So I came out of the closet and went back in...

[lambja22]

So, this is my first post on here, and I thought I would start by asking for some advice. I came out a couple of years ago, simply by accident (I was drunk, and I told my ex-girlfriend.) Within a month, everyone knew, including my mom. Everyone was fine with it, but she treated me differently like it was a complete surprise. I eventually talked myself into being "straight" again, and told everyone that I lied about being gay to get rid of an ex-girlfriend.

I am still very much gay, and I feel like I am missing out on so much, but I am afraid to come out again because I feel like it will hurt a lot more people this time. Does anyone have some advice for me, or possibly a similar situation?

 

[midnight81]

Just do it. The sooner you get it over with, the sooner everyone will start to recover from it and get over it and it will just be a normal part of your life that nobody cares about. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be when you finally do come out and the people close to you will feel even worse about "being lied to."

 

[bankside]

Hi.

I'm pretty sure no one believed you when you said you were lying about being gay. People have those kinds of reasons immediately if that is actually the case. But if weeks or months go by and then they hear that you were just trying to give a cold shoulder to an ex-girlfriend, I doubt they would have a hard time seeing through that.

The real issue is not coming out, but why were they not more supportive? That is disappointing... You need to balance not hurting people with the truth, with their need to get over it and be supportive.

When you went back into the closet did you start dating a woman? That would complicate things.

 

[treanir]

Come out again. This time it will be a lot easier, because they've already heard it once (and may or may not believe your retraction).

With regards to your mother... there's a chance she just needs some time to get used to the idea. It was a big shock for her. Chances are she'll come around.

 

[rareboy]

I eventually talked myself into being "straight" again, and told everyone that I lied about being gay to get rid of an ex-girlfriend.

Just tell everyone you also are a liar. Because you have really huge issues about how they are going to treat you and that you're afraid that they might not love you anymore.

And put it in writing and tell them there aren't any takebacks this time.

 

[slnattak]

Hmm. But you'll only confuse people again if you say you were lying. I'd wait it out a few more years and get comfortable with yourself first.

Other people really don't matter. I mean I'm not encouraging narcissism but as for your homosexuality, you yourself being comfortable with it is really all that matters.

 

[alley]

I didn't think you have to re-announce that you are gay.

How about just living your life out in the open?


Your family probably knows or assumes that you really are gay--you have to at some point start to live for yourself.(I took way too long to do this) And the fact that it would hurt your Mother or another family member is an issue that they really have to work out on their own. If they truly never suspected then they have their own "coming out" process to come to terms with it as well.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Lambja,

First of all welcome to JUB!!

Mate, the pressure of others expectations, the fear of hurting others... theres a lot of reasons that sometimes we want to take back coming out... its just you took it a little further than the rest of us.

And perhaps in a way that might work to your advantage.

Tell the people you really care about first... and them only. Like family and very close friends. Explain to them your fears, that you were scared and simply not ready to face that part of you life. I can promise you mate that if you deal with this with honesty and integrity those who care for you will understand and accept you without question.

Just be in control this time... its your opportunity to be upfront and open. And when it happens on your terms you'll see that you can explain and talk it through with people that the fear you once felt will be gone.

 

[TX-Beau]

I got outed in almost that exact situation. I was being hounded by this relentless chick in college, so I thought if I told her I was gay, she’d back off, telling myself all the while that I could pass it off by telling everyone else that I just said that to get rid of her.

Well once the gay is out of the bag, there’s no going back. No one believed I wasn’t gay really, and in retrospect, I probably did that to myself because I was fed up with living the lie in the first place.

So after a few pretty wretched months of confusion on everyone’s part, I just fessed up. I lost some friends over this, they said they didn’t appreciate me lying to them, which is probably true as far as it went, but of course the real reason was the gay thing.

Coming out is a process, even after I took the plunge it was years before I was completely comfortable in my own skin. Telling people is just the first step, that doesn’t immediately resolve all the issues we might have with ourselves. But take heart, and fess up, because you’ll never excise your own demons, and be at peace with yourself unless you come clean.

Think of it as a fresh start. Everything before is before, and from this point on, no more hiding.

(edit: btw, you don't have to do this all at once, tell people as the subject comes up. the less drama you inject into telling people the less problems you'll have. Just be as matter of fact and honest as possible.)

