So hurt...

[T2SOptomistic]

Hi everyone,

I am a 23 year old who is in a relationship with a 64 year old. We've known each other for over 2 years and have been in an official, exclusive relationship for almost 6 months now. Although it seems more than that since our friendship started over 2 years ago...

Please, no bashing for the age difference, unless it is relevant criticism to the topic.

When we started our relationship, he had just gotten dumped by his previous boyfriend. We started seeing each other quite often and had a sexual relationship then for a couple of months until he wanted to make it exclusive. I was a bit weary about this because he was very sad about his last relationship and I kind of thought he was rushing things for himself, but my feelings for him were very strong, too, and selfishness got in the way of logic and I allowed myself to move in with him.

Our relationship started off great; we would go out and do a lot of things together. However, every now and then he'd have a small break down about his former boyfriend. This hurt my feelings a lot, but I understood his last relationship ended against his wishes and that things were rushed between us, but I was willing to stick things out, support him, and be there for him as we continued to develop our relationship.

I never really felt like he was as into this relationship as I was. We would assure me he loved me, but I never felt he was into this 100%. He'd still chat with men on dating sites and assured me that he just liked to talk to other gay men and make friends, but this was still a little unsettling to me. The men on those sites flirted with him all the time and it made me a little uncomfortable.

He also never really seemed very enthusiastic about us as partners. I remember how excited he was when he was in his last relationship (keep in mind we were friends for a while before we started our relationship); they'd go out and do a lot of things together and he just seemed proud to have that man in his life.

With me, he never did that. We started doing less and less together; and rarely did he tell anyone else he was in a relationship with someone now. He started up some home projects of his own and is also focused on his work that in the past month we've hit kind of a "rut" in our relationship; I usually only see him when he comes home at night now, or when he's around the house, he's too busy working on his projects.

I sat him down several times explaining my concerns about this relationship and gave him permission to break it off with me if he didn't feel like it was working. I was ALWAYS honest with him about my feelings and my concerns and expected him to be, too. He assured me he wants to be with me and wants to spend his life with me.

I am going away to grad school next year and brought up concerns about that, and he assured me he'd come with me because he was not ready to lose me. He insisted that he wanted us to build our lives together, despite our relationship kind of turning into a dud the past month and him continuing to chat with other men on dating sites.

Well, two nights ago he sat down with me with a smile on his face and talked about him moving with me to grad school. I was starting to really think he was getting back into this relationship and we could get back to how we were. I was very excited about our future together and realize all relationships have its rough patches and figured in time the passion in our relationship would take off again. My passion for him never died; our relationship just simmered for a bit.

But then last night, he comes home and is in a great mood. I decide to take him out to dinner, where he drops a bomb on me. He wants to break up with me, and doesn't even seem upset at all. I was very shocked and asked him what brought him to this conclusion, to where he responded he just didn't see us having a life together.

I asked him if there was somebody else, or if he felt I was holding him back from anything. I assured him if there was somebody else, it would be okay, I can't be mad at him for developing feelings for someone else, but he assured me there was no one else and he had no interest in anyone else.

He told me that he feels his feelings are disconnected with him after his painful break up before we got together, and I deserve someone who can give me 100%. He told me he's gone into self protection mode and therefore keeps his feelings hidden from even himself. I told him I'm wiling to be there for him and help him reconnect his feelings with himself, to where he told me he wants to sleep on it and think about his for a while. This talk was a couple of hours long, keep in mind, so he wasn't being short or rude about this.

Anyway, this morning I take him our for breakfast and for a walk so we can talk more. He confirms he thinks it's best to break up. I wish I could have just said "okay", but I couldn't. I felt like this all came out of nowhere, especially after just a couple days ago he was reassuring me how he wants to move with me and spend our lives together. I told him something had to have happened between 2 days ago and yesterday when he broke up with me, and he finally admitted, he saw a psychic yesterday, who told him he needs to break up with me.

I was VERY hurt by this, that he was letting a 3rd party who he doesn't even know tell him to break up with me. I let him know this hurt me a lot and he told me that the psychic just touched on feelings and thoughts that he hasn't been able to bring to the surface. I asked him about all the other times I talked to him about any concerns with our relationship and why he said everything was great when it apparently wasn't, to which he told me that he himself has trouble acknowledging his feelings.

I couldn't help it and I broke down in the car. I just didn't understand this; it all came so fast. He did say he was afraid of losing me forever and wasn't sure if he was making the biggest mistake of his life. I told him the answer is clear he wants to break up though, because he wasn't upset at all about breaking up with me and if he really didn't want to break up, he would have tried to work it out with me, or at least TALK to me about his feelings before he pulled the trigger.

Eventually he came to the conclusion that he wants to give our relationship another chance, perhaps put it on hold for a bit and talk more tonight about how we progress.

I'm not sure if it's even worth it anymore, though. To me, it seems clear he was over me and willing to break up with me. Should it end up he really wants to give our relationship a chance, should I give it a chance? Or have his actions shown that this relationship is doomed?

 

[TX-Beau]

Walk, you're rebound guy - and you deserve better.

