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Should I just wait or bring it up again

R

ratmac

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Hi All,

Have a bit of a situation that I am a little unsure on and wanted to see people's thoughts.
Basically at the beggining of the year I decided it was time to come out (26) which went well. There were several reasons why I decided to do this but am not going into all of that now.

So about a month of coming out to some people I had met someone who had moved to the city and was looking for friends and dates. I was happy for either and thought having a mate who was gay would be good for me, I do have one but he is pretty closed off.

We met up a couple of times and he advised he was not really looking for a relationship which I was happy with and we continued to meet up once a week for drinks and dinner and I was happy with that. One day he came over to my house for drinks for the first time, we were up very late and I said he could stay the night and got the futon ready for him, long story short he ended up in my bed that night and we messed around a bit.

So when I go the chance to speak with him face to face a few days later I basically asked what his thoughts are on what happened and he said he didn't want to commit to anything because he works mostly nights, does a lot of study aswell and he didn't want to get into something then go a couple of weeks without seeing me. I was fine with this, I understand I can't be a priority and I don't want to be.

So he stayed that night and up to this point we have fooled around a few times.

Fast forward a week or 2 and he told me that he had to move out of where he was staying as the room mates were moving away. I offered for him to stay at my place. I think he looked into a few places and then asked if he could stay with me for a while which I was fine with.

So now he lives at my place for the last week and I like it but I get this feeling of distance from him. He is really busy and very tired a lot of the time which I understand but I keep having doubt in my mind that he may not be all that interested. I feel that I have to instigate any thing in the bedroom, even something as simple as a kiss i feel I have to start.

I am not sure whether he is just shy cause once I instigate he is straight into it whether it is cuddling on the lounge or a kiss or whatever. I just don't know what to think, I would like to think that he is interested and just afraid to instigate anything for fear of rejection
He also does not seem to want to raise relationship type talk. He will hint at things occasionally like the other day we were talking about the past experiences and he said he is very picky when it comes to relationships and how freaky it was that I met almost everyone of his desirable traits (except I'm taller).

Massive post I know but what are your thoughts, is he maybe just not the type that instigates and should I ask about it. I dont want to freak him out, I am happy to take it slow but need to know the barriers. I keep doubting that he may be that interested in me either but I can't imagine he would have moved in if that was the case.
 
I think you should stop instigating and try to keep some distance. I think you're setting yourself up for a hard fall. He told you he didn't want anything serious and he moved in because he was in a jam. I don't think you guys are on the same page. What are his plans for living arrangements? Is he still looking for a place of his own? How are you going to feel when he moves out? I'm not saying this doesn't have a chance but until you know for sure try not to get too involved or invest too much.

Steven
 
You're looking for something in your life. Unfortunately, this guy cannot be that something.

It's not uncommon for guys who are newly out to find themselves in this position. You meet someone. You discover the things that you've been missing in your life. And you want to hold on to that and make it something more.

The problem is the other guy. His life is a mess and he's in a situation where he is dependent upon you for a place to stay.

For the long term, it would be better if he moved out and found his own place. And it would be better if you continued your search and found someone who is able to provide the things that you're looking for.
 
He already made it clear several times that he is not interested in anything more than being friends (and maybe fool around from time to time, which won´t last forever, I assure you). You can tell him what you feel about all of it, but realize that he could respond with something you won´t like.
 
You need to have the chat but keep in mind it could change things. Above all you do not want to be in the position of being roommates when he comes home with a boyfriend. You need to have a clearer understanding of your relationship. BTW, I'm assuming he's paying rent.
 
He's just not that into you.

Don't expect something out of this. He told you before that he wasn't looking for a commitment.
 
Thanks for your thoughts guys.
I will give it a few weeks and see how we go. I am just going with the flow for now. I have probably over reacted considering it has been a week and he is exhausted from work and multiple assignments.
I am not necessarily going to try and distance myself but I will keep a mental distance till we see where we are at.
 
By distancing I didn't mean having less contact or being cold to him. I meant stop instigating intimacy and those little things one does when you're trying to start a relationship. Distance yourself emotionally. Be prepared for when he tells you he is moving out or doesn't want a relationship. I may have missed it but does he have his own room or are you sharing a bed every night? He should also be contributing to rent and utilities. Just don't invest too much emotionally or financially right now. You don't know where this is heading.

Steven
 
Is he paying his share of the rent? Is he a slob or is he courteous? If he's a good roommate just be friendly and go find someone else for romance....
 
I hope hes paying rent and his share of the bills at least. He made it clear hes not interested in you, your best bet is to get him to move out of your place set a timeline. and be general friends with him with no sex or fooling around. your feeding your mind that something is going to happen between you two's and your going to get hurt in the future.
 
I have probably not been clear as much as I should have here.
He has said that he likes me but didn't want to start something serious while he is so busy.
I think I have over reacted and I think a lot of it was in my head.
We are still seeing each other, just nothing to over the top. We probably still need to figure out some things about each other.

So it is a bit clearer. He is courteous, he pays rent and we share a bed.
The last few days have been better. I am just preparing myself for the fact that he may want to move out and end anything between us which I think I will be fine with.
 
ratmac said:
I have probably not been clear as much as I should have here.
He has said that he likes me but didn't want to start something serious while he is so busy.
I think I have over reacted and I think a lot of it was in my head.
We are still seeing each other, just nothing to over the top. We probably still need to figure out some things about each other.

