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Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the getgo?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Michael Luc
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Michael Luc

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Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Is that an option? Can you make new friends that fast?

He was just acting macho in front of la dame.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

There is a way of coming out without, well, coming out. Just start being out.

Stop changing the him/her, s/he to fit the conversation.

Just start being you. When most see you've no problem with it, they most likely will not also.

As for your friend in question, he may not realise that it offends or disturbs you. I have been surprised how many people I've known who have made comments like that, only to genuinely not mean them upon finding out I'm gay.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Rainmaker said:
Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the getgo?
Click to expand...

Both, sounds like a good idea. ..|
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Don't if you are not sure or still ambivalent about outing yourself to this man.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Both would be ideal. Nonetheless I can definitely relate with what your going through. My coming out has been ever so quiet and gradual because I've been fearful of my friends' reactions. Whether you should tell your current friends or not is tricky. That depends on alot of factors, mostly how you feel about them. About being out to new friends...sure, why not? At least if they don't like it then you haven't invested so much in the friendship. The one thing I wish I could've done differently is made all of my friends while being honest and real about myself in the beginning.

Some things to consider: How much do you value this friendship? Is it important that this friend knows? Is he/she worth your time?
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Why would it be important to come out to the guy, who might be your friend but, who is making all those unwelcome remarks?

Friends or no friends, he does, whatever he does in his bedroom, rite? Why wouldn't you be doing the same? It is not like you need his approval, permission or anything.

In more ways than one, the ever-so-popular coming out is often completely meaningless.

The guys, who need to know, because you mess around with them, know anyway.

The guys, who you do not mess around with, may be told, but they do not know, what to do with that knowledge.

(The popular argument that you'll find more partners, because everyone knows, you are gay, is doubtful in the very least, too. You do not go with people, because they are gay. You want to be with them because you find them attractive.)

Coming out to someone, if purely informative is problematic in the very least.

Why would they really care, unless they are involved themselves?

And why would you really care, unless you are seeking their approval?

Think it over. Just because there is this overwhelming propaganda requiring that people 'come out', this still does not mean that the whole thing makes really any sense at all...

SC
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

If his behaviour or comments offend you, tell him. From his reaction you'll know:

a) whether or not he's truly homophobic

and

b) whether or not you still want him to be your friend

Whether or not you actually "come out" in the process is another issue.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Coming out should have nothing to do with getting more men- that's merely an interesting side effect.

You're not some commodity... and if you are, I'm sure you have better and more unique things to advertise than your sexual orientation.

Coming out to platonic acquaintances gives you a right that you are entailed to- the right to have friends who don't knowingly or unknowingly bash a part of who you are. You have the right to carve yourself a homophobia-free environment. Coming out forces people to open up their minds and shut their mouths, and for those that are incapable, coming out rightfully drives them away, out of your life.

There is a difference between not saying what doesn't need to be said, and letting people know when they're offending you.

Not only would you be carving your own personal world, but you would be carving the world as a whole. The mere presence of a gay person is a threat to homophobia. Each publicly gay person, living normally in society, I truly believe helps at least one other closeted homosexual come to terms with their reality. If that keeps up, eventually, it truly WON'T need to be said... no-one will care, except for sexual purposes.

My advice is, come out... not because it's the 'popular' thing to do for gay men... but because it is the RIGHT thing to do- for you, and for your world.

In fact, that might be a decent way to come out... "hey... could you cut down on comments like that? I didn't think I'd have to bring it up, but I'm gay, and that kind of talk makes me a little uneasy."

But there are many, many threads on how to come out, if you choose to do so.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

This question seems kinda calculated. I'm not sure that's how friendship should work. I always thought the best way to handle it was to come out, and keep the old friends that were still worth it, and then be out and make new friends. Friends provide support, and there's no need to come out with no support at all.

