Still not happy?

[CenTex22]

Hey all,

Haven't posted in awhile, but I've been thinking about some stuff that I figured I'd run past y'all.

In the very recent past, I was fairly depressed for a number of reasons.. Unrequited love, family I couldn't come out to, self-esteem issues, got fired etc etc.

I worked on solving most of those and have been fairly successful at it.

I have a boyfriend of over a year, I have a job that pays double that of most people my age, I rent a house on the lake, I've been working out, etc.

The problem is, I'm still not happy.. I'm still scared about money, I still don't know 100% how I feel about my boyfriend (other than that I don't want him out of my life), I still think about the lost college love interest (4 fuckin' years ago, man), I still feel like an ugly duckling, etc.

If I'm in such a good position for my age / circumstances then why am I not happy? There are some days when I think that I'm happy, but when I am by myself (as I am now) and able to contemplate, all I feel is regret over having wasted time, money, and emotion on things that don't make me feel any more complete than I did when I was 13 and wanted to die.

Is this it? Is this adult life? Do we just never get to find that point in our life when we are happy with who we are with, where we live, what we do for 8 hours of our day, and all that?

Any input is welcome and I'm sorry if I sounded like I was throwing a 1 person pity party.

Thanks

 

[GamerBear]

Its good that you solved each issue at a time, but I think deep down you will always feel regret for all the things that you once worried about and still worry about today. Its scary to think what would happen in the future with the things you have, like your job, your love life, and your appearance.

I'm not very good at giving advice, I am not at the position you are right now with making double the money. I believe that for me my self-esteem will always be shot to shit no matter how many people tell me how good looking I am, it will always worry me to death knowing that I feel ugly on the outside, but its just something I have to live with.

I think that if you keep worrying about all those things you'll stress yourself out more and cause more depression in your life which could lead to health problems later in the future. I think you could try your best and look on the bright side, and ignore the negative.

Like I said I suck at giving advice so if this advice is not great I apologize.

 

[CenTex22]

Haha, no, I definitely appreciate your input.

I wonder if we never really grow up/grow out.. If the stuff we worry about when we are very young is the stuff we worry about as we get older.

I was worried about love, money, and how I ugly I was when I was young and here I am 10 years later worrying about the same things.

Life is bizarre and not at all what I expected it to be when I was in elementary school.

 

[Audio Tech]

Everytime I get depressed with my life (which in all fairness is pretty good) I think of what it would be like to be Steven Hawking. Or any number of truly mis-fortunate people out there. It snaps me back out of it. I remind myself that I do have a GOOD life. Maybe not the ideal that I envisioned it to be, but damn good regardless.

Think about what you have already done. REALLY think about what you HAVE and have accomplished. Then count your blessings, hug your boyfriend and feel better.

No, life is never what we expected it to be when we were young. But it's not bad.

 

[altlover85]

What we expected in elementary school is not a good guide for the majority of things. You don't have nearly enough information and experience to even begin to understand the complexities of life.

I have had some of the same issues that you have had and there are times when I feel crappy, but you do have a job and a boyfriend, plus I'm assuming you are healthy, have all your limbs, use of all your senses, normal levels of mobility, and aren't disfigured, so things could be worse.

If you aren't happy, spend some time alone, and take a few deep breaths and ask yourself what you want out of life that you don't have right now and then figure out how you can accomplish some of the things that you think would make you happy. Perhaps volunteering might make you feel better? Maybe taking a vacation or going on a trip?

I hope you feel better and hope this has helped a bit.

 

[KaraBulut]

The problem- as many discover- is that life is like a house. You can build a great house but if the foundation is crappy, it doesn't really matter. A crappy foundation ruins any house.

In your case, you've never really dealt with your feelings of self-worth and the core of who you are. That is the foundation. So, now that you have a boyfriend, a great job and an otherwise great life, you're still not happy because you have never really liked yourself. And you've probably never felt like you deserved the wonderful life that you have.

Given the persistence of the problem, your next step is to see a therapist and deal with the issues at the core of how you feel. There's a lot of things that you can do to address the issue - from the simple things like helping other people/public service to the more medically-oriented like taking medication.

The key is that you need to go back to work on the very foundation of who you are and how you feel about yourself.

 

[rareboy]

^ I have to agree 100%.

