So, I've told a couple people...

[jaydeec]

Sorry this ended up being so long

Last week was both a horrifying experience and a huge relief. I have been thinking of coming out for a loooong time now but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I finally told someone early last week and he helped me work up the courage to tell my sister and eventually my mom.

The first person I told was a friend from highschool. We keep in touch and talk nearly every day but he lives in another city (attending a different college than I) so talking to him seemed easiest to me. Since I didn't have to sit there face to face it just made it easier to talk about. His reaction wasn't bad at all, I knew he wouldn't have any problems with it but he did ask a lot of questions. His main thing was that he was sure I could change and stuff like that but after talking to him for a while he's dropped that idea.

I told him about how hard it was for me to tell him and how impossible it would be to tell my family. We talked about this for a while and agreed that telling my sister might be the next best move since she would be supportive when I went to tell my mom.

Telling my sister was VERY difficult, I spent a lot of time with her for a few days waiting for a good time to tell her but it didn't seem to come up. Eventually she asked me if I've ever had a girlfriend and I used that to get to what I wanted to tell her. Telling her was a great relief and she told me about what some of our family members thought. It turns out that my older sister and brother both think I'm gay, but I havn't told them yet. She also told me a bit about what our mom thinks about gays which was helpful when I finally told her.

The day before I told my mom I asked her if I could talk to her the next day about something and I told her to make sure there was plenty of time to talk about it. I found out that she talked to my sister about this trying to find out from her what I wanted to talk about. It turns out she had several guesses; everything from school to a possible girlfriend. Then she asked my sister if I was gay and my sister said she didn't know, to which my mom replied "I hope not."

When my sister told me about this I felt a bit crushed. It wasn't surprising to me but it was still hard to hear.

The next day, my mom was sitting outside so I went out to join her. Since she knew I wanted to talk to her that day she asked me what was on my mind. I told her how long I've been scared to tell her about this and how I even thought I'd have to wait till she died to move on with my life. I tried as long as I could to avoid telling her directly that I was gay. Eventually, I thought she must've figured it out by now so I told her.

Her response was that it's a choice and all that junk and she said that you have a choice of who you want to sleep with. She even said that if she made that choice that I wouldn't be here. I told her that the only choice I had was to keep it a secret or to tell her the truth. I told her that I didn't choose who I'm attracted to. She mentioned that it's probably because I havn't met a girl that I liked but I havn't met a guy I liked either, yet I know which is more attractive to me.

Anyway, I still have a lot to talk about with her because I don't feel comfortable with her reasonings for this. I don't blame her at all, I understand that she grew up in a different time and place so her views on this sort of thing are very different.

The good news is she still loves me no matter what The bad news is she thinks telling my dad would be a very bad idea.

 

[tallguy297]

First up mate...congrats on your strength and courage to this point. Its hard enough to do this in the first place without knowing how people already think. It was a brave thing to tough out the situation with your mum! Good on you!

Give her time Jaydeec...before you move on to your dad. Parent are funny things..they have all this love for you and a lot of times dont know what to do with it! In the same way that we plan our lives a little they tend to do the same for us...and its the way they want it to be for them!!!! In your mind you've had a while to accept and sort your life. Your mum hasnt...and its natural for her to ask and make sure that you beleive what you say. She wont think anything less of you for sure but shes also grappling a little with what it means for her...and her dreams for you.

Its gonna seem like a strange thing to say but you might need to be there for her...reassure her that you havent changed. You are still you...her loving caring son. Your values and honesty havent changed and your not about to throw your morale rule book out the window. Give her time to see the real you and your potential realised and she'll come to see thats for you this is the best thing you could have done. And that will be all it takes to make her happy. Talk to her...and share your feeling with her. Be open and honest..it wont take long mate.

As for your Dad...you know him better than the rest of us..what do you think? My only thoughts...don't leave it too long. A secret between people - especially parents can be a bad thing...I cant help but think that given how you've handled this up until now that he'll be fine.

 

[CuriousMonkey]

Congrats, and thank you for coming out. Its a brave move that I don't think you'll regret.

...I even thought I'd have to wait till she died to move on with my life. I tried as long as I could to avoid telling her directly that I was gay. Eventually, I thought she must've figured it out by now so I told her.

I can tell you, in my experience I felt the same way, but it took me much longer to decide that the right time to live my life was not someday, but now. (It only took me 40 years to figure that out!)

Take your time, give your momsome time to adjust, and maybe think about waiting until you are financially self-sufficient to let your dad know?

 

[jockboy01]

The above advice is good. A HUGE congratulations for doing something that is very difficult. Give mom some time, hopefully she'll come around and based on her initial reaction, I think she'll grow it accept it. Maybe directing her to some resources that reinforce what you told her about it not being a choice would be a good idea.

