sex in an open relationship

[cabriolet]

Hi guys!

First off, my English is terrible so please bear with me

I am asian, 30 years old and having an open relationship with this Caucasian guy for about 15 months now. He's 14 years older. We've been living together for 13 months.

This is my first relationship and I was the one who proposed to have an open relationship. I didn't expect anything, more like see how it goes. But now after living with it I can see how challenging this kind of relationship for me.

I wonder, for you who also having an open relationship, would you let your partner having a one on one sex with the same guy for about 3 times?

We did a threeway sex with them first, but that was it for me. He enjoyed it so much so invite the boy over and over again. I don't like that, but he does with justification, the sex is good and he's too lazy to find new one. When I pointed out our agreement on no emotional attachment he said of course not and don't worry about it.

So few days ago, he decided to stop have sex with this man after 3 times and thinking to be friends instead. I told him you can't do that because it'd be awkward for me. I did make friends from sex and most of them become a good friends of mine but I told him you can't make friends from sex buddy since we are in a relationship, fortunately. But he said, don't worry about it, it just friends now.

Am I wrong for expressing my feeling about this? Could you guys share a thought and give me some insight please.

I really appreciate the inputs as I duno to talk to about this.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, against the rules is against the rules. I have a no standing repeat rule. It's a good rule to have. The only way I'd change that is if I knew the other guy really well.

For this to work, you both have to be committed to your relationship, that has to be first priority, and part of that is following your rules. I can say no to my partner for any reason, and he'll respect that, of course that's mutual, and I don't use it lightly.

Not because I'm worried that he's going to do the guy anyway, or because I'm afraid he's going to stray if I don't let him, but because I respect him enough to know damn well I'm his first priority.

If you're having this much anguish over this situation, maybe opening up your relationship was a bad idea. Change it.

Also you moved in together after only 2 months? That's damn fast.

 

[cabriolet]

Thanks TX-Beau for your input.

I am not sure if I can change from open to a closed relationship, because I am afraid that would change the way he sees me. He fell to me because he found I am incredibly progressive for an asian guy (he's a rice queen, been dating asian guys for decades), who proposed an open relationship at the first place. if I change that, am not sure he's ready...

Actually we moved in after less than a month of our relationship started. I was tired had to walk to his place everyday and he was lonely so moving into his place was not a bad idea, I thought..

One of our relationship rules is accept ourself as a human. Means that forgive and forget if anyone break those rules. He propose this and I thought it is fair enough. The things is, he always the one who broke the rules and blame it to the alcohol, or asking me to accept teh fact he will break teh rule anyway..

It's very frustrating!

We are now having a 2 weeks break. I am away to another town and will come back to him real soon but instead of getting things work out well.. I feel a bit funny about the whole thing instead

 

[TX-Beau]

If he's not ready for a monogamous relationship, he damn sure isn't ready for an open one. Open relationships are harder, require more commitment, trust, and self esteem.

I don't know of a single open relationship that works that didn't start monogamous, and frankly, I think you need that original bonding time with no distractions. Even if you know down the line you will open it up.

But what I think is going on for you, is that you both jumped in too soon, and you didn't evolve from seeing each other, to dating, to co-habitation.

 

[cabriolet]

I should make up my mind soon, shouldn't I?

Your insight get me thinking from other perspective now. I haven't really thought about the possible problems u suggest that might create our problems.

Still not sure what to do though, but I will try to brought up the idea not having an open relationship to him. Problem is, what if I wanted to have sex with others though? I don't wanna cheat on him..

 

[TX-Beau]

yeah, what is your commitment level towards each other. Open relationships aren't about sanctioned cheating. I opened mine up because his job took him 2000 miles away. Plus we've known each other for almost twenty years - 15 of that before we committed, off and on dating, we have massive history together.

It works because our relationship and bond has been fire tested, and didn't go away, all the guys he was with and dating during those fifteen years never pushed me out of his head. I don't care who he fucks really because I know HE knows the way home.

