Silly Rant about Promiscuous Gary!

[crubbed]

Okay, this is going to sound super stupid.

There's this guy, Gary. We've known each other since September. I didn't care about him at all at first. I thought he was funny, good-looking. Just not my type. A little pedantic maybe. And undoubtedly promiscuous.

We've been hanging out in the same group of friends all these months. Just like friends. He would hook up with a different guy every Saturday night. And I would spend most of our nights out with the other guys from our group, and I would chit-chat with him occasionally. We even had a few verbal disagreements.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the chance to talk more. He assisted me in a work I had to do. We got to know each other. He told me about his life. He's 22, he was obese until a couple years ago, when he started working hard on his diet and his habits and this year he's become really handsome. But he's still very insecure about himself. Furthermore, his being promiscuous prevents him from having real friends. Because guys are always looking for sex with him. And he never says no. So he can't build any friendships or relationships.

The problem is: I've grown fond of him. We text each other on a daily basis. It seems to me that we share a deep connection. He says I'm a wonderful human being, and he's glad he's gotten to know me better. He says that he admires me for my honesty. I think I've grown on him too.

This week we had a huge misunderstanding, so I asked him to have dinner together and talk our issues out. We had dinner at my place. It felt awkward at first. He specifically made a joke about that saying that the atmosphere there felt like going to someone's place for a ONS. We laughed. But I just wanted to prove him that there's someone else in this world who's not looking for sex exclusively, and enjoys friendships.

So, we ate, we talked our issues out. Then we went out to meet up with a friend. Then, he realized that his mother had locked him out of their home (his mother is a nutjob), hence he needed a place to sleep. He came over to my place. We slept in the same (small) bed. I really made a point of not kissing him and not having sex with him. I didn't even let him feel my hard-on. I wanted to show him that I'm different from the others. I wanted him to understand that he can build a friendship with me that doesn't have to include sex.

However, he fell asleep in my arms. It was so beautiful to me. Something that I had always dreamed about. After a while he turned around and scooted over. But I really wanted to hold him, hence over the night I caressed him, and held him in my arms again occasionally. That was really beautiful. But I don't know if he was enjoying that as much. Plus, apparently my actions gave away my intentions, and my small crush on him. I'll explain why:

When we woke up everything was fine as usual, he just said the bed was uncomfortable. Then he asked him if I had tried to kiss him over the night, and I was like "Whaaat???". I never tried to kiss him. I explained to him that I hugged him out of friendly love for him. Still, he got the impression that I tried to kiss him. So, it's just as if I am like everyone else. I said this wasn't the case and he believed me.

Now, the problem is: I really liked it tonight. Probably more than he did. But I don't think I can reveal my feelings to this guy. Because it's not going to take me anywhere. We can't have a relationship. He is so promiscuous he says he lost track of the guys he slept with. He even goes around saying he can't picture himself at 30, 'cause he'll die of an STD before turning 30.

Still, there's something about him that I like. We click. And to think that he's a 100% bottom, and I've been a 100% bottom so far--- but I do want to penetrate him. Something's changing inside me, I don't even get turned on when I see the typical porn that's always aroused me so far. There's something about him that awakens my instincts to protect him. That's why I hugged him tonight, or cuddled him.

But I'm not sure what to do. Apparently we will keep being friends and hanging out together, and texting. He says he loves my advice, that I'm very wise. And I'm looking forward to helping him with his issues. But maybe I am secretly and unconsciously looking for more, even though I know we are not meant to be. Should I ran away before it's too late?

 

[Asenath]

You can't fix him. You can't change him. Any relationship beyond supportive friendship you cook up will be on an uneven playing field, and probably destructive to your future friendship.

What you can do is refer him to an LGBT friendly counselor and let him know you're concerned for him.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK why can't you ask him out? If you start dating one assumes that will end his promiscuity.

You realize you're not his parent. If he's not playing safe I'd probably say something about that - as a friend - but his choices are his, it's his life.

Has he told you he doesn't like sleeping around but just can't stop himself, or is he enjoying himself? Who has a problem with his behavior, you or him?

If you try and go into a relationship with that parent/child dynamic you're going to sabotage yourself and hell, you don't even know if he's interested in dating you anyway because you won't ask.