So it is a bit clearer. He is courteous, he pays rent and we share a bed.

The last few days have been better. I am just preparing myself for the fact that he may want to move out and end anything between us which I think I will be fine with.
Click to expand...

Are you interested in finding a group of gay friends? I have no idea how it works to be honest, I have a close relative who is gay and he has gay buddies who he may or may not have had sexual relations with at some point in time, but his boyfriend is from a different group entirely.

I have no friends who are gay or bi (that I know of) so I'm not sure how it would work. I said before maybe just keep him as a friend, but not everyone is compatible to be even friends, let alone room mates...keep me posted on the thread if you want.
 
You have neglected to respond to a number of posts asking you if he is paying rent, so I am assuming he is not, and is just crashing. That makes TWO red flags.

First red flag is "I am just SO. Busy. At work." NOBODY is too busy at work for a relationship, if they want the relationship. That's a code for "I am not that interested". Trust me, I have been where you are, I WAS JUST where you are actually, making up excuses for the guy, blaming myself for overreacting, etc. It's not you. It's him. And you are too inexperienced to see it. Which is fine, that's why you're here, and that's why we are here for you.

Second red flag, and that one is actually quite a bit worse, is him crashing in your place when he KNOWS you are interested in him more than he is in you (and trust me, he does). EVEN if he's paying rent (and I don't think he is - if he was gonna pay rent, he'd have found his own place), he's still a user. He is uncaring of your feelings by inserting himself so close to you.

Bottom line - this guy is at best not into you, other than "fooling around", and at worst - really bad news. Either way you need to tell him it's time to move out and get his own place. And yes, I remember MY first gay crush, I know how much it sucks, and how much you want it to work, and how much you focus on the little things he does (making them up to be signs of his interest). Trust me, if he is interested, you DON'T have to do guesswork. If he is interested, it's overpowering, all over the place, and you just KNOW.

He needs to go. Do what's healthy for you and develop a network of gay friends. NEVER focus on just one guy when you have no other people to turn to for support.
 
Rolyo85 said:
You have neglected to respond to a number of posts asking you if he is paying rent, so I am assuming he is not, and is just crashing. That makes TWO red flags.
Click to expand...

The response was in his last post:
"So it is a bit clearer. He is courteous, he pays rent and we share a bed."
 
A lot of guys come out and try to go from a straight to happily ever after. You're just getting comfortable in your own skin, a lot of what you are feeling is probably about the freedom to be who you are, not so much that this is the perfect guy for you.

Slow down, look around, and see what else is out there.
 
Thanks for the responses guys.
This is not the first time I have been in a situation like this. There was a guy who I was with and it was very casual. We went on a holiday and i became apparent to me that he was not after an exclusive relationship. Once we got back and I had a chance to think it over I decided to end it so I wont just hang around if its not right.

In regards to the current situation, I feel that I have tried to rush it in my head instead of giving it time to naturally progress. Right now due to the fact that he works nights and we are both at uni working full time, we don't get to see each other that much, Im asleep when he gets home and he is asleep when I leave for work.
This has also been a really short period of time and I think I again have tried to push to a happy ever after without going through the proper motions.
Maybe this is not going anywhere and if he moved in knowing that I was more into it than he was then fair enough it was not a great move, but I don't think it was any better for me to allow him to move in with an expectation that something would progress. Don't get me wrong, that was not the intention I had but I am just questioning it now.

At this point I want to leave it for a few weeks. I will see how we go. It will go one way or another and I am prepared for both. I have been through it before and whilst a little upsetting, I was happy to be able to move on.

Thanks again all, I will keep you posted.
 
Hey all,
Thought I would update everyone since I don't like it when you never her the outcome of these situations.

Predictably things did not work out. He was getting more distant and I decided after a few weeks to ask him if everything was ok and if anything had changed, I had assured him that I would be fine and he still had a place to stay regardless.
He assured me was just stressed and really busy with Uni that's all it was.
A week later he had been the same and I decided that it was fine If he was stressed but I deserved a little more respect than what I was being shown.
I had trouble finding the time cause of our schedules being so different but managed to speak to him when he got home from work one night.

I point blank said that things were not working. I told him that I know he didn't want a relationship but also felt that the way he was acting towards me was making me uncomfortable and I needed to know where I stood so I could quite frankly move on. He felt we were getting too close and he didn't want to hurt me. I told him that it was not going to hurt me and that I was not angry or upset, I was just dissapointed that he was not honest with me when I asked him if anything I was doing was making him uncomfortable.
I also didn't want to just stop acting the way I was as it may seem passive aggressive. I think he saw what we were doing as a relationship and more full on than what I did.

So basically he has his own room now and is paying a higher rent as he has his own space now. I would like to be friends and we get along ok but time will tell, he has not been as friendly as I would like in the past week and a bit when I have seen him. Once uni is on break there won't be any excuses and if he remains grumpy or makes me uncomfortable I can always get him to find somewhere else to stay.

So I have gone on the hunt again, since I am out I can use the apps and dating websites so it is much easier. Already had had a date this week (not great lol).

I have actually learnt a lot from all this and I always say never regret anything you do as it makes you who you are.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It always helps to talk it out.
 
It's good that you are working things out for yourself. What is most important is that you move on and continue with your life without feeling like you've been taken advantage of. Eventually everything will turn out better, who knows you may find someone new and willing to go down the relationship path with you.

Good luck at university!
 
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