What your situation sounds like to me, is that neither of you are completely committed and want to keep some options open, which wouldn't be surprising considering how fast you went from 0 to 60.

 

[cabriolet]

People would consider we are a crazy couple. I mean, we decided to be in a relationship after few meetings, then decided to live together after few weeks going out. But we were completely comfortable when these decisions were made. I was curious how it feels to be in a relationship with a guy (I had a gf b4) and he was lonely and wanted to have a relationship to fill his life..

I guess am still unsure what actually an open relationship was until I am in it lol

I am still not sure what a commitment means in an open relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

No offense, but I'm not sure you understand commitment in any relationship.

"Curious," isn't really a very good reason to commit to someone, and "lonely," generally isn't either.

Why don't you just try and be roommates with benefits. Back burner the relationship stuff and have a no consequences good time for awhile.

Most guys do that in the seeing each other phase, then decide to get serious if they decide they like each other.

 

[cabriolet]

If he's not ready for a monogamous relationship, he damn sure isn't ready for an open one. Open relationships are harder, require more commitment, trust, and self esteem

You're right.
I will talk about this to him.

I think I will tell him that how much I wanna keep this relationship. Although we keep fighting and annoy to each others, one of the best way to resolve our problems is, let's start all over again by having a monogamous one. Then after having a strong bond and connection, open relationship options is always on the table.

 

[Seasoned]

To each his own and every couple makes their own way. Monogamy is the level of commitment I wish to make, but every couple makes their own commitment. The key is that they are working from the same definition and the arrangement gets redefined if one of the two is uncomfortable. It's not meant to be an arrangement where one of the guys has fuck buddies while the other guy is essentially abandoned. I think an open relationship works best when both partners have the same attitude regarding sex with others. It's not going to work if one of the guys is a sex addict and the other is a co-dependent.

You seem too sensitive for this. If you're looking for a non-Asian that likes Asian guys find one that lets you know on a daily basis how lucky he is to have found you. You deserve someone you can feel the same way.

Take good care of your self. Remember abuse is not just physical.

 

[rjmrjm21]

Hi guys!First off, my English is terrible so please bear with meI am asian, 30 years old and having an open relationship with this Caucasian guy for about 15 months now. He's 14 years older. We've been living together for 13 months.This is my first relationship and I was the one who proposed to have an open relationship. I didn't expect anything, more like see how it goes. But now after living with it I can see how challenging this kind of relationship for me.I wonder, for you who also having an open relationship, would you let your partner having a one on one sex with the same guy for about 3 times? We did a threeway sex with them first, but that was it for me. He enjoyed it so much so invite the boy over and over again. I don't like that, but he does with justification, the sex is good and he's too lazy to find new one. When I pointed out our agreement on no emotional attachment he said of course not and don't worry about it.So few days ago, he decided to stop have sex with this man after 3 times and thinking to be friends instead. I told him you can't do that because it'd be awkward for me. I did make friends from sex and most of them become a good friends of mine but I told him you can't make friends from sex buddy since we are in a relationship, fortunately. But he said, don't worry about it, it just friends now.Am I wrong for expressing my feeling about this? Could you guys share a thought and give me some insight please.
I really appreciate the inputs as I duno to talk to about this.

Is it really a relationship if other people are involved? I'd never settle for an open because it's just a big mess. It's like being friends with benefits but, it's what you wanted.

 

[rjmrjm21]

yeah, what is your commitment level towards each other. Open relationships aren't about sanctioned cheating. I opened mine up because his job took him 2000 miles away. Plus we've known each other for almost twenty years - 15 of that before we committed, off and on dating, we have massive history together.

It works because our relationship and bond has been fire tested, and didn't go away, all the guys he was with and dating during those fifteen years never pushed me out of his head. I don't care who he fucks really because I know HE knows the way home.What your situation sounds like to me, is that neither of you are completely committed and want to keep some options open, which wouldn't be surprising considering how fast you went from 0 to 60.

