Should the 'Fag" thing bother me?

[Twistedup]

I'm really bothered today, for a few reasons. Here's one; i live with my pal and his girlfriend. his girl is one of the few people i'm out to. she's totally cool with it, and when we're alone, she likes to bust out her star and people magazines and start chatting me up about guys in them...a practice i am not at all into. well it was awkward at first but i'm used to it and i kinda like that i have someone to talk to and be open. i even think i'm turning 'gayer' by the day because all the sudden i find myself actually interested in that trash.

that said, my pal, i've not really come out to. i say not really because he once asked me why i was spending so much time with his girl...a legitimate question considering our history and the fact that we do do a lot of things together while he is at work. well i told him not to worry about it. he explained that he was worried about it, and i told him that i wasn't really into his girl, or many girls at all for that matter. well he got the point and stopped pushing the issue.

now, they are both totally cool with it, but since then i have noticed one thing. they both have taken to calling lame things gay very often. now, don't get mad, but i do that too sometimes...old force of habit i guess. but it's becoming a much more prevalent part of both of their...especially her...vocabulary. also, she's taken to calling me a fag far more frequently in public; around friends, in bars, etc...now, she is cool with it all, and doesn't really act negatively toward me...but says those things...i don't really know if they're meant to be a passive aggro insult, or if she thinks we're close enough now that she can just call me that all the time...

it wouldn't really bother me except for the in public thing...because i'm not really out yet. i suppose if i were i would have much more reason to be upset, but here's my questions...

is she trying to push me out?
is she trying to bond with me through some sort of fucked up logic?
is she trying to belittle me out of some inherent disrespect or disapproval?
is this a normal response from straight friends?

i am definitely not just being over sensitive...this stuff has quadrupled at least.

this shit is rough.

 

[Fallen1984]

It obviously does bother you (as it would me), so tell her as much and ask her to stop. It sounds like maybe she's trying to show just how cool she is by adopting the lingo or something in a twisted kinda way. Personally, I just don't like the word "fag," even if the speaker is gay or saying it in jest, because you can't really get around the hateful connotations.

Same with using "gay" to describe something you don't like. I have a friend that still does that on occasion, and whenever she does, I agree and say the same thing back to her, substituting her name for "gay" She gets the point pretty fast.

 

[Bi_Stud]

I may have used the term fag or gay to mock those people who ignorantly and use it with hatred or dissaproval, but I would never use it as part of my vocabulary in THAT context.

I hate when people say it.. but it doesn't bother me that much. On some days it does.. and on others Im just like "Some people will just never learn."

 

[Jerry]

I say bad things are "gay" sometimes, and I say fag too.
I don't know, they're just words to me.

But if I had a friend and he said it bothered him, I would at the very least make an effort not to say those things around him. This obviously upsets you, so your friends should respect that. And respect you.

I sometimes take the lord's name in vain, as my friend says, and it seems to bother him. So once I learned it bothered him, I tried to make sure I didn't say things like that around him anymore. I love my friend and I respect him. If I can make such a simple adjustment to avoid upsetting him, then it seems like a no-brainer to me.

 

[Chris1984]

I don't let words bother me. Someone told me once, consider the source and move on. So I just don't let it bother me

 

[M4P]

Start using the term "stupid cow" or "fat cunt" around her a lot.

See how she likes it.


Stupid, fat, cow cunt.

Rather than lower yourself to her standards confront her. Ask her how she'd like being called something derogatory. If she doesn't understand it's time to find a new pal and place to live

 

[kramer362]

the way i see it the word 'fag' is only as bad as the meaning behind its usage.

but it would prolly bother me if people kept calling me fag as though that's my defining characteristic. I'd rather be called some nickname that refers to my personality, not my sexuality

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Twisted,

Mate... I really suspect that she ironically thinks its a term of endearment... just like the term "fag hag"... its a case of hearing something and not knowing its meanings. Think about the word versatile... now for us that word has a completely different meaning to 99% of the population. And of course theres a group of guys who actually love the term fag.

Like you, I dont. Because we know its got more that one connotation... and its a word associated with hurt not acceptance to most.

You just need to talk to here. Dont get all paranoid or fearful... dont read any more that you need to into this.

Explain to her why you dislike the term, why it hurts you and that to you - regardless of what others may thing - its an insult.

Then, if she persists, you can start to question her... but right now mate I really suspect its innocent ignorance not hate.

 

[Twistedup]

no, i', 100% sure she does it as a term of endearment...so to speak...or to be hip. the thing is when i asked her to stop she apologized but nothing came of it. tonight i heard it like 4 times.

 

[tallguy297]

Its probably become an automatic association for her, and you'll need to draw her attention to it every time she says it... she might have a nickname or something she dislikes (without resorting to insults)... every time you hear her say fag instantly mid sentence even call her that nic name...

Soon enough she'll become aware of whats shes doing and it will stop. You just got to help her realize what shes doing.

 

[G-Lexington]

Have you asked her to stop?
Then why would she?

Lex