secondmonkey
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For christ sake...use a condom.
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Sex with my partner that is HIV+
- Thread starter secondmonkey
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Richardodessa
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Where is the love or respect?
sunshinesteve
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its times like these.....oops no flame zone
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Man, I have a hard time trying to figure out if your thread is serious or not.
Two years of unprotected sex with a pos guy and you are still neg.... well man, you are lucky. And friend, if you don't want to experience the anger of becoming positive while in a relationship I think you'd better do something to protect youself.
What kind of guy are you in a relationship with anyway man? Does he want you to become positive too? If you don't care about your own health man that is sad, but it doesn't absolve you of the obgliation to not become a carrier of HIV.
I hope it doesn't happen man, but say your buddy dies.... you would no doubt want to find another b/f. And if by then you are pos you could pass it on to him.
This is a serious disease man. Sure there are drugs to control it a bit, but they are not always successful.... please protect yourself.
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if you aren't HIV+ then then you should be study. The vaccine just might be in you anus.
Seriously though, that is a little fascinating. I heard that it can be undetected for six months, but two years is pretty long. (but still possible nonetheless)
If you think you'll have a problem coming to terms to being HIV+, then why are you constantly knowingly having unprotected sex w/womeone who is? Isn't that main way you get?
Seriously though, that is a little fascinating. I heard that it can be undetected for six months, but two years is pretty long. (but still possible nonetheless)
If you think you'll have a problem coming to terms to being HIV+, then why are you constantly knowingly having unprotected sex w/womeone who is? Isn't that main way you get?
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First, please realize that some of the responses you've received sound very harsh. I'll stick my neck out and say that the rough tone of these replies are based on surprise and for concern for the well-being of another family member and are not meant to be a personal attack.
It is a difficult situation. I was in a relationship with a man who was HIV positive for a short time last year. It was all above board; he told me when we first met. Once that was out, so to speak, we knew where to go with regards to our physical relationship.
Advice? If you've known for the past two years that he's poz then you have, as others have pointed out, taken a very serious chance in engaging in unprotected sex. If you've just recently found out, perhaps a serious talk is in order as to why he didn't inform you and continued to have unprotected sex with you. You may want to reconsider things with this man if this is the case. This is a very serious question and I do hope that he had, in fact, informed you.
If not, or if he didn't and this is somehow ok with you, and you still want to have a physical relationship you have to be scrupulously safe from this day forward. You did not specify whether you are a top or a bottom, but I will assume a top; it would make more sense from the given information. The risk for transmission from a bottom to a top is considerably lower than from a top to a bottom, but regardless you must use a condom at all times. Period. Although oral transmission is considered a "theoretical risk" of transmission by most sources, this does not mean "no risk." The choice of using protection during oral sex is yours; is the very small risk worth it? If you decide so, make sure you have no open sores in your mouth or on your lips, that you've had no recent dental work, and that you don't even brush your teeth before having oral sex. Every effort should be made to reduce any transmission of body fluids other than saliva, sweat, and tears. You should not share razors, either, not that I would think most people would. You should commit to being tested every three months, as well.
This all being said the chance of transmission is low; it is frankly amazing you did not contract it sometime over the past two years. Keep this in mind--if you are "safe", you're chance is low. I am negative, and we were scrupulously safe. I am a volunteer for the local AIDS/HIV organization and I've been through the trainings as well as being an informed gay man. Best of luck to you; I wish you both the very best.
Eck
It is a difficult situation. I was in a relationship with a man who was HIV positive for a short time last year. It was all above board; he told me when we first met. Once that was out, so to speak, we knew where to go with regards to our physical relationship.
Advice? If you've known for the past two years that he's poz then you have, as others have pointed out, taken a very serious chance in engaging in unprotected sex. If you've just recently found out, perhaps a serious talk is in order as to why he didn't inform you and continued to have unprotected sex with you. You may want to reconsider things with this man if this is the case. This is a very serious question and I do hope that he had, in fact, informed you.
If not, or if he didn't and this is somehow ok with you, and you still want to have a physical relationship you have to be scrupulously safe from this day forward. You did not specify whether you are a top or a bottom, but I will assume a top; it would make more sense from the given information. The risk for transmission from a bottom to a top is considerably lower than from a top to a bottom, but regardless you must use a condom at all times. Period. Although oral transmission is considered a "theoretical risk" of transmission by most sources, this does not mean "no risk." The choice of using protection during oral sex is yours; is the very small risk worth it? If you decide so, make sure you have no open sores in your mouth or on your lips, that you've had no recent dental work, and that you don't even brush your teeth before having oral sex. Every effort should be made to reduce any transmission of body fluids other than saliva, sweat, and tears. You should not share razors, either, not that I would think most people would. You should commit to being tested every three months, as well.
