Seeking advice on overcoming social hurdles of intergenerational relationships

[Defaultusername]

Hello all!

So, I am 26. I've *always* been attracted to older men. Lost my virginity at 18 to a 54 year old, had a sexy pen pal for years who was about 48-53 at the time. But until recently, the biggest age gap I'd had in a LTR was 10 years. And even then, my partner was accused of "robbing the cradle" even though I was the one who had persued him, lol.

Fast forward to about three months ago. That's when I fell in love with a wonderfully charming, intelligent, loving, handsome man, who happens to be almost twice my age, at 50 going on 51. We had actually known each other for three years prior as online friends who chatted occasionally. But my previous relationship ending, resulting in me moving back to my hometown close to where he lives was what prompted us to meet in person.

Our relationship is going great. We communicate well, enjoy spending time together, do well at resolving conflicts, and in a sense, round off the edges of the other's personality. He tends to come off as more adversarial than he means to, and tends to be a bit taciturn or gruff, while I tend to over analyze and take things more personally than I need to. We remind each other to center. It's pretty cool.

But there is an area I need advice on. How do we handle the social stigma, and the reaction that people have over intergenerational relationships? I mean, I'm used to feeling a little guarded about my relationships in public and with acquaintances on account of being gay, but with this, I feel tension even within the LGBT community.

He told his best friend about me and showed him a picture. His friend's reaction was "He's twelve!!" (The fact that I'm husky and furry with a beard didn't mean much, lol). Then I was talking to one of my closest, and usually most understanding friends about my new relationship, he looked up his Facebook profile and blurted out "Oh my God, how OLD is he?!?" (Which he apologized for, but still, that was his reaction) Needless to say, this has been frustrating.

Could anyone who's been in a similar situation give me some advice? How do you tell people about your relationship? How do you handle negative reactions? Has it caused tension between you and your partner? Is there any other advice you could give on things pertaining but not mentioned here? It's hard enough telling new people in public that you are in a gay relationship when the person you're with is the same age as you. It's that much more delicate when your partner looks like he might be your father.

Thank you!

 

[Naughty_Monkey]

I think you just have to accept you will get a wider range of reactions than if you were in a "normal" (whatever that is!) relationship and develop a thicker skin against it.

you don't have to apologize or make excuses to anyone, you're two adults who like each other and enjoy each others company. It's not anyone elses business, and if any of your friends don't like (past the initial surprise) and can't get over it. Then they're not the friends you thought they were. Is that a bit harsh? Maybe but the good news those kinds of people are actually very rare. MOST people might initially be surprised but would accept it and be happy for you. they're too busy dealing with their own lives to spend too much time judging someone else, and if they can't get over it - like I said, maybe it's time to cut them loose.

 

[eastofeden]

You have no control over what other people think and so ask yourself...IF you could control what other people think...would you?

 

[bankside]

One of the greatest things you can do for a relationship at any age is to be very selective in whose opinion you care about.

You are both adults trying to make some happiness for each other. That is all the justification you need. If it's obvious to you that you should both be together, then if people are rude enough to assume otherwise, just look at them with all the astonishment you can put out and say something like "Why would you say that?" Or "You're kidding me right?" Or "Really!?!" Or just a "You don't know what you're missing!" and then smile. Once you've politely made it clear that they don't know what they're talking about, most people will check themselves and back off. If they don't, feel free to be more blunt and less polite.

It is not your job to explain to people.

 

[KaraBulut]

..How do you tell people about your relationship? How do you handle negative reactions? Has it caused tension between you and your partner? Is there any other advice you could give on things pertaining but not mentioned here? It's hard enough telling new people in public that you are in a gay relationship when the person you're with is the same age as you. It's that much more delicate when your partner looks like he might be your father.

Even though it's 2017, there's still a group of people who judge relationships based upon gender, age, race, religion and other superficial factors that are, quite frankly, none of their business.

In the case of age differences, there's a definite gender bias. An older man dating a younger woman is viewed much differently that an older man dating a younger man.

Sometimes when you are asked these ridiculous questions, you have to decide whether the person asking the question is worthy of an answer. For those who have little right to judge, sometimes a silent stare that says, "Bitch, please" is enough. For those whose opinion you care about- like valued friends or family members- all that you need to say is, "He's happy. I'm happy. That's all that matters".

And in the end, your happiness is really all that matters.

 

[SeaCore]

So, if the issue you have with people that you know is their startled reaction you could take steps to ease them into the concept of your relationship. Before showing a picture of the guy you could talk about how you are in an intergenerational relationship, let them process that/ask questions (if needed) and then introduce them. Granted, that's more work on your part. I'm sure that could be annoying but it might help.
You might could also tell them up front that people tend to have a less-than-ideal reaction to your boyfriend and that you'd appreciate it if they kept their composure.

I know that I'd be sure to keep my biases a little in check if I knew something might bring them to the forefront.

 

[aaggii]

I´m 28 and my husband is 52, been together for 6 years now and married for one and a half. With us it was a bit more complicated than just the age gap: we have different backgrounds (different countries), he is like 15cm shorter than I am, he is on the chubby side (though he did lose more than 20kg in the last year), I am average, even when I used to weight more than him, due to the fact that I´m tall. It´s not all roses, but not because of the age gap.

Back to your question, people will talk, if not in your face, then behind your back. At first it will be weird for both of you, then you´ll get used to it and you can use it as an opportunity to see who are your real friends. They will get used to you two being a couple and in no time they will see it as normal as anything else. It will cause trouble between your partner and you but only if you let it do so.

Your family might have a bad reaction, thinking about how an older man is taking advantage of you. His family will probably think you´re after his money. Like I said, in time they´ll see it´s nothing like that. My parents did make some comments to which I replied they had no word in this considering they got married 2 weeks after they met (true story) and my partner´s parents accepted me since day 1; his dad only made one comment that I´m so much younger than he expected, but it wasn´t mean.

 

[Seasoned]

As much as we try, I don't think it's possible for a human being to be non-judgmental. People who like and love you will respect your choices. It's possible you'll both have to have answers at the ready for questions and comments. You may also decide not to share every hurtful comment you hear about one another.