Starting to think that BF doesn't love or appreciate me enough

[redips]

Hi guys,

My bf and I have been together for about 15 months or so. He moved in with me about 4 months ago. Most days, I feel like things are going really well between us. However, once in a while I would feel like he doesn't love me enough or appreciate me enough, and I get a little down. The past few days have been one of those times.

I don't know that I'm being high-maintenance or nitpicky, so maybe you guys can tell me what you think. For example:

-He has a really busy work schedule. (I work a lot too, but not nearly as much as him, and my schedule is more flexible.) So I always do our laundry, fold everything, and put everything back for him/me. At first, he would thank me for doing the laundry, but now, less and less so. I don't mind that, really, because I chose to do it. However, this weekend, when he opened his drawer, he just grumbled that things were in the wrong drawer. Well, I've always put them in that one drawer and he never told me otherwise. So I was silently annoyed but didn't say anything.

-For his birthday, I spent a few weeks planning an elaborate party for almost 30 of his friends at my house. I ordered a special cake. I made all the food. I got him gifts. I spent quite a bit of both money (about $800) and time on everything. He thanked me once afterwards. But in the past few weeks, we've gone to many of his friends' birthday parties. In all of these parties, the birthday guy/girl would give a toast, thank all his/her friends, and thank his/her bf/gf for organizing their party. That made me jealous because my BF didn't even acknowledge me in his toast.

-And then, I should add that he totally forgot about my birthday last year, until the day of. I know he was truly very busy at the time, so I was disappointed, but I didn't say anything or complain.

So there it is. Am I just being childish or high-maintenance? Or is there some justification for me being annoyed?

To his defense, I never really brought any of these issues up, partly because I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable/childish/high-maintenance, and partly because I don't know how to approach it.

Thanks for reading my rant.

 

[jensu846]

You sound like a thoughtful person and what you did for his party was very cool. Hard to say what he thinks, but from an unbiased view and from going off of what you wrote, it sounds like he's taking you for granted alittle bit. See how he reacts if you slowly stop doing his chores (laundry). That might give you a clue what he's expecting you to do.

 

[Georgiadude]

I don't think you're being nit picky at all. frankly he sounds like an ass. not thanking you for the party, grumbling about his laundry and the inexcusable "forgetting"your birthday. really? I'd be really hurt and a little pissed off. he's def taking you for granted and it's a shitty thing to do to someone you supposedly care about. I learned a while ago that some people will take you for granted if you let them. don't let him do it any more. he can do his own laundry and split the household chores. I think it's time for a sit down chat. let him know how you feel. if he keeps doing it then I'd have to think long and hard about being in a relationship with someone that doesn't appreciate me

Steven

 

[redips]

Thanks, guys!

I think it's time for a sit down chat. let him know how you feel.

I agree that I should talk to him. However, I'm really bad at these kinds of conversations (and I know it's something I need to work on). I imagine that telling him "sometimes I feel like you're taking me for granted" is probably too accusational. How should I approach this subject? Any starter lines?

 

[Georgiadude]

"baby I need to talk to you. there have been a few things lately that have bothered me a little and I would feel better if we talked about them."

try not to be accusatory or sound angry. just talk to him like you normally do but let him know what's upsetting you. these aren't huge things but small things can turn into a huge mess without some clear communication.

Steven

 

[KaraBulut]

You said that most of the time you feel things are fine. What you did not mention is whether he treats you well otherwise and whether you feel satisfied with the other aspects of the relationship. Are these just some things that are bothering you or is it part of a larger pattern of behavior that makes you feel taken for granted?

It's possible that he's just insensitive and that he has bad manners when it comes to thanking you and noticing the things that you do for him. It's also possible that he's taking you for granted. Either way, since it is making you feel this way, you do need to talk to him about it... not in a way that says, "You're wrong" but instead, in a way that says, "This is how I am feeling".

 

[DustinsDaddy]

"Sometimes I just don't feel you love me that much. Do you really appreciate me?"

 

[Seasoned]

Doing for others what they can do for themselves is the beginning of resentment and being taken advantage of.

Never give anyone the party you want; give them what they want.

Well before your next birthday tell him what you'd like.

Even if you're one never expect a partner to be a mindreader. If you are a mindreader stop being one immediately.

Give up all notions of "he should just know." You're no longer a mindreader so don't expect him to be. Ask for what you want.

 

[sixthson]

You know, redips, you're probably going to look back on this some day and chuckle. That is assuming you handle this correctly and not let it become a bone of contention between the two of you. What you describe is common to people who are in love and learning how to live together. If he were just a roommate, you wouldn't have many expectations of him, but this is the person you are making a life with and part of that life is mundane. It's not all romance.