You also need to work through your fear of money...or the not having it part.

Many of us are insecure about the future and the idea that at any moment, the financial security vanishes.

But it can also be liberating and exciting.

You need to resist any urge to put security first.

Put joy first.

As for looks. Trust me. They fade. But they aren't that important after 28 years sitting across the breakfast table from the person you've shared your life with.

And for the love of Pete. Get some real therapeutic help for the lost college love thing. I think it is a yearning for more than just the guy that got away. It is a yearning for a do-over.

Trust me. It is way better the way it worked out, whatever the bumps along the way.

 

[CenTex22]

The problem- as many discover- is that life is like a house. You can build a great house but if the foundation is crappy, it doesn't really matter. A crappy foundation ruins any house.

In your case, you've never really dealt with your feelings of self-worth and the core of who you are. That is the foundation. So, now that you have a boyfriend, a great job and an otherwise great life, you're still not happy because you have never really liked yourself. And you've probably never felt like you deserved the wonderful life that you have.

Given the persistence of the problem, your next step is to see a therapist and deal with the issues at the core of how you feel. There's a lot of things that you can do to address the issue - from the simple things like helping other people/public service to the more medically-oriented like taking medication.

The key is that you need to go back to work on the very foundation of who you are and how you feel about yourself.

I think that this post hits pretty close to the truth.. The question would be: how? How do I learn to like myself when I've been an object of my own ire since as long as I can remember? I did go to therapy during college (to help me get over the long lost love interest) and it was interesting, but I remember even then being disgusted with myself in some weird fashion. I try to focus a lot on helping other people but maybe I need to go about it in a different way. Maybe that will help me feel better about myself as well? Decisions decisions..

^ I have to agree 100%.

You also need to work through your fear of money...or the not having it part.

Many of us are insecure about the future and the idea that at any moment, the financial security vanishes.

But it can also be liberating and exciting.

You need to resist any urge to put security first.

Put joy first.

As for looks. Trust me. They fade. But they aren't that important after 28 years sitting across the breakfast table from the person you've shared your life with.

And for the love of Pete. Get some real therapeutic help for the lost college love thing. I think it is a yearning for more than just the guy that got away. It is a yearning for a do-over.

Trust me. It is way better the way it worked out, whatever the bumps along the way.

How do I put joy first? I'll be honest, I've never been adventurous or outgoing. I really probably only have 1 friend that I ever do anything with. Do you have suggestions for how I can bring joy out of that situation? (not bitching btw, I'm very grateful for the friend I do have, I just see the inherent difficulty in cultivating joy in that scenario)

I did go to therapy for the lost college love and it helped me immensely, but I don't think the feelings will ever go away. I loved it while I was involved with him, but the residual is shitty with a capital S.

Thanks again for y'alls input!

 

[altlover85]

Part of feeling good about yourself (and this is much easier said than done because I'm having trouble with it to) is to find joy in your life right now. It's being able to be okay with where things are while at the same time actively changing things for the better. At least that's what I've gotten out of therapy.

Try and find time to do the things you enjoy.

 

[neditesjamais]

I did go to therapy for the lost college love and it helped me immensely, but I don't think the feelings will ever go away. I loved it while I was involved with him, but the residual is shitty with a capital S.

Is it possible you thought you were "cured" but it's still there? You do keep bringing up this particular burr that's poking you. If therapy helped before, you may find it useful again.

No, as you get older, you don't worry about the same things as you did when younger. In some cases, you worry about worrying. And then you start worrying about why you're worrying about worrying. Or you worry about being happy. It can get really creepy really fast.

If you're talking, you're making progress.

 

[giftart]

What we expected in elementary school is not a good guide for the majority of things. You don't have nearly enough information and experience to even begin to understand the complexities of life.

I have had some of the same issues that you have had and there are times when I feel crappy, but you do have a job and a boyfriend, plus I'm assuming you are healthy, have all your limbs, use of all your senses, normal levels of mobility, and aren't disfigured, so things could be worse.

If you aren't happy, spend some time alone, and take a few deep breaths and ask yourself what you want out of life that you don't have right now and then figure out how you can accomplish some of the things that you think would make you happy. Perhaps volunteering might make you feel better? Maybe taking a vacation or going on a trip?

I hope you feel better and hope this has helped a bit.

I always do this. It helps clear my mind.