This all being said the chance of transmission is low; it is frankly amazing you did not contract it sometime over the past two years. Keep this in mind--if you are "safe", you're chance is low. I am negative, and we were scrupulously safe. I am a volunteer for the local AIDS/HIV organization and I've been through the trainings as well as being an informed gay man. Best of luck to you; I wish you both the very best.
Eck
Eck thanks for a spot on and interesting post.
Just a reminder--we are in a No Flame Zone. Please stay on topic to the question that was asked. Thanks.
Kale4you, I think a lot of people are questioning why you would have unprotected sex with someone you knew was HIV+ when you are negative. Perhaps you could explain that more, and where you're coming from.
I think tonyboy also hit a nail on the head: You avoid the anger of becoming positive in a relationship by protecting yourself.
I'm not sure I understand your post nor questions. Could you explain more what's going on?
Thanks (and welcome too!)
Just a reminder--we are in a No Flame Zone. Please stay on topic to the question that was asked. Thanks.
Kale4you, I think a lot of people are questioning why you would have unprotected sex with someone you knew was HIV+ when you are negative. Perhaps you could explain that more, and where you're coming from.
I think tonyboy also hit a nail on the head: You avoid the anger of becoming positive in a relationship by protecting yourself.
I'm not sure I understand your post nor questions. Could you explain more what's going on?
Thanks (and welcome too!)
Oh dear...
Kiddo, use a condom! There is no reason at all in this circumstance that the two of you should be having sex without one. Just because you've been INCREDIBLY lucky for the past two years, does not mean AT ALL that you will remain lucky. In fact, I can't even believe how lucky you are. I'd expect a bus to go off a cliff and everyone to be uninjured before I'd expect this, even if you're the top in the relationship.
Do you realize just how serious HIV is? This isn't to demean your partner or anyone else with HIV, but they know what they have and they should be aware of what can eventually happen to them enough to know that they don't want to give it to someone they love.
So as to your questions (assuming I understand them): You go to counseling. But I don't see any reason why one should be angry other than being angry at oneself (in your case) for not taking the VERY EASY preventative measures that could have stopped it from happening.
Second question: I don't think there's any way to get through the guilt of giving someone HIV if the only reason why it happened is because neither of you wanted to practice safe sex. Sure, people may contract HIV by accident because the person didn't know they were positive and while they should have had safe sex, it remains a (careless) accident.
But if I were having sex with my partner and the two of us knew that I had HIV and I was not using a condom, I would never forgive myself for 1) giving my partner HIV and 2) not preventing it from happening when it was as easy as rolling something on my cock or his.
Kiddo, use a condom! There is no reason at all in this circumstance that the two of you should be having sex without one. Just because you've been INCREDIBLY lucky for the past two years, does not mean AT ALL that you will remain lucky. In fact, I can't even believe how lucky you are. I'd expect a bus to go off a cliff and everyone to be uninjured before I'd expect this, even if you're the top in the relationship.
Do you realize just how serious HIV is? This isn't to demean your partner or anyone else with HIV, but they know what they have and they should be aware of what can eventually happen to them enough to know that they don't want to give it to someone they love.
So as to your questions (assuming I understand them): You go to counseling. But I don't see any reason why one should be angry other than being angry at oneself (in your case) for not taking the VERY EASY preventative measures that could have stopped it from happening.
Second question: I don't think there's any way to get through the guilt of giving someone HIV if the only reason why it happened is because neither of you wanted to practice safe sex. Sure, people may contract HIV by accident because the person didn't know they were positive and while they should have had safe sex, it remains a (careless) accident.
But if I were having sex with my partner and the two of us knew that I had HIV and I was not using a condom, I would never forgive myself for 1) giving my partner HIV and 2) not preventing it from happening when it was as easy as rolling something on my cock or his.
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Apologies; got carried away there and missed the actual question! The emotion I feel for the man I spoke of is still there and always will be.
Guilt. Let me just say that, in the months since our parting ways--initiated by him--I've come to find out that he was worried, despite our safe interaction, that he would infect me and that is why he chose to end our relationship. Painful, yes, but he chose to do this because he's a stand-up guy and didn't want to risk my life and couldn't bear the thought of having to live with the knowledge--and guilt, even though I chose to accept the small risk involved--of possibly infecting me. He chose the high road and I respect him for it and will follow the same road, too. What would have happened had I turned up positive? Would I be angry, or would I realize that it was responsibility, my choice?