The first thing I would say is not to look for justification for how you feel. Right or wrong, it's how you feel.
Secondly, we all do routine, daily things for the person we love. When we start looking for some recognition for it, we fall into
a trap. When they don't respond the way we feel they should, we begin to find fault and not only there but in other areas of
your relationship. It's easy to question whether they love your or appreciate you "enough". It's a slippery slope you don't want.

The solution is simple (maybe not easy): communication. It's the most important thing two people can learn to do in a relationship. It's the brick and mortar of your life together, really.
Your bf might be inconsiderate and thoughtless. He may need to learn how to be the opposite. He probably won't become that way unless you share your hurts and concerns with him. From your post, I can tell you are kindhearted, so I know you can talk to him in a gentle, non-critical way. This is the way relationships are tested and proven.

I disagree with those who say stop doing those things you have done and see what he says. It comes across as passive/aggressive to me.
Communication is the direct and correct way of dealing with it. It's also the loving way.

Let us know what happens.

 

[TX-Beau]

Even if you're one never expect a partner to be a mindreader. If you are a mindreader stop being one immediately

Here you have the culprit for a huge portion of relationship failure.

I'm a giver, I do things for my guy, I sometimes make the grand gestures, he's a Mamma's boy who will let me do everything his Mamma always did for him and never once mention it or say thank you.

So I can sympathize, and I'm going to suggest something a bit different. I get resentful of the shit I do ONLY when I'm not getting enough affection from him. For whatever reason. It goes away, and I stop resenting the little shit when he gives me what I need, which is his attention and intimacy. I don't need him to say thank yous if I get I love yous.

If that's not the issue and you really just don't like being his maid, if you can afford it get a housekeeper, they really aren't that expensive once or twice a week and trust me, it helps.

- - - Updated - - -

OH yeah as has been stated when you discuss this with him, make sure you aren't laying blame. Make it about you and give him the opportunity to make YOU happy.

 

[dhchitown1984]

You're 15 months in.

I feel like I read my complaint about an ex-boyfriend 15-months into the relationship we had. It would probably be, word for word, what you said; with the exception that we weren't living together but he'd spend the night four or five times a week.

You say you don't feel loved/appreciated. Your conversation has to be clear and direct. "I do [EXAMPLE A] as a way of showing that I love you and care for you. I would feel appreciated in return if you did [EXPECTATION]." Don't be embarrassed if, for you, that means a kiss to say thank you; a back rub in bed that night; him getting off and making the pot of coffee in the morning. WHATEVER it is, you need to tell him the "relationship currency" he needs to spend to make you feel that appreciated.

You do his laundry because he has a busy work schedule. And you're understanding because his schedule is all over the place; and he works a lot; and not as much as you.... STOP RATIONALIZING THE 'EXPECTATION' THAT YOU'RE DOING THE WORK. You don't have to do his laundry, or all the laundry all of the time. You're making the excuse FOR HIM to say "Well, I'm sorry I don't pitch in on the laundry baby; I work so much." We all work. We all stay late at the office. We're all tired. We're all too busy. We all find a way to do our laundry.

As far as the toast on the birthday; he should have acknowledged it. You can't compare your celebration for him to yours in terms of monetary expense or the level of festivities. Maybe he thought you wouldn't have wanted all the fanfare? Maybe he was too busy with work? Oh wait, you already excused his behavior for him - so of course you didn't bring it up!!! You had your fight with him about in in you head, you accepted an imaginary apology because you told yourself he was too busy with work anyway... but now, you're upset because you didn't have the argument you deserved to have with him.

In a relationship, it's important to pick your battles - but that means you have to pick some battles to fight.

Stop waiting for someone to know how to love you.
Tell him, point blank, what your expectations are.
Maybe he's not delivering because he thinks everything's fine?
Maybe he's not delivering because he's a selfish asshole?
Maybe he's not delivering because he's too busy with work and you know the outcome of the conversation, so why have it?

I'm not saying any of this to be a dick; but I've been in your shoes and I'm saying to you what I wish someone had said to me. It's not your responsibility to excuse his shortcomings for him. When he does something that upsets you, speak up and tell him. Excusing it for him builds resentment up in you because pretty soon you're going to say "How can I tell him I'm upset he missed our anniversary? I didn't even get upset about my own birthday!" And the things that upset you will build and build; and he'll continue to be trained to not step up.

Stand up for yourself. You deserve to be loved on your terms.

