Sex phobia / still virgin at 34.. now I know why (difficult)

[KölnElch]

My first post in a long time...
I think I now found out my main problem that keeps me away from sex. Some years I thought I was too ugly for it, then I thought I am too old for it, then I thought I am too innocent for it... but now that I have some fabulous gay friends finally they made me realize something that totally keeps me away from sex.

To make it short for now:
I hope that I don't offend anyone with what I'm gonna say, but it's how it is:
I am totally scared I'm gonna catch a STD, especially HIV.

Now the full story.
Ever since I can think, I am very careful of not drinking out of anyone else's glass or eating with the same spoon or fork or so, even relatives, mum, dad, cousin, anyone.
I have no problems with the "clean" things, like, I don't have the urge to wash my hands always and things like that. It's not the point.... I am just very distanced from body liquids, and I also try to keep mine for myself - i.e. hardly would give anyone else my own glass and so. If I think of someone would bite in a sandwich that I bite in already, it would disgust me (for him!) to imagine he'd do that.

Now I know I'm gay for many years now, I'm out, my family knows, my friends know, I have been in therapy for other things for 6 years and it's all fine just not the fact that I keep away from any situation that might lead to sex. I enjoy gay clubs and flirting and on very rare occasions I even ( ! ) kissed a guy. But I never undressed, and never anyone touched my penis but me.
And I do know about safer sex. It keeps me away from sex.

And now the current story....

First of all I have to say I always thought my friends are totally normal and nice and well educated young guys (one of them is a doctor) who do have lots of sex with random guys but ok. I always assumed they'd do it safe.

Now what happened a few days ago...
we met and suddenly they asked if I would spit or swallow (they totally know I'm a virgin). I was a bit shocked and said I'd of course spit if it would ever come across my lips. They were shocked on their side and said that this would be very rude towards my partner, and that they always swallow and I should do so too.
Then I was even more shocked cos I always thought they're well educated and know what they're doing, but either they are not or I'm reading only lies in safer-sex-websites.

So this made my problem for me a) very clear now and b) bigger.
Clear, cos I now know I'm too careful about body liquids... so careful that it would prevent me from having sex ever.

Bigger, because if it's that common to swallow, and if it's that rude if I wouldn't do that, then of COURSE I won't ever want a blowjob. Yes there's also fucking and condoms but that's another topic. I wanna be able to give and get blow jobs, but I am too fucking scared. Some say one should not let the cum inside your mouth but honestly, who would think of that during sex, esp. if you're a bit drunk? Isn't that like... the opposite you need for sex, to relax and let go? How can you let go if you think of OMG-I-MIGHT-GET-HIV-NOW all the time!? How can you trust the other pulls out before it comes - especially if I get the picture now that noone gives a shit about safe sex, even well educated nice decent guys?

I'm freaking out because of all this, all these thoughts.... some of my friends said they never thought about safe ORAL sex, but I then think how fucking dangerous is THAT!?
They compared it too walking across the street and getting hit by a car... oh no, you can see the car, but you never will be able to see a deathly virus getting into your mouth in 20 seconds so you'd still be able to avoid it. This comparison doesn't work.

So now I'm a) absolutely shocked and worrying about my friends and b) feeling totally awkward and have no clue how to deal with my fears.

Giving head is russian roulette, that's my conclusion and that will make me stay a virgin for all my life, cos in my fantasy, blowjobs are my biggest sexual desire.

Sorry for being an alien...
and I hope I didn't offend anyone with STD or who has a loved person with it.
This is dominating my sex life and I feel like I'm the only one.

 

[bankside]

You are choosing the wrong approach to having sex. You are never going to be the kind of person who enjoys sex with someone you don't know.

The medical risk of sex with people you have only just met is much higher than picking one partner and developing a long-term monogamous relationship. You know that in reliable long-term monogamous relationship, you cannot give each other any diseases that you don't already have.

Giving head is not russian roulette. Giving head to a series of strangers is russian roulette.

 

[altlover85]

You need to be educated about safe sex and the risks for HIV. The risk of getting HIV from oral sex is relatively low as long as you don't have any cuts in your mouth and he doesn't have any cuts on his dick.

If you are extremely worried about this guy having HIV just ask him to get tested before you have sex.

You should go to www.plannedparenthood.com and look at what they have to say about safe sex.

Good luck and come back with any questions.

