Setting Boundaries with Casual Friends.

[Peloso]

For the last few hours I've been messaging with this guy from Adam4Adam. We first met on that site a few years ago.

Along with my asocial (as opposed to antisocial) nature, I tend to be very cautious about hookups as well as extremely selective. Unlike the past, I'm no longer interested in spur of the moment meetings.

Nevertheless, I found him to be super hot. But when covid hit, I stopped going to that site. When I returned earlier this week, I saw that he had been messaging me almost monthly for the past year. Seemed a bit obsessive, which turns me off, so I ghosted him. But he persisted. And he's been sending me hot messages and pics that I could no longer ignore, so I got back to him.

Turns out he's as close to perfect as I can imagine. He's my type and we're into the exact same stuff. But there are warning signs: his wall of unanswered messages, asking if he can come by right now (ordinarily that would be a deal breaker but we had been talking for a while) and asking if we can spend the day together instead of just meeting for sex. He acknowledged all the messages he sent me and said his persistence sometimes turns guys off. Luckily nothing he said indicates that he's looking at meeting as anything other than a hookup with the possibility of it being a regular thing, but still...

I want to move forward with this, but not if he's going to be too clingy. I had the opportunity to lay down some boundaries early in our conversation today but didn't. I was trying not to scare him off. Saying I'm a schizoid so I don't want to date and don't need sex all that much usually doesn't go over that well.

How can I get it across to this guy that while I may like him and be extremely hot for him, I'm not always available. Spelling out the schizoid thing early on usually doesn't work because people usually don't understand it until they see signs, so when they ask what the fuck is wrong with you? I can explain and it goes down easier.

I'm betting the answer will be to start laying down some light boundaries as soon as possible, but my social skills are a bit unrefined and I don't want to come off as being too blunt. At the same time I know you can't string someone along forever.

Should I just forget him or what?

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, if you are somewhat bothered by his persistence, then you have nothing to lose by being honest with him. If it scares him off, then the problem is solved.

Maybe phrase it a little differently: as in "I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm not very good in social situations. If that's a problem for you, then it's better you know this up front before we ever discuss meeting in person".

You can meet somewhere in public. If he's not who he says he is, you have the opportunity then to walk away afterward without any guilt.

On the other hand, since you have an interest in this guy and he's not giving up easy, maybe the fear isn't that it won't work out but instead, that it might?

 

[cabinfever]

I have been in similar situations. I would suggest NOT being blunt (as I learned too many times the hard way) and maybe if you might be interested in him just tell him you have alot going on and need some space to deal with it and if you want to leave the door open just let him know when you are in a better space maybe you can continue the friendship.

I had to deal with this in person for years and had alot of guys decide that we would be perfect together or "this meant that or that meant this" and the blunt approach which was my first inclination and in my mind I thought I was being nice by letting them know upfront but instead it was mostly seen as a rejection and alot of guys DO NOT handle rejection well.

Another one that worked well when the needing space thing didn't work was "I have alot of medical challenges at the moment I don't really want to talk about that are ongoing and I have to deal with them"

Good Luck!

 

[Peloso]

On the other hand, since you have an interest in this guy and he's not giving up easy, maybe the fear isn't that it won't work out but instead, that it might?

Yeah, I've heard this plenty of times from therapists.

Well, if you are somewhat bothered by his persistence, then you have nothing to lose by being honest with him. If it scares him off, then the problem is solved.

That's the problem. I want it both ways. But most guys lose patience with people who are aloof and frequently unavailable.

I have been in similar situations. I would suggest NOT being blunt (as I learned too many times the hard way) and maybe if you might be interested in him just tell him you have alot going on and need some space to deal with it and if you want to leave the door open just let him know when you are in a better space maybe you can continue the friendship.

Experience has taught me that I come off as blunt even when I'm not trying to be. This is less so in written communication, so I want to get the message across while we're still sexting.