She even said that if she made that choice that I wouldn't be here.

Did you ask her to elaborate on this point? This could mean all sorts of things and just being there doesn't help. Does that mean she didn't want to sleep with your dad? Who did she want to sleep with? I don't know, this just struck me as an odd comment for her to make and I would be all over it.

 

[jaydeec]

Did you ask her to elaborate on this point? This could mean all sorts of things and just being there doesn't help. Does that mean she didn't want to sleep with your dad? Who did she want to sleep with? I don't know, this just struck me as an odd comment for her to make and I would be all over it.

Actually, I think it means she might be bi. She asked me if I ever had sexual dreams and wanted to know who I was with. She told me that she's had dreams with women and that they were the best ones, I guess her point being that it doesn't mean anything or maybe she's just trying to make her point that it's a choice.

I've always thought that the people who are sure it's a choice are actually bisexual. If they're sure it's a choice then that means they probably had a "choice" at some point in their life.

As for your Dad...you know him better than the rest of us..what do you think?

My dad grew up in the Dominican Republic so I'm really not sure what his take on it would be. I know he makes fun of gays but it's really nothing mean or hateful. I guess the main problem would be that he'll never understand it. My mom comes to me with problems she's having with him all the time and they're usually about how she can't get him to understand certain things so I assume thats why she thinks telling him is a bad idea. The poor guy has a hard time getting used to talking to the machine at a McDonald's drive through, I'd hate to try and get him used to this

 

[CuriousMonkey]

Her response was that it's a choice and all that junk and she said that you have a choice of who you want to sleep with. She even said that if she made that choice that I wouldn't be here. I told her that the only choice I had was to keep it a secret or to tell her the truth. I told her that I didn't choose who I'm attracted to. She mentioned that it's probably because I havn't met a girl that I liked but I havn't met a guy I liked either, yet I know which is more attractive to me.

I wanted to add a little note about this notion of choice. I think it may be hard for straight people to understand it becuase their sexual desires and subsequent "choices" are without the conflicts we experience. Think about this and consider two possibilities.

1) What if attraction IS NOT chosen
This is my belief, and if it is the case then our choices are limited to what we do with that attraction. Some choose to struggle against this attraction, and live a conflicted life of self-hatred that ultimately brings pain to themselves and others. Some marry, have children, and secretly lead double lives - perhaps eventually leading to divorce. Some try to live a celibate life, never experiencing the love, and companionship, and pleasure that sharing life with a partner can bring. Sadly, far too many choose suicide.

What have you chosen: To be honest with yourself, and about yourself? To pursue a full life? To trust your family? To overcome societal pressures? NOT to damage others' lives by trying to live a lie? I think in short time your mom may find reason to be proud that you had the courage to make this choice.

2) What if attraction IS a choice
Whose choice is it? And who does it harm? Nobody has the right to make your life choices for you, and while your parents may have the benefit of experience that would be worth considering - your life is yours alone.

good luck!

 

[-live-]

well i dont have any advice but i hope everything works out for you and well done for getting were you have now

 

[jockboy01]

huh, never thought of bisexual seeing it as a choice. I could theoretically see that though. Well, I'd tell mom that your dreams are your business... but then again, I'm a pretty private person and I don't share my dreams (much less my sexual ones) with anybody very often.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Well done for telling them! I've just told a couple of people too. I think everyone will come around to the idea, but you've just got to give them time. Within weeks, everything will be the same as ever.

 

[luminum]

Congrats. Tell your mom (kindly) that maybe she hasn't become a lesbian because she hasn't found the right woman yet.

 

[jaydeec]

Well, I had another talk with my mom and this time she did most of the talking.

She basically explained what she believed about how being gay is a choice. She said that anyone with an open enough mind could be gay and it's basically a matter of choosing men over women. She told me that there's a difference between sexual orientation and sexual behavior and as human beings, we can control our sexual behavior. She also talked about how behavior could include everything from promiscuousness to abstinence to cheating on your wife etc.

So I guess what she's saying is that even if you're attracted to the same gender it's still your choice on who you have sex with. How can you argue that?

Yeah, I guess you could force yourself to have sex with whatever you wanted but that just doesn't seem right. I know she wants me try and have a girlfriend and she told me how relationships are more than just sex but I told her that that could lead to something much worse in the future and not to mention it'd be very stressful/depressing for me.

Anyway, I know it's only been a week since I told her and it'll take time but this is making me feel uncomfortable. I guess I just don't know what to say to this stuff. It's not wrong, but it definitely isn't right.

 

[dkonfrost]

Hey Jaydeec, congratulations in taking that BIG step. I'm proud of you.

I made a similar step a few months ago and told my mom, she had the same reaction as your mom (and, mine involved requests to not be gay, call on god, etc etc etc)....in fact, reading your posts was verbatim to what she said to me.

