Seeking Advice

[Spaces]

Okay. Here's the situation: I'm very young (18 yr old) and I was looking for some objective opinions on how I should approach dating.

I don't have any experience, but I'm interested in living out my life. Usually there wouldn't be any problems yet I find myself in an odd situation.

First of all, I am still living with my parents. I'm not ready to come out to them and I wouldn't want them to have to find out in any way other than me telling them. Secondly, I live in a relatively small city. I haven't really looked around, but I can't say for sure there is a very large gay community here.

Lastly, I'll be going to college in the Fall. I haven't decided where I'm going to be attending yet. The biggest reason I wanted some advice is because of this last reason.

I have a few choices for colleges. The most practical choice is the community college here. Which means another year or two living with my parents. A main reason to choose this option is that I would save a lot of money in college expenses.

Another choice is a public college a few hours away. This college is in a large city, which almost certainly means a larger LGBT population. That's the largest reason I would consider going to this school over the local community college.

So what I ask of all of you is some advice as to what I should be considering. Should I suck it up and wait a few years? Is getting out there and experiencing life more important than owing less money? This situation also kind of goes into the realm of financial security and what not. I don't want to make any decisions that I'll regret, so I don't want any 'definite' answers. I'm just looking for some opinions from a different point of view.

Thanks in advance.

 

[The_Reaper]

Well, all I can really tell you is my story and hope it helps.

I was sort of in the same boat you're in, small town although it had a very small gay community, almost non-existent. I wasn't overly ready to come out to my family, but I was desperate to start dating as well.

After high school, I decided to do my first year of college at the community college before moving off to attend on campus classes in the big city. Before that happened, I was outed by someone to my brother, who informed my father, who informed my mother. Surprisingly, it all went well considering how badly the situation could have turned out. So, in those respects, sometimes your parents finding out you're gay through other methods isn't the worst thing, provided you are able to admit to it when they get around to talking to you about it.

Now, as for whether you should stay in your small town or head out the door to college first...That really depends on your personality.

I stayed home for a year, and didn't really save that much money in the long run. Granted, I saved on food and housing, but tuition was slightly more expensive which balanced everything out in the long run.

I mentioned your personality; if you a social butterfly, taking your first year on campus might not be a bad idea, as you'll get a chance to know people in your program from the beginning, rather than joining on in the second year when some friendships and such have already been forged.

If you're more withdrawn, and don't plan on being a life of the party, community college isn't a bad idea. They usually have a smaller class sizes, so you might actually meet more people doing that, and possibly make friends who could become room-mates if you plan on attending the larger campus in the next term.

Financially, if that's your best concern, community college probably offers the best option. If you're more concerned socially, it's a 50/50 shot either way.

 

[Seasoned]

It might be helpful if you had a game plan in mind for coming out to your parents. I'm not telling you to out yourself. You will do that when and if you wish. Now, if living with them means you'll stay in the closet then I'd consider the possibility of moving away. Sooner or later you'll have the possibility of hooking up or dating and once that happens your coming out might not be so easy to control. I'd consider the community college AND coming out. That way, if it should go badly, you'd still have the possibility of the four year school. Good luck to you on all counts.

 

[rareboy]

Don't choose your school because of money or the opportunity to date.

Choose the school that suits your academic needs the best.

Once you go to any college, you should have more opportunities to meet other gay guys.

 

[KaraBulut]

Two guidelines:

1. College is for education, not for dating.
2. It doesn't matter where you go for your first 2 years, it matters what your grades are and which college name ends up on your diploma.

Talk to people who attended both colleges. Talk to the financial aid people at both colleges. Ask about class size and whether the teachers in the freshmen classes are professors or if they are teaching assistants, whether they can speak coherent english.

If your local college can offer you smaller freshman classes in your area of study and the faculty teach the classes instead of offloading them to a graduate student, it's your better option. Get good grades there and then finish your last two years at the larger university.

 

[Lube]

You've been given excellent advice about college.

But your real problem (and why you're here, as opposed to some other message board) is that you're closeted.

So I have to ask: Why are you closeted?