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

As others have said, people tend not to come out just ditch girlfriends. And even if they do, they don't keep the lie going. They don't think "Well, I'll go ahead and tell Mom I'm gay even though I'm not, because I sure don't want Krissy finding out I was lying." My guess is most people don't believe your retraction. They may have gone "oh OK" to help ease you through your panic, but I'm guessing most are at least seriously doubting your claims to straighthood.

So what do you do? I'd say not bother. Just start living as gay. Go looking for a boyfriend, tell your friends you're looking for a boyfriend, and when you find one, introduce him to your friends and family as your boyfriend. I doubt you'll get as many betrayed looks as you might think you'll get.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Something else you might want to think about. When we’re in the closet we tend to try and convince ourselves that no one knows - but no matter how butch you might be, we give ourselves away in a thousand and one tiny little ways. Now someone who doesn’t know you very well might not see it, but the people who do usually have some suspicion lingering in the back of their minds. They might not want to recognize the shape of their suspicions, especially if someone has a stake in you being straight, but the suspicion is usually there. It’s probable that they’re just not pushing the issue, but think you’re gay no matter what you say.

 

[lambja22]

Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it. Just to add to the mess I put myself in, after I said I was actually straight, I started dating a girl who I dated once before. We have been best friends since Graduation, so like 7 years. She was also the girl I came out to when I was drunk. So I told her I lied about being gay, she seemed to shrug it off, and we dated for six months! That was over 2 years ago, and I am afraid of coming out to her, because I think she will be hurt by the lying. She actually said she was in love with me, so I feel like it would be devastating for her. Any thoughts? And yes, I realize how fucked up this is.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, you're not dating her now, right? Are you still friends? Then she wants you to be happy, right? And if that involves dating a guy now, more power to you, right?

I honestly don't think it'll be as devastating as all that. She may have been in love with you once, but once you broke up with her, she probably assumed it wasn't gonna happen...

Lex

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

My family is very devout Catholic and my mother to this day is deluding herself into believing that I am merely just going through a phase. 4 years later, I'm still waiting for it to be better "in the long run." It's great with friends, as they've come to realize that what I said is not just a joke and is real. Yet for my mom it's something entirely different. I wish I could be the son she wanted, but we get what we get in real life.

Moral of the story still remains: Be honest, and that way, you don't have to worry or remember past lies.

I wish you the best either way.

 

[rareboy]

I have to agree with Lex, of course. If you're not dating the girl now, she hardly can have the right to be hurt about something that happened two years ago.

I think that your best out, as it were, is to explain to people who might ask about your out again, in again, out again revolving closet door that you were not sure or necessarily willing to accept that you were gay, but now you have and are comfortable with the person you are and not trying to be the person that straight society demands you be.

 

[penispleasure]

i had a similar situation
i decided to come out to my mum, and i did
she didn't like it at all
so i went out with mates that night, really depressed
and pulled my ex-girlfriend
my parents found out about this and now genuinely believe i'm straight
but i'm far from it
i've decided not to tell anyone this time
it's got nothing to do with anyone
if i want to tell someone, i will .. like my 2 best mates, who have supported me so much through all of it
if others find out, then so be it
but other than that, i'm keeping quiet

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

Although Ghost of Molten Rock's sentiment may be true for him, it's not a universal! Sounds to me like he's a Jehovah's Witness and needs everybody to believe like he believes. You come out when you are ready ... and not a nano-second before!

 

[spencer]

quit defining yourself and just be. just date who you want, when you want, no explanations and no updates to friends and family. no one is keeping score.

 

[lambja22]

Thanks again for all of the advice. I think I have decided to just move on with my life, and when people find out or question me about my relationships, I will tell them. I guess there is really no immediate reason to make a big dramatic announcement. I am leaving on a backpacking trip to OZ, so maybe that will be the place to start. I think that before I can expect people to be comfortable with my choices, I have to be comfortable with my choices. My friends and family can find out when I get back. Thanks again!

 

[tallguy297]

Good call mate... ultimately the best thing to do is what you feel is right for you, and the choice that makes you ost comfortable for dealing with the situation.

And you are very right about others being comfortable when you are... if its not a big deal for you it wont be for them either.

Oh...and good luck with your trip down here... I'm sure you'll have a blast mate!