Sticky Situation

[eastofeden]

I seriously need some advice on a delicate matter...I keep thinking about it over and over and I m sooooo stuck....I can't get beyond my conclusion and I know there is something I am missing...

OK...first let me put it on the table...suicide is a very difficult subject for me. It is probably personal ...I worked so hard to give myself a chance in life that suicide is offensive to me in general...and it makes me angry. I understand everyone is different though but I would rather save my empathy for people who want to live. To make matters worse...my youngest brother took his life 10 years ago and I am haunted by it often and beat myself up about it because I think I knew but didn't say anything when I had the chance. It was more an unconscious realization but I am in touch with my unconscious enough to understand..and I ignored it. I am not sure if this had anything to do with my current situation which is why I mention it...

So...a good friend of mine...her fiance blew his brains out in front of her last summer.....and he fell in her lap....

She had brought him by about three weeks earlier and wanted him to confide in me. The problem is..she puts me on a pedestal and I wish she wouldn't. I can see things alot of times I wish I didn't...and this was definitely one of those times. He knew it too...which made it worse. She egged him on and he began to tell me he had been molested by his neighbor when he was young..and he had these dark things following him around and he couldn't sleep or eat alot because they tormented him.....

For whatever reasons..and I didn't bring it up or want to know...I had a clear sense he had long ago decided on a course of action to deal with all of this which included some pretty intense stuff I wish I didn't see....kind of like self torture/dungeon sex kind of stuff....UGH....

So...I gave generic advice to him knowing full well it was of no use at the time but I wanted to give him something without me having to cross my own boundaries.....

The other thing...even when I "see" stuff.....and I have lived long enough to know my success rate is very high at being right...I am sometimes wrong and so I would rather go with that instead ...especially when I know not to open a door..and this was one of those times....

....and so I have avoided her and I sent her a message that I just can't deal with suicide...but the truth of it...I just don't want to tell her the truth or what I see....and I am afraid of her being in a delicate position or being vulnerable that I may say something that would harm her in any way...

The thing is...if I decide to help someone..I have to be brutally honest..it is way too much work for me to "choose my words". Asking me to fly would be easier....

...and now I found out she has given her mother custody of her son temporarily and I also found out that he was leaving the house for a week or more at a time when they were together with no explanation (which explains the dungeon thing I saw..and maybe the things following him around which I do NOT want to even address...ever....)

...and I know she needs help bad...quick...and she knows how honest I am and in the past...I helped her and it was the brutal honesty that got her past it and the thing that made her build a pedestal which I do NOT want to happen again..another reason I am reluctant....

..and so the place I am stuck at...I know she needs help badly...but I am afraid I will say something that will send her over the edge.....

What I did do...I paid a psychic who is also a suicide and crisis counselor to give her a couple hours of counsel which was right after it happened...hoping it would be enough....

It wasn't.

My biggest fear is sending her over the edge too...and my other biggetst fear is not even trying when I know she needs help..they cancel each other out....

Any advice would be very helpful....

Oh yeah...one more thing.....I think he did something bad...dark... but I don't want to even go there.....ever....it might explain those dark things that he said followed him around...but I never want to open that door....so my fear of helping her is as bad as my fear of not helping her....it is my damn mouth that worries me.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

There's no shame in self preservation. She's dumping a lot on you that even for the best of friends/family, would be a lot to handle. The guy clearly was tormented physically, and then mentally... for years. She couldn't help/fix him, and you couldn't either. It's incredibly sad, but don't take responsibility for his/their past.

 

[eastofeden]

There's no shame in self preservation. She's dumping a lot on you that even for the best of friends/family, would be a lot to handle. The guy clearly was tormented physically, and then mentally... for years. She couldn't help/fix him, and you couldn't either. It's incredibly sad, but don't take responsibility for his/their past.

Very wise and good advice....I am letting it sink in...I know you are right...

I decided today after I wrote this that I was glad I got it out of my system and wrote it down....and that alone let me get past the angst...partly...and I decided that I am going to tell her that I am sorry but I just can't handle it. I basically already did it but I need to look her right int he eyes and let her know that I do care about her and I am her friend...but....

