So angry at both myself and my boyfriend

[Titanic]

I'm afraid this is another rant, I was trying to keep myself from posting this for fear of attention seeking, but I've caved in.

Well, tonight was quite possibly the worst night of my life, and now I'm faced with a major decision.

My boyfriend, let's call him Greg, has been having a really tough month. Between family issues, work issues and me having only moved in recently, things have been tough for him, and it has reflected on our relationship. Every week or so we'll have a big argument, and he'll threaten to end the relationship. I'm pretty sure that he'd go through with it, but regret it deeply, and probably try to get back in contact. But anyway, things have been reasonably strained.

Now, Greg has a major drinking problem. He is a very social person, and loves going for a pint with a friend, but when he's had that pint he won't stop until he's gone to the scene, danced until 4 in the morning and somehow stumbled home. In the year I've known him he's done a lot of bad things because of the alcohol, especially to me, and I've absorbed everything and picked up the pieces afterwards, because I love him and enjoy living with him, drunken fights and all. But in the past week his problem has been getting worse. Here's how it's gone:

Last Sunday - He went straight from work into town with some friends, and didn't come home through the night. He wouldn't answer my calls, and I was sick with worry. Turns out he'd spent the night at another man's house. He insists they didn't do anything, and I truly believe that even if they did, it wasn't Greg's choice, just the alcohol. I've tried to forgive him for it, or at least think things through.

Monday - He goes out again, the very day after he spent the night with another man. This annoyed the heck out of me. The night was alright, but we had the basic "I hate you, I never want to see you again, give me your house key" fight. (I'll point out that he has locked me out of the house overnight several times now, since it's his house and I am only a guest!)

Tuesday - He didn't go out this day, but I mustered a whole lot of courage to tell him about how upset I was, and how I thought he had a serious alcohol problem. Between drink driving and generally ruining his own life he was heading to an early grave. He apologised and said he'd think about what I said.

Friday - He goes out yet again with friends, comes back at 4 and collapses in a corner, so I have to look after him.

(Now here's the actual bit that upsets me, since I can deal with the alcoholism. Everything before this was context)

Sunday - I had work to do from 9 in the morning to getting back just after midnight. He spent the day with a good friend, and when we chatted in the early afternoon he sounded jolly. I called him again around 6, and though it sounded like he'd had a few pints he still seemed happy. So I keep working, and head for the train station to get home. Calling him on the way got no response, which I thought was odd.

When I finally got home I was really looking forward to a hug after my long day. But then I see that there's no car outside the house. This was very strange, so I tried calling him again, to no avail. I spent the next few hours pacing about the house panicking about whether he was ok, why he wasn't answering my calls, and when he'd get back. Naturally I expected him to be in town getting drunk, but this just made me worry that he'd go home with someone again.

Finally I get to sleep at around 3. An hour or so later I wake up to loud music. I stick on a dressing gown and go downstairs. There he was, drinking in the living room with two young lads whom I'd never seen before. He was surprised to see me, and said he thought I'd be staying over at a friend's house that night. I join the group, obviously afraid that he'd brought these lads home for sex. Long story short, he had. Even with me there protesting that he was my boyfriend, Greg was petting the lads and trying to kiss them. With a lot of effort I manage to keep them apart for the evening. I spent the whole night awake, and the lads left in the morning. Greg and I haven't spoken about it yet, he's been avoiding me all day.

I know what he did was majorly wrong, I won't defend that. The thing is, I really love this man, but he's completely destroyed my trust in him. I don't think he would do that under normal conditions, I believe that the alcohol has a Jekyll and Hyde effect on him, but it's still horrible that he tried to cheat on me. At the moment I'm still hoping in my naive way that we'll somehow work this out, and stay as a couple, but it's hard to stay optimistic. The worst part is that in two days' time I'm leaving the area for a few weeks. If I can't trust him for one night, how can he be good for two or three weeks?


I appreciate the time anyone took to read this all. I'm not really certain what I'm looking for, as I'm sure you'll all tell me to grow a backbone and leave him, but I really need to stress that we have no problems when he hasn't drunk. What I'm trying to decide is whether I can really take this as cheating if he wasn't in his right mind. On top of that, can cheating be forgiven?

Thanks all, staying optimistic for now.

 

[nguypete]

Here's the short answer: Love doesn't conquer all.

Here's the long answer: This doesn't seem like a healthy relationship at all, but again I'm the outsider looking in and only from your perspective. It sounds to me that he might not know his limits when it comes to drinking... and you should know your limits after your sophomore year of college.

