Same old story, need help :( (real long)

[randomfreak]

Hi, I frequently read these forums but never posted anything. A lurker. I'm constantly searching for advice on what to do, but nothing exactly matches my problem, so now I've come to ask for help.

Well, almost a year ago I met this guy--let's call him John--who went out of his way to try to be friendly with me. Before that, I was really scared of becoming friends with other people and scared of other people in general. (long story) Well, he's really cute and I enjoy his effort so I gradually fell in love with him. We became really good friends. We became so close that someone commented that we acted like a couple. He gave many many signs that he was interested in me. One time our eyes met and we just stared at each other for a good while. Must've been a pretty long time, since another friend of mine said "falling in love?" and we quickly broke our stare and said it was a staring contest or something. Lame excuse. =P Well, after that he gave many other signals:


-he came to sit next to me and after a while held my hand under the table. He closed my fingers one by one and then pretended to jack off my index finger. He also likes to put his leg on mine sometimes when we sit next to each other.

-I once jokingly grabbed his keychain and he tried to get it from my clench. But after that he just gave up but he was still holding my hand while we were walking.

-he would constantly lean to me and rest his head on my shoulder.

-we stared at each other pretty often. One time we kept staring until I smiled at him, and then he blushed, averted his glance, and had this really cute embarassed smile on his face.

-when I went play over at his house, while I was reaching for some comics, he said "Wanna kiss?" I thought I misheard, so I asked "What?" and he replied, "Oh nothing. Just asked if you wanted a drink. The drink's on the table."

-another time while I was reaching for the comics, he said "Want a blowjob?" Again, I was really dumb and responded with another what. He replied with "If you want some comics, they're over there." which doesn't make sense since I was about to grab some anyway.

-one time he asked me, "Are you gay or something? Since you seem to be making advances on me." But he said that with a smile that made it look like he was hoping I'd say yes, not one of those "stay away from me you fag" looks.

-when we had a big sleepover, I tried to sleep next to him, and luckily, I managed to do it. But we couldn't fall asleep since we were rubbing our legs together and he was looking at me with sparkly eyes and a really cute smile. After a while he put his hand on my upper arm like he was gonna hug me. Then he said, "I don't like this bed, it's too hard." and then he just got up and laid on top of me, just like that. (I'm kinda chubby, if his comment didn't make any sense.) I was nervous like heck but I was really enjoying it. But then he got bored since I wasn't responding at all and he got back on top of the bed. I really should've hugged him at that point. >_< (But that might've raised some suspicions, since I was pretty sure someone else was still awake.)


Okay, so with those signals, we could tell he's gay, bi, or at least curious, right? I was pretty sure we could advance onto a relationship, but I'm the type to take it slowly. Well, too slow I guess, since he got interested in a girl. From that point it got downhill. I started hating myself, wondering what I lack that he starts going for a girl. I also got jealous and angry to see him be so interested in another peron. But he didn't seem to care about how I was feeling really down, which really worsened my mood that I started ignoring him. He tried to comfort me a few times, but those times he did was because someone else told him to comfort me. So yeah, I figured he didn't care about me. But I really, really love him, so it really crushed me and I started becoming real depressive (again). My biggest mistake is probably how I started ignoring him. Well, it wasn't just him, but basically everyone.

About two months after that, since I figured I got nothing to lose, I told him that I really loved him, but he freaked out. He said that that's gross and stuff like that. When I pointed out to him that he used to lean on my shoulders all the time, he said that that was just because my shoulder was really soft and comfortable to lean on. Nothing romantic or anything. (But I couldn't help noticing that sometimes, like when he rested his head on my lap, he would get a boner. But maybe he was just fantasizing about girls, so what do I know?) I guess I asked him in a really inappropriate time, too. And on the phone as well, so he just wanted to get me off the line ASAP.

From then, it worsened even more, since he started ignoring me as well. Well, lately I've been trying to do everything in my power to restore our relationship, not the romantic kind, but the strong friendship. But he would just tell me to get away from him and not obsess about him, since I have other friends to care about. Basically his reaction was "Why does it have to be me?" And now he interprets any physical contact I make with him as a gay advancement. And everytime we're alone for some reason, he always finds and excuse to leave. And everytime I sit next to him, he would always move somewhere else. And he barely talks to me, and when we do hang out as friends, he acts like I'm not even there. He says that I'm just too sensitive and just imagining it. But then why does this kind of stuff happen every. single. time?!

