(serious content) my experience fooling around with a "straight" guy

[umimherekinda]

i used to periodically fool around with a guy who was not openly gay. long story short, one night i asked him why we can't tell people, and he threatened me. it was a really traumatic experience, considering the violation of vulnerability, and i cut things off immediately after.

the strange thing, and the part that i'm having such a hard time compromising, is that my experiences with him are still part of my sexual fantasies. they're more often a memory that makes me sick or upset, but sometimes they still turn me on. does this make sense to anyone? it bothers me that trauma and arousal aren't more mutually exclusive.

 

[rareboy]

Hey, if the sex was good....there likely were a lot of good moments to remember....even if the guy subsequently threatened you, once he felt threatened.

If you were coming to the board to tell us that he had threatened you at the outset and that you had then continued to have a sexual relationship up to the present, even though you felt 'traumatized', then I'd be more concerned and suggest that you should seek out a gay counsellor to work through your issues...

Through your life you will likely meet (although hopefully not too many) nutcases who you will ultimately detach yourself from because they are threatening to your well-being in a number of ways...some overtly abusive, others more insidiously destructive. It doesn't mean that you won't still have mixed feelings and some good memories as well.

At this point, you have the safety of looking back on your time with this guy and fantasizing or romanticizing about the implicit danger that might have been there all along.

But in the larger picture, you also appear to see him for what he was and that is a good thing.

 

[TX-Beau]

We used to call that kind of thing Baptist Post Fuck Freakout, and it's why I don't bother with guys who aren't gay and out.

He wasn't dating you, he was fucking you. End of story.

 

[MascutarHero]

Well if it was a good fuck why not just keep it on the down low, I mean he is "straight" *cough*

 

[Seasoned]

The sex and danger mix can be highly addictive. Take it from someone who's been there. Avoid getting hooked. It ain't pretty. Good luck b

 

[ben9651]

""i used to periodically FOOL AROUND with a guy ""
You said it .. and its perfectly normal to still fantasize about him ))

 

[sharkattack2222]

haha this reminds me of my ex.

We had a secret relationship because neither of us were out of the closet. We dated for 10 months and had a very sexual relationship. When we did hangout outside of the house, it was driving around or getting something to eat/going to a movie out of town so that noone would recognize us. When he was with me he classified himself as gay but when he was with his friends and family he'd live the straight lifestyle (although jerks at school have accused him of being gay before because all of his friends are girls. It led him to posting pictures and things on his facebook for a bit to make it look like he was dating one of his friends when really he was dating me). Long story short, his family started questioning him about girlfriends cause he had a bunch of friends that were girls but no girlfriends while in the meantime, his brothers were ladies men. He broke up with me because he was having "mixed feelings about his sexuality and he didn't think he was gay anymore". Then started dating his girl best friend 2 weeks later and started spamming his facebook with pics of them and statuses about love and hearts<3. Theyve been together for 2 months now. So cute<3. He hasnt contacted me since they started dating aside from trying to add me on FB a month ago. I laugh to myself though that she most likely doesnt know that I was dating him right before they started dating. I still think he's in denial and they will break up anyday now, but thats just me wanting Karma to make an appearance

tl:dr Sorry I always end up ranting. Anyways, moral of the story is, although sneaking around with a guy who is on the DL is SEXY. Dating guys who are still closeted/pretending to be straight and in denial is a bad idea because although they seem like they are in love and having a good time (most of them are), they eventually MIGHT get scared again (depending on what goes on i.e; peer pressure, non-accepting friends and family, etc.) and think about what they are doing and step back into the closet.

oh and P.S. in my opinion, "straight" guys don't periodically fool around with the same sex, let alone even need to experiment with them to realize they aren't gay.

 

[mbamike]

Closeted guys have their reason for not coming out. Everyone has their own journey and need to do what is best for them.

There are a lot of guys who are not out and/or married on the hookup sites looking for m2m sex. As long as the sex is good and he treats me good while we are together, he can call himself whatever he wants.

I agree with TX-Beau, "he was not dating you, he was fucking you." Remember the good times you had with him and move on.

 

[umimherekinda]

Well if it was a good fuck why not just keep it on the down low, I mean he is "straight" *cough*

why not keep it on the down low? because he seriously violated me by threatening me while we were lying on my bed naked. i refuse to be a gay man who will jump through flaming hoops and take serious risks just so i can fuck a "straight" or straight-acting man. sorry, i just have more dignity than that.

 

[Rolyo85]

Hence you not dating him anymore. Problem solved, no?

 

[umimherekinda]

Hence you not dating him anymore. Problem solved, no?

yep, for the most part. i posted mainly because i was curious if anyone could relate to me about the simultaneous arousal and dread involved in remembering our encounters. it was initially disturbing to me that both of them were so closely entwined. i wish i could have just totally dismissed the memory, but it's not that simple.

no big trauma or anything; i'm just looking for people to relate to.

 

[Rolyo85]

Danger can be hot. Domination can be hot. It's normal to get mixed signals out of it.

 

[Just_Believe18]

yep, for the most part. i posted mainly because i was curious if anyone could relate to me about the simultaneous arousal and dread involved in remembering our encounters. it was initially disturbing to me that both of them were so closely entwined. i wish i could have just totally dismissed the memory, but it's not that simple.

no big trauma or anything; i'm just looking for people to relate to.

I think we can relate on some of the great sex we've had with ex-boyfriends that ended up turning out very, very badly. Just thinking about them makes one cringe, but hey, the memories of getting it on are still hot to think about and they'll always be a part of you.