Single Like Always...HELP

[socalistud3]

ok so i am so annoyed right now...actually most of the time....my two roommates have bfs and they are always over and hanging out with them...so first off not only have i lost my two best friends but i have to have their relationships shoved in my face constantly....

i can't seem to find the right guy...he is either straight...across the country...or taken.....what the hell is wrong with me...is it commitment issues and i don't really want to be with someone so instead i am making myself unavailable to those near...i don't get it at all

im so tired of carrying all the wait by myself...i want to have someone who i can have help me out with the wait...someone to share the happy and sad...someone to bitch at...someone to complain too....someone to cuddle with..someone to text song lyrics too....i don't have any single friends these days that will even give me the time of day...i just want to come first finally to someone

I'm 20 and constantly bitter...i am high maintenance with ADHD...Depression...slight OCD...how the hell am i supposed to find someone that will put up with all this shit...and still meet my likes....i like masculine guys who look straight and talk relatively straight...taller than me...good head on their shoulders quiet....so what the hell is wrong with me...why can't i find this

im ready to give up on love and looking for it...and before anybody decides to respond and say "you are looking thats why you are single" thats bullshit because its been 20 yrs...i have never had a successful relationship.....good or bad.....i can't even seem to get a date these days....this is ridiculous...im jaded and pissed at the world now because i feel like i have been forgotten and am like usual on the back burner.....i wanna stop looking but i can't...i am always on this site or a4a or connexion...this blows.....

on the plus i am a very outgoing person...great talker...great listener...spontaneous...love ferocious and live fiercely...i am a great catch but i feel like no one else seems to think so...

HELP

-Chad

 

[martin6]

Hi Chad! Let me first just say that you and your puppy are so damn cute! Well I'm assuming it's you and your dog. My pup looks almost just like yours!!

Anyway.

I know how ya feel with your roomies having BFs and parading it in front of you. My roomie, who I used to be totally close with (friends for years) now just comes home with her boy in tow, walks through the house silently, and shuts the door to her room for the nite so they can get freaky. Ugh.

So what do I do about it? I spend my time doing some of the things that I love doing by myself. I play a lot of piano, I hop on JUB , and I go to school activities. I'm on the university newspaper staff (copy editor) and I participate in a geography club at school, too. Start there. I guarantee you'll start meeting people.

You will meet straight and gay folks, guys and gals. You may not find a BF, but you will probably end up meeting someone who can become a good friend. Good friends take away the desperate need for a boyfriend, in my experience. And you may just find a BF in the process!

One more point-- it is unfair to yourself to say you've been searching 20 years for Mr. Right. It's only been a few years now, since you probably weren't shopping the meat market as a child! It hasn't been that long (even if it feels like it) so don't give up hope so early.

Okay, well this is the longest post I think I've ever written. So I'll stop for now.

 

[theblackajah]

Well, here's some food for thought:

You indicate you have several flaws you want your future bf to accept... and yet you put very stringent criteria on your selectees (ie. tall, butch, etc.)

Perhaps if you expect others to like you (romantically) and accept your flaws, you should start searching in the same manner.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I hate to break the bad news to you, but your approach is obviously not working, is it?

?High Maintainance? Cool. Very cool, if you have got ALL it takes; including but not limited to being a most genuine restaurant head turner with clear likes for the dudes who are willing to dish out the much needed maintainance cash for someone, they cannot get for free anyway. Think this one over, long and hard. (No pun intended.) There is so much high maintainance available around, you only need to make sure that they see you as the right guy for that job.

?Jaded and pissed off? Not so cool. Jaded guys usually radiate the feeling of failure around them. Most definitely, a very undesirable feature. Most dudes are looking for an easy joyride. NOT for helping you out of your state of permanent jadiness. Drop that one, ASAP.

?You are a great catch? Cool. Very cool. Show this to the rest of the world and make sure that they are getting the message loud and clear. Project your strength and your talents. Tell people, what is that you can, and will do for them, if they go for you.

Most people love and actually fall for the show of emotional intelligence. Try that one, and you won't regret it.

And, yeah. Forget the roomies and their success stories. You are writing your own...

SC

 

[rareboy]

I'm 20 and constantly bitter...i am high maintenance with ADHD...Depression...slight OCD...how the hell am i supposed to find someone that will put up with all this shit...and still meet my likes....i like masculine guys who look straight and talk relatively straight...taller than me...good head on their shoulders quiet....so what the hell is wrong with me...why can't i find this

To begin with, you haven't been waiting 20 years; it has only been about 2 or 3 years. No one under the age of 17 or 18 should be frantically looking for long term emotional and sexual relationships.