As for this one guy in particular, it depends on how much you care about his friendship. If he's a good friend, I think you should at least give him a chance. He might surprise you, or he might disappoint you. But unless you let him, you'll never know. On the other hand, if you're not that close to him, then you may want to ditch him and avoid the bother. I don't think anyone else can tell you how to feel about your friends.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

I had a very close group of friends growing up and as I began to go to gay clubs I distanced myself from them. I had my straight friends who didn't know and I had my gay friends who I suddenly began hanging out with evey weekend. One of my best freinds began resenting me because I wasn't around anymore. Looking back I realize that I hurt him by suddenly dropping him (or so it seemed). If only I would have confided in him, maybe he would have come to the gay club with me and our friendship would have lasted longer. If these friends mean something to you I think you should tell them the truth. You can tell them that there are benefits to hanging out with gay friends because there are always girls around and you can pass the pussy on to him. Tell them that you considered keeping this from them but realized that they were more important to you than that. By the way my straight friend passed away and I'll never be able to tell him.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

SilverRRCloud said:
Why would it be important to come out to the guy, who might be your friend but, who is making all those unwelcome remarks?

Friends or no friends, he does, whatever he does in his bedroom, rite? Why wouldn't you be doing the same? It is not like you need his approval, permission or anything.

In more ways than one, the ever-so-popular coming out is often completely meaningless.

The guys, who need to know, because you mess around with them, know anyway.

The guys, who you do not mess around with, may be told, but they do not know, what to do with that knowledge.

(The popular argument that you'll find more partners, because everyone knows, you are gay, is doubtful in the very least, too. You do not go with people, because they are gay. You want to be with them because you find them attractive.)

Coming out to someone, if purely informative is problematic in the very least.

Why would they really care, unless they are involved themselves?

And why would you really care, unless you are seeking their approval?

Think it over. Just because there is this overwhelming propaganda requiring that people 'come out', this still does not mean that the whole thing makes really any sense at all...

SC
Click to expand...

your argument makes complete sense and is the same argument most gay men bring up. However, it isn't practical. In the ideal world -- nobody would care about others sexual preferences because it doesn't affect them...however, we live in the real world. People are nosey, rude, and judgemental. They care for whatever reason and they will hold it against you.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

You could talk to him about it. A friend of mine always makes stupid comments like that, and when I finally confronted him about it he said that he makes those comments, not because he believes them but that he's trying to make them meaningless. He believes that saying homophobic things so often will destroy what meaning those comments have.

I don't agree with him, but at least I know that he doesn't mean them to be hurtful. Oh, and I haven't come out to him yet or anything.

So, what your friend is saying may or may not align with what he truly believes. I would ask him about it first, especially if he is a friend you want to keep being friends with.

Otherwise, I would probably spend more time with other people. Though I hear that some people change their feelings after they find out someone they know is gay/bi.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Do what you feel is right.
Most of my friends know I'm bi, I actually only had to tell two of them and within a week it was common knowledge amongst 90% of my mates.

The only people who don't know are old friends I don't see very often as it's not something that has ever come up.

I don't define myself by my sexuality and don't feel the need to tell people my sexual preference just to do the accepted thing and "come out". If I start dating a guy then people find out that way, it's not a big deal.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

I'd say not coming out to your good friends because you're worried you'll lose them and you've invested so much in them is flawed. Friendships work both ways. If you're ina friendship where something as simple as your sexuality would cause them to get rid of you, then they wouldn't be as invested as you were.

So tell them. If you lose them, it sucks, but you have to assume that they're giving up just as muhc as you. If they don't care, then you all win. And if they're unsure, it gives you guys an opportunity to become closer through understanding. New friends are important, but I can't fathom hiding a part of who I am from those I consider close to me.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

You have to understand you are ot obligate to tell him. If you the fcat seem to endanger the relation you want, then you shouldn't tell him.
 
Re: Should I come out to my friends, or just make new friends and BE out from the get

Oh for heaven's sakes. Why do people always worry more about losing something of no value? I don't expect my friends to agree with everything I do or say, but I do require them to be respectful of everyone else. The bigots and the phobes got ditched years ago.

Yes, get new friends. Don't even bother coming out to the kind of losers who get grossed out by seeing two guys together. You can do better.
 
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