I'd say, sit him down and discuss the consequences of his actions and suggest couple's counseling -- at this point, it can't hurt because apparently he's threatening you with ending the relationship on a weekly basis. If he doesn't make the effort, end the relationship. I know it sucks but it has to happen for your own sanity and health.

Now if it comes to that point, realize this... lovers, like friends, may not meant to be with you forever. They may share the same road with you for a period of time, and for whatever reason go a different direction. That does not mean what you felt wasn't real, or that your love wasn't true. They were right for you, at that time, when it worked and now it doesn't. It's not necessarily a bad thing, they may have been there to help you grow or to guide you in a new direction where that person you're meant to be with is awaiting you. They may even come back and share the road with you, just realize that not everyone you become intimate with (emotionally & physically) is meant to be in your life forever.

Learn that... and it will save you lots of heartache.

 

[MarkMySpoT]

being drunk is not an excuse. ones chooses to get drunk. hence they are responsible for their actions when drunk. i think alcoholism is a problem even when one is sober. just take care of yourself and seek comfort from a trusted friend.

 

[slnattak]

I've been there. Not your specific issue, but I've loved guys who had some interesting issues and were 'bad boys.' I couldn't help it. I have a big heart and I feel sorry for the 'losers' and the people that society neglects. I'm an artist of sorts, and I understand that very few humans are totally evil, most of them were hurt and were lashing out, and I struggled to understand them - but unless they are seriously considered changing themselves, it's not worth it I learned. He has to be selfish enough to care for himself to be in a relationship. Weird how that works...

What you got going on here is codependency. Now, we all need other people around usually to feel happy and satisfied. That's not what being codependent means. But in codependent relationships, one person likes to enable and 'save' somebody from something that they can only do themselves: Help themselves. You can't make him not be a drunk, only he can do that, and of course you know this intellectually.

And that isn't love, really, it's possessiveness, it's control, it's a deep rooted insecurity masked as something else, because the only way people learn is on their own and for themselves. Sure we can help each other long, but as long as you're a 'fixer upper' you can't be in an EQUAL romantic, loving, healthy relationship with him. It's just how it works for everybody and you're no different. That's why it's ethically wrong to date a therapist: the power imbalance. As long as you're this dude's codependent 'fixer upper' and not his boyfriend, you can't enjoy each other.

 

[slnattak]

In codependent relationships, the person who does favors for the other person, is expecting that the other person will love him back but usually what happens is the person will grow too comfortable, and resent that person, and not respect them- and it will be more like, a mother treating a son instead of two adults.

You would benefit a lot from PAC therapy, OP. Basically it sounds like you and your partner are in an unequal 'Parent' and 'Child' relationship that seems complementary (and it is, superficially) but in truth it is actually a clash. No issues are present as long as two people act like adults.

I don't think you should break up with him yet, relationships can be worked out if you both really want to. It's sort of charming and soap opera romantic-ish to see things through like that. I understand that. But you have to be willing to look at the reality. I think you're on your way though.

It's hard in life if you have a big heart. You just want to save the world, right yeah? I'm doing it to you now lol. Remember though that we all like each other when we're just enjoying each other's company instead of advice giving.

 

[Nomenclature]

Here's the short answer: Love doesn't conquer all.

being drunk is not an excuse.

Two very good pieces of advice here.

 

[anchihiro]

I'm sorry but he's already cheated on you. You just don't know it yet.

You're a doormat to him too. He doesnt respect you, and things will only get worse if you continue down this path.
You need to gather your belongings(including your self esteem), leave your key, and go back to your own place, block his number and whatever else and DUMP HIM!

You're worth better.

But what's sad is that someone willing to put up with another who is constantly drunk, ignores you, sleeps with other men behind your back etc, and in the morning will blame it on the alcohol because he knows you'll accept his behaviour everytime,
....well i think we all know you'll just continue to be abused.

Oh and you might want to get yourself down to the gum clinic too.

 

[TX-Beau]

Your choice. Stay or go.


Frankly your problem is with yourself and how much shit you're willing to take. He will push the line until you stop putting up with it, then it will end.

Or you'll put up with it forever and it'll destroy your self esteem. This guy is not mature enough, or in control enough to make a relationship work. That's obvious from what you posted. You can't make him go there, you can't change that. You can only decide what you are willing to do with that.

"but I love him..." do you? Who is he? He's a heavy drinking party boy who doesn't seem to have any concept of monogamy or consideration. OK, fine, that's who he is, is that who you love? Do you love him, or some idea of how he's supposed to be in your head?

