Sad & Depressed

[JB1986]

Okay, I have posted here quite a bit before, but I have never wrote a serious topic about myself before, so please bear with me. I am having a slight problem with depression, and would like some opinions on how to cope with it.

First the basics; I am 22 years old and gay (duh). I have only completely come out to myself and a few others within the last few months. I suppose there are a few reasons for this, namely being I was told being gay was "wrong" and "sinful," and I guess I didn't want to accept that part of myself. Honestly, when I finally did accept being gay, for the first time in my life I was doing something to benefit myself, and it felt pretty great. The problem is, that I still feel a sense of depression for no apparent reason.

I have run various scenarios through my mind as to why I might still feel this way. Adolescence was hell, to say the least. Frankly, I was never popular, always got made fun of (not just being called the infamous names such as "queer" and "homo," but I always got teased for my looks and my inability to play sports.) I also felt overly criticized for every little mistake I made, and undervalued for my good qualities. I even remember wanting to kill myself, though I cannot recall why, I'm not even sure I completely knew why back then. Possibly as a way to make the pain and humiliation go away? I'm still not sure, to be honest. Thankfully, I am past that. Now, I am naturally shy by nature, but my lack of socialization in school was ridiculous. I just had a big fear of rejection, so I just kind of kept to myself, and kept my expectations of myself low so I wouldn't get hurt. I also have the weird desire to always make others happy, even at my own expense. Somehow it doesn't matter if I suffer, as long as someone else is happy, then I won't feel guilt about making them unhappy. One incident I remember freshly in my mind is when my cousin revealed his homosexuality to the family. I remember everybody's reactions, which were pretty much horror. Now he is the "black sheep" of my mother's side of the family. I would LOVE to talk to him, but I honestly do not know how to get ahold of him. That was like hell to a teenager who is starting to realize that he too may be gay. All I remember thinking is "I can't EVER be gay, not if it'll hurt my family members. My happiness does not matter" This was done at my own expense, and delayed my self-acceptance for almost four years. At least I now realize the stupidity of that statement. This is also why I have chosen to not tell my family yet. My emotional state is a little too fragile to handle that type of rejection.

Appecting myself was the best decision I have ever made. Now I am trying to deal with deeper feelings of sadness and depression. I have tried to solve them myself by doing self-esteem exercises, keeping a journal, and talking to friends. It has helped, but only slightly. I still at various times (at least once a week) become deeply sad for no apparent reason. I am considering seeing a therapist to help me through this. I know I can't do it by myself. Is seeing a therapist the right idea? Are these just normal issues stemming from adolescence? Has anyone gone through something similar to this, or possibly have some advice to give? Thanks in advance, and thank you so much for reading.

 

[KaraBulut]

Accepting myself was the best decision I have ever made. Now I am trying to deal with deeper feelings of sadness and depression. I have tried to solve them myself by doing self-esteem exercises, keeping a journal, and talking to friends. It has helped, but only slightly. I still at various times (at least once a week) become deeply sad for no apparent reason. I am considering seeing a therapist to help me through this. I know I can't do it by myself. Is seeing a therapist the right idea? Are these just normal issues stemming from adolescence?

Depression in adolescence is difficult to diagnose because it is very difficult to distinguish normal teenage "ups and downs" from clinical depression.

But in your case, you're past the teenage years and you're in early adulthood. You've worked through many of your issues yourself and you're doing the things that help with the causes of situational depression (e.g. self-esteem exercises, keeping a journal, and talking to friends).

Begin working with a therapist. It will help. You may also find that you need a temporary period of taking anti-depressants to help bridge you through this period.

 

[rareboy]

^ I also agree that seeing a therapist would be beneficial. Make sure that you find a gay friendly therapist.

Your first step has already been taken and we will all be cheering for you.

 

[gotdimples77]

My twenties really sucked depression wise. Things started to get better after i turned 27. I'm thirty now, no particular guarantee that they wont get sucky again, but for the moment things are much better. I have a better idea of who I am, I came out around 25. I posted a really long response on one of the other depression threads if you want to read it. I listed a couple good books too that helped me. the funny thing about family in the 20's, I think is that while you realize your biological family is very important you also understand that "family" is where you get the support and guidance and love that you need...so this really can be a mentor from work or school, the old lady across the street, your boyfriend/husband. Just make sure its positive, if you do alot to please them, make sure they do the same for you. and really you shouldnt have to do much to please someone that is healthy for you. Like Griffin's sexy tattoo says "no man is worth your tears and the one who is won't make you cry" same thing that goes with family. Keep in mind if you are lonely that there are billions and billions of people in the world and it is basically impossible that there is not someone who would undertand and appreciate you. AS SOILWORK will probably say at any moment the only way to meet them is to get outside and meet them.