For better or worse...if I like you I will be brutally honest ..I don't know how to be anything else when that condition exists which was my fear...that I would blurt it all out...but it never occurred to me to just insist on not touching that part of it....and I will just tell her bluntly I refuse to look into his life and I have no answers because I don't...and I will tell her that there is no way either one of us could have helped him and then I will tell her that she needs to get into serious therapy to help herself because her son needs her...and he is watching..and it will shape his life....

I know I have to address this..sooner than later...and I think I am ready to do it....so thanks for the input ((()))

 

[KaraBulut]

...and I know she needs help bad...quick...and she knows how honest I am and in the past...I helped her and it was the brutal honesty that got her past it and the thing that made her build a pedestal which I do NOT want to happen again..another reason I am reluctant....

My biggest fear is sending her over the edge too...and my other biggetst fear is not even trying when I know she needs help..they cancel each other out....

There's a tendency with guys to always fall into "mechanic" mode where we feel like we have to fix everything.

We don't.

Sometimes the most important thing is to listen to people. And then encourage them to get help from professionals who are trained in how to help people fix themselves.

Her problems are not your responsibility, nor were the problems of her fiance your responsibility. Ultimately, both of these people are responsible for their own situations in life. You can listen. You can be supportive. You can encourage them to get help.

But you can't fix them.

 

[eastofeden]

There's a tendency with guys to always fall into "mechanic" mode where we feel like we have to fix everything.

We don't.

Sometimes the most important thing is to listen to people. And then encourage them to get help from professionals who are trained in how to help people fix themselves.

Her problems are not your responsibility, nor were the problems of her fiance your responsibility. Ultimately, both of these people are responsible for their own situations in life. You can listen. You can be supportive. You can encourage them to get help.

But you can't fix them.

OMG..nailed it. I am so guilty of this....and I am aware of it...as is everyone around me. I try to explain to people in my shop especially but also my friends...if you present me with a problem..I naturally go about trying to fix it....it is automatic. It is how my mind works.

I will often say I have gone 31 years now and not said a bad word about my husband..and that is true..but it isn't because I am a Saint..far from it. It isn't a statement of perfection either...I just know how to communicate and compromise and that is the key to fixing things in a relationship...and when we have problems...my only inclination is to figure them out and I throw myself into "fix" mode...so I see complaining about him or talking about him behind his back as adding to any problem instead of fixing it...

...and as much as I know this...I didn't connect the dots to my friend...but I think it bothers me because I KNOW I cannot fix it...whether he was alive or dead....it is beyond my scope. This is also the bottom line what I need to tell her...that I don't have it in me to fix it.....but I do have it in me to help her find some help...

The harsh thing...I know better than to even listen to the events again...suicide is an EXTREMELY difficult thing for me to address...and maybe I could do it..but it doesn't mean I should do it..nor do I want to do it. This is what I have to tell her...the hard part....but necessary..

Thanks for the input..it helps alot...

 

[Seasoned]

If you have insights that most people don't have, I think it's important to develop strict boundaries. It's one thing to use special insights as a light novelty and quite another to attemp to improve someone's mental health no matter how much someone wants to confide in you.

You have the right to avoid people who affect you negatively. Obviously, a lot of tact and diplomacy is needed to redefine a long standing relationship. Regardless, you need to put yourself first and keep suggesting that troubled people seek counseling elsewhere.

 

[eastofeden]

If you have insights that most people don't have, I think it's important to develop strict boundaries. It's one thing to use special insights as a light novelty and quite another to attemp to improve someone's mental health no matter how much someone wants to confide in you.

You have the right to avoid people who affect you negatively. Obviously, a lot of tact and diplomacy is needed to redefine a long standing relationship. Regardless, you need to put yourself first and keep suggesting that troubled people seek counseling elsewhere.

Thank You Seasoned...it is good advice and great reminders....