Stay strong and stand your ground. I can't stress that enough. I know she's trying to make it sound like it's a choice, but it really isn't. Who would really go through all the trouble of choosing something like this when it involves a whole set of complications? My mom tried to employ sentimentality and compromise to get me to "change", much to her chagrin, LOL

and what your mom said, "So I guess what she's saying is that even if you're attracted to the same gender it's still your choice on who you have sex with." makes absolutely no logical sense to me. You are attracted to men, you can't get any clearer than that. that's just who you are.

I find that repetition helps. When she tries to feed you those lines again, repeat over and over, "i'm gay, i like men, and that's not going to change for anything."

hang in there, we believe in ya, and keep us posted

 

[jaydeec]

She also said something about how people have a way of talking themselves into stuff and she thinks that I probably talked myself into being gay. Everything she says is stuff I've thought about before I finally accepted it so I guess it's not too bad.

I've already told her that I accept who I am and that I hope she comes around to that eventually. She wishes I would've come to her sooner because she's sure that it didn't have to turn out this way. I think it would've been a pretty bad thing to tell her sooner than I did because I might have grown up being convinced about one way while inside I feel the opposite.

Either way, she's just genuinely concerned about me and I love her to death for that but I still worry if she'll ever get used to the idea.

 

[dkonfrost]

She also said something about how people have a way of talking themselves into stuff and she thinks that I probably talked myself into being gay. Everything she says is stuff I've thought about before I finally accepted it so I guess it's not too bad.

I've already told her that I accept who I am and that I hope she comes around to that eventually. She wishes I would've come to her sooner because she's sure that it didn't have to turn out this way. I think it would've been a pretty bad thing to tell her sooner than I did because I might have grown up being convinced about one way while inside I feel the opposite.

Either way, she's just genuinely concerned about me and I love her to death for that but I still worry if she'll ever get used to the idea.

I think your mom and mine are long-lost twin sisters, LOL. Yeah, she said the exact same things.

She will come around, things wont be as crazy. And you're right, they ARE genuinely concerned, and that's why they do this crazy shit like try to convince you that you're just a lost little kid. You're not, neither am i nor everyone else here.

PFLAG is definitely a good resource to show her. It won't happen overnight, but she'll eventually come to terms with it. When? Who knows! No one knows when they'll come around, but the best thing you can do for yourself is well, be yourself! Don't let her sway your conviction, be proud of who you are.

**i'd like to thank soilwork for some of the things i just typed out

 

[tallguy297]

Jaydeec,

Mate... I cant tell you how impressed I am with your strength here mate. Faced with a difficult situation youre handling it as well as anyone could...good on you!

The hardest thing to try and understand for you is where your mum is coming from. We tend to look at our parents as the fountains of all knowledge...and when they tell us something our natural tendency is to want to listen and believe. They taught us our morales and values so how could we doubt?

The reality is though mate, they are speaking from their own experiences and perspectives - it doesnt mean that they are wrong - nor does it make automatically right. Your mum really sounds like she has had to deal with this stuff herself or has had to go through the process of being around someone else dealing with it. She seems to have very strong opinions which are too well thought out to be flash in the pan thoughts. But that doesnt mean she is right and nor does it mean that those ideas apply to you and your life. I mean absolutely no disrespect to your mum - she is simply looking out for you in her way. She obviously loves you and to me is trying to steer you down the path that she perceives will make your life easier and better...thats what mums do.

What we forget is the thought process our parents go through when we tell them about ourselves - their reactions will always include a certain amount of "what does this mean for us? what will people say and think about us? how did this happen to us? did we cause this? CAN I FIX THIS?"

You just need to keep talking to your mum Jaydeec. Show her there is nothing to fix...and that you really dont have a choice in the matter. In the same way the some e people like blondes over brunettes you like guys over girls. You didnt ask for it - its the way you are. And she didnt cause it. Just let her know that you havent changed - your values and morales are still what she taught you. That you still love and respect. Those are your choices. But in this you have none.

And sure - you could lead a life of celibacy or even choose to lie and sleep with women. But thats not you - and your bravery and courage and conviction to deal with this are simply amazing. And in time your mum will see those things and realise that you chose this path to take - not because you wanted to but because for you - you had too. Your honesty and value taught you to be true and respectful of others...and not to lie. She will see that you didnt choose the easy road...and she will understand why...it will just take time.

Your happiness and self respect are important Jaydeec. Without those things in your life you are not being all you can be. You wont be the person you can be and you wont fulfill the potential you have...no matter what that may be.

You've done the hard part...now you just need to help your mum understand. And it may not seem fair that you have to do this...that you need to explain...but bear with it mate...it will be worth it the long run - just take your time. Be proud of yourself mate...and take heart in knowing that you know the real you. Now all you need is to give it some time so your mum can get to know you too.

