Screwing up something amazing.

[Adam2299]

I just started dating a guy who is basically my best friend. We've known each other forever and he recently told me he has feelings for me so I told him we could take things slow and see what happens. In reality, I really do have strong feelings for him too... more than he knows I think. I spend every day with him... we just get along incredibly well. I don't think I've ever cared about someone as much as him, and I sincerely mean that. I care about what he's doing at random moments in the day. I care about his interests. I care about his family. I truly want the best for him, and I've never been able to say that about ANY guy in my entire life. I love him so much, and I truly mean love in the sense of unconditional support. I can't even explain my feelings they're so intense.

But.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Tonight we were at a party and another guy (a friend of mine) was sort of hitting on me and kept touching me and kissing me on the cheek (and I was letting him). Long story short, the guy I'm dating saw us and walked out of the party and drove home (even though he had been drinking... that's how upset he was). I got a friend to drive me to his apartment but he refused to talk to me. The thing is, I know he's right. I know he has every right to be mad at me. I was letting this guy hit on me because I have a fear of commitment and really insane attachment issues. I don't understand why I can't let myself just be happy with him... I can't let myself fall in love with him... what the hell is wrong with me??? Am I just not ready to be in a relationship? If not, how to I get to a place where I can be ready??

 

[luminum]

I think at a certain point, you have to decide to be ready. You have to get over your fears and just do it.

So if you want to make up with your friend, tell him the truth. Tell him that you like him (and how much you do) and that you have fears about commitment and that you knew that what you did bothered him.

And hopefully, he'll understand and you two can take it slow, and you can get over yoru commitment issues.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I was letting this guy hit on me because I have a fear of commitment and really insane attachment issues. I don't understand why I can't let myself just be happy with him... I can't let myself fall in love with him... what the hell is wrong with me??? Am I just not ready to be in a relationship? If not, how to I get to a place where I can be ready??

You really want to think hard and long about this one...

I really see two issues here:

#1
Undoubtedly, you love your dude. You care for him a lot. He isn't made of stone either, and he feels it, too. But are you ready to forget all of your past luggage and start anew as if nothing had happened in the past? You can't let yourself fall in love with him. Is your past holding you back?

#2
Again, your love for him is not an issue here. But are you ready to go in for a full-blown committed m2m, monogamous, LTR with no 'outside benefits'? See, loving your friend and very deeply caring for him; spending lots of time with him on a daily basis, etc., are all one thing. Deciding not to play the field at the age of 21,at the very prime of your youth and attraction with so many hott dudes hitting on you everywhere is yet a fully different issue. Not everyone is comfortable with monogamy. And frankly, a few men will never be...

---
I'd simply try to be shamelessly honest with myself in the first place.

Are you ready to fall for him and jettison all the luggage from your past, risking that you'll be going thru the very same experience loop again?

Are you honestly ready and willing to go monogamous with him now?

All for you to decide and once you do so, go to your friend and spill the beans...

SC

 

[mojoe54]

I think Luminum had great advice--listen to him!!

 

[StlKj]

Adam,

In the words of the incredibly intelligent Dr. Drew from Loveline, "People in their 20s treat people like shit." At your age, people are often still trying on what they want in a relationship, but they're also still being led by their patterns. You have some insight into your pattern of behavior already, so make the decision to break it.

And if this incident involved you drinking at this party and then letting someone paw all over you, then ditch the damned alcohol. It could have killed your boyfriend as he drove home upset, and if you were drinking, it could have helped kill your relationship. Here's the general rule--if you keep finding yourself doing things while drinking that you regret later or have to apologize for, then it's time for the drinking to get under control or end completely.

 

[rareboy]

Adam, you appear to have more trouble with human relationships than anyone else on these boards. While others might make soothing noises about how you are young and like, y'know, maybe like, not ready for a committed relationship, I think your pattern of bahaviour indicates a much deeper level of disturbance.

Your behaviour demonstrates the hallmarks of narcissim being discussed on the other board. Again and again, you seem to have no sense of consequences. I suspect you were horribly spoiled as a child and it is carrying over into your adulthood. While parents and treachers put up with that nonsense, the adults you will now have to deal with won't and shouldn't have to.

What you did to your boyfriend, if as you say, you love him so much, was nothing short of monstrously vile. You provided a singularly spectacular demonstration of how you can demolish trust. Don't blame the booze. You probably looked like dishonest and shallow party trash and being drunk probably only made you look worse.

Hopefully he dumps your ass from a great height and thereby teaches you a lesson...although I suspect that like most people with well developed socio-pathic proclivities, you will convince him to forgive you by rationalizing that you were scared and not ready for commitment, blah, blah, blah.

For heaven's sake, take a look back at the type of stuff you've posted. If these are not 'straw men', designed to attract attention to you from an anonymous audience out here, you need to search out some professional counselling help or you and everyone you come into contact with, has a horrible future ahead.

 

[spreadeagle]

Letting someone else touch you and kiss you in front of your boyfriend is not 'truly ... love in the sense of unconditional support'. This ambivalence suggests you are either lying to us or lying to yourself.

You already are in a relationship but you're choosing to sabotage it. The answer to your question is - make different choices.

