Should I come out or not?

[curboi321]

I've been "friends" with this guy I met over a year ago and though weve only hung out like five times in total, we still text each other over the phone almost every week. He's a good guy whose smart and funny, and handsome (when he wants to be lol) but I feel like there is an awkward block between us, mostly b/c we don't hang out that much even though we live only 8miles away from each other and we don't really have that much in common except one thing. I think were both curious about being with another guy.

I say this because we both like joking around with each other over text which eventually leads to us making gay jokes back and forth. I mean sometimes the jokes get really freaky like I call him my bitch and how he looks like he would be a good fuckee instead of a fucker lol and he comes back with something like "I bet you wanna be fucked". We always joke about how big or small the other guys dick is and other random shit, but sometimes he randomly gets upset and starts trying to make me feel bad like "well you may like putting dick in ur mouth and ass but that's ur problem not mine so stop trying to make me gay" though recently HE'S been the one who continues to make gay jokes like today for example when I told him I gained about 20 lbs of muscle from working out and he texts me back "I bet it's butt muscle".

When we do hang out together we have "awkward moments" like when I just touch him on the shoulder and he starts acting all shy and looks down to the ground but he doesn't tell me to stop or anything, and on our first "man date" we went to see avatar which sucked imo and afterwards I go in to give him a bro hug and he literally dogdes it and starts walking away faster than usual saying he'll see me later.

He's told me that all his life he's had to be strong and ruff because if he didn't want ppl to think that he's weak, but I told him I see right through his facade he puts on and I don't think that he is "weak" which is probably the reason he feels comfortable enough to joke with me about gay stuff, but then he goes back into "warrior mode" as I call it and he gets all defense and shit. Sometime he says things that make me so upset that I just want to stop hanging out with him and texting him all together but then he acts all pitiful and sends me a text saying "I'm sorry" and I pathetically take him back since I feel like I know what he's going through and I know he's afraid to even admit he may be attracted to another guy though I told him that I wouldn't care if he was gay or bi.

I want to tell him that I'm attracted to guys but I'm afraid to tell him because were both not getting any right now and I'm at least 80% sure that he would come out to me and something may happen between us that may make our friendship worse. I don't even want to have sex with him but if he was to make a move on me I don't know if I would say no. And to make it worse he currently has a girlfriend and even though he rarely talks about her if anything was to happen between us I would feel bad b/c she would be in the middle and I would feel like I really did make him come out of the closet or something. Well we are suppose to be taking a trip to arizona next week to deal with a car situation and it will probably be just us two and I want to tell him already and get it over with but I don't think I should for the reasons stated above. What should I do?

 

[Reality101]

I think you should tell him. If you don't want to mess around with him then don't. Hold firm to that along with your morals and your character. Coming out to him could really help him and it might unstick your friendship--what you guys have going on sounds very stuck to me. Be honest with him and honest with yourself. When I say honest with yourself, I mean that you should really analyze your motives behind coming out to him.

 

[turnandburn]

You know he could be thinking the same thing about you. Maybe the reason he gets all defensive is because he is embarrassed that your might find out he is curious about guys. I'd say find the right moment to ask him or ask him out for drinks and ask him then. Nothing better than a little liquid confidence couldn't hurt...

 

[Reality101]

^^I wouldn't suggest asking him if he is bi especially if he is defensive. I think that you should show the courage that he is struggling with... as a friend and nothing more. And liquid confidence can be good but try to avoid losing so much of your inhibition that you find yourself striping his clothes off and making out on the carpet. That's a hot scenario but not what you're going for. Right?

 

[curboi321]

Just a few moments ago he "mistakenly" sent me a text that was ment for someone else and when i texted him back he told me to stop jacking off and said good nite sweet heart He's never done that before this is crazy!

