Slight Mess.

[qwe549]

I know this is a bit of a mess, and I know what I have to do, I'm just not sure how, and I need to vent it out...

(I'm a VERY VERY mature 24, btw. People call me an "old soul" all the time).
Never was in a relationship before. Never one of those people who "needed" a boyfriend to feel complete, etc. Perfectly ok with being on my own. "The right guy will come along," etc. I was always the "counselor" of my friends and watched them make the same mistakes over and over...

That would never happen to me, right? Well...

Spring of 2010 I meet this guy out of NOWHERE, get to know him really well first, test the waters, see if he's right for me. No rushing. Over a few months as we got to know each other, things got more serious and we were dating. Turned into my first relationship, ended up falling head-over-heels, for him, and I practically came out for him (I'm basically living in a glass closet now).

Things started taking a turn for the worse (his fault, superficial reasons) and he ended up breaking up with me. I know in my heart I never did anything wrong. Never cheated, was always there for him, etc. I'm a good guy. I'm no Abercrombie model, but character-wise, if I'm into you, I'm THERE for you. I'm not ashamed to say so.

Stupid silly me fell for the "it's not you, it's me" speech. "He's bi. He doesn't think he can be with a guy. He's having career problems." At the time, the place he worked for lost their contract, so he wasn't sure if he'd have a job and "didn't have time for a relationship."

He gave me false hope, and said maybe we could pick things up again when he's settled. So, lovestruck me gave him the benefit of the doubt. He had another job a week after his other one ended, and has had it ever since. This was a year and a half ago.

So I've been following him around devoting tons of time and energy into our "friendship." He's become my best friend. TRUE friend who you can tell anything to and know inside and out. I love the guy. But, on the dark side, I fell into a trap where he was a best friend I could spend the night with and fool around with. Kept giving him pieces of my heart and got nothing in return.

The problem lately, and what's become the final straw is: he wouldn't ever acknowledge our relationship. He was so closeted and concerned with giving off this "straight" vibe that I couldn't have any PDA. Not even a normal picture of us together on Facebook (not as a main picture, just on there, even buried in an album) because "someone might think he's gay."

I'm just frustrated because now out of nowhere he's fallen head-over-heels FOR ANOTHER GUY. Another guy who calls him "babe" on Facebook, is always over his place now instead of me. He's told his friends he's bisexual now. Told them he's dating a guy. This coming from someone who was so "closeted" when he was with me and wouldn't DARE even think of being so open. Must not have liked me that much to begin with, huh?

I want out. I want the relationship, friendship, mess, whatever you want to call it, to be over with. I want a clean break so I can "grieve" and heal and move the hell on.

I'm smarter than all of this.

My questions:

So why is it so hard?
Is it wrong to coldly cut off someone who's become such a good friend and a big part of your life?

It hurts to be around him anymore. Friend or not. I feel like he deceived me and clearly gave me false hope. If someone really is crazy about you, they'll want to be with you and not be ashamed of you, right?

It won't hurt or make me upset anymore once I cut things off, get past this and move on from him, right?

Ugh, thanks for letting me vent, guys. Hugs to anyone who read my bullshit. Just feels good to get it out.

 

[maxpowr9]

My questions:

So why is it so hard?
Is it wrong to coldly cut off someone who's become such a good friend and a big part of your life?

For me it isn't hard. After being burned a few times you come to realize who your friends are by learning who initiates everything. If it is always you, it is a one-sided relationship and chances are, the person doesn't care about you much.

It hurts to be around him anymore. Friend or not. I feel like he deceived me and clearly gave me false hope. If someone really is crazy about you, they'll want to be with you and not be ashamed of you, right?

It won't hurt or make me upset anymore once I cut things off, get past this and move on from him, right?

One of my first loves was a bi guy also and he is now "happily" married to a woman. I don't like bashing bi guys as a collective group but they tend to make relationships far more complicated than they need to be. To spite him, I think to myself, "good luck having your wife fuck your ass."
This is also why I would never date a closeted guy. I've said this far too many times but I firmly believe that "you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself". Keep that in your mind when looking for a potential relationship. A closeted guy most likely does not really love himself as they are not comfortable with their sexuality.

As for cutting things off, I say just let the relationship slide into obscurity. Don't initiate any conversations, meetings or w/e. If he does try to contact you, don't ignore it but come off a bit apathetic towards him. No, that doesn't make you a bad person but I think of it as naturally growing apart.

 

[Delphi124]

I agree with maxpowr9. Let the relationship end naturally. But, yeah, as you know, he isn't and won't be into you. And from the sounds of things he was still willing to mess around with you physically even though he knew you liked him. Not a good friend to you, so while it may be hard now, it will be good to be free of him in the long run.

 

[jensu846]

Dont initiate any contact with him and just watch and see how long it is before HE makes any contact with you for something. I'm willing to bet he wont contact you. And the whole Facebook thing, if that happened to me, I would have no problems cutting off ties to a guy that was too ashamed to have a pic posted with you. Clearly he wasnt digging you and/or thought you might have exposed him? either way, sounds like a jerk. sorry. Move on bud!

 

[KaraBulut]

So why is it so hard?
Is it wrong to coldly cut off someone who's become such a good friend and a big part of your life?

It's the wrong question.

The right question is "Why am I putting the needs and wants of a selfish, immature person who won't make a commitment before my own needs?".

It's your behavior that needs to change.

It hurts to be around him anymore. Friend or not. I feel like he deceived me and clearly gave me false hope. If someone really is crazy about you, they'll want to be with you and not be ashamed of you, right?

Who cares what his motivation is? You're looking for a commitment. He's made it clear that he's not ready to make a commitment.

If you are fine with the status quo, then keep things the way they are.

If you're not satisfied with the status quo, then don't waste any more time or energy on someone who can't give you what you want.

It won't hurt or make me upset anymore once I cut things off, get past this and move on from him, right?

When is change easy? Even when it's for you own good, change involves upheaval and leaving something behind.

Eventually, things settle down. And you look back and ask yourself, "What was I thinking and why did I wait so long to make that change?".

 

[qwe549]

Thanks, guys. I totally appreciate the advice. I'm going to let the friendship fizzle out and be done with it.

As cold as it may sound, I can't "be friends" with someone who burned me like that.

I'm a strong person, so I'll be fine, but I just needed to get it all out. Thanks again

 

[Delphi124]

Good luck man, keep strong. Try to meet some new people in the meantime. It would be good to keep yourself occupied with other friends as you transition away from him.

 

[Seasoned]

You will be fine but expect some pain. You will have to work though this if you don't want this to happen over and over again in your life. I'm convinced we all have unseen undercurrents and we attract certain types. Please examine your issues as you walk away from this. It is not enough to say, never again. People tend to fall into the same trap over and over unless they make changes. Co-dependency and low self-esteem are what's usually at play if we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by supposedly loved ones.