Seeing warning signs, please help

[racer2438]

We have a roommate that is 25 nice lookin kid who is very introverted. We hardly see him as he stays in his room 95% of the time. He is very quiet and is very clean, pays on time and he is a really sweet guy. He does not work and has his current bf pay his rent and all expense's. He seems to have some form of depression and procrastanates alot. He has some goals but no motivation.

He was with a friends w/benifits when he moved in but now gone with another guy who is supporting him. We have no problem with this as that is his bussiness.

But: the new guy who is prety kool and active, party animal, drinker is very controling, abusive, jealous, highly insecure. Just got his 2nd DUI and just spent a whole 4 days in jail is back.

Problem is that he hits him, goes through his phone to see what calls made/recieved, hardly if ever leaves him alone, does not give him his own free space or free time. Is always asking what did you do, where did you go. The bf is 41 and roomie is 25. Bf can text, hug all his friends, call people. Roomie cant do anyhing w/o him asking what are you doing, who was that, so on and so on.

My honey had a talk with roomie a few days ago trying to tell him how that is not what life is about and no one has the right to hit anyone. But roomie seems scared to some point even though he could kick bf ass. My honey tried to guide him to set some goals and get his life in order and take care of himself first. Roomie likes to be more of a homebody and bf what to party all the time. It's almost as they are oil/water. But they have things they like about each other and that might be the only thing holding together.

Roomie came home w/black eye and facial scrapes few days ago and we asked what happened, roomie said he fell cus he was drunk. We could see the scrape in a fall but not the black eye and flat lip. But as roomie gave his explanation bf gave him a look of "you better say the right story look" We have caught bf in many lies.

We have told him he needs to rethink this bf and take care of him self first. We told him that he should tell bf that there needs to be a break for a bit to reevaluate this bf and tell him he needs to chill out and no drink so much and stop the controling/insecure/jealousy.

My honey offered to help him talk to bf as sit down with both. But bf flies off the handle to easy.

So I am posting this on here in hopes the JUB clan can voice some advise and we can show roomie why he needs to do something.

The roomie has some issues that he needs to work out of his past and something may have happened to him to make him feel he is alone. But we are here to help and hope he heeds the advise.

My honey and i have been together for 25yrs and been through it all but we made it this far. And we feel for him and he does not seem happy within himself. And life is to short and so much out there to see and do with out having the crap pulling him down also.

Please give us your feed back............


Thanks guy's...................Racer.

 

[KingofFaeries]

Sounds like you've done everything right. But bottom line is that if roomie doesn't want things to change they won't. Keep being supportive of roomie, just keep letting him know that you are there. Really not much else you can do.

 

[josher]

There are spousal abuse hotlines. You could google them.

I don't know whether or not they take third party calls, such as from you or your partner. If they do, you could call and ask for advice on helping your roommate.

Unless he's ready to face up to the situation himself, however, I doubt there's much more you can do. It's the "leading the horse to water" syndrome.

I'd just try to build up his self-esteem and remind him that he doesn't deserve this treatment and that he shouldn't allow it to continue. If he suffers from severe clinical depression, there are also hotlines for that. They might also give you some advice.

He should probably be seeing a therapist to deal with both issues.

 

[Centexfarmer]

As a JUBber who cares about the members who post here, there's really not a lot that I can do to help except to encourage you to help your rommie in way possible.

This link is in no way an endorsement, but a place to start so that you might be able to better understand what's going on with your roomie/friend.

AARDVARC

I think that might be a good be a place to start.

If for no other reason, than to perhaps for you and your honey to determine which approach is best to use, and how to deal with any future legal remedies, if and when the two of you feel that the law should somehow get involved.

I think that it's great that the two of you care enough about him to get involved, just don't be surprised is he doesn't feel like he needs (deserves) any help.

Fear is a mind killer.

Whatever is helping to drive your roomie down this self-destructive road, with a controlling manipulative freak, is something that he may have to seek therapy for to figure out. In the meantime, it sounds as if you and your honey want to help.

He may not see it, but he's really fortunate to have someone in his life that cares enough to reach out and ask for some help.

Good Luck, and please keep us posted.

 

[racer2438]

Thanks people, hoping for more advise for him.

by posting, our goal is to have other people read and advise him by reading these post's and seeing that there is something he needs to address.

We hope he see's that this may not be the right road to be on and knowing he has support and is not alone is what we hope he see's. We dont want him to feel we are butting in his life. But we are more concern that he is safe and most of all happy. He was happy before, with some work he can get his life back on track and reach for his goal's. We as a older couple dont want to see him have a life with not a good direction and being pulled back and forth like a puppet.

There is so much more to life, than to be wasted away.

 

[spencer]

Lets set aside the hitting for one moment.

He bounces from one guy to another for monetary support and he doesn't even live with the guy. You touched upon that he has depression and whatnot. He needs to get on his own feet and correct his own problems.

Back to the story. He's meeting guys that he can mooch off of and unfortunately he found one that is going to abuse that power. He shouldn't be hit, however this is how he makes his living. Not by gettign hit but by meeting guys that will support him, so yes at this point in time it's a trade off that he's willing to accept.

I'm guessing there's a victim syndrome insecurity thing rolled into there as well.

I hope he can find help. You guys are good friends.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Thanks people, hoping for more advise for him.

by posting, our goal is to have other people read and advise him by reading these post's and seeing that there is something he needs to address.

We hope he see's that this may not be the right road to be on and knowing he has support and is not alone is what we hope he see's. We dont want him to feel we are butting in his life. But we are more concern that he is safe and most of all happy. He was happy before, with some work he can get his life back on track and reach for his goal's. We as a older couple dont want to see him have a life with not a good direction and being pulled back and forth like a puppet.

There is so much more to life, than to be wasted away.

Well, personally?

I'd share with him, that like being gay, he's not alone.

I've gone through my fair share of abuse because for whatever I reason I thought that I loved the guy. That he could provide something for me that I couldn't provide for myself.

I felt like I needed that no matter what I had to go through to get it.

I took the abuse until I realized that I deserved better, and the guy who preyed upon my fears was what I needed to prove that to me.

I hope that your roomie finds it within himself to find the same answers.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

We all do as we do until we learn better, and sadly, much like the alcoholic, one will not change until he or she has hit their "bottom" (please, no pun intended), and become ready and willing for change.

Confidence and security are hard-won and often an ongoing process. On a personal note: when I turned 14, I was all of 5'7" and weighed 240lbs. I still feel that fat, little boi inside of me more often than not, regardless of how many people tell me that I'm "hot." The only difference that may be is that I've learn not to be governed by said insecurity, much less by others.

I wish your roommate all the best. No one deserves such treatment - from others or themselves.