Give us more description of your family. Are there other out gay people in the family? Do your parents have gay friends? Are they super-religious or super-conservative?

What, specifically, is preventing you from coming out?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, I'm not one of those who think that college is strictly about school. Academics are a priority, but there's a lot of other kinds of non formal education to be had as well. Don't discount the social aspect of it. A consideration for your choice of a university should also include the social climate on the campus. The environment, etc.

For example - a gay man at Oral Roberts loonyversity. Not a good choice. If you're not compatible with the school you're in, your academics will suffer, you'll have a much greater chance of dropping out, and you won't be happy.

Fortunately most big public universities are pretty diverse. So this is less of an issue. But don't overlook it. Your college years are the only time in your life when you have the freedom of a kid, and the prerogatives of an adult. You want to choose a school to maximize your exposure and education in all aspects of your life.

I'll just jump down off this soapbox now....

 

[KaraBulut]

OK, I'm not one of those who think that college is strictly about school. Academics are a priority, but there's a lot of other kinds of non formal education to be had as well. Don't discount the social aspect of it. A consideration for your choice of a university should also include the social climate on the campus. The environment, etc.

I agree.

To clarify my earlier comment- yes, college is one of the best times in your life- you'll meet lots of new and different people. You'll be challenged intellectually and socially and you'll make friends that will last a lifetime.

But don't choose your school based upon the assumption that your sexuality will limit your choices. There are plenty of gay people in smaller colleges and these days, you can be openly gay and have straight friends who accept you for who you are.

Make your decision based upon your financial needs and the overall quality of the university. Sometimes there's a lot of advantages to attending a smaller university where the class sizes are small and sometimes there's a lot financial advantages to attending a community colleges as long as the quality of the education doesn't suffer.

 

[rareboy]

For example - a gay man at Oral Roberts loonyversity. Not a good choice.

I hadn't even considered the possibility.

And don't get me wrong. Socializing and an environment that is right for you to learn in are important considerations.

But I still maintain. Go to any college and put some effort into it and you'll meet lots of guys.

 

[maxpowr9]

While college is a great time for socializing, the primary reason you are going to college is to further your education. It is not some expensive day care center.

There is nothing wrong with community college. It is a very good stepping stone to get into a good four-year school.

However, as the reaper alluded to, being a transfer student is a huge downer at college. Most people make their cliques Freshmen year in college and are very reluctant to let others in. I am not saying its impossible, but unless you know people already there, it becomes very difficult to get involved. Even for me, I had my set group of friends Freshmen year. I did make more friends through classes and other activities also, but we generally stuck together.

Again, this is one of those situations where you have to sit down with your parents and discuss what school you want to attend. You don't have to talk about the whole "gay" aspect with them then either. You need to make a list of your needs and what you want in a college. Talk about finances with them and see if you can get any scholarships or grants from schools.

I do feel bad that you are going to college when rates are skyrocketing across the country. Best of luck with your searches!

 

[Spaces]

Thank you all for your sound advice, I appreciate it. I didn't expect this many people to reply so quickly.

Anyway, as clarification: I know I tailored my post to be centered around dating, but the reason there were only two college choices is because those are the two most likely colleges that I was choosing between anyway. Education is my primary reason for going to college and these are the ones I want to go to. I just had a few more things to consider before making my final choice.

I'm generally a social person and, from what some of you have mentioned, it's easier to find a group of friends if I go to a public school. I'll take that into consideration. Others have given the opposite advice. It's good to have a thorough list of the pros and cons.

You've been given excellent advice about college.

But your real problem (and why you're here, as opposed to some other message board) is that you're closeted.

So I have to ask: Why are you closeted?

Give us more description of your family. Are there other out gay people in the family? Do your parents have gay friends? Are they super-religious or super-conservative?

What, specifically, is preventing you from coming out?

To answer your questions, Lube, I'd say that I've never really thought about why I'm closeted. I suppose it's a mixture of me not feeling like it is all that important and that I'm a little scared as to what will happen. I've come out to my closest friends and that's it.