Well, I guess I did obsess about him, but that's becaue he's getting more distant from me and I really love him and the thought of him getting away from me just tears me apart. But the more I try to get closer to him, the more he pushes me away. I feel really sad about that and nowadays I cry a lot over it. But there really isn't any solution. I know I can't talk on the phone since then he will just hang up. But everytime I ask him for a private, face-to-face discussion, he always responds with "Why not say it right now?" and I would tell him that it's a long discussion and that it's very, very important to me and I don't want other people to listen in on our conversation, but he never wants or consents to this discussion. So now I have no way to mend this huge gap in our relationship (which he says I'm just imagining, and that he still regards me as a friend. Bullshit.) and he keeps stonewalling himself, being real defensive about it, and pretends that there is no problem at all with our friendship.

So now I ask you JUBers for some good, sound advice. Because nowadays I cry on a daily basis about this and I can't stand being around him for another year if he keeps treating me like this. And I can't leave him, since I truly love him and he's more important than my life. I just want to be a good, loyal friend, who won't think twice about giving up his life if it's needed to save his good ol' buddy, but he won't let me be one. He says he doesn't need one. I'm not even thinking about being boyfriends with him now. I just want to go back to being real close friends, to love him as a friend. But he says if I want to restore our friendship, I have to start sharing my troubles with girls, which means I must start chasing around some girls. But I can't do that, since he's the one I really love, and I can't love another person. I don't care if I have to be so near to him while knowing that I can never have him. (He's trying to get a girlfriend right now, but I think he's a really closeted bi.) But I can't stand being so near to him and having him constantly rejecting me. He even acts like we were never close friends, and he said that I'm just a regular friend. How much longer am I supposed to remain tortured like this? This is really whittling down my soul, and if I don't find a solution, then not only will I be afraid of people again, but I will be afraid to love as well. I love him so much but he won't see my sincerity. This might really scar me so that I'll be afraid of falling in love with someone.

 

[m59583]

I apologize in advance, but judging from this guy's advances and the way he is treating you now------he sounds like either a complete idiot or a dangerous person.

The only way you can restore your friendship is by hanging with more girls? Is he saying that you aren't hanging with any of his girl friends and thus he isn't approving of you anymore? Or is he saying that if you don't hang with girls, then he's going to be more noticed by everyone else in his circle of friends because you used to be a close friend of his? I'm kind of confused here-----this guy is either homophobic or angry/upset with you or both. Either way, this type of response is plain bullshit. If I ever had a male friend of mine tell me I couldn't be his friend anymore because I didn't hang around girls, I would sure as hell give him a piece of my mind and then tell him to f*ck off forever. Pisses me off to think about how conditional people are.

Hell, maybe you should just stop talking to him completely and get a bit of revenge. I know I would. Just maybe if he values you as a friend AT ALL, he'll notice you've stopped making contact and will do something to talk to you again.

In the meantime, I would just stop talking to him as often (and by that I mean limit it quite a bit,) so you can control your emotional situation.

And furthermore.......absolutely no one is more important than your own life. Never place the value of someone else's life----even a very close friend----above your own. Think of it this way----would he do that for you?

 

[luminum]

Sweetie: You have to get over it. It's over.

He gave you tons of signals, you told him you liked him, and now he doesn't want anything to do with you. The friendship you guys had is gone. He doesn't want it, and you can't make him want it.

You may love him ("truly") but he doesn't love you. Despite how gay he was acting, he obviously is in no emotional or mental capacity to reciprocate your feelings. He is avoiding you and any further attempts will only feel like you're smothering/stalking him.

I'm sorry he led you on. For that, and for the ways he was treating you afterwards, he's a douche. But there's no use crying over someone who doesn't love you back and who doesn't want the friendship you two once shared. You can either spend the rest of your life trying and end up crying every day when it fails and he continues to treat you like an asshole, or you can give yourself some good long space away from him and become stronger and start looking for someone who actually can love you or can be a good friend to you.

Be strong! Stay away from him, he's not missing you, so learn not to miss him.