Something to think about.
Once again, best of luck.
Guilt. Let me just say that, in the months since our parting ways--initiated by him--I've come to find out that he was worried, despite our safe interaction, that he would infect me and that is why he chose to end our relationship. Painful, yes, but he chose to do this because he's a stand-up guy and didn't want to risk my life and couldn't bear the thought of having to live with the knowledge--and guilt, even though I chose to accept the small risk involved--of possibly infecting me. He chose the high road and I respect him for it and will follow the same road, too. What would have happened had I turned up positive? Would I be angry, or would I realize that it was responsibility, my choice?
Something to think about.
Once again, best of luck.
I cannot understand how your partner allows you to have unprotected sex with him, if he truly loves you.
Put on a condom.
edit- I'm also having trouble coming to terms with why you'd make such a decision. Can you tell us why you've decided to have unprotected sex?
Put on a condom.
edit- I'm also having trouble coming to terms with why you'd make such a decision. Can you tell us why you've decided to have unprotected sex?
luminum said:
And you know better than most that the risk of getting HIV from making out and oral sex if there are no cuts is less than from being the top during anal intercourse.
Because generally, saying that he's had unprotected sex implies anal sex. It's not definite, obviously, but usually, people who come onto this board asking about whether their sexual practices were risky will say if they've only been having oral sex.
Reassuring about what? That he's having unprotected sex with his HIV+ partner over and over again and exposing himself to repeated risk as opposed to someone who had a one-time careless encounter and a lower risk experience being a recipient?
And yes, 6.5x is greater than x.
What do you want? Would you rather that everyone leave so that you can give your advice alone? Or are you just here to sift through everyone elses' advice and nitpick and criticize? The first post you made in this thread was just to criticize everyone else for being alarmed at his repeated unprotected sexual practices, yet you made no statements to correct us and tell HIM what you think in your experience what he should and should not be concerned about.
Instead, you waste it riffling through and throwing percentages at me, which I am already quite aware of. So why don't you tell him what you think? What IS your advice? I'm sure he'd like to know. It IS his thread. Tell him what the rest of us must not be telling him.
Reassuring about what? That he's having unprotected sex with his HIV+ partner over and over again and exposing himself to repeated risk as opposed to someone who had a one-time careless encounter and a lower risk experience being a recipient?
And yes, 6.5x is greater than x.
What do you want? Would you rather that everyone leave so that you can give your advice alone? Or are you just here to sift through everyone elses' advice and nitpick and criticize? The first post you made in this thread was just to criticize everyone else for being alarmed at his repeated unprotected sexual practices, yet you made no statements to correct us and tell HIM what you think in your experience what he should and should not be concerned about.
Instead, you waste it riffling through and throwing percentages at me, which I am already quite aware of. So why don't you tell him what you think? What IS your advice? I'm sure he'd like to know. It IS his thread. Tell him what the rest of us must not be telling him.
Oh fine. You've got a point. We don't know that he's having anal sex.
So let's focus on the fact that he's having repeated unprotected sex with his partner, who he knows is HIV+ and how based on his questions, he's gearing up to eventually receive it or believes that it's very likely that he'll contract it.
Kalel4you, whether or not you're having anal or oral sex, it doesn't appear to be a good practice to continue having unprotected sex with your partner again and again. So why not use a condom? That way, neither of you has to deal with the anger of becoming HIV+ during a relationship or feeling guilty for getting your partner infected with HIV. Why deal with things you can prevent, right?
So let's focus on the fact that he's having repeated unprotected sex with his partner, who he knows is HIV+ and how based on his questions, he's gearing up to eventually receive it or believes that it's very likely that he'll contract it.
Kalel4you, whether or not you're having anal or oral sex, it doesn't appear to be a good practice to continue having unprotected sex with your partner again and again. So why not use a condom? That way, neither of you has to deal with the anger of becoming HIV+ during a relationship or feeling guilty for getting your partner infected with HIV. Why deal with things you can prevent, right?
Hi kalel4you.
I have an idea of what you must be going through, having experienced it first hand. It must be a huge relief to you that you are still HIV-.
I'm guessing that your partner has only now found out himself that he is HIV+ and is in the middle of his own crisis. If my interpretation is correct, it's going to be tough on you.
