Shouting down my demons

[ncc72134]

Sometimes I think if I were straight, I'd probably be married by now. That sounds ridiculous. Where I live, though, if you're not 20 and hot or 60 and willing, there's not much here. Yes, I know, looks aren't everything, but here, I think they weigh heavily (no pun intended). If there are guys my age living here that show interest in me, they usually have difficulties stringing words together to form sentences. I promise you, it's not because my standards are too high. I just like to talk, you know, have a conversation. But when the first message is "Sup?" or I do all the talking, things turn ugly pretty quick. I know I'm a catch, that I can offer a lot in a relationship. I'm not clingy, co-dependency drives me a little crazy, but I'm a romantic and I want to find a guy who wants a courtship. I am incredibly proud of my accomplishments and I should be a happier person. But I'm so lonely. All of my best friends are women, which is great, we can talk about everything together. The one guy I tried be a best friend with, well, I fell in love with him. And he's straight. Fucked up. I need an emotional connection, someone to share things with, someone who will listen and someone who likes to talk, because I listen, too. I need a partner, in crime and in life. Everyone else likes to say "It will happen, someday you'll find love." What do I do in the meantime? I'm losing weight (not fast enough!!!), trying to be a better person (less judgmental, maybe?), I've been on the sites looking for my guy, I try to get out as much as possible...I don't know. I won't give up. he's out there, waiting for me, somewhere. I just wish I knew where.