"But he's not like that all the time..." He's like that enough that it's getting to be a major problem.

Abusers (substance/physical/mental) always apologize, they always do. Why? So you'll keep putting up with the abuse.

Where does that take you.

This guy does not sound like he want's to be in a relationship. The fact that he keeps telling you to leave means that's already in his mind. Don't try and fix him, you can't - don't analyze his issues - you can't fix that either, and he'll just resent you for it. You need to worry about you first.

Get out before you go down with the ship. You can be his friend, from a safe distance. If he ever grows up (as an ex heavy drinking party boy I can tell you it does happen) then you can date him.

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW, telling a substance abuser that he has a problem gets you nowhere unless he's willing to hear it. Which means it's pointless unless he brings it up first.

Pushing that line of argument will just make things worse, until he want's to change, and decides to go there himself.

You aren't his parent, you have no authority over him, if you fall into the trap of acting like you are his parent, and you do have authority over him, he will not react well, and you'll just make things worse.

Worry about yourself and your stability.

And please, stop pacing the floor, you know where he is and what he's up to.

 

[midnight81]

You need to re-read your own post and pretend it is someone else writing it. I don't think you even realize this, but you're in an abusive relationship. And you're not only LETTING your boyfriend abuse you (emotionally and, from what you've said, it sounds like verbally as well) but you are making EXCUSES for his behavior. Excuses he's not even making for himself.

The man has a substance abuse problem, which won't fix itself and won't be something you can fix. It will consume the both of you until you leave for your own benefit and he hits rock bottom and gets help. You can't force help on him - he needs to seek it out for himself. You enabling him by excusing his behavior and letting him walk all over you is not going to help him realize this any faster.

And that's just what I was thinking BEFORE you described what happened on Sunday. It's obvious that your boyfriend is also cheating on you, which means he's not only betraying you and emotionally abusing you, but also endangering your health and safety by exposing you to STDs/STIs and HIV.

I agree with others that you may have developed a codependency with this man, but YOU have to be the one to break free of this.

You may love him, but you have to learn to love yourself more. You have to be ok with being without him and being alone because being alone is healthier and less destructive than being with a man who cheats on you, makes you worry about his whereabouts on a near-daily basis, locks you out of your own home, makes you feel like a guest in your own home, etc.

You know what you have to do. You just don't want to do it and you're fighting it. Stop fighting what you know is true and just rip the bandaid off in one swipe. It'll hurt a lot less.

 

[racer2438]

You already know the answer to this, you really do..

It is in your gut and tearing at you this whole time.

It's just if you want to go through with it and do whats right for you.

Bf's come and go, but bottom line is you have take care of your self first b4 you can take care of someone else..

Time to move on...

 

[Titanic]

First off, thanks for your advice guys, you've already been extremely helpful.

What you got going on here is codependency. Now, we all need other people around usually to feel happy and satisfied. That's not what being codependent means. But in codependent relationships, one person likes to enable and 'save' somebody from something that they can only do themselves: Help themselves. You can't make him not be a drunk, only he can do that, and of course you know this intellectually.

Thank you for this, I've done some brief research into codependency and it does seem to describe what's going on here. I'm just that sort of person that tries to please, and have others pleased with me, which is apparently down to low self-esteem. I'll have a closer look into it - I'm interested in whether this is a characteristic of the relationship, or one that I will carry into any relationship.

In codependent relationships, the person who does favors for the other person, is expecting that the other person will love him back but usually what happens is the person will grow too comfortable, and resent that person, and not respect them- and it will be more like, a mother treating a son instead of two adults.

You would benefit a lot from PAC therapy, OP. Basically it sounds like you and your partner are in an unequal 'Parent' and 'Child' relationship that seems complementary (and it is, superficially) but in truth it is actually a clash. No issues are present as long as two people act like adults.

It's hard in life if you have a big heart. You just want to save the world, right yeah? I'm doing it to you now lol. Remember though that we all like each other when we're just enjoying each other's company instead of advice giving.

I think I agree with your first paragraph, I've felt for a while that some of the things I do would be considered romantic or sweet by most people, but to Greg they're just things that are expected of a boyfriend. I remember being annoyed a while ago because I was listing things I did to show my love, such as writing poetry or frequently complimenting him, and Greg merely went through my list going "normal... normal... you don't do that enough... I never asked you to do that in the first place... normal". I don't want to sound oblivious, I know full well that that example doesn't suggest a healthy relationship, it's something I'm thinking about a lot.