 

[Corny]

Nein, du bist nicht der Einzige. Nimm Abstand zu den Typen. Sie mögen nett zu dir sein, aber ihr lebt offensichtlich in verschiedenen Welten. Schlucken war nie und wird nie "Safe Sex" sein. Alles andere ist Augenwischerei, und wenn sie dir das als solchen verkaufen wollen finde ich das eher beängstigend.
Und wenn es dich beruhigt: das ist nicht die Norm. Ich bin durchaus kein Engel und hab genug Kerle im Bett gehabt. Aber erwartet dass ich "schlucke" hat nie einer - und wenn es mal jemand erwarten sollte ist der schneller rausgeflogen als er gucken kann.
Aber die Auto-Analogie ist nicht ganz verkehrt. Du musst nicht auf der Straße stehen um getroffen zu werden. Es reicht einfach wenn du "Verkehrsteilnehmer" bist. Und trotzdem bist du jeden Tag im Verkehr unterwegs. So wie der Weg zur Arbeit, ist auch Sex nicht ohne Risiko. Aber wenn du dich darum kümmerst dass du "safe" bleibst, ist das Risiko auch nicht größer als das du auf dem Weg zur Arbeit vom Auto erfasst wirst. Vermutlich sogar geringer.

TL;DKG
your friends are idiots, don't listen to them. life always bears risks, sex is one of them, try to make it as safe as possible.

 

[altlover85]

Corny, thank God for google translate.

I forgot to say if someone isn't okay with you spitting it out, you shouldn't waste your time on them.

 

[Echoes]

There's no need to be so terrified about sex mate, well actually about STDs. Just find a man you really like and enjoy time with, become friends and ask him to get tested (if necessary) before having sex, if you both are responsible and rely on each other there's no need to be afraid of any STD. Your friends are morons and you shouldn't listen to them, spitting and swallowing don't mean a thing. Plus if you are certain your mouth is fine (no cuts) there's nothing to worry about. You're obviously not a person who likes having one-night-stands and that's fine, you're not the only one.

I hope it helps

 

[heightsboi]

For some people, numbers help. According to the CDC, the risk of getting HIV from giving head (receptive oral sex) is 1 in 10,000. Of course it depends on things like viral load, whether there are sores in the mouth, and such. For unprotected anal sex as the bottom, it's 50 times higher (5 in 1000).

If it comes to pass that you have unprotected sex, you can start medicines to try to prevent HIV infection within 72 hours of having sex. It's not 100 percent, but does reduce the chances of becoming infected with HIV.

Regardless, it sounds like you need some help sorting through your feelings about sex.

 

[vidarr]

If it comes to pass that you have unprotected sex, you can start medicines to try to prevent HIV infection within 72 hours of having sex. It's not 100 percent, but does reduce the chances of becoming infected with HIV.

While true there are such medicines, they are not meant to be taken as protection against HIV.
Besides, the side effects (at least one I know of) will keep you bedridden and close to the toilet for weeks.

As someone who lives with hiv.. I learned that there is no excuse for not being safe. But.. I also learned that my life needs to be lived to the fullest.
I can't worry about every little precaution because there's a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of getting some disease.

 

[KölnElch]

Thank you all for the replies. How to start...

First of all I don't believe in the one-man-theory for me. I don't wanna say no to a long-term-monogameous relationship, but I also don't wanna say no to One Night Stands if it feels right and I like the guy... the reason why I don't appear like someone who'd look for ONS is simply because of my fear of STD (and the fear how to behave during sex), not because of moral or even religious reasons. This changed a lot in the past 2 years, I became much less shy, and less monogamous in my imagination and self-image.
Hell I can hardly watch the same porn star 2 days in a row to jerk off, I'd need another one

Thing about to let the partner get tested: Ehm...
I'd have to trust him that he a) tells me the truth about the test result, b) having done the test at all and c) having been absolutely safe in the past 3 months.
It would take me a year to trust a guy like this before we can have sex, lol... why not trust him right away? It makes no big difference I think...

@Corny: Danke fürs Deutsch, aber lass uns den Thread lieber auf englisch halten (lets keep the thread english please)

I can't stay away from my friends because we are very close for a long time and I won't be able to avoid them because we share the same (non-sex) hobby/interest in a big international group with frequent meetups. And I doubt they have talked about this out of being conciously careless but cos of they have no idea. It seems to me like many guys think of "safer sex" only regarding to anal sex and have no clue that there is an oral risk.
When I asked my friend if he's doing it safe, then he said of course, he's using condoms, but well, he swallows. Obviously he has no idea it's unsafe.
Even here on JUB in the galleries, there is a safer sex warning about pictures with barebacking, but not with cum in mouth.
This just proofs that safer oral sex is not a topic for loads of people obviously...