You keep asking for a solution and that you need to o something before you go nuts. the solution is to stop. Let it go. You keep running to him only to be rejected, so stop running to him and you'll stop being rejected. He's reating you like an ass and you're being blinded by friendship/love. Let him go and give the two of you space and heal. Then give your love to someone else who can be everything you wanted to be for him. Stop throwing yourself on your own dagger.

 

[Yorkeys Knob]

Yes my dear, it's no use floggin a dead horse, he ain't interested

 

[randomfreak]

He told me to try to get a girlfriend so he could be sure that I don't have any more feelings for him since he says he's straight. He says he feels uncomfortable being around me knowing that I like him that way, so to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling I should get a girl to love. He also says that one way friends could become close is when they start sharing problems about the girls they like. I could see this train of thought, but I disagree with it. =\

A close friend of mine who's also a close friend to him said that he's avoiding me so that with the distance I could get over him, because he didn't want a romantic relationship with me. But I know my limitations already, and I know that I will never have him, and I'm not even making any more advancements on him, so when is he gonna stop? It might've started off with good intentions, but now it's just plain mean.

As for ignoring him back, yeah, I've considered that as a solution, but I'd like for it to be the final thing to do. If there are any other solutions to this problem, I'd like to try it first before giving up. I think I'd like to wait for a few weeks before I have to resort to ignoring him. The thing is that all my friends are his friends also, and since he's the party guy, everytime we hang out, he's always there. So it's gonna be awkward when I hang around with my other friends as well if I start ignoring him. =\

Thank you for the excellent advice, though. I'll definitely keep them in mind.

 

[CoolBlue71]

This friend must have been testing the waters. Now that you've confronted this, he's balking. So I think he hasn't mentally prepared himself for a following few steps that would be realistic. There's no doubt you two had connected. (He putting his head on your shoulders. Heterosexual males do not do that with their buddies.)

If one of two people in this type of situation is unwilling to move forward, naturally, one of two things can happen: (1) Person who is willing to advance attempts to put himself on the line and show, with respect, the object of his/her affections how he'd/she'd like to be with that person and have more good times -- and that's it's possible. Or (2) The object of one's affections needs to do some growing and maturing on his/her own -- and a relationship couldn't be had at this point.

It's unfortunate. But I think he was unprepared for you being willing to step up. He has to be willing to bring himself to the party, so to speak. Sorry for this situation. Maybe you two will reunite in, say, ten years -- and have a "private party" that was a mere delay.

 

[rareboy]

He's just incredibly immature, emotionally and socially.

You'll likely never get him as a lover though. I have no idea what he's afraid of, but he doesn't have the right to make you feel like shit inferior to him in any way. Do not let him be the one who dictates the terms of your life and friendship.

Move on sweetie. The best way to get him back as a friend is to tone down the intensity. While you're obsessing over him, you're missing out on meeting other guys. Do you really think he's the only guy for you? Nah. There are thousands of them out there. He's just an early crush...and they don't call them crushes for nothing.

Find yourself some other friends and he'll either try to reconnect or he'll move away entirely and maybe even be a little unpleasant because you told him the truth. But that should be his problem, not yours.

It would be great if we could help every person who is psychologically unprepared to be gay. As you can see from many posts on these boards, it just isn't possible.
Denial is the most overpopulated state in the world, it seems.

 

[3nipples]

He sent you enough signals before. Not responding to advances = rejection. Whatever sentiments he may have had before have now changed, not likely to ever resurface.

 

[luminum]

He is basically going to never understand that "things are cool" because for him, they're not. You know your limitations, but he obviously isn't getting that. Can you see how absurd it is? You tell him you love him, he rejects you, you keep running back to him trying to be "good friends" with him...how could he think that you're suddenly okay? You haven't given him space (or yourself space) and you haven't taken things slow. You just keep rushing back. if I were him, I would believe that you're trying to take what you can get (which is basically what I think you're doing). You still 'love him', and the fact that you've accepted that it's unrequited doesn't change anything. You need time away from him to let your unrequited love become friendship before he could probably feel comfortable.