I have three older brothers who, I know for a fact, would not care that I'm gay. I've just yet to get around to telling them. Since all of them are away from home, I find it hard to come out to each one individually and would rather come out to all of them at once.

My parents are the biggest cause for concern when it comes to being gay. For the majority of my life, my parents have always been fairly religious. The interesting thing is that over the past few years, they have been changing drastically. We stopped attending church when I was younger and I recently talked with them about their religious status. My mother has become more and more skeptical of the prospect of God existing and what not (which doesn't surprise me, since she's a scientist). My father, on the other hand, still seems to be fairly religious. Just without the title of protestant. Both registered as Democrats in the last presidential election after being Republicans for the majority of their lives. If I recall correctly, my parents have never known anyone who's openly gay. My immediate family is essentially the only family I know. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are very distant.

So now that I've given you my parents' timeline (haha), my biggest fear of coming out is that I simply do not know how my parents would react. But now that I'm thinking about it, the more I'm inclined just to be confident and straight up tell them.

We've kind of deviated from the main topic, but it's nice to have someone take an interest. Thank you.

I have a few more things I was wondering though. This isn't specifically about dating or anything, more about generally living as a gay man. How exactly do any of you approach the topic of being gay when meeting new people? Does this information ever limit any friendships you might have with someone?

I greatly appreciate all the advice you guys have given me. Sorry for the wall of text. I don't get to talk about this stuff very often.

 

[Lube]

To answer your questions, Lube, I'd say that I've never really thought about why I'm closeted. I suppose it's a mixture of me not feeling like it is all that important and that I'm a little scared as to what will happen. I've come out to my closest friends and that's it.

I have three older brothers who, I know for a fact, would not care that I'm gay. I've just yet to get around to telling them. Since all of them are away from home, I find it hard to come out to each one individually and would rather come out to all of them at once.

My parents are the biggest cause for concern when it comes to being gay. For the majority of my life, my parents have always been fairly religious. The interesting thing is that over the past few years, they have been changing drastically. We stopped attending church when I was younger and I recently talked with them about their religious status. My mother has become more and more skeptical of the prospect of God existing and what not (which doesn't surprise me, since she's a scientist). My father, on the other hand, still seems to be fairly religious. Just without the title of protestant. Both registered as Democrats in the last presidential election after being Republicans for the majority of their lives. If I recall correctly, my parents have never known anyone who's openly gay. My immediate family is essentially the only family I know. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are very distant.

So now that I've given you my parents' timeline (haha), my biggest fear of coming out is that I simply do not know how my parents would react. But now that I'm thinking about it, the more I'm inclined just to be confident and straight up tell them.

You know, I was just talking to the mother of a lesbian who came out a couple years ago. Lovely lady. I asked her if she knew before her daughter actually came out to her. She said, "yes, of course!". So I asked her what her daughter asked her, which was, "Why didn't you bring it up years ago?". To which she replied, "because it's my daughter's responsibility to come out to me. It's all about growing up."

And she's right.

Coming out is scary and unpredictable. But it's a way of showing the world who you are, and that you're proud of who you are, and no one can take that away.

If that's not a right of passage, I don't know what is. I wish you the best of luck.

I have a few more things I was wondering though. This isn't specifically about dating or anything, more about generally living as a gay man. How exactly do any of you approach the topic of being gay when meeting new people? Does this information ever limit any friendships you might have with someone?

I greatly appreciate all the advice you guys have given me. Sorry for the wall of text. I don't get to talk about this stuff very often.

I never say "I'm gay" to new people I meet. Never. Don't need to. Instead, it comes out in smalltalk. When you talk with friends or schoolmates or coworkers, and you talk about movies or events or tv shows you like or hobbies or family, you just casually mention present or former boyfriends or dates and their funny stories or weird likes/dislikes. Just as you would talk about a girlfriend or date if you were straight. No difference at all. People pick up on it right away. People are not stupid.

I'd like to think it never limits friendships, but I'd be lying if I said so. I do become a little circumspect around overly religious people who might go wacko if I start talking about a boyfriend. But, then, they wouldn't typically be the type of people who would be close friends, anyway. So it's not a serious limitation.

Anyway, you're welcome!