Should I tell my boyfriend?

[MMMonsterBoy]

Recently this guy from my past has been texting me frequently. This guy and I hooked up off and on a few years ago. I used to find him oh so very attractive. For some reason we stopped talking over the years. He hit me last night asking if I wanted to hang out. I asked him what his motives were, before telling him I had a boyfriend so hooking up was out of the question. He said we would just catch up and drive around, not hooking up. I thought that'd be okay considering I really didn't think he was still attracted to me anyhow.

I told him all about my boyfriend, as well seeking advice about some issues I am having with my guy. I filled him on some other things going on and talked to him as I would anyone. A moments in, he tells me that he finds me very attractive and that the temptation was getting stronger. I told him that while I find him attractive, I couldn't do that to my boyfriend. He might some persuasive and valid points and made flirtatious advancements. When I realized that the temptation was growing on my behalf too, I told him to take me home. He drove me back because he didn't want to make do anything I didn't want to. It was fine we still chatted and whatnot on the way back. He said he wouldn't text me to hook up or anything, but to be on the safe side I probably won't hang out with him alone again

So even though nothing happened, should I tell my boyfriend about this? All I could think about was him the whole time, not out of guilt or anything...just found it funny how someone I used to want so badly fails in comparison to my boyfriend. I'm not sure if it worth telling my boyfriend 'nothing happened?'

 

[Rolyo85]

If it eats you from inside, you should tell him. If not, however, I'd keep it to myself. As you said, nothing happened, and you don't plan or want for anything to happen, so why scare him needlessly?

 

[racer2438]

I for one think that was a kind thing to do, and it showed respect for ur bf. You should give ur self a pat on the back for doing this. I would say the only thing on the negative side is that it seems that when you told him about issues with bf, he may have stepped it up to try to hook up. You should not have gotton in the situation/car in first placce. I feel that u should not have said anything about that other than you have a bf, your in love , could not be happier, things going good. That may have made him think not to push the hook up attempt.

I f you honestly feel that you did the right thing and nothing happened and it ended there, and no more texts. Then I feel it's kinda like a no harm - no foul and just let it go. If you really love bf then you need to protect that boundary. You felt attraction growing for you of him, but in ur mind u knew it was wrong if you did,and you stopped in time b4 anything happened. So just get him out of ur mind and focus on whats in front of you--ur BF..

I had similar issue of a gf I once had along time ago, actually the one I left to be with my honey of 27 yrs now. She wanted to get back together and she would call and want to talk/meet up and I kept saying no. I told my honey that she called and he was bothered by it but I assured him it was a none issue and told her to get lost and to never contact me again. All I had to do was tell him right to his face and eyes. Then it was a dead issue never brought up again, that's been 10yrs ago.

So handle it right, do it quick, be honest, communicate, be faithfull.

And in the end YOU will feel so much better.......

 

[bankside]

Based on what you said, you did everything your boyfriend should expect you to do when you have a monogamous relationship. So you don't owe him an explanation and you don't have to ask forgiveness.

If you choose to see your ex again in the future, it's normal for a couple to invite each other's friends out together. So tell your boyfriend that you used to know this guy before you met, he's been in touch, and why not invite him over for dinner or something because you'd like to introduce them. It will help your ex see you happy in your new life with someone else. It will let you enjoy being with your boyfriend without being antisocial to the other guy. And without even having to mention it or getting into some big dramatic conversation with anybody, it will be obvious that you're not trying to sneak around.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's not a requirement to tell your boyfriend the whole story.

However, a wise man once said that if you feel like there's something to hide, then you've probably done something that makes for a bad secret.

Since this was done with text messages and you never know who might be looking at your phone, it wouldn't hurt to mention that your heard from an old ex and it made your realize how much happier you are in your current situation... with no further details.

 

[MoltenRock III]

I think you feel guilty for still wanting your ex. While you justify it to yourself that you had only proper motivation to see your ex, I'm betting you found the idea exciting, taboo, and made your heart race. Fortunately, you stopped yourself before it was too late. Nothing happened, you have no reason to explain anything unless you've already lied to him. The question you should ask yourself is why you really said "yes" in the first place, and then deal with those emotions and motivations. Best of luck.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks for the replies everyone, really appreciate it.

