Should I confront my friends?!?

[calvintoronto]

I have been taking road trips with this group of friends every summer (about 6 of them) for a few years. This year I was excluded and never invited. In fact I didn't even know that they were on a trip until they updated their facebook statuses.

Considering all the planning and coordination involved, I am pretty sure they didn't just simply forget to invite me.

My questions are:

1) Should I confront them or play dumb?
2) Should I even hang out with this group of friends anymore? I would think that by excluding someone deliberately is an obvious hint that they don't want that person in the group anymore. Would I appear clueless and stupid if I hang out with them again?

Thanks for all your wisdom and advice

 

[rareboy]

1. No

2. No. Yes you would appear clueless and stupid if you even talk to them again.

Just drop them and don't tell them why.

Or....tell them that you are looking forward to the trip you're going to be taking with your new friends and leave it at that.

3. Ask yourself why they might not have wanted you with them on the trip this year. Are you a good traveller? Did you behave like an asshat the last time? If so, change that.

4. Get new friends. Move on.

 

[AlmondMilk]

As rareboy said, move on. Sadly, friends will come and go no matter how the good times seemed. Friendships aren't permanent.

 

[racer2438]

1. No

2. No. Yes you would appear clueless and stupid if you even talk to them again.

Just drop them and don't tell them why.

Or....tell them that you are looking forward to the trip you're going to be taking with your new friends and leave it at that.

3. Ask yourself why they might not have wanted you with them on the trip this year. Are you a good traveller? Did you behave like an asshat the last time? If so, change that.

4. Get new friends. Move on.

I agree with Rareboy,

especially the "get new friends" they should have had the balls to at least tell you why you were not included. But rethink the past trips and see if something happened that made them change there mind.

Then go find new friends that value what real friendship is supposed to be about and take trips and just move on.

my fav- saying is" Friends come and go in ones life time, but it's the ones that stick with you through thick and thin that make you appriciate your real friends"

 

[calvintoronto]

Thanks for all your responses. It's a bit upsetting to know that my 'friends' never really liked me in the first place.

Should I just leave without saying a word and presumably never see them again? I am afraid that confronting them would just escalate the situation.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Thanks for all your responses. It's a bit upsetting to know that my 'friends' never really liked me in the first place.

Should I just leave without saying a word and presumably never see them again? I am afraid that confronting them would just escalate the situation.

If I were intentionally snubbed like that I'd just drop them. Period. They obviously did not include you in any form, even after the years of trips together. Having them post FB updates, knowing full well you'd read them, just puts salt in the wounds.

If there was a reasonable excuse that they couldn't have you on the trip-carpooling problem, lack of sleeping bags, maybe it was timing and they knew you wouldn't be able to make it..whatever..a friend would have discussed it with you. If someone was uncomfortable with something, someone still should have taken you aside and talked to you. Given the lengthy history of all of you heading out together, its obvious no one "forgot" to include you. Also, since not one of those six guys talked to you, they all knew NOT to talk to you.

Those aren't friends anymore.

I'd drop them like a hot potato. After a snub like that, who cares what their "reason" was for not including you. Fuck 'em.

 

[HornyHenry]

Drop them and firmly say "NO!" if they ask you for any favors at all. Fake friends are worthless. Find a real friend or two. This may take a while but will be worth it.

 

[PiraDeSilva]

Personally, I'd ask them what's going on and why they didn't include you. It seems pretty sneaky to me for them to go on a trip like that, and not make any mention of it beforehand to you. I'd say you were left out on purpose. Still, I'd talk to them, and at least let them know you're disappointed with being treated like that

 

[racer2438]

I would just leave it alone and go on. Whats the point of talking, asking about it. They lied and dissed you already, what excuse could they come up with to make it better other than another lie. So why waste your time.

They are not worth the sweat off your brow, let it go and be the better person. You will find new friends and just be carefull and be who you are.

You dont owe these friends any reason and just dont even talked to them, just ignore and they will see what ass's they are.

 

[Twistedup]

wow. what a bunch of women you all are!

dude, there are so many reasons they might not have brought you. maybe they didn't have space. maybe they are staying with someone who doesn't like you...maybe maybe maybe.

ASK THEM. do not get all sensitive and insulted and snub off your friends because of some perceived injustice. ASK THEM. they are your friends. they'll tell you.