Another one that worked well when the needing space thing didn't work was "I have alot of medical challenges at the moment I don't really want to talk about that are ongoing and I have to deal with them"

Maybe I'll tell him "The wound on my taint stopped weeping and the testicular parasites should be gone by next week."

It just occurred to me that if he's willing to pick up where we left off after I ghosted him for so long then maybe he'll put up with my instability. This has worked with other guys in the past, but only for a limited time. If that's the case, I just have to make sure not to hurt him.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, what do you want? It's a little vague in your post, is that because you haven't decided what you want from this guy?

Relationships are a two-way thing. You set your expectations, but then he gets to set his and both of you are going to need to do some kind of accommodating for the other. That's if he wants to go down that road at all.

Are you in a place to be his perfect guy? You can't affect his being him, but you can decide if you fit. That takes a lot more than some sex chat on the net.

If you're not going to be interested in pursuing more, it's not fair to him to let him build expectations of more. Rules for hookups - even regular ones, are different from dating someone - which is it you really want?

If you don't know then you do need to go hang out with him some more and just be polite and don't complicate things with sex just now. That will inform you fast enough what exactly he's thinking.

 

[Peloso]

Well, what do you want? It's a little vague in your post, is that because you haven't decided what you want from this guy?

NSA sex. At most, a friend with benefits.

I'm just gonna go for it. Have him over one day this week, maybe tomorrow. I can't really decide how I want to proceed with this until I see what kind of chemistry we have both personally and physically.

I just told him I will be visiting friends in New Jersey for a few days soon so if necessary I can use that as an escape route.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yeah, I've heard this plenty of times from therapists.

Not surprised. It's like the Isak Dinesen line, "When the gods want to punish you, they give you what you want."

That's the problem. I want it both ways. But most guys lose patience with people who are aloof and frequently unavailable.

Well... there's two issues that you're dealing with. One issue: you're complicated and you have a complicated history. Other issue: you have a lot of traits that might not be apparent until someone gets to know you... if you let them get to know you.

There's a whole group of people who read these situations as "He doesn't like me" and they personalize it. That was why I suggested being up front that you if this guy is attracted to you based upon a picture or upon how he (mis)reads you from social media, then it might be better just to get the honesty out of the way instead of having him try to figure out what is going on in your head.

Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that you tell him, "I just want to fuck you not get to know you". What I'm suggesting is that you be up front about, "I'm really complicated, very moody and very hard to read. I come with a lot of baggage and I might be an acquired taste. I'm willing to give this a shot but be warned, you might be in for a bumpy ride."

If that scares him off, then it's a sign that he's not really interested in more than a one-time fuck. If it interests him, then you've got another dilemma in dealing with your own attraction to him and the mixed bag of feelings that you have about relationships.

 

[Peloso]

Well... there's two issues that you're dealing with. One issue: you're complicated and you have a complicated history. Other issue: you have a lot of traits that might not be apparent until someone gets to know you... if you let them get to know you.

There's a whole group of people who read these situations as "He doesn't like me" and they personalize it. That was why I suggested being up front that you if this guy is attracted to you based upon a picture or upon how he (mis)reads you from social media, then it might be better just to get the honesty out of the way instead of having him try to figure out what is going on in your head.

Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that you tell him, "I just want to fuck you not get to know you". What I'm suggesting is that you be up front about, "I'm really complicated, very moody and very hard to read. I come with a lot of baggage and I might be an acquired taste. I'm willing to give this a shot but be warned, you might be in for a bumpy ride."

If that scares him off, then it's a sign that he's not really interested in more than a one-time fuck. If it interests him, then you've got another dilemma in dealing with your own attraction to him and the mixed bag of feelings that you have about relationships.

I'm not looking for any kind of relationship. This guy probably wouldn't be relationship material even if I were, so warning him about me seems to me to be a bit overkill.

The mystery and uncertainty of random online hookups complicates this situation for me but there's mystery and uncertainty at the outset of any relationship, isn't there?