I would say the only thing on the negative side is that it seems that when you told him about issues with bf, he may have stepped it up to try to hook up. You should not have gotton in the situation/car in first placce. I feel that u should not have said anything about that other than you have a bf, your in love , could not be happier, things going good. That may have made him think not to push the hook up attempt.

I thought of that just as I typed up my original post. You raise a good point, and I didn't see it that way last night. I was hoping to take just some advice from him, but it would have been wiser not to give him the notion that things between us [me and the boyfriend) are going sour.

It's not a requirement to tell your boyfriend the whole story.

However, a wise man once said that if you feel like there's something to hide, then you've probably done something that makes for a bad secret.

Since this was done with text messages and you never know who might be looking at your phone, it wouldn't hurt to mention that your heard from an old ex and it made your realize how much happier you are in your current situation... with no further details.

This is very good advice. My boyfriend does know about him and I did tell him that he had texted me a few weeks ago. Certainly, I do want to tell my boyfriend how no one really compares

Based on what you said, you did everything your boyfriend should expect you to do when you have a monogamous relationship. So you don't owe him an explanation and you don't have to ask forgiveness.

If you choose to see your ex again in the future, it's normal for a couple to invite each other's friends out together. So tell your boyfriend that you used to know this guy before you met, he's been in touch, and why not invite him over for dinner or something because you'd like to introduce them. It will help your ex see you happy in your new life with someone else. It will let you enjoy being with your boyfriend without being antisocial to the other guy. And without even having to mention it or getting into some big dramatic conversation with anybody, it will be obvious that you're not trying to sneak around.

This is true and a good idea. I don't want to make it look I'm sneaking around. I've already told my boyfriend that this guy had started texting me again. In fact my boyfriend was there when I got the text. He didn't seem too concerned though

It probably wasn't a good idea to put yourself in that situation in the first place. It's good that you were able to stop it from happening but why even put yourself through it.

I can't disagree with this. I had sent him a message before meeting up that I am not hooking up with him, so I assumed if that was his goal then he would find someone else to message. Even though I knew he wanted to hook up, I didn't expect him to actually do anything..I really thought we were just going to hang out.

I think you feel guilty for still wanting your ex. While you justify it to yourself that you had only proper motivation to see your ex, I'm betting you found the idea exciting, taboo, and made your heart race. Fortunately, you stopped yourself before it was too late. Nothing happened, you have no reason to explain anything unless you've already lied to him. The question you should ask yourself is why you really said "yes" in the first place, and then deal with those emotions and motivations. Best of luck.

Hmm, you do raise a good point. I did enjoy the fact that he wanted me so badly, but he couldn't have me. Most likely because a while back the roles were reversed.

 

[looseliam]

Not knowing your boyfriend and how he may react, I would let the whole thing go and not say anything.

You didn't cross any lines, and your motives were not naughty. THough you feel badly, don't.

You mentioned you talked to him about some issues - I assume issues with your current boyfriend. Should you continue to hang-out with your ex, don't talk about anything bad between you and your boyfriend. I feel he may use those as a way to try and manipulate you, putting you in an awkward position.

 

[sixthson]

The devil is on your shoulder. You played a bit with tempation, but were able to resist. This time. Next time you might not be so lucky. He knew you had a bf you wanted to be faithful to, yet he put the moves on you. He is scum. Run far from him.

I think you should be honest and open with your bf.

 

[thephoenix]

Maybe you should examine why you went with this guy in the first place? From what I gather, this is a person who you hooked up with, but never really had anything serious or committed with, which strikes me as this guy is someone you didn't really communicate with unless sex was on the table. I could be wrong, but that is the impression I get from your post.

While I tend to think one should be honest and open with their significant others, I think there is a difference between being honest and easing one's own guilt. You should examine your motivations for saying anything if it was innocent. I mean are you wanting to tell him so that maybe he'll be relieved he has a boyfriend who had the chance to cheat, but didn't? (Sorry if this sounds harsh or judgmental, I don't intend it to be, but there was no easier way to put it).

