Steeling the nerves

[bluepheonix]

Ok, so I'm steeling my nerves at the moment to come out to my brother and father, hopefully this weekend. At the moment only a couple of my friends know (for sure), and my mum and aunt.

I told my mum a couple of months ago after we had an argument about religion, she kind of cornered me asking why religion bothered me so much, and then stood there waiting for me to speak and I remember it just came out as a whisper, hardest thing I've ever done, then she cried and i cried and I think shes taken it rather well.

Im not sure how thats going to affect my telling dad. He's ex-military and in the past when my cousin talked about her gay friend he screwed his face up and did the whole "how does he know" and then when world youth day came around and there was a news segment about the gay and lesbian protesters he made a sound of audible disgust (that guttural "chhh") and instances like that sort of haunt me whenever i consider telling him, and I think thats sort of made me distance him over the last few months, I guess out of a thought that then it wouldnt really hurt so bad if he didnt take it well. But yea, there is the complication of mum knowing and him not, but i think i would say it was about me being ready to tell him, and me asking mum not to, i just dont want to cause any problems there. I was also thinking about maybe using some stuff I found online made by the Australian Defence Force about accepting and understanding homosexuality if he didnt take it well or anything.

My brother is kind of the same in terms of awkward and uncomfortable anti-gay moments in the past, i think he tends to subscribe (i dont know to what extent) to the gay=fairy notion. Im sort of being prompted to come out by the fact that, I think i'm... I want to come out, and hes also going overseas all next year with his girlfriend and I dont want them to go without knowing cause I feel ill be stuck in limbo or still hiding something if he does cause I dont think i would want to tell him over the phone/internet.

So I'm thinking I want to come to them before this tuesday, I have a hockey game that night that they are all planning to attend, and really the biggest connection between me and dad has come out of our love of hockey, so I'm kind of hoping... that them seeing me play will reinforce that im the same person i always was.

Bah but yea, at the moment trying to steel the nerves, all I got for my brother so far is "This is kind of a big deal for me to say, but you dont have to respond right now if you dont want to, or you can ask any questions you want or anything... but I want you to know I'm gay". No idea how to tell dad.

Sorry bout the rant, heres hoping i dont freeze up, wish me luck,

and any advice you have would be extremely awesomely appreciated!!!!

Blue.

 

[G-Lexington]

Bring your Mom on board . Say you want to tell them, but are unsure about how to go about it. Maybe she has some suggestions.

Most homophobic people I've met are like that due to ignorance. And I mean that sincerely. They don't KNOW anybody gay. They haven't had their beliefs challenged. If the closest gay person to your dad is a friend of your cousin, it's easy for him to think of gays as "them". And as such, they're a different group of people, and he doesn't have to consider what they're really like. Once he knows about you, he'll be forced to confront that. It may be difficult for him - education often is! - but it'll be worth it.

Perhaps invite them to the hockey game, and when you have drinks or dinner afterwards, tell them then. Then the image of you kicking ass on the ice is fresh in their minds, and it'll force them to reconcile the two.

Lex

 

[bluepheonix]

Just came out to my dad and brother at the same time (good advice big thanks so much! ) they took it sooo well, apparently my brother had heard me and mum talking a few months earlier thanks big and lex for the advice.

One more thing though, my mum is in a really weird mood now, i sort of get the feeling shes angry at me, she seemed really pissed the whole coming out talk only lasted a few minutes, and she seems reluctant to talk to me about it, doing her passive aggressive 'do what you think' speech. Any ideas as to why? I think she may still be hung up on the idea that i only think im gay?
Thanks again everyone

 

[bluepheonix]

I'm of the school that you only tell who asks you. If you tell someone without them asking, you run the risk of hurting them or them reacting badly. When they ask you, then they are ready for the answer, whatever that answer will be.

I guess I would also subscribe to that school, but only for certain types of people, I mean for randoms or people i bump into occasionally im not going to go "hi im gay", but i think in my case, for my family, I want them to know, I felt restricted and under pressure when they didnt know, plus as perhaps was expected, they suspected (or knew) and were waiting for me to tell them, so the whole waiting for them to ask just wouldnt work in that situation.

I think you also have to be careful, alot of people find it insulting to be blazenly asked "are you gay", the value of any no answer is highly questionable, because at the end of the day, if people wanted you to know, they would have told you already. (note that that is insulting in the wtf business is it of yours way rather than the ew im not gay way).

So yea, i think your approach does have some good applications, but there are cases in which unfortunately its just not going to work.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, part of it may be the "I no longer own this secret" thing. But whatever it is, don't get hung up on it. If you've told her you're willing to answer questions, you've done your part. Let her digest it at her own rate.

Lex

 

[trawler69]

Well done for doing that. The prob with your Mum could be that she is now in the position where your Dad might want to know why she didn't trust him enough to tell him, or she might perceive herself to be in that position where she miht have to answer awkward questions. I'm sure it will blow over. You could try asking her perhaps.

 

[bluepheonix]

Hey hey again guys, a few months on now and I was just reading back over this and I want to thank you all again for your help. I'm happy to say things have been going very well with the family lately, and as of last week I've come out to all my close friends, all of whom have taken it extremely well, and for anyone else who's interested, my facebook info now says "Interested in: Men" (hey at least its good for something ).

So thankyou all again, this is a great forum that supports so many people through what will be, and i know it was for me, one of the hardest experiences in their lives. I think you should all be commended, and I am sincerely appreciative to you all.

Josh

 

[tallguy297]

Congrats Josh, and thanks for the update!!!

Its great to see a guy whos contributed here for so long as part of this community be able to do the same out in the wider world as himself. It be better off because of it too.

And its even better that it seems your Mum has come around too mate!!

 

[cityboi]

Glad to hear good news!