Should I come out?

[FishBook]

I'm a bisexual guy in my early twenties. The thing is, no one knows that I'm bisexual, outside of the guy I hooked up with a few times in the past, and I found him anonymously online so as to be discreet as possible. I have a great and loving relationship with my girlfriend, whom I've been with for a while now. We love each other a lot (and have great sex). She doesn't know that I'm bi, nor do my family or friends.

Here's the thing, though: I'm definitely bisexual, and I've come to terms with that and accept it completely. However, I'm not bi-romantic, or however you want to put it; that is, I have no interest in being in relationships with guy, falling in love with guys, etc. Sex with men is a purely sexual thing for me. So, whereas when my girlfriend and I have sex, it's so much more than that for both of us, when I have had gay sex, it was purely sexual. I just wanted to have fun, hang out, and get off.

So the issue becomes, because I don't ever plan on being in a relationship with a man, who do I really need to tell? The way I see it, I should probably tell my girlfriend because as my sexual partner, I want to let her in on a big part of my sexuality, even if gay sex isn't necessarily something we can do together. Now, ideally, I would tell her about my sexuality, and how sex with men is just sex to me, and she would say, "OK, FishBook! If it's just sex to you, then you can go out and fuck all the men you want as long as you stay protected and still have great sex with me." I'm not an idiot, though, and I know that she probably (almost definitely) wouldn't react this way, nor necessarily should she. It would, after all, be cheating. Even if I would know that hookups with men would mean nothing to me emotionally, she would definitely have the right to feel jealous. I do think that she would be accepting of my bisexuality; I just don't think she'd let me fool around, and I can't blame her for that.

As for my family and friends, I'm not so sure whether I should come out. I don't think I need to come out to my parents, because gay sex is a purely sexual interest for me, so I would equate telling them about my desire to have sex with men to telling them if I were into bondage or something: sure, it's part of my sexual identity, but my parents don't need to know about my sex life. As for my friends, obviously it would be hard to do. I know they'd accept me, but I don't know whether it's important to me that they know that about my sexuality.

Basically, I apologize for this huge wall of text, but I just want some outside opinions on my situation. Thanks!

 

[loveitacceptit]

okay, first of all, you may say now that you'll never have a relationship with a man, but you have absolutely no way of knowing that. sex with random men isn't as emotional as sex with your girlfriend not because she's female, but because you don't know these men, you aren't in love with them. since you're sexually attracted to men, the possibility of a relationship with one is always open, whether you're comfortable with it or not. all it takes is the right guy, man.

i'm sorry, that paragraph was really preachy, and it's definitely not to say that you should go out and start dating men all over the place. if you have a happy relationship with your girlfriend, which you definitely seem to, then keep that going for as long as you can. but since she doesn't know you're bisexual, it's not really fair to be sleeping with men behind her back, even if right now you think it could never become more than sex. in my opinion, you should either stop until you're finished dating her, or tell her about it and see what her reaction is.

as for everyone else, if you don't feel the need to tell them, don't tell them. simple as that.

 

[FishBook]

I appreciate your quick response, loveitacceptit!

I guess I should clarify a few things. The first is that I have not, and never would, have sex with anyone behind my girlfriend's back. My gay experiences were before we started dating, and I haven't seen anyone else since we've been exclusive. I would never do it without her approval, period. That's not the sort of person I am.

As for my saying I have no interest in relationships with men, I understand what you're saying, and I'm certainly not so naive so as to say that it will definitely never happen, because who knows how I might change as I get older? But I can say with absolute certainty that I understand my sexual and emotional needs as they stand right now, and I know that I have no interest in relationships with men at this point in my life. I guess you'll just have to trust me on that. It's not just because I love my girlfriend, but because of how I've felt about boys and girls throughout my life. I'll put it this way: I've wanted to fuck both guys and girls, but I've only ever had crushes on girls, if that makes any sense. I like flirting with, kissing, dating, and fucking women, but I just like hanging out with and fucking men.

 

[hotatlboi]

If all your previous encounters were before your current gf, then I don't see the problem. She would probably appreciate the honesty if you told her, or if she didn't I would question the strength of your relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I'm always an advocate of honesty, that being said, I'm not sure why you're asking this question, seems like you already know where you stand.

 

[TX-Beau]

If all your previous encounters were before your current gf, then I don't see the problem. She would probably appreciate the honesty if you told her, or if she didn't I would question the strength of your relationship.

