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Should I come out to friends?

H

Hmmm84

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Hi everyone!

Sorry for the long post.

I'm a Cypriot from Nicosia in my early 20s. I don't have many friends at all here. My best 2 friends are male and we've been friends since highschool.

I've been through the army, gone away to study for 4 years (best time of my life) and now i'm back. I believe I am as straight looking/acting as possible but I do believe it is not so hard for someone to tell I'm gay (especially my voice in recordings sounds pretty gay to me).

My friends never mentioned anything about me being gay, I am 99% sure they are straight although they haven't really had much sexual/relationship experience at all, which is strange for our age. I on the other hand have had a girlfriend for about 3 years from highschool till the end of the army period. At the time I knew I liked guys but I also loved her and sexually it was fine. I never told her anything about my fantasies though.

After we broke up on good terms and her still don't knowing about my sexuality, I began my gay life, and it felt great. From then on, I haven't had sexual desires for girls. After a while, I met a guy at university and we got into a relationship which also lasted 3 years and it's still going on, but for the past few months it's been long-distance since I'm back in CY.

So all this time, I have been lying to my 2 friends about my sexuality, switching every male sexual encounter with a female. It was wrong but they were always asking...

Well now I've been thinking of coming out, at least to one of them at first, and also apologise for lying all this time, but I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do. I'm not exactly sure how homophobic they are. They make fun of someone when they see them behaving a bit gay, but I also believe they are not SO close-minded. I would hate to lose them.

What are your thoughts on this. Should I try to find out a bit more about their views on gays first and then decide if it is worth coming out? The only reason I want to do it is of course so that I can feel more free and relaxed, and stop lying to them, because they are my friends and I'm very grateful that they are still there for me after being 4 years away.

Also, if I came out, I am sure I would behave the same way as now, cos thats how I am, and thats how i feel comfortable in social places. I don't like to show that I am gay to everyone.

On an end note, I have never felt or thought anything sexual about my friends, and I'm pretty sure it will stay that way. I believe this is something I should make clear to them if i ever decide to come out.

Waiting for your thoughts...

Thanks for reading through!
 
Welcome to JUB! :wave:

Offhand, it sounds like they'd probably be accepting. If you're worried about them thinking that you're sexually interested in them, you might let them know in terms of your boyfriend. "I'm really missing my boyfriend these days." This might make it more clear where your interest lies. :)

Lex
 
I think you should tell them that you have explored relationships with both women and men but you have been drawn more toward the guy you've been seeing.

While I don't encourage the whole 'I'm bi, but into guys right now' thing, but it might just work in this case to ease them into accepting that you are a homo.

Good luck with telling them.

BTW, I agree with Lex. Let them know that you are not sexually attracted to them and want to keep them as your best friends.
 
Thank you for your replies.

I do agree with you, as I've been with girls as well, it's fair to say i'm bisexual to them.

I need to think of a way to prepare them a bit though. And treat it as if they are quite homophobic although from what i can tell they are not extremely so.
See where they stand and then decide if I should do it in one go or slowly bring it up.
Actually just saying it in one sitting sounds more appropriate and in a way easier - if i can find the courage.

Need some suggestions of how to go about preparing them some for it.
 
When I came out to my first friend, I was e-mailing her about my life and about trivial things that we wouldn't usually talk about. And when it came to my love life, I would just say stuff like "I met someone and its great" try to use impersonal words that wouldn't let slip the sex of my partner. And of course as it came on I would tell her stuff that we did and would confuse her. So one day I just met with her and let her know that my partner was a dude. And she was like.... "Oh now I see, it all makes sense now." I think just throwing it in their faces when they are not expecting anything would be a little more of a shock.

But just before you tell them, let them know that you need to talk to them about something and that it means a lot to you. From what you describe they seem to be real friends and would accept you for who you are.

Good luck and may your friendship grow with no bounds!