 

[jaydeec]

Your mum really sounds like she has had to deal with this stuff herself or has had to go through the process of being around someone else dealing with it. She seems to have very strong opinions which are too well thought out to be flash in the pan thoughts.

Before the second talk she told me that she had been doing a lot of thinking. I have a feeling she did some reading on the net which worries me because there are so many backwards articles out there that it makes me sick. She's pretty smart though and she made it very clear that everything she said were things she believed and that she understands that she could believe in something even if it's wrong.

Anyway, thanks for your support tallguy and thanks, of course, to anyone else with input on this

 

[CuriousMonkey]

Vegetarians don't like eating meat.

People with lactose intolerance get no pleasure from eating dairy, and in fact have painful reactions to it.

People with food allergies have dies as the result of the slightest exposure to that food - peanuts come to mind.

Would we urge any of these people to choose a behavior mismatched to their psychological or physiological predisposition, explaining that their dietary behavior is a matter of choice separate and distinct from their appetites?

"We know you don't like meat, but people choose what they eat, and you could choose to eat it anyways. Even though you don't llike it, you should promise to eat only meat for the rest of your life and you might even learn to like it."​

That kind of urging wouldn't make much sense, would it?

 

[jaydeec]

Hmm, I guess I'm fine with most of what she has to say because I know and accept who I am regardless of what she says. However she did mention some health issues that she is concerned about and since she's a licensed MD I don't doubt she knows what she's talking about.

Of course she brought up AIDS, but STDs are always something to be careful of, gay or straight. She also said that the urinary tract is supposed to be sterile (clean) which means it doesn't mix with anal sex because the anus isn't sterile. She also said something about how anal sex can cause fissures or something and basically how unsafe it is. She has experience in the medical field and says she's seen it before.

I'm sure it CAN be dangerous but is there reason to worry? It seems like a condom and lube would solve everything.

Haha, I'm not sure if anyone else's mom has gotten this concerned about it but she definitely caught me by surprise.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi jaydeec and welcome to our site!

What an interesting coming out experience this is becoming. For whatever reason, your mother is not approving of this--and that's fine, for her. As an adult guy, you really don't need her approval anymore, but you know that. Nevertheless, you don't want to alienate a parent either, and that's why it's so neat that you're continuing the dialogue with her, lovingly guiding her to your way of thinking.

In due respects to her medical training as an MD, I think she might be gas-lighting you a bit on some information. First of all, the urinary tract is not sterile--it harbors gobs of bacteria quite naturally. Second, yes, unprotected anal intercourse can lead to urethritis in the inserter, but most smart men use condoms. Yes, anal intercourse--even with condoms--can lead to rectal problems, but so can vaginal intercourse (and vaginas harbor lots of bacteria too). Look, sex is dirty (if done well). Humans are made by the mixing of bodily fluids. You be careful, you cover up, you use lube, and do you do what feels natural for you.

I've always thought that the people who are sure it's a choice are actually bisexual. If they're sure it's a choice then that means they probably had a "choice" at some point in their life.

This was an interesting passage of yours about your mother. Have you, by any chance, explored with her, her own possible bisexuality? People who are geniunely bisexual probably can choose. For the rest of us, we can "choose" too, but it's more like faking it or acting. Who wants to go through life "acting." I have to "act" to get through the day without killing half the people I have to interact with. The last thing I want to do is "act" once I get home too. Why is that so hard for people to get???

Oh well, you're doing fine. Keep us up to date. I'm learning a lot from your conversations with your family, and I'm sure others are as well.

 

[dkonfrost]

Hmm, I guess I'm fine with most of what she has to say because I know and accept who I am regardless of what she says. However she did mention some health issues that she is concerned about and since she's a licensed MD I don't doubt she knows what she's talking about.

Of course she brought up AIDS, but STDs are always something to be careful of, gay or straight. She also said that the urinary tract is supposed to be sterile (clean) which means it doesn't mix with anal sex because the anus isn't sterile. She also said something about how anal sex can cause fissures or something and basically how unsafe it is. She has experience in the medical field and says she's seen it before.

I'm sure it CAN be dangerous but is there reason to worry? It seems like a condom and lube would solve everything.

Haha, I'm not sure if anyone else's mom has gotten this concerned about it but she definitely caught me by surprise.

you're right, STDs/HIV/AIDS are a concern for EVERYONE, gay & str8. Anal sex can be safe and fun, there's a very comprehensive and helpful/informative thread about anal sex in the health/well-being section.

And i think your mom forgets that str8 people have anal sex too

I'm glad you're asking questions here, there are tons of helpful people here on JUB. Keep askin!