 

[JB1986]

Thank you all very much for the kind words and support. It is really nice to feel like I have a support system.

For being sad and depressed when you are out already, well I think you are still feel that way because your not out to your family and you don't feel complete.

You have a very good point there. It is hard to not tell my parents what's going through my mind right now. It's especially hard to pretend that everything is fine, when it's really not. I'm honestly afraid to tell them I'm having a problem, mostly because I'd probably have to say the words "I'm gay" before I'm ready to. It is extremely hard to suffer silently. I would love to share this wonderful new experience that is happening to me, I'm just afraid of their possible rejection of me for being gay.

Believe me, I know I need to find a gay friendly therapist. I've heard horror stories about gay men who became emotionally scarred because their therapists were essentially anti-gay. That would be the most devastating thing ever, I would think. Merely talking to friends isn't really helping, so I think a therapist is my best choice.

Again, thank you all very much for all the support and very kind words.

 

[m3power]

you need to find a partner.

 

[Eagle653]

It is hard to not tell my parents what's going through my mind right now. It's especially hard to pretend that everything is fine, when it's really not. I'm honestly afraid to tell them I'm having a problem, mostly because I'd probably have to say the words "I'm gay" before I'm ready to. It is extremely hard to suffer silently. I would love to share this wonderful new experience that is happening to me, I'm just afraid of their possible rejection of me for being gay.

Believe me, I know I need to find a gay friendly therapist.

This part really struck a chord with me because I could have written it myself at your age. You put into words what so many are feeling.

I wish you luck finding a gay-friendly therapist. In time, you will feel comfortable talking with your parents but, you're right, everything in its own time.

I don't have much to add to the excellent advice others have given, except to wish you well in your journeys. I hope that you report back here often and bring us up to date on how you're doing.

 

[Syn]

There should have never been anti-gay therapists in the first place. Simple ethics and competency. I'm in training to becoming a therapist and competencies include no discrimination against gay, lesbian, or bisexual clients. Anti-gay therapists should no longer be in practice.

I too am very shy and while I have come out to everyone but my parents I can truly identify with your troubles about suffering silently. You will realize in time when the time is right to tell them.

In the meanwhile, find a therapist who is willing to listen to you and your desires/queries. That's what therapists are trained to do...listen!

 

[Eagle653]

There should have never been anti-gay therapists in the first place. Simple ethics and competency. I'm in training to becoming a therapist and competencies include no discrimination against gay, lesbian, or bisexual clients. Anti-gay therapists should no longer be in practice.

I too am very shy and while I have come out to everyone but my parents I can truly identify with your troubles about suffering silently. You will realize in time when the time is right to tell them.

In the meanwhile, find a therapist who is willing to listen to you and your desires/queries. That's what therapists are trained to do...listen!

You are totally correct on everything you say. In fact, during the training of becoming a psychologist/counselor/therapist, students are sensitized to their own prejudices and how those prejudices or biases can affect their relationships with clients. That, of course, is assuming the therapist is the product of a reputable and accredited program.

Unfortunately, in many states in the US, and in many countries, the title "Therapist/Psychologist/Counselor" is unregulated, so that anyone who wants to hang out a sign claiming to be one can do so. So, it's possible for people with all sorts of biases (such as religious, sexual, racial, political, etc.) to call themselves counselors and it turns out their real aim is to "convert" people against things they believe are "wrong," or toward their own ways of thinking.

Homework is key is shopping for a therapist. Plus, it doesn't hurt to go into the first few sessions with an open mind and big grain of salt to make sure this person is a good match for 1) one's problem and 2) one's personality. Once the trust and fit is established, then the real work can begin.

 

[bokan800]

I think it's safe to say that majority of the people here went/or still going through the being bullied and self pitying phase. You're definitely not alone. The difference is how you cope with it.

Sometimes you just need to be a little selfish. Maybe the reason why you try to make everyone else happy in you're own expense is because you don't feel like you're worth it.

To cope with depression, find something that enjoy doing. Whatever it is, you don't have to be good at it, as long as you love doing it. Hang out with friends, surround yourself with people who care for you not with ones that forces you to change.

 

[paramedic_861]

I like you went through the same thing growing up the shyness, no social life etc. I am 25 know and have come to realize that you have to do things for yourself not others. That was the hardest part. I still slip up at times. It gets better with time.

 

[JB1986]

Well, it's been a few months, and things are going a little bit better. I don't get depressed as often, which is good. When I do get depressed, I can usually vent in private, and I feel a little better. However, when the insurance from my job kicks in, I fully plan getting myself a therapist. I want one now, but I simply can't afford it by myself. Anyway, thanks for the kind words and encouragement. It really means alot.