Scruff and Relationships

[Coolhippo16]

I'm in a long distance relationship and I'm trying to figure out if it's normal to keep using scruff when you've been in a exclusive for months? My boyfriend says the fact we have our accounts linked keeps us honest but that doesn't' exactly stop the hookup requests.

Thoughts?

 

[aaggii]

It all goes to what it´s comfortable for both of you. A long distance relationship is hard work, you can either have fun with other people until you get together, or try to get together as fast as possible.

My 2 cents: what seems dreamy online can be pretty dissapointing in real life, but that´s not always the case, of course.

 

[TX-Beau]

If you agreed to be monogamous don't fuck anyone else. People propositioning you can't force you to put out. You are in control of yourself, and if you don't want to be monogamous, get out of that before you hurt someone.

 

[Seasoned]

^That sums it up for you. Sixteen of our 32 years together we were in different cities. That was before FaceTime and Skype. We had a lot of phone sex and stayed monogamous.

 

[Coolhippo16]

I do want to be completely exclusive that's why I have the issue of him wanting to be on scruff still. Every time I bring up feeling uncomfortable he says he'll delete it but that never happens.

 

[KaraBulut]

I do want to be completely exclusive that's why I have the issue of him wanting to be on scruff still. Every time I bring up feeling uncomfortable he says he'll delete it but that never happens.

It comes down to a question that you have to ask yourself: Do you want him to delete the app because you don't trust the other guys on the app or because you don't trust your boyfriend?

These apps just automate something that gay men have been doing for decades (perhaps centuries): finding each other for hookups. Even if he deletes Scruff, that doesn't mean he won't find someone to hookup with at work, at a bar, on the subway, in a bookstore, at a shopping mall...

Perhaps you shouldn't discuss this in terms of a phone app. If you want a monogamous relationship, it's something that you both have to commit to. If your boyfriend agrees to monogamy, then it's up to him to remove the sources of temptation that would keep him from honoring that commitment.

 

[TX-Beau]

I do want to be completely exclusive that's why I have the issue of him wanting to be on scruff still. Every time I bring up feeling uncomfortable he says he'll delete it but that never happens.

Well, if he won't he won't. The biggest mistake YOU can make is attempting to control his behavior. I know it sucks but you aren't his mommie, and he's going to do what he's going to do. Part of keeping your relationships honest is creating an atmosphere that encourages it. For example, if he likes to stop off for a beer after work with friends you hate, you can give him shit for it, or you can ignore it. If you give him hell, eventually he'll just stop telling you where he's going. You're far more likely to keep him honest by PICKING your battles carefully. Ask yourself why this is bothering you, if you can't isolate the problem, don't say anything until you've figured it out, and then decided how important this is.

It comes down to this, either you decide to trust until you have just cause not to, or you risk destabilizing your situation through fear.

 

[badbug]

What the guy above me said.


I think it's lame he doesn't just delete it because you asked and if it's important enough for you to keep bringing it up, he should just do it. In your shoes, i would make the person delete it or just be done with them as a romantic partner.....but honestly, i would already probably be done with them just cause they didn't delete it after the second time i asked, assuming i made the situation crystal clear.


I guess, like the guy above me said, you need to pick your battles. I am not sure what your relationship is like, i really can't understand why someone would want to send such negative signals by keeping a chat app. Maybe things are still new and he's not ready to totally commit, or maybe his idea of committing is keeping one eye or more open at all times......maybe he's into the whole monogamy thing on your end but not nec. on his.......a lot of people have the "what they don't know can't hurt them" attitude, or maybe he just doesn't want to give in and thinks you are being silly. Maybe he's just lazy. There's a grocery store discount card i still haven't signed up for.

You can't really know. Maybe he doesn't even know why he wants to keep it.

So yeah, what the guy above me said. He sounds more reasonable than me.