That is interesting. So, I'm curious, why don't you mind if he is fucking someone in front of your face or flirting with someone, buying drinks or grabbing or whatever, in front of you? That would piss the majority of people off.

 

[cabriolet]

Is it really a relationship if other people are involved? I'd never settle for an open because it's just a big mess. It's like being friends with benefits but, it's what you wanted.

Thanks for your response. I decided to do open without having any life experienced yet and haven't really spent some time to have a deep thought about it too, actually. I thought it made sense because we both love sex and trust each otehrs so we decided to do so with mutual consensus.

But then again, this thread is created for having an input or sharing experience toward people who have or is experiencing an open relationship. I am a bit unclear but could you remind me which one is yours, again? Thanks mate.

 

[cabriolet]

To each his own and every couple makes their own way. Monogamy is the level of commitment I wish to make, but every couple makes their own commitment. The key is that they are working from the same definition and the arrangement gets redefined if one of the two is uncomfortable. It's not meant to be an arrangement where one of the guys has fuck buddies while the other guy is essentially abandoned. I think an open relationship works best when both partners have the same attitude regarding sex with others. It's not going to work if one of the guys is a sex addict and the other is a co-dependent.

You seem too sensitive for this. If you're looking for a non-Asian that likes Asian guys find one that lets you know on a daily basis how lucky he is to have found you. You deserve someone you can feel the same way.

Take good care of your self. Remember abuse is not just physical.

Thanks soreknees, I found your post is very meaningful

We have resolve the problems by having a deep chat about it - through texting lol.
It started off with, he was asking was I okay because I sounds funny, I somehow was so upset and couldn't think straight and I blew it off on his face about what I rally feel about our relationship and his actions the last few days.

His response was like, he did not realize what actually going on and thought I am okay, just a bit weird. So, I guess it clearly that we got a serious communication issues here.

My background has formed me to be a bit the opposite of his, where I am a bit quite, keep things by myself and yeah, quiet introvert really. And I just not able to express things as straight to the point like he does. I am also a bit intimidate whenever I wanna express my feeling because he would bully me with sarcastic words that I wouldn't expect a boyfriend would talk to me like that.

Anyway, the problem has been resolved. He listened to me. He apologize for making me feel disrespectful and he's forgiven of course, well because I love him anyway.. So we are back to our normal life and life like a honeymoon couple for now..

 

[TX-Beau]

Is it really a relationship if other people are involved? I'd never settle for an open because it's just a big mess.

That is interesting. So, I'm curious, why don't you mind if he is fucking someone in front of your face or flirting with someone, buying drinks or grabbing or whatever, in front of you? That would piss the majority of people off.

No, you're not curious, you're self-righteous.

From the sound of this you’re either somewhere around eighteen, have low self-esteem and jealousy issues, are bitter because of some personal disappointment, or hell, maybe all of the above. There are far more monogamous relationships that are “just a big mess,” because the fuckers are dishonest and cheating on one another. Is that what happened to you? Because I can’t really see any other reasons than personal conceit or bitterness to post something like this to someone you don’t know in a thread that isn’t yours.

My guy wouldn't do anything "in front of me," that I wasn't comfortable with. Because he's an adult, not a boy, and whatever I might be comfortable with is none of your damn business.

Sorry to prick your self-righteous bubble, but frankly, you’re a gay man, the high horse you’re trying to occupy is already taken by people who think you’re a dirty nasty pervert for just dating guys in the first place.

…people who live in glass houses…

Thank you for your sanctimonious judgmentalism, but I’m neither fourteen, nor an insecure, jealous queen who thinks my boyfriend is an inconsiderate child who must be monitored.

 

[future_retro]

TX-Beau, you sound just as sanctimonious, bitter, judgmental and insecure as rjmrjm21, if not more so. And very angry. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

 

[TX-Beau]

LOL. Sure.

