Should one still keep contact with their first ex OR end all contact?

[Something Else]

That's what i'm grappling with.

With every relationship (all with women, prior to this bf relationship) i've ever had, i've always had a policy of NOT talking to them afterwards. It was always painful, but I felt it allowed me to move on without having the lingering feelings of staying within a relationship that was stagnant, at best.

That had been my stance and approach with all of my former girlfriends (no contact made by me).

Now move on to my first boyfriend relationship.
As a gay man he was my mentor, my confidant, my lover and in reality my first gay friend.

Considering all that he meant to me (being my first) i'm finding myself having second thoughts about my standard hard line approach regarding handling this breakup.

I know that he loves me, and that I love him; but there were things between us that made our relationship so problematic--which i won't delve into here--that I felt compelled to simply discontinue the relationship, altogether.

Anyways, I'm wondering what has been the approach for those that have experienced something like this.

Are you able to manage the new relationship of friendship, knowing that you were just lovers not too long ago?

Or should I maintain my "no contact" policy and simply not look back.

I'm in uncharted territory here and looking for advice/suggestions/thoughts.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Of all my EXes, I am good friends with only one of them. Most likely, because we still do some little work together and he lives close-by in Vienna, Austria.

You'll have to decide for yourself, based upon the very merits of your situation. My experience, plus my gut feeling somehow always tell me: LEAVE IT THERE AND MOVE ON.

I really have no good explanation for this. This is simply how I feel about it.

SC

 

[puka-pride]

if u stay friends with him right after u break up ur gonna fight and argue and end up hating eachother.....

the best thing for you will prolly be to cut off contact for a while.. and after u both have gotten settled into the fact that its over between u and will never happen again then and only then can a friendship work

 

[luminum]

I've gotten to the point where I am good acquaintences with my ex. We rarely talk or communicate because we run in different circles, but we don't hate each other. I imagine if we ever HAD to tell one another something, we would. So it depends. If you feel that there is a salvable relationship to be had, if the person is important to you, then by all means continue.

But if you've had a fallign out, if you hate each other, or if you're just not interested then don't bother.

 

[Dobson73]

One of my ex's is now my closest friend.

After we broke up (my instigation) I realised that there were many things about him I loved and missed but like you (by the sound of it) we just couldn't remain together.

After about 5-6mths, I sent him a card to say "Hi" and would he like to get together for a beer? About 3 weeks later he called, we met on neutral territory for a beer, he vented and I coped it. But from there we moved towards a beautiful friendship because we both have things we can offer the other. Just not as lovers.

It took time but it's good and it's worth the effort.

 

[conrad]

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but in my case, all of my EXes as still very good friends; we don't have sex anymore, but we know that when we meet the memory of what we had together becomes fresh once again. I think the key factor was the friendship/love relationship in which the sex was the wonderful confirmation of the bond we already had. I have had just five partners in sex in a long life; all five are in committed long term relationships as am I with the last, my wife. I don't expect that my way could become the norm, but it has been wonderful for me. There must be some value in the old-fashioned way.

 

[confusedboy23]

I've stuck to my policy of NOT reading prior posts (for once, LOL) so here's my thought on this.

You know what, you so remind me of MYSELF! I could spend a day telling you the similarities between our experiences, but I shall refrain from that.

I'm still not completely over my first and only boyfriend. At first, we maintained contact but it was just way too hard for me. So I broke it all off. It wasn't any easier but it has given me time to reallly make some sense out of the situation and help me regain my own self. I spent many nights crying and I have to admit those tears were really good at taking the pain away.

After a while, he initiated contact again and I reciprocated. Then, he decided to abandon conatct for what reasons, I do not know. I don't crave for him as much right now, but I wouldn't try and contact him just yet. Maybe it would be good for the both of us to really be distanced for a longer time before anything else.

Good luck!

 

[Danugh]

It would depend on the nature of the break up.

My ex still thinks we are together and i tolerate him and his antics but we just talk every now and then. He is one of those men that use the line, "we will always be together", this coming from a man that i caught having sex with a man in our bed lol.

 

[RicanDAB]

I am still very good friends with 2 of my ex's ... and they both evolved from relationship to friendship only after we had substantial time apart from each other including communicating (at least a year) ... that helped a lot to put the friendship and the end of a relationhsip into perspective, even when they did not end well. But BOTH of you have to want a friendship after the time apart, you cannot force it if the other is unwilling and really wants to forget you.

 

[rareboy]

How utterly foolish not to remain on good terms with an ex. Life is too short to treat people as disposable. My first ex is still our very best friend. Unless they beat you or cheated on you, keep them in your lives. You'll be richer for it.

 

[Something Else]

Thanks guys for sharing your thoughts/experiences/perspective on this. It's helped a lot in sorting out how i'd like to move on/forward from here.

To update my situation, we had talked on the phone recently. I explained to him that he's a very special person that was in my life. And I tend to keep people of that nature close to me--which is why I'm swallowing my pride by saying that I'd like to keep in contact with him.

He seemed to allow me to talk thru that with out much interuption, but I think he sighed when I said that I'll be keeping in contact with him despite our relationship being over. My intuition just keeps telling me that he still would like to continue the "relationship" (whatever it was) going. And my heart still feels like I should give him yet another chance.

He then said he had to tend to something at work, and said that he would call me back later. Of course, I've not gotten that call back. I'm gradually learning to deal with the reality that our relationship is NOT what it once was any more--though it is much easier said than done.

anyways...that's the latest.

thnx again guys for all the replies. I realized that what you decide to do, is really a very personal decision. A decision that, invariably, you'd have to live with--without regrets.

I realized that after the last girlfriend I had loved, I've regretted discontinuing contact with her--as there has been many times I've wondered how she's doing since our breakup without any success. I guess for me that regret/experience has taught me that I should not have such a hard line approach with people that I truly love. That was something that only experience taught me.

 

[ReZerection]

I've kept in no contact with my ex's. We basically went out seperate ways, although there was one that we tried to hangout with each other about a month later and that was about it, it was completely awkward.

Now, my bf was keeping in contact with his last ex and well it got to be to much for me. I first asked him after being together if they were an item, he said no. I of course didn't believe him, considering they lived together for roughly 2 years or so, and did everything together, vacations etc.

Then about 2-3 months later he finally told me that yes they were an item. And after we had moved and what not the other guy keep calling and talking to him and texting him etc at all hours of the night. So one night at about 2am he kept calling my bf's cell phone, since my bf was asleep and had to work in the morning I picked up the phone. I had a talk with him for about 20 minutes telling him that my bf had to work etc, and that they were no longer an item and that he needed to back off quite a bit, he asked how long we had been together and I told him, evidently my bf was telling him in the beginnig that I was just a friend etc, (the same line he told me about his ex) And a few other things were discussed. After that night, I don't believe his ex has called.

I told my bf what had happened that next morning and he didn't really say much. I did however ask him why he felt the need to lie not only to me but to his ex.

See I don't think I would have had a problem with it, had I been told the truth in the beginning, but once a person is lied to, all bets our off.

 

[Riverrick]

You may do ok to keep up some contact and maybe even be friends later.

I wasn't able to do it.