 

[turnandburn]

^^I wouldn't suggest asking him if he is bi especially if he is defensive. I think that you should show the courage that he is struggling with... as a friend and nothing more. And liquid confidence can be good but try to avoid losing so much of your inhibition that you find yourself striping his clothes off and making out on the carpet. That's a hot scenario but not what you're going for. Right?

Yes don't get plastered! Happened to me once and it went a little further than I wanted. but yes if he is defensive I wouldn't ask him but maybe bring it up about yourself in a conversation. That way he doesnt feel cornered.

 

[curboi321]

But what if I'm wrong? What if he doesn't have any feelings for me or any other guys and I expose myself to him only to get burned in the process? Our friendship is already on shaky ground and I feel like he is afraid to hang out with me either because he is afraid of what he will do around me or because we just don't have that much in common and if I get all "serious" with him it could make things worse.

 

[turnandburn]

If you feel that way then its probably best to wait until your friendship has "warmed" up a little.

 

[curboi321]

If you feel that way then its probably best to wait until your friendship has "warmed" up a little.

I think you should tell him. If you don't want to mess around with him then don't. Hold firm to that along with your morals and your character. Coming out to him could really help him and it might unstick your friendship--what you guys have going on sounds very stuck to me. Be honest with him and honest with yourself. When I say honest with yourself, I mean that you should really analyze your motives behind coming out to him.

I feel now more and more that it would be best to tell him so that maybe it will make our friendship stronger which is what I want. I need someone to talk to and if he is going through the same thing I am then maybe we can be each others outlet. I keep playing out how it will go in my head but the scenario that I play the most is I come out to him and he doesn't return the favor. I just want him to feel that he can trust me and want to open up to me on his own and not feel forced to.

 

[Reality101]

I feel now more and more that it would be best to tell him so that maybe it will make our friendship stronger which is what I want. I need someone to talk to and if he is going through the same thing I am then maybe we can be each others outlet. I keep playing out how it will go in my head but the scenario that I play the most is I come out to him and he doesn't return the favor. I just want him to feel that he can trust me and want to open up to me on his own and not feel forced to.

Be prepared for him to not return the favor. By coming out to him you will have opened the door to honesty and talking about the elephant in the room as opposed to dancing around it. Good for you. However, if he isn't ready to walk through that door and look at that elephant then that is on him. You did your part as his friend and you are helping yourself grow as well. Tell him.

Also, maybe he isn't bi/gay but you should tell him anyhow because it might bring you closer and it is something that you really want to do.

 

[curboi321]

Be prepared for him to not return the favor. By coming out to him you will have opened the door to honesty and talking about the elephant in the room as opposed to dancing around it. Good for you. However, if he isn't ready to walk through that door and look at that elephant then that is on him. You did your part as his friend and you are helping yourself grow as well. Tell him.

Also, maybe he isn't bi/gay but you should tell him anyhow because it might bring you closer and it is something that you really want to do.

Thanks for the reply. If we both go to Arizona next week I'll tell him then and hopefully it won't blow up in my face. I don't think he will try making fun of me and be an asshole (intentionally) but I wouldn't put it pass him. I just hope I'm not making a mistake.

 

[curboi321]

UPDATE:

Well I hung out with my friend today, he cut my hair, and we sat watched tv, and worked out a little bit in his garage which was a little bit "interesting" but the reason for this post is to find out how I can become closer to him on a friendship level. While we were hanging out he called one of his friends (a guy I talked to at a party who said they knew each other for about 9yrs now) and when they finished talking my friend said "bye i love you".

For some reason that just went straight to my core b/c weve been friends now for a yr but he's never said that to me or even told me he likes me, he never calls me up we just text on the phone, and though I feel like now were getting closer (hanging out me). I still feel like we aren't at that level yet and I know it'll probably take time but I'm a very impatient person!

I went to a party that he invited me to and he was very "touchy" with all of his other male friends but he's afraid to even give me a hug even when we shake hands its awkward. I just want to know what I can do so that our friendship won't feel "forced" to me anymore, help?

 

[Lube]

Reality101's advice still holds.