Some people are funny about bi guys - especially women who think they're dating straight men. We as gay guys know what's up from the beginning, straight women generally don't - and abstract acceptance always is different from the reality it's your guy.

That's what I've seen anyway.

 

[lonnie1]

I agree that the only person that needs to know if your girlfriend. And, you do not need to tell her until you start getting the urge to wander, at which time you need to tell her.
Keep in mind that once she knows, it is no longer a secret. So be prepared for the consequences. For many bi-sexual men the gay urge gets stronger as they age. So, don't let your girlfriend hang on for years without telling her about your sexuality.

 

[runner]

Do not come out.

 

[FishBook]

I appreciate all your responses!

I guess the reason I posted this is because I want feedback on my situation, and I can't really talk about it with anyone I know. The reason it is even an issue is because the desire to have sex with guys is an important part of my sexuality that isn't going to go away. I think about sex with men often, and would really love to be able to have sex with men while still having my relationship (and sex) with my girlfriend. I realize that's probably asking way too much of my girlfriend, but there it is. But definitely, the chance to have sex with guys is not worth giving up our relationship. So there's my problem I guess.

Also, runner, care to explain why I shouldn't come out?

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Fish,
I have a few questions-
How long have you've both been dating for?
Also, what are you looking to gain by sharing this part of your sexuality with her? Are you simply looking for her to accept this part of your sexuality as well as permission to act on it as well or? What is it about sex with men that appeals to you more then sex with your girlfriend? Is it the easiness to it? The not worrying about how they feel etc?

Also, would you be comfortable with her having NSA sex with other guys while dating you?

I don't know that much about open relationships (how they begin, how they are setup, how they function, etc.), but they seem like they can become quite complex after awhile, and really start to create a lot of insecurity on both ends and probably cause a lot of issues.

 

[terps420]

... I'll put it this way: I've wanted to fuck both guys and girls, but I've only ever had crushes on girls, if that makes any sense. I like flirting with, kissing, dating, and fucking women, but I just like hanging out with and fucking men.

I'm not sure how you can separate the "sexual" and the "romantic" feelings like this, but I can guarantee you, you're definitely doing it on purpose. It's that "flirting, kissing, dating" with a guy will be weird to you, where as the sex part, because it is more mechanical, isn't so weird.

Having sex is like a drug, when you're doing it, you get so "into" it that you don't think about anything else. Flirting, or courtship in general, is totally not like that at all. You have to think about it, and obviously the "thinking about it" is whats crippling you. I'm positive that if you found a guy who you *knew* liked you back, yet didn't let you put it in him the first chance you get (someone whos gonna make you work for it, so you actually have some respect and longing for him) but eventually did get with, you'd change your mind about the "romantic" thing. All of the "bi" guys I've known with the same sentiment towards romance as you have ended up being that way.

You just have to find the exception to your rule. He's out there, believe you me.

As for the coming out thing, if you want to tell your friends, let them know more of "the real you", whatever, then do it. If not, don't. If you're not going to act on your sexual urges while with your girlfriend, then don't tell her either. Unless of course you think she might be the one you end up being buried next to, then it'd probably be better to mention it sooner than later haha. There are some things people really would rather not know though.

 

[TX-Beau]

I appreciate all your responses!

I guess the reason I posted this is because I want feedback on my situation, and I can't really talk about it with anyone I know. The reason it is even an issue is because the desire to have sex with guys is an important part of my sexuality that isn't going to go away. I think about sex with men often, and would really love to be able to have sex with men while still having my relationship (and sex) with my girlfriend. I realize that's probably asking way too much of my girlfriend, but there it is. But definitely, the chance to have sex with guys is not worth giving up our relationship. So there's my problem I guess.

Also, runner, care to explain why I shouldn't come out?

Well, my desire to sleep with hot guys didn't go away either just because I got into a relationship.

Why the distinction? You want her, and you know that your desire to have sex with men won't go away. But it's also true that your desire to sleep with hot chicks is still there. But that's not a problem for you. What is it about sleeping with guys that's so different from sleeping with women that you'd consider asking her to make that kind of sacrifice? How would she respond if you asked to sleep with other women as well, that can be done just as easily without the emotional commitment.

You have someone you love, you want your relationship to work, is the guy thing so important? ignore it the same way you ignore the hot women you'd like to bone.

