Should I settle for being # 2?

[zgbear]

To All Fellow JUBs:


This is a follow-up to my previous post: (please read it below for the details)




Just recently I met with the man I had fallen for to profess my feelings towards him and ask him to start a monogamous relationship. However on the day of our next meeting, he told me that he had already asked him to start their own monogamous relationship together. Needless to say I was heartbroken. Moreover, I discovered that his younger lover did not immediately commit to the idea of a monogamous relationship and was given time to think about it. To prove his commitment to his younger lover – he decided to remain celibate for him until he made his ultimate decision. After breaking the news to me, he stated that we still could be friends (though we couldn’t fool around anymore).


Now, I really love this man, but I can’t help feeling like the jilted lover & being the 2nd choice in this love equation. Moreover, I really hope that his younger lover will not agree to the idea of monogamy relationship in the hopes we can start our own relationship instead. Although he did not give his younger lover a time frame to make his ultimate decision, he stated that “he will not wait forever for him”. Actually I think he will give him 3 to 6 months (max) time to make up his mind.



Now given the current situation, should I give up on this man and continue being his friend …
O R
Should I wait it out in the hopes that his younger lover will (hopefully) say “No” to the monogamous relationship?
OR
What should I do?



Any advice is greatly appreciated and thank you for reading …




Text for previous/related post:

About 5 months ago, I met this wonderful man. He is in his 50s while I am in my 40s and we live about 2 hours from each other in the US Northwest. After our initial meeting, we clicked almost immediately and soon discovered that we shared some common interests. Since our initial meeting, we have gotten to know each other little by little. I have been visiting him almost every chance I get (which is virtually every weekend off). After our time together - I began to fall in love with him (though I’ve only made in somewhat evident to him). Even though we just met after a few months I am thinking of going steady with this man and possibly even moving in with him (though these topics have not come up in any of our conversations yet).
Early on in our dating, he has revealed that he’s been in a 3 year relationship with another man who is in his 20s. His other younger boyfriend lives several states away and is trying to finish college. I can’t help but feel a bit jealous every time he mentions his younger lover in conversations , and especially when he calls him and I am in the room during their phone calls. When they talk over the phone –he genuinely seems to love this young person and even uses the “L” word (especially when ending the phone conversation).
[FONT=&quot]He (the man I am falling for) has mentioned that he wants to get married (his ultimate goal in a relationship) , but I feel otherwise (at the present time anyway). Though he claims that an L.T.R. with his younger lover is not in the cards because of their age difference (totaling almost 30 years), I think they may eventually live together or get married when he completes his college education.
[/FONT] Here’s the situation: I’m not sure what to do. Should I continue seeing this man even though he seems love another even more? I understand he has known this other younger person for years whereas we have just met mere months ago. I can’t help but feeling that he may be the one and that I may lose this opportunity to be with him.

 

[TX-Beau]

Why on earth would you put yourself on hold waiting for someone else to see if his first choice is gonna accept?

No offense, but that situation sounds really demeaning.

If it was me, I'd be the one doing the leaving. Because there's no way that being the lesser option wouldn't be an issue for me in a relationship, sooner or later it would rear its ugly head. I probably couldn't let it go if the other guy turned him down and then he turned to me as a consolation prize.

And what happens to you if the other guy accepts? What then? What happens if the other guy says no and then changes his mind? How are you gonna feel about those 3 to 6 months you spent waiting in the wings for the lead to break an arm?

You owe yourself more than that, you're worth more than that. Tell the guy you're sorry he made that choice, such is life, you're fine with being his friend, but you're not leavings, you're not waiting, wish them luck and go on with your life.

 

[Seasoned]

I'd see other people. No one wants to know they are second choice.

 

[Willie Boy]

The choice to wait is entirely up to you. To help you figure it out, permit me to ask one question and answer it (at least to yourself) honestly. If you truly love him shouldn't you be happy for him that he has found the person he wants to be with?

That said, having feelings of jealousy is totally human and understandable in this situation. Can you remain friends with him if he chooses the younger man? This kinda goes back to the first question I asked. If you can accept that he loves someone else then I would suggest remaining his friend and being happy that he found the person he loves. But if you can find no happiness in your heart just move on, It will be best for all of you.

If you truly love him you will accept whatever decision he makes, otherwise its just lust and bound to fail sooner or later.

Either way, good luck.

 

[Blueboy369]

Consider yourself free and keep yourself open to new people and experiences. If you guys spend time together, no big deal, take it or leave it. Don't keep yourself on hold for anyone. You don't owe him an explanation, or have to make a decision. Just live your life.

 

[G-Lexington]

Should you wait? I don't see any reason to. Just assume it's a no-go, and go looking for somebody else. If, at some point down the road, this guy contacts you and says he's now interested in getting together with you, then sure - re-evaluate and see if you'd like to give it a go. But I see nothing to gain and a lot to lose by putting your life on hold for him.

Lex

 

[CGHJ]

No, no, no, and no.

Keep looking, and let him know that in a couple months if it doesn't work out with the other guy to give you a call. You might be in a relationship of your own by then though.

There's more than just one guy in this world. No matter how strong your feelings of love, he's not the only guy on the planet you could be in love with, believe me.

 

[KaraBulut]

You can't preserve your self-respect and be someone's sloppy seconds.

He blew his chance.

Find a curb. Kick him to it.

 

[Lefty]

what, be the booby prize and know that i can be traded just as soon as something more interesting/fresh/younger comes along...not just no but fucking hell no. tell this pompous ass you have better steaks on the griddle and to drag his hamburger ass out of your life. its called pride my man...pride

 

[zgbear]

Should I settle for being # 2? - Perhaps not ...

Hey there, Fellas:

Thanks to everyone for your posts and replies. I haven't been in many relationships and you guys have opened my eyes and feelings regarding this heartbreaking situation. I must say once more that the man I have fallen for is a real nice and honest person. I found it to be true over the months I've been with him. I think he was simply being honest to me about his feelings towards his other younger lover. When he told me the truth - I guess I couldn't really handle/accept it. Sometimes the truth really hurts.

I'm thinking about remaining friends with him. He still writes to me and invites me to come over to his place (of course, there will be no intimacy at all).

I enjoyed reading all your posts-replies and have taken all of them into consideration. Right now for me anyway is the "getting-over-him" phase of my life. It may last a few days, a few weeks, or even perhaps a few months (definitely not a few years - I don't think I have all that time to sulk about it). Anyway, thanks once again to everyone who responded.

 

[Willie Boy]

No one should settle for being #2. #2 usually gets flushed when the wiping's done.