It's interesting that you mention Parent and Child Therapy. I'm in a may-december relationship, with me the younger by a considerable way, so it's funny that in this respect I come off as the parent and him as the child.

And yeah, that big heart stuff does apply to me. I'll be the person who goes out of their way to help others, even to my own detriment. It's a bit sad when it comes back to kick you in the backside, but oh well.

You're a doormat to him too. He doesnt respect you, and things will only get worse if you continue down this path.
You need to gather your belongings(including your self esteem), leave your key, and go back to your own place, block his number and whatever else and DUMP HIM!

You're worth better.

But what's sad is that someone willing to put up with another who is constantly drunk, ignores you, sleeps with other men behind your back etc, and in the morning will blame it on the alcohol because he knows you'll accept his behaviour everytime,
....well i think we all know you'll just continue to be abused.

Don't get me wrong buddy, I'm not going to lay down and take abuse when it's happening so blatantly. It's only been in the past few days that it's been a problem, before then I was getting as much benefit as detriment in the relationship.

Frankly your problem is with yourself and how much shit you're willing to take. He will push the line until you stop putting up with it, then it will end.

Or you'll put up with it forever and it'll destroy your self esteem. This guy is not mature enough, or in control enough to make a relationship work. That's obvious from what you posted. You can't make him go there, you can't change that. You can only decide what you are willing to do with that.

"but I love him..." do you? Who is he? He's a heavy drinking party boy who doesn't seem to have any concept of monogamy or consideration. OK, fine, that's who he is, is that who you love? Do you love him, or some idea of how he's supposed to be in your head?

"But he's not like that all the time..." He's like that enough that it's getting to be a major problem.

Abusers (substance/physical/mental) always apologize, they always do. Why? So you'll keep putting up with the abuse.

Where does that take you.

This guy does not sound like he want's to be in a relationship. The fact that he keeps telling you to leave means that's already in his mind. Don't try and fix him, you can't - don't analyze his issues - you can't fix that either, and he'll just resent you for it. You need to worry about you first.

Get out before you go down with the ship. You can be his friend, from a safe distance. If he ever grows up (as an ex heavy drinking party boy I can tell you it does happen) then you can date him.

I love him when he's sober. As I've said, it's like a Jekyll and Hyde effect - I love Jekyll, I don't love Hyde (hope that's the right way round!). I'm hoping that with some counselling and general thought, I'll see a lot less of Hyde.

See, I would put the relationship on pause right now if I felt there was any chance to go back to it, but I think I'd really struggle going back to a relationship once it's stopped. I'll admit that it's worth thinking about though. The thing is, I'll be moving away for 3 weeks now. If I put the relationship on hold while I'm away then he's free to sleep with other men, something I'm certain he'd do, and the thought of me coming back after that is really horrible. I'd also have my hangups - I tend to try to get over people really quickly and move on, so I usually start putting myself back into the gay community after a few weeks.

BTW, telling a substance abuser that he has a problem gets you nowhere unless he's willing to hear it. Which means it's pointless unless he brings it up first.

Pushing that line of argument will just make things worse, until he want's to change, and decides to go there himself.

You aren't his parent, you have no authority over him, if you fall into the trap of acting like you are his parent, and you do have authority over him, he will not react well, and you'll just make things worse.

Worry about yourself and your stability.

And please, stop pacing the floor, you know where he is and what he's up to.

It's funny, it's taken all my power today to not phone up his mother to tell her about everything, but I'm aware that this is just vengeance and wouldn't help matters.

Aye, stability is an interesting word to use. It feels quite appropriate right now.

We've spoken about it now, and there will be more speaking later. I haven't reached any conclusions yet, I've still got a lot of thinking to do.

 

[rareboy]

Oh good Lord...

No excuses. Run as fast as you can.

Because otherwise it sounds like you are just desperate to get sucked into this dysfunctional vortex.

Tell him to get sober before he comes back to you. Give him the number of AA.

If you're as important as you think you are, he'll straighten out. If he loves booze more than you, then he'll never sort himself out, but you can't let the life of an addict define you and dictate your life.

 

[palemale]

I agree with rareboy. Go and don't look back. It seems to me there is only one possible outcome to this story. You will leave him and look back with regret at the period of your life you wasted with this loser. The longer that period is, the stronger your sense of regret.

It's time to move on. You can't help him, and he can only drag you down. Indeed, you would do him a favor if you left. Just tell him he is ruining his life, but he will have to do it without you because you aren't going to ruin yous. Who knows, it might even be the wake up call he needs to pull his life together.