 

[Adam2299]

Adam, you appear to have more trouble with human relationships than anyone else on these boards. While others might make soothing noises about how you are young and like, y'know, maybe like, not ready for a committed relationship, I think your pattern of bahaviour indicates a much deeper level of disturbance.

Your behaviour demonstrates the hallmarks of narcissim being discussed on the other board. Again and again, you seem to have no sense of consequences. I suspect you were horribly spoiled as a child and it is carrying over into your adulthood. While parents and treachers put up with that nonsense, the adults you will now have to deal with won't and shouldn't have to.

What you did to your boyfriend, if as you say, you love him so much, was nothing short of monstrously vile. You provided a singularly spectacular demonstration of how you can demolish trust. Don't blame the booze. You probably looked like dishonest and shallow party trash and being drunk probably only made you look worse.

Hopefully he dumps your ass from a great height and thereby teaches you a lesson...although I suspect that like most people with well developed socio-pathic proclivities, you will convince him to forgive you by rationalizing that you were scared and not ready for commitment, blah, blah, blah.

For heaven's sake, take a look back at the type of stuff you've posted. If these are not 'straw men', designed to attract attention to you from an anonymous audience out here, you need to search out some professional counselling help or you and everyone you come into contact with, has a horrible future ahead.

I actually already understand what I did was wrong if you didn't read my post. Calling me a sociopath or someone who can't have "human relationships" is just comical considering I have about a million friends who I love to death. I'm not narcissistic considering I do volunteer work every single day of my life and help my friends whenever they are in need. My love life is the ony thing I'm having problems with in my life right now. And by the way, I wasn't drunk last night (I wasn't even DRINKING last night) so I'm not "blaming booze." I'm blaming myself... I thought I already made that clear but apparently not. But I do appreciate you assuming that I was drunk party trash. That's nice of you. I'm not looking for sympathy or attention, just advice about the topic of commitment. Thanks!

 

[Adam2299]

You really want to think hard and long about this one...

I really see two issues here:

#1
Undoubtedly, you love your dude. You care for him a lot. He isn't made of stone either, and he feels it, too. But are you ready to forget all of your past luggage and start anew as if nothing had happened in the past? You can't let yourself fall in love with him. Is your past holding you back?

#2
Again, your love for him is not an issue here. But are you ready to go in for a full-blown committed m2m, monogamous, LTR with no 'outside benefits'? See, loving your friend and very deeply caring for him; spending lots of time with him on a daily basis, etc., are all one thing. Deciding not to play the field at the age of 21,at the very prime of your youth and attraction with so many hott dudes hitting on you everywhere is yet a fully different issue. Not everyone is comfortable with monogamy. And frankly, a few men will never be...

---
I'd simply try to be shamelessly honest with myself in the first place.

Are you ready to fall for him and jettison all the luggage from your past, risking that you'll be going thru the very same experience loop again?

Are you honestly ready and willing to go monogamous with him now?

All for you to decide and once you do so, go to your friend and spill the beans...

SC

Yea, I totally agree.... maybe it's all about "being ready." And yea, I know I'm still young, but feelings are definitely there. Letting go of the past is probably the hardest thing to do right now.

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

 

[mac_twck]

Is this the same guy that you have been with for the last year spending all of your time together??

You have already been with this guy for over a year. Look at your past relationship. The light just went on but things are basically the same. How would you feel if he did that to you?

You need to get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness. Not to repeat, but you have already been dating for a year just some new words have been added. Stop trying to put a label on this relationship and just let it develop like it has been.

I don't care how young or old you are.....love is love...don't throw it away.

Mac

 

[Just_Believe18]

Hey Adam, can you give us an update on the piano teacher, the closet friend, the roommate's roommate, the "nap" buddy, chocolate penis guy, the straight guy, and the 17 year-old? A lot of your stories seem "unfinished." You certainly have a tendency to move from one guy to the next.

 

[Adam2299]

The guy I'm dating right now is the "nap" buddy, just fyi. My closet friend is doing better (I was never trying to be with him). Chocolate penis guy never had a chance. My piano teacher is in the middle of a custody battle but we talk occasionally.

So..... as you can see I never really "had" any of those guys so I don't see how I could be moving from one guy to the next so "quickly". This is the first guy I've dated since I was with the older man.

 

[bluedragon4]

You are 21!!!!!!!! what 21 year old worries about fear of commitment?! what a heavy heart! have some fun!

 

[CagedBird]

Hey Adam2299; loved reading this thread. Though your relationship has differences from mine, I have similar questions about my behavior when around other men.

Btw, while age has a bearing on relationships, don't let anyone tell you its black & white...I'm twice your age & share some of your concerns in my relationship [which is relatively new]. I think patience & understanding will pull us through the hard times of not knowing how to behave. The love you call "unconditional" & "intense" are powerful tools, I hope they serve you now.

 

[NickCole]

Fear of commitment is not the problem dogging Adam.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Thanks for the update. It helps me put things in a better perspective where I sort of have an idea of what's going on in your life.

 

[Adam2299]

Fear of commitment is not the problem dogging Adam.

Care to explain?

I mean... all I know is that I'm afraid of getting attached to him... isn't that sort of a fear of commitment?