 

[sixthson]

Of course you should confront them. You deserve to know why they did what they did. Just remember, you might not like the reasons they give. Even if it hurts, at least you know the truth and you don't have to wonder about it.

If you are finished with them, tell them. Don't do what they did by giving you the silent treatment.

 

[calvintoronto]

I agree with the last several posters. A sensible, steady-handed confrontation will absolutely be a learning experience- you will either learn what you do that may be annoying to others and possibly be given a second chance to do better, or learn that your friends are assholes and you're better off without them. But go silent without ever asking, and you are sure to learn nothing.

No need to be overdramatic or catty. Just be direct. Carefully phrase your question and ask. Respond civilly whatever the answer; no need to burn bridges and if they are the ones wronging you, your civil reply will make them feel extra shitty.

I just don't want to come across as desperate and clueless by asking them.

 

[texan_slant]

If it matters to you, ask 'em (while keeping it drama-free);
assume that you prob should move on to other friends.

 

[calvintoronto]

Don't be desperate or clueless. E.g. I can't help but notice that I wasn't invited on the trip, even though in the past I have been. I'd like to know why. I'm prepared to accept any answer, but I want to hear it from you.

Did exactly what you said. My friend said it was thrown together quickly.But with hotel booking and coordinating each other's schedule, it definitely didn't happen spontaneously. In the past, they would plan the trips weeks ahead.

Then she said they only had one car. The one car explanation doesn't really make sense because they know I have a car as well.

So what now? Accept and believe it. Or accept and move on?

Thanks guys.

 

[deserter85]

Move on.

It's over.

 

[rareboy]

So by wanting to talk about it, you now know that you've been excluded without knowing why and now lied to.

Does that make you feel better now?

I guess only you can decide how much the companionship of this crew means to you.

None of us can.

If you are so desperate for friends that you accept that you can be treated this way, then by all means, keep hanging around them.

But don't piss and moan about how badly they are using you.

 

[Halifaxboy8]

Did exactly what you said. My friend said it was thrown together quickly.But with hotel booking and coordinating each other's schedule, it definitely didn't happen spontaneously. In the past, they would plan the trips weeks ahead.

Then she said they only had one car. The one car explanation doesn't really make sense because they know I have a car as well.

So what now? Accept and believe it. Or accept and move on?

Thanks guys.

Now they are making random excuses. Even YOU know they are excuses. Why would you accept being fed a shovel full of horseshit?

They've obviously removed you from their social scene and they feel its ok to lie to you (to your face). Are those the kind of "friends" you really need in your life?

If you chase after them, you diminish your personal self worth. Not only that, but in doing that, you tell these asshats that they can get away with behaviour like that and you will accept it. What is the next one going to be?

You are better than this, and you see through the crap they are spinning. Pick yourself up and move on while you maintain your dignity.

 

[Gomaki]

I've been having similar problems with some of my friends recently. I'm kind of glad someone asked this sort of question.

 

[backpacker]

Not knowing the friend dynamic it's tough to give solid advice. If I had to bet, I would bet one or two of the group insisted that you not be included and the others went along with it. Possibly with a "if he goes, then I'm not going" type of statement. I'm going to guess that you approached the person in the group that you are closest to, which probably wasn't the one who created the issue. That person may have been trying to spare your feelings. You should go back to her and tell her that you realize she may have been trying to spare your feelings, but you don't buy the excuses and she needs to level with you. If she doesn't, write her off. You can then decide if you want to try with any of the others in the group.

Typically in a group dynamic there are a couple of people who don't care for each other. The real question is if you have done something in the past to make them want to exclude you on the trip? That's what you really hope to find out by asking them to level with you. Then hopefully you can learn from the experience. If they had good reason to exclude you and you can change the behavior, then there may be some hope for the friendships. My guess is that it's too late to remain friends with all of them, but maybe it's possible with one or two. Only you can decide if you want to remain friends with any of them. By the way, I don't think any of them are the type of friends you can depend on. A real friend would have let you know there was an issue before they went on the trip. Good luck!

 

[Hot White Trash]

It is strange, but I am wondering if you think its because of your sexuality. So the question is, did they learn you were gay and then start acting different? Because it could be that just one person in your group complained and they just decided to exclude you.