Being faithful shouldn't be something you have to illustrate with examples. It's just something you are and that speaks for itself.

What will you accomplish by coming "clean" so to speak? I agree with the others, you are doing better than some people in that you recognize you were tempted and you thought about your boyfriend and removed yourself from the situation.

For what it's worth, I don't feel like this ex-hook up guy is anyone you should hang out with in the future. You said yourself that you were tempted and I think the guy revealed his actual intentions when he disregarded that you said nothing could happen if you guys hung out.

And besides if the guy truly pales in comparison to your boyfriend, then why would you want to spend time with this guy? He's of the past for a reason, right?

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Should you continue to hang-out with your ex, don't talk about anything bad between you and your boyfriend. I feel he may use those as a way to try and manipulate you, putting you in an awkward position.

A mistake I won't make again. Though me seeking advice was merely me trying to keep things friendly - nothing more. That is why I brought my boyfriend up, but it would have made sense to exclude my relationship turbulence.

The devil is on your shoulder. You played a bit with tempation, but were able to resist. This time. Next time you might not be so lucky. He knew you had a bf you wanted to be faithful to, yet he put the moves on you. He is scum. Run far from him.

I think you should be honest and open with your bf.

Yeah, I've concluded there is no way we could hang out one on one again. Though I do believe I could be fine...there is just not anything good about it. I

Maybe you should examine why you went with this guy in the first place? From what I gather, this is a person who you hooked up with, but never really had anything serious or committed with, which strikes me as this guy is someone you didn't really communicate with unless sex was on the table. I could be wrong, but that is the impression I get from your post.

While I tend to think one should be honest and open with their significant others, I think there is a difference between being honest and easing one's own guilt. You should examine your motivations for saying anything if it was innocent. I mean are you wanting to tell him so that maybe he'll be relieved he has a boyfriend who had the chance to cheat, but didn't? (Sorry if this sounds harsh or judgmental, I don't intend it to be, but there was no easier way to put it).

Being faithful shouldn't be something you have to illustrate with examples. It's just something you are and that speaks for itself.

What will you accomplish by coming "clean" so to speak? I agree with the others, you are doing better than some people in that you recognize you were tempted and you thought about your boyfriend and removed yourself from the situation.

For what it's worth, I don't feel like this ex-hook up guy is anyone you should hang out with in the future. You said yourself that you were tempted and I think the guy revealed his actual intentions when he disregarded that you said nothing could happen if you guys hung out.

And besides if the guy truly pales in comparison to your boyfriend, then why would you want to spend time with this guy? He's of the past for a reason, right?

I agree with all of this. I hope my original post didn't come across as 'Well, I should get points for staying faithful.' I don't want it to sound like 'hey, guess what? I can't cheat on you!' More so 'Hey, I would never cheat on you because I have no desire to be with anyone else.'

Though yes, I don't want to tell him to ease any guilt I may have. I don't really feel guilty because nothing happened...I just feel weird that someone else tried to seduce me and it wasn't my boyfriend. I am very sensitive, and I just felt...I guess uncomfortable :/ If I do tell my boyfriend, it will because I tend to tell him everything. If I don't mention some part of this, I will feel as though I am hiding something....which makes me look guilty..which is useless considering I didn't really do anything.

 

[thephoenix]

You were uncomfortable and you removed yourself from the situation. That's what that weird feeling is for. If it were me, I'd be worried if it didn't feel weird that someone who wasn't my boyfriend tried to seduce me.

Don't beat yourself up. Temptation is human. In the end you put a stop to it.

If you want your boyfriend to know that you have no desire to be with anyone else, then tell him so. You don't have to provide a specific for instance. And your original post didn't come off like that exactly. I was playing devil's advocate for another perspective.

Only you can decide with any accurate certainty what is right for you and your relationship. Just be sure of your motivations.

 

[Seasoned]

Nothing happened but that doesn't mean it couldn't if you keep putting yourself in that position. I think you stop accepting texts from him.