But you more or less seem to define yourself as constantly bitter and like many other children these days with diagnosed mental conditions, you seem to present ADHD, depression and high maintenance as givens that everybody else in the world is expected to adapt to. I hate to tell you, but we don't have to. We can just ignore these if we don't have the need to. Harsh, but true.

The reason you don't likely have a boyfriend is that you are making it all about you. You want someone to shoulder the weight, to bitch at, to complain to, to look straight, to meet your likes, to talk straight, taller, quiet, good head on shoulders.

What about you? How do you meet the qualifications for being a good boyfriend?

on the plus i am a very outgoing person...great talker...great listener...spontaneous...love ferocious and live fiercely...i am a great catch but i feel like no one else seems to think so...

If half of what you talk about is bitching and whining, that is probably 48% too much. Are you really a good listener? Or are you always trying to figure out how you can then make the topic about you? Are you spontaneous in a good way or like combustion? Do you just scare the shit out of people by being ferocious and fierce?

Finally, are you looking for love, or just a co-dependent or even a surrogate parent?

Think how much different your plight would appear if you had said that you were looking for someone to love, someone to care for and about, someone to help through their bad times, someone to create good times with.

I think you need to recognize that the afflictions you suffer from can either define your life or you can conciously define what impact they will be permitted to have. I know people who live very successfully with depression and ADHD without ever once waving it like a banner to excuse their behaviour and others who, like you, appear to use it as a defensive mechanism in order to rationalize all their bad behaviour. One assumes you are getting counselling for your problems and that this will help you develop a more positive, even keel approach to daily living.

Once you love yourself and feel that you are the one who is mostly in control of your own life, you probably will become more attractive as bf material yourself.

Along the way, you'll lose the bitterness and envy over the happiness of others, because if you don't you really will end up alone.

 

[KaraBulut]

Wow. You got a really long post out of rareboy. And a good post, at that.

I agree with what he's said.

You've provided a long list of exactly why no one would want to date you.

You're venting in your post and it's apparent that you are frustrated. But from your post, it is clear that you need to work on a lot of your issues before you take on a relationship.

Here's the bottom line for you:

Work on being the person that you would want to date.

 

[G-Lexington]

There was a guy on here not long ago who posted a thread complaining that nobody wanted to date him because he was overweight. "Well, except for other fat guys, and I'm not interested in them." I pick on him simply because he's the most blatant example of a common trait in threads like this.

When THEY say "I'm looking for..." or "I don't want...", THEY're being shallow.

When WE say "I'm looking for..." or "I don't want...", WE're being selective.

Drop the preconceived notions. Go out there and meet people. Don't throw everyone into two boxes - "LTR material" and "reject". Forge some relationships with some coupled gay goys, straight guys, some straight women, some lesbians. Every relationship you have hones your skills, makes you a better social animal, and will make you a better "catch" on the open market. Besides, all those "rejects" probably know some lonely gay guys.

And don't go blaming your roommates for "shoving their relationships in your face". You'd be doing precisely the same if you were the one with the boyfriend.

Lex

 

[socalistud3]

wow...i have to say i am loving all the advice i am getting...and i will be sure to address each and everyone of you about what you have said....i must say Rareboy and Martin6 you too have hit me the hardest...i like what you've said...as for everyone else...i also like what you said and will be taking all of this into account, i have to run off to work tho so i will address this at a later time...

i thank all of you who have taken the time, responded and analyzed what i have said

i take all advice that you all have said as great constructive criticism...thanks a lot guys

Until Later

 

[Kurn]

Experiment: Try going out with someone who ISN't precisely "your type."
That could give you some good insights. ...and maybe more.

 

[fiorio]

don't limit your future bf to a specific type. there are tons of men who could be your bf.

 

[socalistud3]

The reason you don't likely have a boyfriend is that you are making it all about you. You want someone to shoulder the weight, to bitch at, to complain to, to look straight, to meet your likes, to talk straight, taller, quiet, good head on shoulders.

You know what that is very true...it is all about me, and relationships aren't just a one way street, i am too caught up in my own life and what i want and my own misery that i don't care to see anyone else. holy shit i am my roommates...damn it i do it myself.

If half of what you talk about is bitching and whining, that is probably 48% too much. Are you really a good listener? Or are you always trying to figure out how you can then make the topic about you? Are you spontaneous in a good way or like combustion? Do you just scare the shit out of people by being ferocious and fierce?

ya i guess that isn't a very good reason for wanting someone...i mean i can bitch a moan at my friends, wow some of this stuff i never thought of like this. and actuallly sometimes i am trying to make the conversation about me. i am however spontaneous in a good way, i love doing things on a whim. And sad to say yes i do sometimes scare the shit out of people because i can be way to intense.

 

[socalistud3]

Here's the bottom line for you:

Work on being the person that you would want to date.

good point...very good point...definitely gonna try this one out.