 

[curboi321]

i want to just come out and tell him but in all honesty i'm scared, scared that it may cause a bigger drift between us than bring us closer together, scared that he may slip up and joke about it around his friends, scared that nothing will change at all...

 

[Nomenclature]

Be prepared for him to not return the favor. By coming out to him you will have opened the door to honesty and talking about the elephant in the room as opposed to dancing around it. Good for you. However, if he isn't ready to walk through that door and look at that elephant then that is on him. You did your part as his friend and you are helping yourself grow as well. Tell him.

Also, maybe he isn't bi/gay but you should tell him anyhow because it might bring you closer and it is something that you really want to do.

I remember when my friend found out I was gay. He confronted me about it and said "I won't judge you", but things were very awkward and he avoided talking to me for over a year. I then stumbled upon his profile on a gay myspace-clone and, sure enough, he was actually gay the entire time I knew him, but "wasn't ready for anyone to know" until he moved away from home. I told him he was a bastard for doing that to me, but I understood.


Now, i'm not necessarily saying your friend is gay, but my personal experience strengthens Reality101's point: If a guy is in the closet and not ready to come out, there's a good chance that he will NOT come out to you. . .even if you tell him you're gay.

i want to just come out and tell him but in all honesty i'm scared, scared that it may cause a bigger drift between us than bring us closer together, scared that he may slip up and joke about it around his friends, scared that nothing will change at all...

Just don't come out to him anytime soon, then; It doesn't sound like it's going to go in the direction you want it to, anyway.

 

[rareboy]

I want to tell him that I'm attracted to guys but I'm afraid to tell him because were both not getting any right now and I'm at least 80% sure that he would come out to me and something may happen between us that may make our friendship worse. I don't even want to have sex with him but if he was to make a move on me I don't know if I would say no. And to make it worse he currently has a girlfriend and even though he rarely talks about her if anything was to happen between us I would feel bad b/c she would be in the middle and I would feel like I really did make him come out of the closet or something. Well we are suppose to be taking a trip to arizona next week to deal with a car situation and it will probably be just us two and I want to tell him already and get it over with but I don't think I should for the reasons stated above. What should I do?

Just do it. Tell him you're a homo for heaven's sakes. But that he doesn't have to worry. You're not hunting him down like game.

I think nothing is going to happen. Except your 'friend' is likely to have his instincts confirmed and will likely going running for the hills.

He has a girlfriend.

You've hung out six times over a year.

He doesn't say 'I love you'.

He isn't physically close to you like his other guy friends.

You're basing a whole fantasy romance on some txt nonsense.

Sigh.

Get out there. Meet other guys. Ones you would like to fuck with.

Because at the moment the only thing you're fucking with is your own head.

 

[Lube]

i want to just come out and tell him but in all honesty i'm scared, scared that it may cause a bigger drift between us than bring us closer together, scared that he may slip up and joke about it around his friends, scared that nothing will change at all...

As Lex often correctly points out, keeping the fantasy alive is more important to you than actually finding out the truth.

That's messed up, in my opinion.

 

[curboi321]

As Lex often correctly points out, keeping the fantasy alive is more important to you than actually finding out the truth.

That's messed up, in my opinion.

I'm not trying to keep some fantasy going on I actually want a friendship with this dude he's one of the only friends I have out here and when we do actually hang out we get more and more closer. I just don't want to screw things up before they even get started.

 

[Lube]

Who needs a friend who won't accept you for who you are?

 

[CertainBeing]

How's it going curboi321? I have found this "history" interesting, that's why I'm asking.
If you want my advice anyway... I support this what rareboy said. You're messing your mind, exaggerate for instance the text messages. I had a similar situation in my own life. My friend from highschool had a girlfriend. He barely said anything about her. She was like a ghost. He was joking about gay stuff with everyone for years. I was pretty sure that he was trying to make a connection between me and him, but now I clearly see that he's straight as hell .