Someone much older than me, in the closet, "burdens me" with his secret

[wikke1]

Hello everyone

I myself have struggled a long time to come out.
I've been out only since I was 28. That's been +/- 5 years now. Still find it hard to completely "break free", but I feel amazing to live without secrets towards family and friends.

A guy (let's call him a friend of my parents) who has 5 children (I know these kids very well, they're my age and I consider them my friends) contacted me shortly after he found out I was "out". Told me he wanted to talk to me about it etc.

I was shocked to learn the guy is gay. No one knows, except for his wife and kids. He and his wife apparently chose to live together nonetheless. They have like 10 very young grandchildren now. His kids don't know that I now "know". He also asked me to keep it a secret.

3 years ago, I politely, in a well written e-mail wrote to him why I wasn't really interested in meeting him. Explaining that I respect his decisions in life, but that I don't necessarily feel like I "want" to talk/bond with him. He's much older than me. And although we seem to share a lot of interests (music, literature, politics, ...) it makes me feel uncomfortable to "share this secret" with him. It has cost me enough time/effort to deal with my own coming out. For me it's (for some reason) especially annoying that I now know this but my parents still believe that he's the perfect straight family guy.

Now for the last 3 years, every so often, he sends me another email. Saying he feels hurt about my response. That he doesn't know how to behave when he sees me (we sometimes come across each other since we have mutual contacts (parents etc.)

I have all respect for the fact that he chooses to stay in the closet, for whatever reason; i have all respect and understanding for that. I just don't understand why he keeps bothering me with his letters, every so often. It makes me feel uncomfortable and puts me in an awkward position. Like he makes me his accomplice of a secret I don't want to have to share.

i don't want to sound like an asshole, but I just feel like I have to put a boundary up. I want to learn from men who are out and proud. But this situation is too much for me.

I received yet another emotional plea via email today from him; Asking to "talk like adults", but I really don't know what he wants from me.

anyone have any advise. It would be so welcome, since I can't talk to my "real life friends" about this, since I promised him to keep his secret. And most of friend actually also know him and his kids, so that would make the whole thing "blow up"...

 

[KaraBulut]

You're under no obligation to be anyone's friend. You're under no obligation to be a free therapist.

He's quite capable of finding a licensed therapist to talk to.

You've explained why you're uncomfortable being in the middle of his lifestyle choices. You do not need to explain anything more.

 

[sixthson]

You're under no obligation to be anyone's friend. You're under no obligation to be a free therapist.

Let me add, that you are also not under any obligation to protect his secret. I'm not telling you to out him, but why should you stay in the closet with mutual friends just because he chooses to? Come out when you want to and let him deal with his own issues.

As for the rest of your post, I really don't think you need any advice from us. It sounds like you have a perfect understanding of the situation. You don't want to meet him because you are unsure what he wants from you. That makes it sound like you suspect he wants more than conversation. You can trust yourself in these matters. You actually sound very mature and just remember how good it feels to be yourself around your family and how great it will be when it's not a secret from everyone else. You can do it, wikke.

 

[wikke1]

Thanks. I'm a very sensitive person it really bugs me.
To make the matter even clearer.
This guy is my sister's father in law. His son (my sister's husband) is one of my best friends.
Their firstborn child is my goddaughter. He is her grandfather. I therefore someitmes also see him at family gatherings at my sisters.

I've re-read my e-mail and I have been SO understanding and nuanced (sic?) towards him.
Saying that I don't feel comfortable, and that I feel it would be better for him to talk to a professional about it. Someone who's a little "further" away than I am.

Today he comes back to this, referring to my e-mail of the beginning of january 2015. This will soon be 3 years ago !!! Let it go already, I spoke my mind.

He says he since feels uncomfortable in my presence and want to clear the air. But he MAKES me feel uncomfortable by keep banging on the same nail. Just leave me. ...

He literally writes that I have "hurt him" with my response from 3 years ago, whereas he understands where I'm coming from. I hate the guilt he's laying on me

Sorry for my rant, I'm just very sensitive, I guess.

 

[wikke1]

Let me add, that you are also not under any obligation to protect his secret. I'm not telling you to out him, but why should you stay in the closet with mutual friends just because he chooses to? Come out when you want to and let him deal with his own issues.

As for the rest of your post, I really don't think you need any advice from us. It sounds like you have a perfect understanding of the situation. You don't want to meet him because you are unsure what he wants from you. That makes it sound like you suspect he wants more than conversation. You can trust yourself in these matters. You actually sound very mature and just remember how good it feels to be yourself around your family and how great it will be when it's not a secret from everyone else. You can do it, wikke.

Thanks.
I don't know if there's a misunderstanding.
He doesn't expect ME to stay in the closet to some people (mutual acquaintances or not).
He does expect me to keep his secret. Which I'm willing to do, but nothing more than that.

 

[sixthson]

Do you know if he is faithful to his wife? You said his wife and children know all about him so I can only imagine how this complicates things for you. If his son, one of your best friends, finds out you are gay, why do you feel there will be repercussions for you? It kind of sounds like the man is obsessed with you.

 

[wikke1]

Do you know if he is faithful to his wife? You said his wife and children know all about him so I can only imagine how this complicates things for you. If his son, one of your best friends, finds out you are gay, why do you feel there will be repercussions for you? It kind of sounds like the man is obsessed with you.

This starts to feel like that to me too, that's why it feels so "unheimlich".

I don't really understand what you are saying for the rest?
His son, my good friend, knows I am gay. This son also knows his father is gay. But he doesn't know that I know that his father is gay (since his father asked me not to share the fact that I have this knowledge with his kids).
So I don't really fear any repercussions. I just havn't talked about it to his son (my friend) since I don't want to burden my friendship with it either.
But it does start to feel rather creepy, and I don't want to act like a drama queen.

I don't know if he is faithful to his wife. I don't really care either, you know? I just don't want to be involved, just because I happen to be gay. I almost also feel like he wants me to help him get out of the closet, but I don't want to do that. I don't consider him my friend, even though it looks like he somehow wants that (since I happen to be gay aswell).

I mean, he is a good guy (intelligent, well written, etc etc) I just don't like how he keeps spamming me.

THANK you guys for your feedback. It already helps me some, just writing this all down. (I hope he doesn't read this => *paranoid*)

 

[Telstra]

Why not ask him:
"what would you from me ? please write in details, prefer emails only"
So you know what do wants.

 

[wikke1]

Why not ask him:
"what would you from me ? please write in details, prefer emails only"
So you know what do wants.

Thanks for the input, but I don't know. I don't really want to receive any more e-mails. I don't want to know what he wants from me... It would feel like adding fuel to the fire. I don't want his fire. I just want to see him as the father of my friend(s) who I every so often come across with, politely say "hello" to, maybe have some smalltalk with, but that's all. I don't want any 1/1 time with him. Not even via e-mail...

I guess I'm answering my own questions here, sorry for that

 

[Telstra]

But emails are so easy.
Once you know what he wants from you, its easy to deal with and ask he him to stop or ... etc

Because i know a lot of "old" guys in the sauna ... maybe just tell him to go to the sauna, problems solved.

 

[eastofeden]

Tell him you wish him all the best and if he needs to talk..go to a local gay club or join a group and find someone he can talk to...

I wouldn't go any further with it. Keep a boundary with the guy...

Thing is...you aren't going to want to get to know or even relate in any way to a ton of other gay men..neither is he....that is normal. He seems to want to force a conversation or friendship you are not comfortable with...

Suggesting he find a group or friends is a nice way or saying "we don't connect but I wish you the best"....

If he doesn't take the hint...you can always make it clearer later if you have to...