It kind of red flags when you say you're looking forward to helping him with his issues. He's not a stray puppy. You're his friend, and certainly you should be a friend, but you're not his mental health professional and you shouldn't try to be. Going into this with that motivation is a bad idea.

Anyway why does being promiscuous mean you can't have friends? One generally isn't looking for friendship from a hook up. If you think his behavior is self destructive, dating you isn't going to fix that.

You've got to be real careful with the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome, he may want your help in the beginning, but usually starts resenting it pretty quick.

 

[Craig86]

I think you need to be really, really careful with this whole situation. I can see similarities with my current situation in the fact that I've been trying to go for a relationship with someone who just doesn't want one right now. Do you know if he's actually looking for a relationship? Maybe just casually talk to him about it, then you can gauge whether it's appropriate or not. Then there's the problem of whether he's going to cheat and you'd like to think if he's in a relationship, that he won't.

Just be really careful. The deeper you go into building this friendship and helping him, the deeper you're going to fall into a potential trap of wanting something he doesn't. Maybe try and lay off the texts as much as you can.

 

[future_retro]

LOL, I think there is actually something in the above post.

 

[treanir]

We can't have a relationship. He is so promiscuous he says he lost track of the guys he slept with. He even goes around saying he can't picture himself at 30, 'cause he'll die of an STD before turning 30.

Is he promiscuous because he wants to be, or because it's all he knows? I think quite a few guys who go home with a different guy every Saturday night don't know anything else, or think that's what you're supposed to do, or are stuck in a pattern they can't get out of. If Gary's promiscuous because he really wants to be, then a relationship is probably not going to happen.

Also, Gary sounds rather self-destructive and/or fatalistic to me. "Knowing" he's going to catch something lethal before he's 30? Sounds like Gary needs help. And I don't think you're the one to give it to him (your protective instincts aside).

 

[crubbed]

Has he told you he doesn't like sleeping around but just can't stop himself, or is he enjoying himself? Who has a problem with his behavior, you or him?

He just wishes those ONSs would lead to a relationship. But he's not compulsive about that.

Anyway why does being promiscuous mean you can't have friends? One generally isn't looking for friendship from a hook up.

It's just that people are worried that he'll snatch their boyfriends from them.

You've got to be real careful with the Knight in Shining Armor syndrome, he may want your help in the beginning, but usually starts resenting it pretty quick.

You're so right about that. And I do have a KSA syndrome.

Do you know if he's actually looking for a relationship? Maybe just casually talk to him about it, then you can gauge whether it's appropriate or not.

He keeps repeating over and over that he's dying to have a relationship with someone.

Oh for god's sake just jump his bones,it's quite obviously what you're both after,and please cut out all this psychobabble drama .QUEENS.

LOL you're right. I overthink stuff. I'm just worried I might suffer.

So, yesterday we went to the disco. One of my friends started teasing me with his round butt. He started rubbing it against my cock. He felt it was getting hard, and he looked me in the eye and kept on rubbing his ass. This guy is a handsome and down-to-earth young man. I really like him. So, I thought he was the perfect opportunity to get my mind off Gary. So I decided I would hook up with him.

So, I told him: 'You know you're getting me all hot and bothered tonight'. And he said: 'Yeah, I noticed'. Then I go like: 'I want to kiss you...' (I know, I shouldn't have). And he told me that he only saw me as a friend, as a 'reassuring figure' (?!), and that he didn't think there could be anything romantic between us. And I told him: 'Romantic? I didn't ask you to marry me. I just wanted a kiss'. And then I kissed him. He kissed me back, with tongue and all (BTW, I don't like the way he kisses). Then he pulled back. And he started pitying me. 'I'm so sorry, I'm just not feeling it, I'm so sorry bla blah'. And I was like ' You don't need to pity me. It's okay'. And we went on as if nothing happened.

It's just that I don't understand. He was rubbing it on my cock a minute before. The other night he joined me and my friends at my restaurant and he was all touchy-feely. Hm. Whatever.

Meanwhile, Gary was in the other room. He made a point of not hooking up with anyone. We were constantly next to each other, and chatting, and laughing. Well, I thought that he was interested in me. But given what happened with the other guy, I must think that I'm just not good at interpreting signals. So, God only knows what Gary has in mind.

Thank you for reading. I'm not familiar with relationships, so whenever something remotely similar to that comes up, I wonder what to do.