I just don't want to hurt the guy.

If we click and I'm good with hanging out with him regularly then I will try and explain myself to him, but saying that I'm complicated and come with baggage usually brings about more questions. I'm sick of making up stories: I work a lot or I'll be out of town for the next couple of months always sounds better than I'm fraught with personality disorders.

As usual, I think I've been approaching this situation rather selfishly, worrying about my own comfort. Maybe if I try to be more transparent and more aware of his feelings, things might go more smoothly than they usually do. After all, it's he that stands the most to lose.

 

[cabinfever]

I'm not looking for any kind of relationship. This guy probably wouldn't be relationship material even if I were, so warning him about me seems to me to be a bit overkill.

The mystery and uncertainty of random online hookups complicates this situation for me but there's mystery and uncertainty at the outset of any relationship, isn't there?

I just don't want to hurt the guy.

If we click and I'm good with hanging out with him regularly then I will try and explain myself to him, but saying that I'm complicated and come with baggage usually brings about more questions. I'm sick of making up stories: I work a lot or I'll be out of town for the next couple of months always sounds better than I'm fraught with personality disorders.

As usual, I think I've been approaching this situation rather selfishly, worrying about my own comfort. Maybe if I try to be more transparent and more aware of his feelings, things might go more smoothly than they usually do. After all, it's he that stands the most to lose.

There is a positive side to putting it out there. I hated to give up control of my life and my time and falling for someone does just that so I tried to put my worst foot forward if I was really interested in a guy since they are going to find out anyway and explain that I am difficult and a pain in the ass and often completely emotionally unavailable and I did so with my husband and all that did was turn him on - 35 years now.

 

[Peloso]

There is a positive side to putting it out there. I hated to give up control of my life and my time and falling for someone does just that so I tried to put my worst foot forward if I was really interested in a guy since they are going to find out anyway and explain that I am difficult and a pain in the ass and often completely emotionally unavailable and I did so with my husband and all that did was turn him on - 35 years now.

I avoid getting close to people because I fear I'll lose part of myself to/in them.


Well all this drama was for nothing. I had him over last night. He was a bit of a rube. A sexy rube, but a rube just the same. He's from Staten Island, the deep south of the northeast, so I should have expected that. I'd be willing to bet he's a Trump supporter, too.

Furthermore, his personality was nothing like it was while we were chatting online, and we had been chatting for quite some time. I'm not sure if that was his doing, my interpretation, or just the nature of meeting people digitally. When (or if) there is a next time I will keep that in mind.

After we finished, he started talking. And talking. About baseball. And macaroni and cheese. Specifically Kraft macaroni and cheese. Even more specifically, Kraft macaroni and cheese shapes because, as he hypothesized, the shapes have more surface area and therefore more room for the cheese sauce to cling to. It was at that point when I casually asked him "So how far away did you have to park?" I don't even like macaroni and cheese.

I'm pretty sure he wasn't exactly thrilled with me either. At no point did either of us bring up meeting again.

If I'm honest with myself, I will realize that despite this, he served his purpose: to break the monotony of beating off every other night. The sex was good. Real good, actually, and like every other time in I hooked up the last decade or so, I'll probably go a week without masturbating and then resume my normal schedule until the need for actual physical contact renders it boring, then the cycle will repeat.

Thanks to everyone for their advice!

 

[KaraBulut]

If I'm honest with myself, I will realize that despite this, he served his purpose: to break the monotony of beating off every other night. The sex was good. Real good, actually, and like every other time in I hooked up the last decade or so, I'll probably go a week without masturbating and then resume my normal schedule until the need for actual physical contact renders it boring, then the cycle will repeat.

Well, everyone got something. Sometimes that's all you can hope for.

 

[TX-Beau]

All a hookup needs to be is hot and willing.

 

[Peloso]

All a hookup needs to be is hot and willing.

Two things I'm having increasing difficulty with as time marches on.