Shared living situations / being gay

[saymyname]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread, but I suppose it does fall under the category of 'relationships' in a way.

I would just like to get some discussion going with other guys about your living situation(s)/experiences, especially to other people in their late teens/early to mid twenties or so, who live in big cities (let's say, over a million people). Please share your experience and also your advice, things you've come to realize or notice with being involved in more living situations.

So here's my story.

I moved from a small town to a metropolis when I was 19 with my best friend. We didn't really work well as roommates: he was introverted, I'm an extrovert, he didn't need casual conversation to feel friendly towards someone, I did, etc. Overall, it just didn't work out as a roommate thing, so after my first year in the city, I moved in with some people I met from school. This was more of a queer radical anarchist punkish kind of atmosphere. I'm into some of that kind of stuff, so I thought it would be okay, and for a while it was. It was just me and 2 other people, with a lot of friends staying or visiting for a week or two here and there. Overall, it went really well, but as I started to change so did my situation with them. Basically, the vibe in the apartment got too heavy. One person was straight-edge, one as in AA and on welfare and constantly talking about it, they were basically always talking about their issues and Foucault and oppression and patriarchy. I couldn't stand it. We were all friends so it was hard to avoid. Neither of them ever got laid, I got laid all the time, neither of them party, I do. We started to resent each other for these reasons, along with the general idea that they were trying to create a more politically conscious atmosphere that I was down for at first but gradually shifted away from. They were constantly referring to the apartment as a "space" in that very conceptual way. They decided that I wasn't contributing to the "space" and suggested I move out, so I did.

So all of this really has me thinking about what's best for me and what kind of people I should live with. I've always tended towards bohemian/artist/queer types, but I'm finding that the danger with that (as in my 2nd experience) is that sometimes those people are a little crazy.

Right now, I'm living with 3 other people in a big apartment who all, except for one, seem pretty okay. I knew one of them before I moved in. It's not NEARLY as social and open as my last place, there are definitely roommate boundaries, but it's only a summer sublet until September. I might have the option of staying but I don't think I'm going to. In one way, I like the fact that I hardly see any of them because it means we won't start hanging out too much and it won't end up like my last situation. In another way it just feels awkward and like I'm living with total strangers. There's also little things about the apartment that annoy me, so yeah, I don't want to stay here.

So what do you all think? Is it best to live with people you are friends with, and roommates? Best to have the situation where everyone pretty much stays in their rooms all the time? Is it possible to find people I can relate to and be friends with without it ending up being too intense and them talking to me about their issues all the time? Where does that balance lie between cool cultural/art oriented gay boys and strung-out queer activist who should get a therapist?

I am thinking maybe part of the problem is that I move into places where there is already an established situation. I'm really considering looking for new people - strangers - having coffee with them and talking about our ideal living situation, and eventually finding a place with a new lease that we could all move into together, that way things have started fresh and I don't feel like I'm going into something that's already begun.

I don't want to be best friends with my roommates, but I don't want to never talk to them either: unless the latter is an agreed upon notion, and even then, I still think it's awkward.

I know these are a lot of questions, and no, I cannot afford to live alone.

Edit - OH, and also, I shouldn't forget another aspect of this: AGE! I'm 21, it seems like when I live with older people, they are definitely less friendly and less willing to treat you as anything more than a stranger. Also, they're kind of way more clean than people in their early 20's, and they have more baggage but, I suppose, they keep it to themselves where as younger people talk about it a lot.

 

[G-Lexington]

I think it all depends on what you want or expect out of it. For instance, for about a year, I shared a house with two (male) truckers and a born-again Christian woman. And that worked just fine with me. No, I never got "buddy-buddy" with any of them, but we would chat when we ran into each other at home. It wasn't a forced sort of "you stay in your area, and I stay in mine" sort of thing. We just didn't have that much in common, so we'd only talk when we wanted to. And that was totally fine.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Hmmm

The last thing anyone needs is 'space' as an existential concept. It is so hokey. So avoid the affected, world weary politicized roomies at all costs.

The best arrangements are those where the people sharing a place enjoy the company of others and where there is a stated rule of 'no dramas/no divas' and a clearly understood concept of 'clean up your own fucking mess' and an appreciation of how a community is supposed to work.

 

[slickery]

I've always had extreme luck living with strangers because you start off on sort of a clean slate and your relationships are born of something completely new.

I've lived with people who turned into my best friends, and I've lived with people that were my best friends at home, but who I would never hang out with outside o the home. It's all random. Plus living with strangers also helps your social and independence skills.

 

[saymyname]

Perhaps this thread could be moved to the Hot Topics section instead?

 

[rareboy]

Why?

You got some advice. Is there a particular answer you'd like someone to give? Just tell us and we'll oblige.

 

[Eagle653]

You seem very insightful about yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses as well as your likes and dislikes. In fact, you have yourself so well pegged that I was surprised that you were asking for the advice/feedback that you were.

It's nearly impossible for anyone here to pick the right living arrangement for you. We all have carved out our own living histories based on our needs and personalities, and a few of us have learned the hard way, through mistakes, of situations to avoid in the future. You've learned that as well.

Know, though, that you're a "moving target" of sorts and this may be what's confusing. You're 21 and changing rapidlly through maturation. What works for you now, or this summer, may not work for you a year from now. You're not set in your ways as older people are--you're changing and evolving. As you probably know, what stimulates you now, makes you laugh now, and makes you comfortable now, may be old hat and boring in a year or two.

You're smart enough to land in a living situation that feels good now. Since you're changing, that same living situation will lose its luster after a while and you'll seek change. That's fine--and natural. Just know it will happen and don't be disappointed and let down when it does. Evolve into another situation until you settle in for the long haul...either with a group, a partner, or alone.

Good luck to you.

 

[saymyname]

Why?

You got some advice. Is there a particular answer you'd like someone to give? Just tell us and we'll oblige.

Well, I wanted more feedback about people's own personal experiences, and musings on such. The Hot Topics board is really popular and I didn't realize people talk about anything as random as their roommates, so I think it would help.