 

[slnattak]

Men are naturally wired to fuck whoever we think is hot.

But we also have a heart too. That strives us for more ethical behavior.

That usually includes pretty white lies to get along with people to keep the peace and to make others like us and to be pleasant in social situations.

I have a close gay friend. I find him attractive, and we're compatible, but he already has a boyfriend, although when he's around me he doesn't like it because we can't help but flirt and be sexy with each other. So it can be hard, cause we'll crush on each other, even THOUGH he's in a relationship that makes him happy.

This is because monogamy is a load of bullshit.... because this guy is the sweetest guy I know. For a man, he's practically a saint. He's really nice and kind to me.

People just have to realize that sex isn't the enemy, and that just being monogamy isn't natural for humans, it doesn't make us evil people. Being evil makes us evil people.

I wouldn't mind if my lover wanted to fuck whoever, knowing what horndogs men are (especially porn addicted gay dudes). I would just want somebody to be sweet to me, and not be typical asshole guy like. A lot of men are cruel just because they can be, they associate masculinity with meanness.

But if you're using sex to try and get some sort of emotional connection from men that you felt was taken from you as a child (typical gay male drama issues) then that's really unhealthy. Sexual addiction is common in our population. We're the most sexually free people, but we also abuse it and go too much in the other direction. And all people have to realize that sexual satisfaction isn't the same thing as emotional satisfaction even though it feels wonderful when those two overlap.

 

[slnattak]

TX, I don't really understand why you sound so harsh to that poster though. Even though in principal I agree with you.

I loved this one boy, I mean loved as much as you can love a person, not just sexual- but including sex too. And I wouldn't care if he wanted to fuck other people, because hell all the time that I was loving him to death, I wanted to fuck other people too. Even though our love felt like the strongest in the world, we still were guys who were easily amused by sex. The way guys are.

I don't know, sex drive is a highly individual thing and depends on the person. I wouldn't ask for monogamy in gay males though LOL. That's like asking a straight man not to start a war. I hope you find somebody you're compatible with though...

In the end, people should be kinder to each other that means calling other gay men 'insecure bitter sissy queens' is probably not very helpful. Now apologize, kiss and make up!

 

[rjmrjm21]

No, you're not curious, you're self-righteous.

From the sound of this you’re either somewhere around eighteen, have low self-esteem and jealousy issues, are bitter because of some personal disappointment, or hell, maybe all of the above. There are far more monogamous relationships that are “just a big mess,” because the fuckers are dishonest and cheating on one another. Is that what happened to you? Because I can’t really see any other reasons than personal conceit or bitterness to post something like this to someone you don’t know in a thread that isn’t yours.

My guy wouldn't do anything "in front of me," that I wasn't comfortable with. Because he's an adult, not a boy, and whatever I might be comfortable with is none of your damn business.

Sorry to prick your self-righteous bubble, but frankly, you’re a gay man, the high horse you’re trying to occupy is already taken by people who think you’re a dirty nasty pervert for just dating guys in the first place.

…people who live in glass houses…

Thank you for your sanctimonious judgmentalism, but I’m neither fourteen, nor an insecure, jealous queen who thinks my boyfriend is an inconsiderate child who must be monitored.

I just asked a question. I'm not your boyfriend. You are in an open relationship and you are putting your business out there for everyone. So, I thought I'd ask. If you can't answer without blowing up at the thought of your "partner" making love to some hot guy, buying him a drink, grabbing his ass, or flirting with him in front of your face...then why put your business out there? So are you saying you do mind if he does those things in front of you? You don't mind, as long as you don't see? What do you do? Do you turn your head? Is it ok as long as nobody says anything to you about it? You do realize that open relationships are far from the norm, so it's not just me being jealous or bitter--it's you being in denial and a bunch of other things that I won't mention.