And on top of ALL of that, I doubt it would even matter to him. He thinks that gay feelings can just go away for you by getting a girl? Stupid. Very, very, stupid. He is determined not to relate to you unless you're straight, which isn't going to happen. My best friend is straight and we relate to each other in our relationships despite the fact that he has girl issues and I have guy issues. He is pushing you away and will only take you back if he doesn't have to deal with your homosexuality or your feelings for him. It's not a matter of "when is he going to stop?" There is not time factor. He's not sitting there observing you and gaging whether or not you "know your limitations." He is not considering you at all. Stop trying to make him. You can't. His expectations are too high, and his sense of loss for you is nil.

You are the only one suffering here.

And I won't even go into what I think his real issues are.

 

[evil_danger]

I’m going through something quite similar myself at the moment, although the guy of my affections isn’t being an arrogant immature prick like your guy is.

He’s either testing the water, curious to what extent he likes guys and how far he could push it with you, then got scared of your advances towards him.

Or he’s a flirt, enjoys the idea that people fancy him and again got scared you fell for it.

I’m sorry to assume this, and I’m sorry if I’m wrong, but you both sound quite young, at least emotionally. The easiest thing to do and what seams like the most common sense at the time is to run back and just say “its okay, I love you to pieces but I just want to be your friend you don’t have to feel the same just be my friend”. That’s scary, you just need to back off for a bit, stay in contact but don’t rush these things, hopefully if he does care about you he will realise he is missing your friendship, also time apart will allow you to think about how you really feel.

My advice kinda sucks cos I’m tired.

As I said I’m in a similar situation, although the guy I think I love, he’s not been as open about his feelings as the guy you think you love, also I’ve not told him my feelings, but after reading your post I’m thinking I shouldn’t.

 

[randomfreak]

Thanks for the advice, guys. So basically everyone told me to back away. I think I'll do exactly that. Hopefully time will heal. In fact, I already started working on it today, and he seemed bothered by something, maybe because I kept ignoring him and avoiding eye contact, but who knows what's on that guy's mind? If he doesn't mind me ignoring him, suits me just fine; but if he does start caring, I hope it will develop positively.

You're completely right, O2. I do plenty of stuff to get his attention, but when do they work sometimes, he just does that--give a little attention, but no talk. How the heck are we supposed to communicate, I have no idea. And when it fails, I get hurt. So yeah, I'm a persistent fool. I better stop trying.

The only thing that keeps me trying, though, is how he sometimes would give hints that he cares about me. But always, no words. He's the type who thinks that guys shouldn't have feelings and shouldn't be touchy and stuff. Well, like one time after a phone call turned into a disaster and more rejections from him, the next day while we were hanging out in a large group, he tried to entertain people by singing. I wasn't looking at him because I was feeling down like hell from the previous day, but I noticed that one time he sang a song about men who are lonely because their love had left them. I turned to face him after he finished singing, and he was looking at me with watery eyes like he was gonna cry or something. I don't know how to interpret that, but I guess he regretted what he said the previous day and felt kinda sorry for me because he left me. But as always, no words from him. See, that's why I can never tell what he's thinking, since he never talks about how he feels, since he believes that guys shouldn't have touchy feelings.

I blame that on the over-traditional Asian culture, though. And I think one reason why he would be afraid to engage in a relationship with guys is the expectancy of his family. In Asian societies, sons are considered very important since they continue the family name. Well, he has three siblings, but he's the only son in the family. He probably feels that in no way is he gonna "betray" his family by not having children to continue the family line. With this responsibility imposed upon him, I could see why he would be afraid of entering a gay relationship. He doesn't want to let his parents down.

Oh, and BTW, I was rather on the emotional side while I wrote the original post, so some stuff got distorted and might seem worse than they are. I mentioned that he's ignoring me, but it's more like treating me very differently. We're still friends, sure, as in we still hang out together. It's just that it seems very impersonal because he's trying to put as much distance between us as possible. But not completely ignoring me.

Again, thanks for the great pieces of advice, guys. I'll keep this updated for more advice if there's anything worthwhile to mention on the development. If he doesn't respond in any way to me ignoring him, I'll just let this thread die off.

 

[luminum]

If he does have homosexual feelings, he's going to have to get over the whole Asian 'passing on the name' business. I'm the only son of the oldest son in my family and my uncle doesn't have any kids, so if I don't make a kid, my entire family's side of the Ng clan goes out like a candle. It sucks, but my own happiness is more important than a name.

Hopefully he'll break free and just do what makes him happy.