 

[redips]

Thanks, guys, for all the thoughtful responses. I think I'll need to save this page for future reference =)

I get resentful of the shit I do ONLY when I'm not getting enough affection from him. For whatever reason. It goes away, and I stop resenting the little shit when he gives me what I need, which is his attention and intimacy. I don't need him to say thank yous if I get I love yous.

If that's not the issue and you really just don't like being his maid, if you can afford it get a housekeeper, they really aren't that expensive once or twice a week and trust me, it helps.

This really speaks to me, Beau. I really don't mind doing things for him, and I don't really care that he thank me every time. But I guess I'm just worried that him not doing it is a sign that he's taking me for granted. All these fears seem to go away when he begs me to cuddle with him and gives me the affection that I wanted. And then I'm all happy again.

But because he works so much, even though we live together now, there are days when we just don't get to see each other (he sometimes works 24-hour shifts, or night shifts). And it's usually when he's not around, and he hadn't texted me in a while, that I start having these thoughts.

You said that most of the time you feel things are fine. What you did not mention is whether he treats you well otherwise and whether you feel satisfied with the other aspects of the relationship. Are these just some things that are bothering you or is it part of a larger pattern of behavior that makes you feel taken for granted?

Thanks, Kara. I feel quite satisfied with the other aspects of the relationship. But he can be a little bit selfish sometimes, which I wouldn't mind if I knew that's not a sign that he doesn't love me enough. Things like he would always park in the driveway, even if there's a street spot (which might get taken by the time I get home, so I had to park further away). Or sometimes he wouldn't/would forget to tell me that he's coming home late, and I just end up waiting for him before cooking dinner. Things like that which irk me a little bit from time to time.

But he treats me well otherwise. He is very affectionate towards me (which is very important to me). He would tell me how I make all his dreams come true. He compliments me in front of his family and friends. He always tells me how sexy I am.

So in general, I feel good when I'm around him. That's why I feel like I might just be nitpicking here. Yes, I wish he would text me to say how much he appreciated me making/leaving some food for him when he gets back from work. Or I wish he would send me an ecard when he's out of town for work (which I do for him). There is always more that he/anyone can do, and there is always more that I can ask for. So if he does do those things, wouldn't I just ask for yet other things and never be completely satisfied?

Many years ago, for a previous relationship, I looked into the "5 languages of love"--basically the 5 different ways that people express love: gifts, words, acts of service (doing things for the other person), spending time together, and touch. The thing is, I speak all 5 of these languages (not equally, but I do express my love in all 5 ways). And I imagine that he doesn't speak all 5, maybe just 3 (words, spending time together, touch). And I imagine perhaps most guys don't speak all 5 languages, so maybe I'm just not communicating with him on 2. If that's the case, should I learn to just love in our 3 common languages, and not expect him to learn 2 new languages for me?

 

[KaraBulut]

....he treats me well otherwise. He is very affectionate towards me (which is very important to me). He would tell me how I make all his dreams come true. He compliments me in front of his family and friends. He always tells me how sexy I am.
...Yes, I wish he would text me to say how much he appreciated me making/leaving some food for him when he gets back from work. Or I wish he would send me an ecard when he's out of town for work (which I do for him). There is always more that he/anyone can do, and there is always more that I can ask for. So if he does do those things, wouldn't I just ask for yet other things and never be completely satisfied?

Most of us who have been in long-term relationships will tell you to pick your battles and to be generous in your praise.

Never expect someone you love to read your mind. Ever. If you're not happy about something, then speak up. If you want them to change something that they are doing, then speak up.

With that said... before you open your mouth to criticize or complain, give some thought to how much you praise your partner for things that they do that you like. And sometimes, it works much better to be appreciative when they do something right.

For example, if he calls to tell you that he's running late, say, "Thanks for calling- I'll hold off on starting dinner so that it's not cold". If he doesn't call, don't say anything, just put his plate in the refrigerator or let him cook his own dinner.

...Many years ago, for a previous relationship, I looked into the "5 languages of love"--basically the 5 different ways that people express love: gifts, words, acts of service (doing things for the other person), spending time together, and touch. The thing is, I speak all 5 of these languages (not equally, but I do express my love in all 5 ways). And I imagine that he doesn't speak all 5, maybe just 3 (words, spending time together, touch). And I imagine perhaps most guys don't speak all 5 languages, so maybe I'm just not communicating with him on 2. If that's the case, should I learn to just love in our 3 common languages, and not expect him to learn 2 new languages for me?

From what you've said, he treats you well, he praises you and he lets you know that he appreciates you in every way.

Maybe he's speaking his own language of love and you're the one who is not understanding his language of love?

 

[88Jockstraps]

What the poster above me said, communication is important. Make sure you're on the same channel.