I wouldn't ask her to give you permission until way after you've let her process the fact that you're bi, who knows, just being bi may be a deal killer for her - that's not out of the realm of possibility since what you're telling her is that in essence you aren't the guy she thought you were - which is why I'm an advocate of full disclosure up front so everyone knows what the deal is going in; and she's going to wonder if you're gay.

All things being equal, if you tell here and she's OK with it (you being Bi, not you sleeping with guys) you'll be happier than you will be with this secret in your life. The closet is like that, it requires you to be dishonest.

You're the one who knows her, and hopefully you know here well enough to gauge her possible reaction, it's better to do it sooner rather than later if you're going to do it.

I can't imagine hiding my sexuality from my partner.

 

[TX-Beau]

I'm not sure how you can separate the "sexual" and the "romantic" feelings like this, but I can guarantee you, you're definitely doing it on purpose. It's that "flirting, kissing, dating" with a guy will be weird to you, where as the sex part, because it is more mechanical, isn't so weird.

Having sex is like a drug, when you're doing it, you get so "into" it that you don't think about anything else. Flirting, or courtship in general, is totally not like that at all. You have to think about it, and obviously the "thinking about it" is whats crippling you. I'm positive that if you found a guy who you *knew* liked you back, yet didn't let you put it in him the first chance you get (someone whos gonna make you work for it, so you actually have some respect and longing for him) but eventually did get with, you'd change your mind about the "romantic" thing. All of the "bi" guys I've known with the same sentiment towards romance as you have ended up being that way.

You just have to find the exception to your rule. He's out there, believe you me.

As for the coming out thing, if you want to tell your friends, let them know more of "the real you", whatever, then do it. If not, don't. If you're not going to act on your sexual urges while with your girlfriend, then don't tell her either. Unless of course you think she might be the one you end up being buried next to, then it'd probably be better to mention it sooner than later haha. There are some things people really would rather not know though.

While I agree with you on the one hand, I disagree with you on the other. In any case I don’t think it’s anywhere near that simple.

The difference between really bi guys and gay guys calling themselves bi because they can’t admit yet they’re gay, is that bi guys have options gay guys don’t.

All gay men are very familiar with the “women are for relationships, men are for fucking,” bi guy. The thing is, not wanting to have a relationship with a guy, is not the same as being incapable of having feelings for a guy. However, these guys generally don’t put themselves in a situation where feelings for a guy have any chance to develop – they don’t hang around us usually, and the majority of contact with possible male partners is generally restricted to hookups, and if emotions start to happen, they bail.

Why, well, being romantic with a guy is a huge, consequence laden, identity changing thing. It’s an easier, not to mention societally accepted and reinforced thing to be with a woman – and if you have that option, there would have to be significant motivation to go there and deal with the fallout.

I do think it’s possible for these guys to stifle any possible emotional attraction for a guy, to go through life that way. This is not a judgment on them, just life. The motivation for never letting yourself go there consciously or unconsciously is pretty massive.

Then there are the bi guys who are perfectly fine either way.


Though to the OP, you’ve got to realize that to guys who are gay, saying to them that they’re only good for fucking however nicely is kinda offensive. Not that I think that’s what you’re saying necessarily - I suspect that you've never even considered this from the other side, but it is tied up with what you’re saying, and gay men are going to react to that. If you do get permission, don’t approach this subject that way.

If you said that to me, not that you would, just a heads up, I wouldn’t sleep with you, and I’m a big ole’ slut.

 

[Bi Married Male]

I am in the same boat with you fish book . I have always dated women in high school and have been married for 15 years now. I am in the closet on my bisexuality. I totally identify with everything you described. When the urge comes up I hit the local neighborhood adult bookstore and hook up only with other married men wearing a wedding band. In my mind I feel Married men are also a little less promiscuous and careful with who they let suck their dick. I don't do it often, but I get it out of my system and go back to my safe secure loving married life. Nobody ever needs to know about this side. Now that we have internet I don't even hook up with men that often anymore. Sites like http://www.cam4.com help a lot. JUB is my only place to share this side. I prefer to keep it quiet and let everyone be happy. I play safe and keep discreet. You can have the best of both worlds and nobody ever has to know.,

 

[TX-Beau]

That has got to be some of the worst advice I've ever seen. So, why is it that you think "married men" hooking up with random strangers in a fuck shop are "less promiscuous and [more] careful." That's kinda the definition of slutty and high risk.

To the point, OP, it is NEVER OK to violate the promises you make, to whomever male of female, by cheating on that person with whomever male or female.

That isn't the best of "both," that just makes you a liar and a cheater.