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Seriously, WTF?

M

MisterHepburn

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I posted on here over the summer explaining my situation...

Summary:
Started hanging out with a "straight" guy back in March. By the end of April we were all but inseparable, we now spend every weekend together and usually one or two nights through the week. He says he's straight but during a camping trip this past summer he asked me what my sexual position was, a few hours later he told me he was horny and when I told him "if you were gay I'd help you out" he put my hand on his clothed dick and told me he'd "been curious for a while now;" then freaked after a few minutes as I started to touch bare skin. That was just a week or so after he told me he used to identify as bi and had "messed around with guys." On other occasions he's compared me to various exes ("so-and-so liked to do this, but not as much as you"), joked about us holding hands, has asked to sleep in the same bed as me, assumed we'll spend every weekend together...I could go on and on. With the exception of any sort of sexual intimacy, we are in a relationship (and neither of us have been in a relationship of any sort since we started hanging out).

So now...
A little over a week ago I went to NYC for the weekend and my friend seemed bummed. We didn't text much while I was there until my last day when he told me he had accidentally shown a naked picture of himself (back side) to an exes' mom and sister. After talking about it for a few minutes he said he was always afraid he had a gross butt, I said "every butt is gross until proven otherwise" and he sent the picture. I was shocked, even though my comment hinted at wanting to see it, I never imagined he'd send it (I'm not complaining, however).

So what's the problem?
I have serious feelings for this guy, and the way he acts I think he might too. I've suggested I had feelings for him before and we both kinda let the conversation go. But I can't really deal with suppressing my feelings anymore, especially not if he's going to send so many mixed signals. What do you guys think, time to talk to this guy?
 
MisterHepburn said:
So what's the problem?
I have serious feelings for this guy, and the way he acts I think he might too. I've suggested I had feelings for him before and we both kinda let the conversation go. But I can't really deal with suppressing my feelings anymore, especially not if he's going to send so many mixed signals. What do you guys think, time to talk to this guy?
Click to expand...

It's one thing to be in a friendship with a confused guys. It's another thing altogether to be in a relationship with one.

Question #1 in these situations is always, "Does he know you're gay?". If he doesn't know you are gay, then that is also Problem #1.

The next time you're in one of these "hinting" situations, confront him about it. Say something to the effect of "Sometimes I get the feeling that you're interested in more than just being friends...".

But... go back to the top of this reply and reread that sentence about being in relationships with confused guys. You need to decide whether dealing with a confused guy is worth the effort. If he freaks out when you touch his dick, it ain't gonna get better if you end getting naked together.

Honestly, there's so many other gay guys out that that would be happy to have you touch their dick and would be more than willing to let you do more than just look at their ass. Why waste time with a confused guy who can't be honest with you... or more importantly, can't be honest with himself?
 
March to December? If you had been pregnant you would have had the baby by now! You've been allowing yourself to be teased for a long time and I can imagine that it's taken it's toll. It's time to risk the friendship in my opinion because you deserve to be sexual with a willing partner(s) in keeping with your values. I'd begin by bringing up your sexual frustration and bluntly asking him what he's doing about his.
 
He most definitely knows that I am gay, I'm 100% out. His parents (dad especially) are very anti-gay and we no longer even try to hang out at his house if they're home. And I want to clarify our "relationship": we're together every weekend, we both budget our money for trips and time together, there's always a crazy amount of flirting going on, we both acknowledge how good we are for each other, I'm sure I'm leaving out lots but you get the general idea.
 
Seasoned said:
March to December? If you had been pregnant you would have had the baby by now! You've been allowing yourself to be teased for a long time and I can imagine that it's taken it's toll. It's time to risk the friendship in my opinion because you deserve to be sexual with a willing partner(s) in keeping with your values. I'd begin by bringing up your sexual frustration and bluntly asking him what he's doing about his.
Click to expand...

This is exactly what I needed to hear, because this is getting to be torture.
 
I agree with seasoned. I simply can see no reason to keep this charade going, but if it is to be a relationship, it needs to be open to conversation and mutual agreement. Your passivity is not apparently helpful.
Shep+
 
MisterHepburn said:
His parents (dad especially) are very anti-gay and we no longer even try to hang out at his house if they're home.
Click to expand...

There's a big piece of the problem. If he is gay and if he were to get involved with you, he has a lot to lose.
 
MisterHepburn said:
He most definitely knows that I am gay, I'm 100% out. His parents (dad especially) are very anti-gay and we no longer even try to hang out at his house if they're home. And I want to clarify our "relationship": we're together every weekend, we both budget our money for trips and time together, there's always a crazy amount of flirting going on, we both acknowledge how good we are for each other, I'm sure I'm leaving out lots but you get the general idea.
Click to expand...

hes your boyfriend it sounds like. :badgrin:
 
Ok, so, to me there is only one solution. I will give the guy the benefit of the doubt and not assume he's playing you, but being confused is the same as far as YOU should be concerned.

You have to confront him bluntly and without room for evasion. "Dude, I'm gay, and I like you a lot. I know that you also like me, but I need you to either decide what you want, or for us to go our separate ways." Because it's not worth being roundabout and trying to protect a friendship that is already deteriorating anyway due to the fact that it is not based exclusively on friendly feelings.

If he asks for time, give him a LITTLE of it. You've already been together too long for him to need more. And if he won't face the music, I suggest moving on. It is very hard cutting off a crush, but when it can't work, it just can't work.
 
MisterHepburn said:
What do you guys think, time to talk to this guy?
Click to expand...

You deserve the JUB Understatement of the Year Award.
It was time months ago. Now it's time to take the bull by the balls...or is that horns?

Stop suggesting you have feelings for him and just tell him outright. Assuming he is conflicted and fearful of the consequences of loving you, he is a grown man and needs to make an adult decision. It sounds like you have something you don't want to lose, but it might be out of your control if he won't man up to his feelings.

Let us know how it goes.
 
We spoke but it was rather fruitless-- I asked him why he sent the picture and we sat in silence for about 20 seconds before he started muttering about there being no real reason. He at one point said "I guess I did it to tease you," got very frustrated, said "but that would imply..." and said nothing more. I took over, told him I had feelings for him and that when he does something like that it makes me feel like he wants more than friendship, that if he doesn't want more he needs to knock it off because it's like torture for me. We sat in silence and after a few minutes I told him to text me when he wanted to hang out next. About 20 minutes later I got a text saying something about "and besides, you egged me on" (is it that easy to get naked pics from guys? haha). I let it go and we didn't communicate for several days, hanging out only yesterday where he passed out at my place. Shit situation, but I feel like I've done all I can.
 
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