should I stay or should I go

[james12345]

we are trying to work things out as is said in prior threads. but so far I dont know which way to turn, she for warned me that we would have days that were bad, and Iknew that as well. and this is true, the good days are just that good and I think progress in the making. and all of a sudden wham all hell breaks loose, she says she hates me for what i have done to her, and me i should expect this, i said i would be patient with her, and i will, but some times i just want to get drunk and forget life as i know it. but of course, what will that get you ? then the next day she loves me , which I knew all a long because its simple, if she didn't i would have been gone weeks ago. Ilove her to death and want very much so to put the past in the past and move on with her by my side,but does she want this as well, some days I say yes maybe she does, and others i say its useless, she will dump me someday soon and i will lose her forever. i cant just chance it and go it could be the biggest mistake to date and i am sick of mistakes.
but i hate what i have done to our relationship, and especially her mind and heart. can we get back what we once had ? I ask, well i say she is worth waiting for and time is on my side how long have i been living my secret life anyway, it took 30 years to fuck things i suppose it will take awhile to fix it , or not . well anybody got any ideas ? i am f-d up and dont know what to do.life as i understand it sucks and then you die i wish i could help her through this but i dont know how . thanks again for being here. james

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>can we get back what we once had ?

No. Because what you had was based on lies, and those lies have been discovered. The foundation under the "house" you built over the last 30 years has crumbled. Now you're stuck in the rubble.

You'll have to start building again. On more sure footing this time. It'll be a slow and painful process. You're hitting those bad days. But, as you've said, there's positive there as well.

Accept where you are.
Don't run away from the problems. As you said, getting drunk isn't a solution.
Keep at it.

Lex

 

[Horschallen]

Is one of you bipolar?

 

[luminum]

To be frank, no. You and Diane can never be the way you were. What you two "were" together before was a lie. You're going to be something different.

To be honest, I don't think the two of you have a future together as a couple. I just don't. I think you need to take time to sort out your feelings and instead of repressing part of yourself, embrace all of yourself. And that may mean that Diane isn't what you need. Likewise, after all she's been through, you may not be what Diane needs either.

To me, it looks like the two of you are trying to salvage the shreds of what you both used to have. Sometimes, it's better to put away an old sweater and cherish what it was, and just go find a new one. That sweater is what I see of your relationship. It has holes that cannot be patched. It doesn't mean the two of you should go through life hating each other and guilting yourselves. It just means that striving to be a couple again may not be feasible. Being friends or close ones might.

 

[james12345]

what do you mean by that remark

 

[rareboy]

A lot is going to depend on the progress you both make in therapy.

Obviously, it is good on some days to be together so that you can keep talking to one another and work through feelings of anger, guilt, frustration etc, while also then knowing that there is an underlying love and friendship that does form the foundation for your relationship.

On the other hand, it is a lot like an emotional rollercoaster becuase both of you are likely to have high expectations and very low moments and this may appear confusing to say the very least.

I think it is possible that the two of you may still separate, but why not do it as friends? What I mean to say is that eventually, over a few more months, I think you both will have the opportunity to exhaust the negative emotions. Like a pair of fighters, eventually all the fight will be gone and then you'll know whether you still want to continue on together.

If it becomes chronically toxic, then I think it would be better for you to move out in order for each of you to have your own space and some solo reflection time.

I think you both have to be clear and honest about what you think the basis of your new relationship should be without requiring promises that can't be kept. That is, your partnership now has to exist in the parameters of who the two of you actually are, not who you want to be or want the other to be.

Life, by the way, doesn't suck every day, so there is always hope. Drink and drugs give nothing back but numbness and despair so don't even bother with them.

Remember that you have been freed from the shackles of deceit. Accept responsibility, but not a burden of self hatred and never ending remorse. No one is required to wear that hair shirt every day of their lives.

Now, back to work on life.

 

[james12345]

Is one of you bipolar?

was the bipolar comment a touch of sarcasm or what i dont get it

 

[Shepherd 2]

I guarantee Horschallen is and was not being sacrastic.
It was a question. When people are up and then down and then up again for no apparent reason, it is sometimes a sign of mental distress and a sickness called bi-polar. It is a significant piece of information.

Take your time and deliberately let the therapy take its course, and decide when you are in a better place personally. This may be a tough time, but it is another of life's lessons, and we all need to learn those kinds of lessons well.
Shep+