We were only several months into the relationship when my partner decided to get tested and found out that he was HIV+. Unlike you, we never engaged in unprotected sex, but even so there is a chance of transmission and I was nervous about getting tested. I still remember the smile and relief on the HIV+ counsellors face when she told me that it was ok.
I stayed with my partner for another 4 months. I won't go into the detail of all the drama and fears and pressures, except to say that it became too much for me (feel free to ask). Ultimately I stayed more from a sense of responsibility than anything else and that's not the basis of a relationship.
If the two of you love each other, then you can get through this together. If the feelings have gone, then give him your support as much as possible, but don't put yourself at risk only out of a sense of obligation.
I have an idea of what you must be going through, having experienced it first hand. It must be a huge relief to you that you are still HIV-.
I'm guessing that your partner has only now found out himself that he is HIV+ and is in the middle of his own crisis. If my interpretation is correct, it's going to be tough on you.
We were only several months into the relationship when my partner decided to get tested and found out that he was HIV+. Unlike you, we never engaged in unprotected sex, but even so there is a chance of transmission and I was nervous about getting tested. I still remember the smile and relief on the HIV+ counsellors face when she told me that it was ok.
I stayed with my partner for another 4 months. I won't go into the detail of all the drama and fears and pressures, except to say that it became too much for me (feel free to ask). Ultimately I stayed more from a sense of responsibility than anything else and that's not the basis of a relationship.
If the two of you love each other, then you can get through this together. If the feelings have gone, then give him your support as much as possible, but don't put yourself at risk only out of a sense of obligation.
The original post in this thread is the posters second post at JUB. His first (introductory) post gives some further insight here:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2305465&postcount=1
To quote, he says: (bold is mine)
Hello my name is kalel and my partner and I are here and looking in many other places for answers to many questions we have due to being tested a few months ago and finding out one of us is HIV+. We continue our relationship as no hill is to hard to climb. Ok I'm not good with wording...In all we are hoping to talk with others that have been or are in the same place as we are..
Hopefully this additional info will help people give a more appropriate response to his question.
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showpost.php?p=2305465&postcount=1
To quote, he says: (bold is mine)
Hello my name is kalel and my partner and I are here and looking in many other places for answers to many questions we have due to being tested a few months ago and finding out one of us is HIV+. We continue our relationship as no hill is to hard to climb. Ok I'm not good with wording...In all we are hoping to talk with others that have been or are in the same place as we are..
Hopefully this additional info will help people give a more appropriate response to his question.
oz_doc
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Guys i think you may have come on a bit heavy with very limited info, my first thought upon reading the OP was that his partner has recently been diagnosed as HIV positive and he is concerned because for two years before they knew they were having unprotected sex, still risky but far more reasonable than many of the previously assumed scenarios. Again, this was just my initial thought, please be incredibly careful of the way in which we frame responses, upsetting kalel and driving him from the board help neither him nor us in providing an understanding ear and sound advice.
So I guess the most important thing is kalel, welcome to the board and so we can discuss your situation a little bit better and if your comfortable could you please just give us a little more info on exactly what the progress of your relationship, and HIV status has been.
Hope we can help you during this difficult time.
So I guess the most important thing is kalel, welcome to the board and so we can discuss your situation a little bit better and if your comfortable could you please just give us a little more info on exactly what the progress of your relationship, and HIV status has been.
Hope we can help you during this difficult time.
If the case is that you recently found out, then I apologize for my reaction to your post.
To answer your questions...first, you guys should adopt safer sex practices.
Second, you're both going through a tough time coping with the contraction, so I would suggest counciling. I'm sure there are many services around (best way to find out about them may be at medical centers or local LGBT service buildings).
In the end, HIV isn't an immediate death sentence. You can still have a long life with HIV, and it requires some careful lifestyle changes.
But again, I think seeing someone who can help the two of you out--being the with HIV+ partner and being the HIV- partner. A professional will probably also understand all aspects of the relationship, from living your lives together and your intimate lives.
To answer your questions...first, you guys should adopt safer sex practices.
Second, you're both going through a tough time coping with the contraction, so I would suggest counciling. I'm sure there are many services around (best way to find out about them may be at medical centers or local LGBT service buildings).
In the end, HIV isn't an immediate death sentence. You can still have a long life with HIV, and it requires some careful lifestyle changes.
But again, I think seeing someone who can help the two of you out--being the with HIV+ partner and being the HIV- partner. A professional will probably also understand all aspects of the relationship, from living your lives together and your intimate lives.