Love from jub brothers :)
 
hehe.. Greek is not a language where u can be vague. It's either male or female. I have tried direct translation from english though but they would ask: someone(girl) or someone(guy) :)
I have also described my sexual screen check up once and they wondered why they would get samples from behind for a straight guy. Didn't think of it before telling them. But it was fun describing how scary it felt at the time...:)
 
I wouldn't "ease them into it". Your friends will take a cue from you. If you act nervous about it, and treat it like it's a huge terrible secret, they will, too. But if you treat it like it's no big deal, they most likely won't, either. So just tell them about this guy. "I'm missing my boyfriend. It's tough to keep a long distance relationship going." If they look surprised, just look surprised back. "I thought you knew."

Lex
 
Then it's time to come clean. Just start calling him by his proper gender, and if questioned, say "I was worried what you guys might think if you knew I was dating a guy".

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
Then it's time to come clean. Just start calling him by his proper gender, and if questioned, say "I was worried what you guys might think if you knew I was dating a guy".

Lex
Click to expand...

Thanks but this I find too abrupt. I would like to prepare in more subtle ways and see where it goes and then drop the bomb.

BTW I just talked (in english) on msn with one of them for a few minutes, this is part of it:


Him: i have a terrible headache and i am still at the office, how do u think i am :)

Me: want a head massage? ( I asked that jokingly of course)

Him: not from u

Me: why not ?

Him: i will answer this question some other time when i feel better


And then i said I would remind him the question next time so he can answer it...;)
 
This is a difficult situation because Kypros/Kıbrıs has two cultures that are not known for being particularly open-minded on the subject of homosexuality.

The answer will depend on your friends and what kind of relationship you wish to have with them in the future. You've already said that they're somewhat homophobic and make fun of gay people.

If the point of you telling them is so that you can correct the gender of your partner of 3 years so that your friends can be included in the future that you're going to build with your partner, then- yes, it makes sense to tell them that you are bisexual and you've been in a relationship with a guy for 3 years.

But if your long-term plan is to leave Kypros and join your partner and leave these friends behind in Lefkosa, then little is served from coming out to them. I suspect that if they really wanted to know the truth, they probably would have asked before now.
 
I would really like to be truthful to them, I wish I was so from much earlier but I wasn't very comfortable with myself / didn't have much experience with guys back then.

Even if I leave Cyprus I would still keep in touch as much as possible so I don't think it matters that much.

The thing is, sometimes I ask gay/bi aquaintances whether I look or sound gay. I realise the best thing is to ask someone who is straight and doesn't know about my sexuality but that hasn't happened. I am attractive to many girls so I don't think it is so obvious to people, although half of the gays I've asked said yes I look/sound gay and half said I don't. All of the ones who said yes wouldn't or couldn't explain why....

Moreover, these 2 male friends, along with another one, secretely creeped in a hotel room during a school trip some years ago, and saw me have sex with my gf, so I doubt they would have second thoughts on me being straight...
 
BTW I hope at least one of them comes to JUB and reads this. He would know it's me...
 
Whatever.

The one thing I recommend is that you don't do coy flirty things with them before they know you're a homo.

It will make them really pissed when they find out and they'll drop you fast.

Just man up. Tell them.

If they drop you so what?
 
Had an argument with bf a while ago about something irrelevant:(

I decided and just texted my friend a long message that I had something important and private to tell him about me, but that he should remind me after the birthday of the second friend coming soon and not ask me anything about it before. I said it could wait. ( He might guess what it's about though)

My bf behaved like a jerk today on msn. I think the long-distance won't last much longer. I'm so sad...
 
Hmmm84 said:
My bf behaved like a jerk today on msn. I think the long-distance won't last much longer. I'm so sad...
Click to expand...

Perhaps this is what you should be focusing on at the moment.
 
My friend earlier:
'u should feel free to tell me no matter what; that's why friends are for anyway'

:) I'm telling him this weekend
 
It was great! Difficult to say things face to face but done and over with. Can't wait to talk to him again...
 
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