Same old story, fell in love with straight best friend

[dunno260]

You can call it a crush if you won't, the word isn't nearly as important as the feeling. So anyways, it was mostly manageable for me while we were in school together in high school, but things went sour once we went our separate ways for college. I fell into a deep depression about a year after graduation and stayed in it for another year until drugs and therapy finally got me out of it. And while I am no longer depressed (ie, I wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis of depression, perhaps dysthmia, but probably not even that) I still am not over him. Its ridiculous because its five years post graduation from high school and while the earnesty in the feelings are mostly gone, the sense still is.

And in my young life of 23, its been one of the most critical events/experiences of my life because it still affects my attitudes and behavior today. I have tried everything I know of to get over it with little success except that it no longer brings me into clinical depression, which is a huge improvement, but its still distressing. 2 and a half years of therapy haven't helped much in this regard. For some reason, no matter type of technique I have tried has been able to really flip the switch on it (although I suppose I have tried Freudian psychoanalysis on the problem, but since its a bunch of garbage anyways). So anyways anything would be appreciated.

 

[rareboy]

I honestly don't think it was the crush on your straight friend that brought you to the point of clinical depression, but was only the catalyst for tipping you into it.

Because he may have precipitated the crisis, you may now just be using him as a crutch to support a fragile psyche, or to justify your approach to life in general.

You probably would have been better to regard him as dead; you might have been able to mourn him and then move on.

You have to find out why you want to deny yourself joy and why you are so passive as to allow one person to have such complete control over your life. This may involve more psychotherapy or it might just need you to take a trip to a challenging and fantastic place in the world...or to grow up and try to find a vocation that brings you pleasure and a sense of controlling your own life and future.

You might also consider taking some courses in creative writing or some other area where you can explore self expression more fully. Again, this will give you more oppotunities to develop greater self-awareness and give you more control over a situation. I can almost guarantee, for instance, that if you were to chronicle your entire relationship in a form that someone else had to read, you would become increasingly distanced from the guy and all the events that led to the break-up. Once you had a chance to read it over, I suspect that you would find you liked him less and less as a character.

Good luck.

 

[nsguy2]

You can call it a crush if you won't, the word isn't nearly as important as the feeling. So anyways, it was mostly manageable for me while we were in school together in high school, but things went sour once we went our separate ways for college. I fell into a deep depression about a year after graduation and stayed in it for another year until drugs and therapy finally got me out of it. And while I am no longer depressed (ie, I wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis of depression, perhaps dysthmia, but probably not even that) I still am not over him. Its ridiculous because its five years post graduation from high school and while the earnesty in the feelings are mostly gone, the sense still is.

And in my young life of 23, its been one of the most critical events/experiences of my life because it still affects my attitudes and behavior today. I have tried everything I know of to get over it with little success except that it no longer brings me into clinical depression, which is a huge improvement, but its still distressing. 2 and a half years of therapy haven't helped much in this regard. For some reason, no matter type of technique I have tried has been able to really flip the switch on it (although I suppose I have tried Freudian psychoanalysis on the problem, but since its a bunch of garbage anyways). So anyways anything would be appreciated.

I have no quick fix words of wisdom for you but I would like to tell you this; so many of have been there and you do get over it.

You're still a relatively young man and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Get out there and live it

 

[Horschallen]

You are not alone. Even though he was not straight, I had similiar experience with "Kyle" in 2001 like you did. Even now, I still think about him everyday, many times in a fond way, other times in anger, others in disgust, sadness... Even though he moved down south, I moved eastward across the country, in 2003/2004, I still wonder and think about him.

It is just that I have finally realize that he was a big part of my life, even for a short period of time together, and that it is just a mending process. It takes more time for some people than it takes others. Unfortunately in my case, it takes a very long time.

 

[dhackfan]

best of luck to all who go thru this...i understand completely. dealing with it the past 3 years or so. sheer torture.

 

[relaxin13]

I wonder if there are any gay guys who haven't gone through this...

Don't worry man, it happens to most of us, and we all find a way to get through it. Be patient, relax, and find a guy who'd like to be with you... thats what I'm trying to do. You'll get over him, it just takes time, and time is on your side.

 

[Blueboy369]

When you love someone, you will always love them. It just didn't work out (tell yourself that). Accepting that fact is the begining. As long as you can walk and talk, you can love again.

 

[thermodynamics]

I was in the same boat regarding the straight friend thing.

He was my best friend a year ago. Then I started getting feelings for him that didn't go away. It got worse and worse and worse, until I told him about them July 14, 2006. I remember it well. Let's just say it didn't go well. We kept our distance from each other, and relations between us were strained at best. I've gotten over him quite well, since another guy has caught my attention (he IS gay). For me, it was more that my straight crush was simply replaced by another guy, someone who I actually have a shot at. If you can use this strategy, I recommend it.

 

[mabby7]

I love these sort of threads. A kind of therapy for me too. I'm not a therapist or anything though.

But, yep I too fell so heavily in love with a straight friend that I eventually just hit the ground. It hurts, really hurts, but somehow you just have to move on (which I'm also having difficulty in doing but I'm getting there). Sometimes I hear myself saying that I love him, then I think about bad things that happened between me and him and suddenly I feel better (maybe you can do that too).

Another thing that can help is to focus on doing other things or other people (you could develop a crush for). Maybe just keep yourself as busy as you can so that you don't have time to think about him. *sigh* If only we could erase the past ....

BTW .. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, I hope one day you can find happiness.

 

[dunno260]

The writing thing won't help too much, I don't think at least. I tried it on some way, though it was more a diary than anything chronicling everything I could remember at the time about it, and it don't do it. So its not so much creative writing, but my creative writing endeavors (indeed most of my creative endeavors) are pretty bad. I have had a class in creative writing back in high school and it was generally enjoyable and I got a lot better, but it was and is clear that its not something I am going to be able to do well.

As for finding someone else, well I am somewhat looking. I saw somewhat because I am not going out of my way. And of those I know of who are gay, or whom I suspect are gay (not that my gaydar is that good) there hasn't been any interest on my part (not much on theirs), and in general, noone has piqued my interest at all.

 

[rareboy]

Well then, maybe you just need to stop being the star in your own movie.

Maybe put some other people first by getting involved in activities that stop you from focussing on this guy being the centre of your own universe. Volunteer to help some organization, particularly one where you might meet some new friends and I can guarantee you should start feeling better about yourself.

 

[mabby7]

Well then, maybe you just need to stop being the star in your own movie.

Maybe put some other people first by getting involved in activities that stop you from focussing on this guy being the centre of your own universe. Volunteer to help some organization, particularly one where you might meet some new friends and I can guarantee you should start feeling better about yourself.

Exactly. We definitely need to meet more new people.