I've been pretty unhappy for a few months now. I feel like I spend so much time listening to other people's problems and helping them find their way through them. True, on the crisis line, that's all I do, but it's among the people I care about or the ones I interact with that I also feel that I've been dedicating a lot of energy toward. And yet, at the same time I feel like none of them care about any of the things I'm going through. No one ever asks how I'm doing or seems to remember any of the big things going on in my life that I mentioned to them. It makes the fact that I even tried telling them on my own that much more humiliating since they don't remember or even take an interest in asking more about.
Two of my uncles were dying from brain tumors. My closest aunt is withdrawing from everyone because her husband is wasting away and there's nothing I can do. I'm facing the reality that I may never break away and do what I truly want. My friends are all leaving to different places now that our undergrad is almost over. I'm lonely and it doesn't look to be changing any time soon or ever...
So I just keep joking and smiling and doing all those things everyone loves for me to do while deep down, when no one's around and it's just me, I feel like crap. I feel desolate, possessed by nothing more than the drab existential horror of my empty life. I feel like all these things are taking away from the things people "like" about me and that it's manifesting itself in destructive behaviors and me lashing out at anyone.
In a way, I should be more thankful that I'm being given an opportunity to pull myself up by my own boot straps of die along the way. I really want to prove that I can make it on my own one way or another.
But at the same time, I really wish people pretended to care about me half as much as I care about them. I dunno. Maybe I'm just being useless.
Two of my uncles were dying from brain tumors. My closest aunt is withdrawing from everyone because her husband is wasting away and there's nothing I can do. I'm facing the reality that I may never break away and do what I truly want. My friends are all leaving to different places now that our undergrad is almost over. I'm lonely and it doesn't look to be changing any time soon or ever...
So I just keep joking and smiling and doing all those things everyone loves for me to do while deep down, when no one's around and it's just me, I feel like crap. I feel desolate, possessed by nothing more than the drab existential horror of my empty life. I feel like all these things are taking away from the things people "like" about me and that it's manifesting itself in destructive behaviors and me lashing out at anyone.
In a way, I should be more thankful that I'm being given an opportunity to pull myself up by my own boot straps of die along the way. I really want to prove that I can make it on my own one way or another.
But at the same time, I really wish people pretended to care about me half as much as I care about them. I dunno. Maybe I'm just being useless.