Anyway...
I don't want to be restricted to being monogamous and finding the ONE guy, it might happen, but I feel it's kind of impossible. Don't mention internet dating sites, I hate that. I feel much better getting to "know" someone on a party, and if he's nice (this you can tell within a short time I guess), I'd be open for ONS IF there weren't my other issues.

I want to be open for spontaneous sex also, but with the thousand precaution-thoughts in my head, it seems tough for me. But I think once I know how to behave during sex, especially oral sex, it might be less a problem.

I think a good comparison might be medicine with side effects... if I read the paper I totally worry about I might get one of the rare side effects with a 1:10000 chance...
so I might not take the medicine even.... but since a few years I don't read that paper anymore and just swallow.
That doesn't mean I'll be conciously swallowing cum now, lol... but maybe it makes me learn to find the right balance... to not be panicing when it by mistake does come into my mouth... but it's a long way to go and a lot of things that I need to talk about to someone experienced............

one question though that I never got answered anywhere before:
How big of a risk is is to GET head?

 

[KaraBulut]

What you're relating is a rational fear that has become an irrational fear.

It's a little like saying, "I don't drive because I'm afraid that racing cars are dangerous". Well, when one drives to the grocery store or to work, it's not typically in a high performance racing car...

The fear that you have around STDs and anal sex is preventing you from having normal interactions with guys. Like kissing. Like cuddling. Like just getting naked and playing. Like jacking off together. Like giving each other handjobs.

Given the level of irrational fear and the obsessive nature of it, it may be that your problem is not actually issues with being gay/anal sex/STDs- the issue may be obsessive compulsive disorder.

 

[Echoes]

What you're relating is a rational fear that has become an irrational fear.

It's a little like saying, "I don't drive because I'm afraid that racing cars are dangerous". Well, when one drives to the grocery store or to work, it's not typically in a high performance racing car...

The fear that you have around STDs and anal sex is preventing you from having normal interactions with guys. Like kissing. Like cuddling. Like just getting naked and playing. Like jacking off together. Like giving each other handjobs.

Given the level of irrational fear and the obsessive nature of it, it may be that your problem is not actually issues with being gay/anal sex/STDs- the issue may be obsessive compulsive disorder.

^

this, are sex and STDs the only things that make you feel the way you do? what about tidiness? cleaning? flying?

 

[PrettyWings]

Lol. Reading through the first post was hilarious, but to piggyback off altlover8, said earlier, you should really read up on sex, STD's, risks, and precautions you can take. Every thing else will fall into place.

one question though that I never got answered anywhere before:
How big of a risk is is to GET head?

http://std.about.com/od/riskfactorsforstds/a/oralsexsafesex.htm

 

[altlover85]

First of all I don't believe in the one-man-theory for me. I don't wanna say no to a long-term-monogameous relationship, but I also don't wanna say no to One Night Stands if it feels right and I like the guy... the reason why I don't appear like someone who'd look for ONS is simply because of my fear of STD (and the fear how to behave during sex), not because of moral or even religious reasons. This changed a lot in the past 2 years, I became much less shy, and less monogamous in my imagination and self-image.
Hell I can hardly watch the same porn star 2 days in a row to jerk off, I'd need another one

There is a difference between your fantasy life and reality. This is something you will find out once you have sex. I've fantasized about threesomes with two of my teachers when I was younger, but never had those experiences. The reality of sex isn't like porn and you may not be bored with a guy after a few nights. I generally don't watch the same porn videos everyday, but I've been monogamous for three years so there is room for difference in porn/fantasy tastes and your own reality.

Thing about to let the partner get tested: Ehm...
I'd have to trust him that he a) tells me the truth about the test result, b) having done the test at all and c) having been absolutely safe in the past 3 months.
It would take me a year to trust a guy like this before we can have sex, lol... why not trust him right away? It makes no big difference I think...

Well, honestly, you haven't had sex yet, so what's a few more months? Do you understand how your last paragraph doesn't really make sense?

I can't stay away from my friends because we are very close for a long time and I won't be able to avoid them because we share the same (non-sex) hobby/interest in a big international group with frequent meetups. And I doubt they have talked about this out of being conciously careless but cos of they have no idea. It seems to me like many guys think of "safer sex" only regarding to anal sex and have no clue that there is an oral risk.
When I asked my friend if he's doing it safe, then he said of course, he's using condoms, but well, he swallows. Obviously he has no idea it's unsafe.
Even here on JUB in the galleries, there is a safer sex warning about pictures with barebacking, but not with cum in mouth.
This just proofs that safer oral sex is not a topic for loads of people obviously...

