Should I tell mum I meet guys online?

[Dastarr]

Hi guys.

Kinda come to a bit of a dilemma. Basically for the past couple years ive been hanging out and stuff with guys ive met online or on grindr. Thing is for the last couple years I had no social life due to being broke and unemployed on/off all the time, and only started to really make new local friends in the last 2 years and go out more.

I came out to my mum a year ago, so she knows but we hardly ever talk about it, but I feel she's kinda over-protective of me; even when I want to go out with my regular friends on the off chance theres something on a fri/saturday night, she wants to know who im going with, where I'm going, ("oh thats a bit far to drive") and sometimes even gets annoyed that Im going out and leaving her alone.

Now I'm turning 24 in April, and Im starting to think this is getting a little ridiculous for someone of my age, and as much as I love mum and can see she just wants me to be safe, Im quite frankly sick of the cottonballing and unfortunately it dosent look like I can get out on my own for a while yet - this behaviour even extends to where I apply for a job - like 'Oh I don't like you going there at night, its a bad area' or whatever.

So anyway back to meeting guys online.. ive been doing this behind her back for a while now (although I did go to oxford street with a mate a couple times when she was away in europe last year and told her about it - "oh be careful, you didnt go to the cross did you") but recently Ive started to make some really good mates online, and met up with them a few times.

Now one of them has asked me to a flatwarming in North Sydney. Its gonna be from 5PM-8Pm, so Im looking at getting home around 10:30-11ish. The problem is I could continue lying to mum and say im goin to a local party or something (with the offchance she'll call me or want me home earlier for something) or I could finally be upfront with her cause its getting harder and harder to be sneaky about it - and why should I, really. It's not as if Im a slut and hooking up with guys from online - thats not me, and even if I was, I think Im adult enough by now for that to be my decision and be responsible about it.

There's just this whole stigma of psychos and stalkers or even the hook-up aspect associated with online dating that I just know she's not gonna approve of - even though I've met all these guy a couple times now and gotten to know them - it wouldnt be much different to if i met them at a social club or whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation to me what did you do and for those who have come out but are still living at home - do you tell your parents you met such and such online/grindr or do you lie about it?

any advice much appreciated.

 

[Racer Dave]

I would tell her that you're going to a friends party and that it's a little way away and where it is heaven forbid something should happen to you but if it does then at least she'll know where to start looking for you. As for telling her you've been meeting guys off the internet well thats something you have to decide. I would tell if it was me in your situation, but make it very clear that the meetings are nothing more than looking for friendships and not just random sex / hookups.

 

[Sparky-Sparky-Boom-Boom]

Have you thought about moving out?

 

[jensu846]

keep lying to her. if you tell her you met guys on hookup sites and are going to meet them, you will have to deal with that everytime you leave the house, she is gonna be drilling you and thinking your having sex, even if your not. She will point out how often you go out for it and it will just make it awkward when you leave or come home. Keep it all to yourself and give her as little info as possible. imo. I know it sucks to lie, but sometimes its better that way.

 

[nfgrls]

Personally the way I see it, you live in her house she can ask anything she wants to. If you do not want to deal with her doing so move out.

 

[hylas]

woah you need to move out.

 

[HunterM]

Personally the way I see it, you live in her house she can ask anything she wants to. If you do not want to deal with her doing so move out.

Agreed.

Mothers will always be motherly. They always see us as sons or daughters and not "mature adults" like our friends see us...even if we're 40 years old. You're not alone. Learn to listen in with one ear and out another.

 

[sixthson]

It sounds like your relationship with your mother is not really a healthy one for either of you. At 24, she is still seeing you as a boy, but you are a man. Until you become independent, she will continue to see you that way. She may always see you as her little boy, no matter what, if she is overprotective.

If you are meeting guys online for sex, don't tell her that.
But your friends are your friends and she should not control that. It should not be your obligation to keep her company all the time, too.

It's not easy to raise parents, but you need to start exerting yourself with her. You can do it gently, but you need to do it. She needs to get a life, too.

