Still can't seem to get over my ex.

[Gekishinken]

Hi all.

I posted a topic about this same topic in around October of last year.

Brief summary:
I lived in Japan from August 2012 until September 2013. During this time I had my first serious relationship with a Japanese man. We spent all our weekends together and dated from January 2013 until I left Japan near the end of September 2013. I loved him. We broke up when I left. The reason why I left was because my job was destroying me mentally. I suffered panic attacks and tension headaches at work. Since returning to the US I have not suffered either of these again, but I still, to this day, miss my ex-boyfriend.

There was essentially no closure. We broke up over the phone and he said to me that he never wanted to hear from me again. This devastated me. At a time when I was already thinking "Eff Japan!", this just made me feel even more bitter.

I tried contacting him after I returned to the US, but he refused to speak to me. It truly breaks my heart because this is someone I was so close to, we lost our virginity together and did everything together.

I now live in Washington, DC and have tried going on many dates with different guys. It never seems to work out though for one reason or another. Most guys in DC simply don't want to date and want to just screw around.

I've already pretty much decided that when my lease is up in June of next year i'm going to move to California, it's been my dream to move there ever since I was in high school and i'll always regret it if I don't follow my dream, plus DC is insanely expensive for how crappy it is.

How can I overcome missing my ex though? I just looked at a picture of us together and almost started to cry. I've done everything I was told works...

1. Having sex with other people, I did this about five times and none of them were even half as enjoyable as my ex (because we loved each other and there was a legitimate passion between us)

2. Going on lots of dates

3. Removing all references of him for almost a year

Help I feel so lost...

 

[Granite]

What do you mean you had "essentially no closure"? You had the epitome of closure. Now you want to run away to California? Ok. Fine. Sorry, but finding happiness isn't about physically moving to some Shangrala. Happiness, contentment, fulfillment all comes from inside.

 

[KaraBulut]

The list is missing one...
4. Find a therapist who can help you work on the feelings about the breakup and some of the anxiety issues that are related to it.

Grieving over a loss is normal. However, after a year, it's time to begin healing and moving on. If you're unable to do so on your own, then it's time to find a therapist who can help you find your way out of this.

 

[Seasoned]

This could be a case of where "can't" means "won't." Perhaps you're stuck in the bargaining stage of grief. And it appears that your relationship was good for you in social as well as physical and emotional ways. And, further, you could be tying the loss of the relationship with all the other elements of loss when you returned home from living abroad. Therapy would help sort all that out.

Life is about change, loss and gain. I know I've been better off since I've pictured my journey as one of being on a body of water in a raft, where it's smooth, rough and sometimes white water.

I wouldn't advise distraction as a way of dealing with grief as that can lead to addiction. I'd prescribe living and elements of spirituality such as meditation and journaling if you're so inclined. Elements of nature help heal me emotionally. Walks along the water or a wooded path help me. In other words, in my opinion, healing from within is longer lasting than healing from without, which is why it's not advised to go from one relationship immediately into another. Best wishes.

 

[Gekishinken]

Thanks for the advice all. I'm going to try a handful of things before I go to a therapist:

1. Getting a pet turtle
2. Journaling
3. Might sound weird, but i'm going to try going to church. Here in DC quite a few of the churches are lgbt friendly.

I'll try these for a month or two and if I still have issues then i'll move to the therapist stage.

Oh and...

What do you mean you had "essentially no closure"? You had the epitome of closure. Now you want to run away to California? Ok. Fine. Sorry, but finding happiness isn't about physically moving to some Shangrala. Happiness, contentment, fulfillment all comes from inside.

While I agree with you about happiness coming from within and will be the first to admit I don't have the highest self esteem in the world...DC really isn't all that. It's hellishly expensive for what it is (way more expensive to live here than California), you're really restricted by not having a car here (despite claims you can take public transit everywhere) and to put it simply...moving to California has been my dream since before I came back to the US from Japan. I only moved to DC because the job market was, at the time of my move at least, better in DC than most of California.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending. Reading your post, I was surprised your ex was so hostile at the end of the relationship.

I think you've received some great advice, but I do have two quick questions about you moving to California

I'm all for moving to CA, and I might even like to do it someday, but don't you need a car in CA? Or are you thinking of living in SF?

Best of luck with things and I hope you'll be back to report some good news in a few months.

 

[Gekishinken]

I want a car, have a license and had driven one everywhere prior to Japan and DC. The reason I moved to DC is because you don't NEED one to live here. I find public transit too restrictive though as the metro system here is...sub par at best and downright awul at worst. The metro stops aren't in great locations either so you may have a twenty minute walk to a metro stop from a bar at 2am. Not the safest thing.

The main reason I don't have a car here is that it simply isn't affordable. Parking at most apartment complexes here costs around $200 a month and many offices don't have parking available at all, so you have to use public parking and pray you don't get a ticket.