I don't know how many are aware of an oral risk or not. I am aware that there is an oral risk, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Since I've been monogamous for 3 years it's been even less of an issue.

Anyway...
I don't want to be restricted to being monogamous and finding the ONE guy, it might happen, but I feel it's kind of impossible. Don't mention internet dating sites, I hate that. I feel much better getting to "know" someone on a party, and if he's nice (this you can tell within a short time I guess), I'd be open for ONS IF there weren't my other issues.

You don't really get to know someone until after a longer period of time. People lie at parties too.

I want to be open for spontaneous sex also, but with the thousand precaution-thoughts in my head, it seems tough for me. But I think once I know how to behave during sex, especially oral sex, it might be less a problem.

I think a good comparison might be medicine with side effects... if I read the paper I totally worry about I might get one of the rare side effects with a 1:10000 chance...
so I might not take the medicine even.... but since a few years I don't read that paper anymore and just swallow.

The medicine example shows that you are being irrational. You need to start educating yourself and dealing with your irrational fears.

one question though that I never got answered anywhere before:
How big of a risk is is to GET head?

Follow the links I and others have posted.

 

[KölnElch]

Alright, I will get informations from somewhere.
And no, I am not afraid of flying (anymore), I came over this 2 years ago. Dirt... no problem for me. Tidiness... I like to tidy up my place sometimes but I definitely can feel well in chaos as well.
So yes, my problem is only concerning body liquids / STD. Well, also spiders, but I don't see that as a restrictive problem.

Well, honestly, you haven't had sex yet, so what's a few more months? Do you understand how your last paragraph doesn't really make sense?

What's a few more months? Well, I *can* live without sex for some months but I obviously don't want that.
What I mean is, if I get the chance of a one night stand, I want to be able to do it without getting scared.

 

[altlover85]

What I mean is, if I get the chance of a one night stand, I want to be able to do it without getting scared.

You may not be able to do it without getting scared unless you have some reassurance ahead of time. I think trust would be a great thing for you in terms of being with someone sexually because of your issues around STD's and body fluids.

Is your medicine phobia gone?

 

[bankside]

For me a one night stand is not a moral issue. It is a health issue though. I think it is reasonable and accurate to be concerned about sexual activity with a stranger.

I don't think every relationship has to wait until you decide that you are meant to spend your lives together, but the more you know about someone's health history and behaviour, the safer it is.

I have that freedom with my guy, and it means I can enjoy physical pleasure with him without worrying about my health, and I could never have that with a stranger.

So maybe you don't need a boyfriend, but maybe at least a "friend with benefits" instead of a stranger?

 

[KölnElch]

Yep, as I said before, yes, I just take medicine now without going mad about the paper / possible side effects anymore... I just made the mistake to have written the first half of the statement in present tense before I noticed there was a change for some time now.
My mistake

I think a good comparison might be medicine with side effects... if I read the paper I totally worry about I might get one of the rare side effects with a 1:10000 chance...
so I might not take the medicine even.... but since a few years I don't read that paper anymore and just swallow.

 

[altlover85]

Yep, as I said before, yes, I just take medicine now without going mad about the paper / possible side effects anymore... I just made the mistake to have written the first half of the statement in present tense before I noticed there was a change for some time now.
My mistake

It's okay. I think bankside gave some great advice just now that's worth following.

 

[mbamike]

KölnElch, we share the same concerns, but my approach is a little different than yours. I love gay sex and use hook up sites to find guys for sex. I practice safer sex, but I don't use a condom when I am sucking a guy's cock.

I tell the guy "don't cum in my mouth!" All the guys have complied with my wishes. Then once he is real hard and he is wanting to cum, he puts on a condom to fuck me. I am a total bottom. The guys cum inside the condom. I do not touch or taste his cum.

I have hooked up with several guys these last two years I have been having gay sex. I am having the best sex of my life! I was married and have a kid BTW.

Also, my wish to not have his cum in my mouth does not seem to deter guys from hooking up with me. I have had a couple of repeats. Last year I had a fuck buddy for about three months and my current fuck buddy has been around for about three months also. He told me he has never had this much sex in his entire life! He is 36 years old. We fucked four times last week alone!

So, you can address your concerns about catching HIV/STD and enjoy sex also. I hope this helps.