 

[Rolyo85]

I agree with Sixthson. This isn't a healthy relationship, and even though she does have the right to be inquisitive, considering she keeps a roof over your head, there is a line she can't cross, and you need to make that line clear. In my home country it is normal for people to stay at their parents' home until there is actual need to move out, so I lived in my folks' house until I was 24. I had trained them as early as around when I turned 20 that they could ask general questions like "when do you think you'll be back?" and "where are you going" and that they have to be satisfied with "I dunno, after 12" and "out with friends". Overprotective parents are a little like children under 8. They will do as much as you let them, and will constantly probe to see how far they can go. Be firm, but not rude, and make it clear that your life is your own.

Now, there is something that worries me, and that's her accusations you don't spend enough time with her. She is not entitled to your time, and this latching on to your kid is extremely unhealthy for both of you.

So yes, move out as soon as you can. Find a way, even if it is uncomfortable for a while.

And of course you can't tell her about the online stuff. She will never get off your case if you do. Just vague stuff up, and most importantly, get to a point where you don't explain yourself too much. You are an adult, so act like one. You don't owe her minute by minute accounts. ALL she needs to know is that you're safe. Which friend in particular you are out with, and where exactly, is NONE of her business and her opinion about your friends is irrelevant.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

This sounds just like my Mom, and I worry about the same thing since I'm gonna try online dating soon.

The bottom line is that you have a right to privacy. Whatever personal business you wish to keep to yourself...you keep to yourself, no matter who is probing you for information. Just make sure you don't let her guilt trip you, Moms are good at that.

 

[Dastarr]

Thanks for the replies guys, keep them coming. I got more response here than I have so far on an Australian board i posted at.

I think I should clarify a bit with Mum. She's a single parent and I'm an only child, and she works pretty hard just to keep us afloat after we moved out (we used to live with my grandparents until my grandmother died and we had a massive falling out with my grandfather).

As a result she dosent have that many friends either and if she does do things, its usually with other members of our family every blue moon or the rare holiday for a week, or its with me. many of these friends and family are scattered all over the place, and sometimes she tries to organise things or do things for others, but feels like no-one ever offers or returns the favour back at times and I guess she feels abandoned or deserted like nobody cares.

This is why I guess as I crave for more and more independence whilst still under her roof, it prob feels as if Im abandoning her too or ungrateful for all she's done for me.
For example we had a big fight over me suddenly deciding to go to the movies by myself or with friends to see a movie she wanted to go and see, and that I should wait and go with her because I 'knew' she wanted to see it. I mean it's not as crazy as that all the time dont get me wrong, but that's the point to which it has gotten with this relationship and I agree its getting unhealthy the longer it goes on.

I definitely don't still want to be here when I'm 30, but the thing is its seems to be so impossibly hard for me to get a job to even start to think about being able to support myself to move out, even though Ive got qualifications coming out my ears and my resumes are all great, I hardly ever get interviews and the last two jobs I had were gotten by flukes or internal help, and other than that there were long periods of unemployment just trying to improve myself with courses and work experience.

And I'm applying for everything under the sun like mad, following up dropping my resume off, calling people up, etc I've tried it all. I'm starting to get a little disillusioned myself, I just cant seem to catch a break after nearly 7 years since school ended, while everything just seems to fall into place for everyone else.

Anyways I think i'm going to keep lying, but I guess the reason i'm thinking about coming clean more and more is what happens once I do actually get a boyfriend and I'm still living at home? people lie about how they met all the time, but should I get him to rehearse a story? haha, getting ahead of myself here but can you see where Im coming from?

Part of me wants to be honest at that stage just to give people the hard truth about how hard it really is for some of us gay guys to meet other guys for a relationship or friendship and how gay online/clubs dating needs to up its game but I dunno, maybe thats not the way I should do it for this particular situation still living at home, and not with your parents because most of the time they just wont get it. Thoughts?

 

[Seasoned]

Your mom doesn't need more to worry about. The two of you bonded as parent/child and friend/friend and it's going to be painful turning that into a parent/adult child. Before you're able to move out you may even need family therapy to be able to establish proper boundaries.