Some advice needed

[rareboy]

I work with several non-profit organizations and am the Chair of the Board for two interlinked groups that I helped start.

Recently one of the Directors has developed an absolutely irrational and bizarre animus against me and apparently vowed to have me ousted and has become obsessed with rage over everything that I say or do.

I think he may have the onset of dementia (as well as a drinking issue) and this week his attacks were so hostile and allowed to continue that I advised the Board at the conclusion that they would have my resignation. Which I sent out the next morning.

I did this because if I don't, there is no chance of de-escalation and to be honest, if we tried to push his resignation, he would be more destructive outside the organization than within it (which I have noted for some of the Directors).

But suddenly some of them are begging me to remain and are pushing for an in-person meeting to resolve issues. I don't think I want to be in the room with him, let alone have him go on yet another rant, because he looked like he was about to have a stroke. But none of them actually stood up to him during the meeting to call him out and that has troubled me as much as his irrational and unhinged attacks.

So I have indicated that some reflection time would be good for everyone and that the resignation is irrevocable. And I know this may lead to the destruction of the organizations which troubles me.

So. should I offer something in the background to suggest that I would be willing to return as a Director inn the future, or should I force them to live with the consequences of their choice of him as a Director and let him burn it to the ground and start again?

 

[Alistair]

Is it worth the stress that it will cause you at your age?

 

[rareboy]

That is so wicked.

But you are right. I actually did raise the point that I am so willing to walk away because my life is likely going to be too short to be burdened with stupid drama and some other website. I've served my sentence on too many organizations that had sociopaths on the board or even as exec directors and have no appetite for it any more.

But I do have a bit of nagging guilt that I am abandoning some of the others who I have worked with.

 

[opinterph]

none of them actually stood up to him during the meeting to call him out and that has troubled me as much as his irrational and unhinged attacks

I think your answer is found in the statement above.

 

[jjonn3]

It sounds like a no win situation.

So the best advice I can give is...

You got to know when to hold 'em,
know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and
know when to run

If the organization means a lot you - which since you helped start it I guess it does - help them transition to someone new - let them know you will aid with any information they need - and then focus your attention on the other group.

 

[Latimer]

When and if the other members of the board find a way to get rid of the guy, I'd return, but only after others had dealt with him.

While I understand it's not nearly the same situation, as I look back at my history over the past five years with two difficult clients, I realize I would have been better off terminating the contract once they proved difficult. I'm too often unrealistically optimistic about my potential for productive professional relationships with irrational, selfish people.

 

[cabinfever]

My advice - walk away. Forgive him silently so his rage doesn't take another moment of your valuable time. Then - take your talent somwhere else where you can do the most good and start another non profit.

 

[Peloso]

Sometimes it feels to me like assholes and sociopaths run the world.

Toxic impunatism can be very hard to call out. But here you are, steeped in the core of the situation. You appear to have allies. I suspect this guy's assholism is an open secret within the organization because . . .

. . because why?

It seems we can't hold the former POTUS responsible for his crimes. Or any number of politicians, world leaders, businessmen, trolls and everyday garden variety dickheads. They just slither away and spread their malice elsewhere, often exponentially. But you seem to have a chance here, however small, to take him down. I say keep trying.

HOWEVER: that's the advice I myself would want you to follow, not necessarily what I think you should do.

You're too good a person to let this wear you down. Everybody likes to see assholes get their comeuppance, but no one likes to see truly good people dragged down and suffer due to a bad person's nonsense. Fighting the good fight comes second to taking good care of the wonderful organism that is you, rareboy.

 

[NotHardUp1]

I have served on boards, most of which were civil and productive. Occasionally, I have seen a situation such as you describe.

My counsel is to resign, but not irrevocably. Let mania run its course. DO remind the cowardly board members that they cannot champion you from the shadows. It should be done in the open and for very overt and obvious reasons. Let them do the fighting. Either they will cower under his ravings, or they will unite and save the organization through leadership.

Remember, the organization is not likely worth saving if they do not fight for it. Once it becomes lukewarm and token, its cause is no longer noble.

 

[Ludlow]

You've indicated that his focus is on you; not that anyone else on the board is a victim of his attacks. If he's prepared to behave like this towards you in front of everyone, have you actually asked him outright why he seems to have a problem with you?

 

[rareboy]

You've indicated that his focus is on you; not that anyone else on the board is a victim of his attacks. If he's prepared to behave like this towards you in front of everyone, have you actually asked him outright why he seems to have a problem with you?

This is my fear. I am afraid the attacks may widen. I absolutely have no idea what his problem is with me, except I have not taken his singular obsession on board as the only focus of our organization...since it replicates the work of another group that I have and am still working with?

 

[Ludlow]

I would run that risk, personally. I would not have him continue his antics without challenge. He is not above being asked to account for his anger, whatever his issues might be. It doesn't need to be fire against fire; more like a blast of cold water. Sometimes the last thing bullies like him are expecting is the simple question of, "what is your issue here?" and it flummoxes them; especially if they've been hitherto enabled and empowered by the silence of others.

If his attacks escalate from there and none of the other members supports you, then walk away from it and give none of the fuckers another nanosecond of your valuable time. Not worth it. They can all get bent.

 

[ChristianGianni]

I feel for you Ron, but if the other Directors don't have your back that in itself speaks volumes. You're better than that. Walk away with your head held high and go where your input is valued and appreciated. Best wishes to you

 

[eddielee]

Someone on the board has likely fed him lies about you. True, he may have a drinking problem or early dementia, but I smell a gossiping liar, who has been dolling out poison.

 

[rareboy]

Thanks for the input. Lots to think about.

At least the drums are quiet today here so I suspect that the other Directors are getting themselves sorted out and having conversations among themselves without trying to involve me.

The last bit of advice that I offered for one of the Directors who thought that the other person doesn't have a clear sense of our mission and purpose and should be asked to resign was that he would likely be more destructive outside the organization than it it.

 

[rareboy]

So in the end, I am helping the group to transition to me being gone without behaving like 3 year old.

I am fronting a few meetings with potential partners for the group and finishing some critical paperwork to obtain charitable status.

But I have realized I actually feel no real responsibility or guilt for disengaging.

I have 3 other organizations that I work with as a trustee or director that I feel arre more deserving and don't really care how this crew sort it out. I have had this experience before, even with a national organization where the walk-away led to the collapse of their organization as they then proceedeed to devour themselves.

Life is too short.

 

[cabinfever]

^^^Very wise^^^

 

[rareboy]

I am so sad that the people who created this mess have destroyed the chance to connect with and integrate First Nations.

In the end, for whatever reason, they decided to not easily transition with no effort to cancelling and insulting the very partners I had wanted to include in our forward planning.

And by doing so, passed up the opportunity for us to return a significant cultural gift on behalf of the organization as a token of our respect.

Instead, my partner and I are repatriating this beautiful object that we purchased at auction about 25 years ago to them as a personal gift.

It is just amazing how short-sighted and mean spirited people can be.....