 

[Rolyo85]

I will only say this - if you are half as attractive as you are understanding, considerate and sensitive, you should have legions of guys who'd kill to be with you. Whether the age gap is your thing, or just the way it turned out in this particular case, is irrelevant, although I tend to think people with such a big difference in age just live in too different places to properly connect. But he has been abusing you emotionally, even if you are not aware of it (and probably he wasn't either). And as TX-BEau said, you've been rebound guy. You don't want to be rebound guy, and you deserve to not be rebound guy.

I know it's hard when you have feelings for them, but I would urge you to just walk away at this point.


Plus, a PSYCHIC told him to dump you for fuck's sake!

 

[sixthson]

You told him you would be OK if he fell for someone else?
I don't get that. How can you be ok if the person you love, loves someone else? You are toooo understanding, to say the least.

Anyway, everything else you said indicated he was still into someone else and not you. This is not a healthy relationship for you.

 

[Seasoned]

You will be starting a new life as you move on to go to graduate school. Get ready now by moving on and starting a new life. This guy is making the biggest mistake in his life, but you need someone who will be there for you. You will not be able to devote as much time to your studies as you will need to if you try to make this relationship work.

I wish you a nice, clean break.

 

[T2SOptomistic]

*sigh* I was hoping I wasn't the rebound guy; I acknowledged that possibility with him several times, but the fact that we had a very close friendship for a couple years before this I felt the likelihood of this might have been less.

You told him you would be OK if he fell for someone else?
I don't get that. How can you be ok if the person you love, loves someone else? You are toooo understanding, to say the least.

Anyway, everything else you said indicated he was still into someone else and not you. This is not a healthy relationship for you.

I told him I can't be mad at him if he falls for someone else. I mean, we really can't help our feelings for people; I've developed crushes on people I wish I hadn't. If he happened to fall for someone else in his life, it's not his fault. It just happens.

I asked him about his former boyfriend last night. He assured me he is over him now, but his feelings are still damaged from the break up. I really am hoping he's giving me honest answers; he is a very caring individual who doesn't like to hurt people, so I do have a fear he might be hiding more to protect my feelings. I've made it clear that being honest is the best way to protect my feelings, even if the truth hurts.

Thanks for the responses, guys.

 

[terry61_99]

You sound like a great guy! The kind of guy I have been searching for! You deserve someone as warm and loving as you seem to be! Use this as one of lifes lessons and move on, someone special is out there for you, I wish it was me!! Good luck and please keep us posted...we care! PM me if you want!

 

[MoltenRock III]

Time to move on. Get to grad school, keep your chin up, and you'll meet someone great when it's time. You deserve better!

 

[Newmercedes]

DUMP HIM. You are too young and too good for him. He doesn't know what he is missing there. With his age I believe he not gonna find any young, nice guys like you . U deserve wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better. If I were you Im not sadddddddddddddddddddd at all.

 

[Dodger712]

While I am a fan of Tarot cards and psychics, I am not going to allow them to dominate how I live my life. I agree with several of my brothers above. WALK. You are young and can do better. You are not a pint of Haagan Daz for comfort. Being "rebound boy" is not a healthy foundation for a relationship. Perhaps for "friends with benefits" but not a mature relationship. I envy him though. At almost 50 and as part of a subculture that values YOUTH and LOOKS above all else at times, I'd almost kill to have a 23 year old in my bed. HOWEVER, it took me over 15 years after I got burned in my last relationship to have the balls to put myself out there and be willing to try and be vulnerable enough to be viable to someone else. Haven't found him yet. He needs to heal and you need to move on and have your life. He has lived his "gay youth" already. Done the bars and the partying, and tasted all the pleasures he was curious to sample. Go do that! And I wish you luck, a long life, and ask that you play safe. Find that true prince that is meant for you to be with and build a life with. Hugs and best wishes.

 

[rareboy]

At the age of 64, it is much harder to see oneself in a stable long term relationship with a man 40 years younger.

I have to imagine that this is very complicated for him. He has doubts that investing in an LTR may not end in him not getting hurt again. It is rather like investing. As the years go by, you realize that your opportunities to recoup losses are diminished simply by the number of years you have left.

He apparently doesn't want to risk this.

He may even be doing it for unselfish reasons, recognizing that he doesn't want to tie down someone as he ages.

Be friends. Accept the break-up. You have time to recover, God willing.

 

[anchihiro]

Walk, you're rebound guy - and you deserve better.

^^^ This, completely.

 

[altlover85]

While I am a fan of Tarot cards and psychics, I am not going to allow them to dominate how I live my life.

I totally agree.

I think he was looking for a third party to validate what he was feeling and when the psychic did that it gave him the courage to move on. Then when you talked to him, T2SOptomistic, he got nervous, so he's saying what you want to hear.

If I were you I'd move on.

 

[Rand]

T2S,

I agree with above, leave so you might retain friendship. Go look for another that invests in you as much as you invest in them. Look for someone who cares for you as much as you care for them. Look for a reciprocal relationship.

As Rolyo85 said, you sound like a fantastic person and one I'd like for a friend. I'm sure there are others. Go build a future.

best of luck,
Rand