 

[TX-Beau]

I love him when he's sober. As I've said, it's like a Jekyll and Hyde effect - I love Jekyll, I don't love Hyde (hope that's the right way round!). I'm hoping that with some counselling and general thought, I'll see a lot less of Hyde.

See, I would put the relationship on pause right now if I felt there was any chance to go back to it, but I think I'd really struggle going back to a relationship once it's stopped. I'll admit that it's worth thinking about though. The thing is, I'll be moving away for 3 weeks now. If I put the relationship on hold while I'm away then he's free to sleep with other men, something I'm certain he'd do, and the thought of me coming back after that is really horrible. I'd also have my hangups - I tend to try to get over people really quickly and move on, so I usually start putting myself back into the gay community after a few weeks.

I'm from Texas, so I'm going to deploy a "sugar."

SUGAR, he's already fucking other men - you saw this yourself, and he's not two guys. The nice one and the drunk asshole. He's one guy who gets drunk a lot, loses control a lot, comes home with strange men and paws them right in front of you, then tells you to get out.

Inhibitions lowered, what comes out is what's really there under the sober.

Alcohol doesn't make you invent shit. It just lets you to say and do what you're thinking anyway, usually in the worst way possible.

AND - if you know that if you "took a break," you wouldn't come back, why are you still there. There is no virtue in continuing in a bad situation because if you left, you'd leave - and what you have is a bad situation.

Do you see the strangeness of that argument? If there's no reason for you to come back, what reason is there to stay?

...obviously afraid that he'd brought these lads home for sex. Long story short, he had. Even with me there protesting that he was my boyfriend, Greg was petting the lads and trying to kiss them. With a lot of effort I manage to keep them apart for the evening...

I find it a little strange that you won't "pause," because lets-call-him-Greg will fuck around if you do; but you'll stay when he's tried to cheat right in front of your face.

Does that make any sense?

...I won't break up because if I do he'll be whoring in no time, and I know this because he was whoring right in front of me...

?

Can you understand how that sounds like excuses for his behavior? You know, you say you won’t defend his behavior, and then you do.

Look it's your life, and your choices. Maybe there's some other reason you've got for staying with this guy, maybe you think this isn't a deal breaker, your choices, your consequences.

But at least consider this, you aren't looking out for your own best interest here. Substance abuse always escalates - quite frequently turning into physical/mental abuse on the way to rock bottom, and if you're not thinking of self preservation first, you'll be along for the ride.

 

[Georgiadude]

For the love of God why would you stay in this mess? Yes. I understand you love him but he treats you like the scum of the earth. He does not respect you in the least. He flaunts his infidelity right in front of you. He talks to you as if you were a stranger, not a lover. The guy is the biggest jerk on the planet. What is there to love? The verbal and emotional abuse are bad enough. The physical abuse isn't far behind. Your not only putting up with his behavior. Your making excuses for it. "it's the alcohol." NO IT'S NOT. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater. Do you want to spend your entire life wondering where he is and who he's with? A relationship without trust is not a relationship. Your playing house with a jackass. If you moved in together it is supposed to both of your homes. You aren't a "guest". I've never heard of such a thing. He no more loves you than he loves the boys he brought home the other night. No doubt in my mind he was stepping out the night he didn't come home.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but my God man. Open your eyes and look around. If it was your brother or sister in this mess what would you tell them? Step back and look at your life. Your allowing yourself to be treated like the dirt under his shoes. That's not love. It's abuse. Run, don't walk, run away from this like a scared rabbit. After you have cut off contact get some counseling. Your self esteem is in dire need of help. One day you will find true love and be happy. YOU deserve better. He does not deserve to have you in his life. He's a lousy, mean, cheating drunk.

Steven.

 

[rotary]

I can't believe you stayed up all night keeping your boyfriend separated from another guy so they wouldn't sleep together. I also can't believe you stuck around after that happened. It's clear you lack self esteem, but you need to move out and work on loving yourself before taking care of some loser who disrespects you. He won't change for himself, and he won't change for you.

 

[Blueboy369]

Walk away from this bad situation. You can still remain friends but you shouldn't wast any more time on someone who does not want to be in a real relationship.

 

[Puzuzzu]

Dump the moron..dude we was going to cheat on you..wtf?

 

[HockeyGuy89]

I'm sure you'll all tell me to grow a backbone and leave him, but I really need to stress that we have no problems when he hasn't drunk. What I'm trying to decide is whether I can really take this as cheating if he wasn't in his right mind. On top of that, can cheating be forgiven?

I believe you answered your own question here.
Leave him and set yourself free.
I'm sure he won't give a crap if you go.