I wrote out a very long response and then deleted it. I shared things I wasn't comfortable sharing in public. The point..there is more to the story I wish I could say...alot more components that are kinda crucial...but ultimately...I am afraid of drawing his attention in any way...

I actually think I need to talk to a professional who understands empaths and what the challenges are. I got very lucky with the one I found in my 20's and I use her tools to this day with great success...but I couldn't have seen this one coming....

I think maybe a metaphysical minister or spiritual advisor might be of some help too now that I think about it.

Thanks for the advice and insight guys..and thanks for listening. It helps..alot....((()))

 

[eastofeden]

WOW...I type the above...then I set out to seek the appropriate channel to direct me to a source that can help me....

For the next part I definitely need someone who understands what an empath has to experience...

They asked questions first to help guide me in the right direction....and strict boundaries are something I need to work on....and protecting myself is something I never really bothered with except for a very limited quick fix..I can do that...

The Atlas Empath (Planetary Healer)

Your Total Score: 76 out of 80


You scored extremely high on the overall results. You are definitely an empath.

You are highly intuitive and can almost always tell when people are lying.........
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(lots of other stuff)
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Sorry, but you scored the lowest on the "Has Protection Tools" section of the quiz. This indicates that you are definitely an out of control healer and you would benefit immensely from energy work, cord-removal, and protection tools. You are a wonderful and loving person. You are also what is known as an "out of control healer!" You would benefit immensely from energy work and empathic tools for releasing guilt and responsibility.

I know this is true..and I shall begin immediately. I don't even know what cord removal is..but I am about to find out. It is an emergency.

...and I found someone who can help me with this very specific thing....about to make an appointment...wish me luck...

Thanks!!!

 

[TX-Beau]

I have issues with suicide as well.

My little Brother killed himself. He was fine until he graduated from high school and then his schizophrenia kicked in. Unfortunately his story is the usual one. Drugs, rehab, medication, relapse, psychotic episodes, paranoia, ending in suicide. Towards the end we were paying all his bills and rent through an intermediary because he would simply vanish for weeks if he saw one of us coming, and would run away from any institution we put him in, we insisted he stay medicated, and he said that was just half a life, so he wouldn't take his meds, then his paranoia would kick in and he'd think we were trying to hurt him. When we went through his things, he had a huge supply of un-taken medication squirreled away. It was hard.

Around the same time another person who was in my life, kept using the threat of suicide to get attention. She'd call me up, threatening to do it, I'd run over (or another one of us she knew) to help, which was especially effective with me because I was always waiting for that call from my little brother. He didn't call when he did it, he just disappeared, until the cops found him a week later we didn't know he'd done it. She'd call me, I'd run over, we'd spend a drama filled night talking her down, wash rinse repeat.

Until we got that call from the police. I lost it when she pulled that just after my little brother's funeral, I told her to go ahead and do it already. I also said a few other things about emotional blackmail and manipulation that were less than kind, and she stopped being in my life.

But the aversion remains. I can't help someone who is dealing with suicide, on either side. I just can't. If you can't help, don't try. You won't make things better, and you will probably just muck things up worse for the other person. If someone asked me for help on this, I'd just refer them to a professional and stay out of it, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[eastofeden]

Thank you TX-Beau......I am thankful for you sharing the story of your brother and your thoughts on suicide. I usually feel like a monster for even having those feelings but it is the truth and I would rather feel like a monster for telling the truth than lying about it.

I suspect I will never be OK with suicide or helping on either side myself....and the sentiments are the same....I just can't....and I am not even sure if I could I would want to.
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The follow-up to the first problem..no conversation took place. The twists and turns I discovered since I wrote this could fill a season of some dark and edgy nighttime serial....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much for me to even touch....

I do hope that she finds some way out of this maze and mess...at a distance...it is quite alarming the path she has taken lately...I just wish her well....nothing I can help with.

As for the second problem..I am 1000% more enlightened today about boundaries and how to deal with this in the future than I was a couple weeks ago. I got some excellent help..here and from the lady I sought out that helps people like me...