Still Torn- Seeking More Perspective

[spencer]

My last thread was confusing so I'm posting again cause I'm still torn, torn more than ever.

My man is trying to make the decision between going back to religious life (aka celibacy) and staying just a teacher (and not being celibate and possibly being in an LTR with me).

He's going to visit a couple of monasteries (friaries) to help get clarity.

When we talk about "his calling" he says he doesn't know and he says he wished it was more clear. And I want nothing more that if he gets called he gets called soon.


So about me, I feel like it's a competition against God. I don't want to "win" but in a way I do. I also feel like I'm a backup plan, which is really hurting me right now. I want him to pick but I understand his struggle.

We're doing really well dating wise and intimately thought I wouldn't get far with him sexually. (I'm guessing we're going to oral this week). I'm not giving it fully up until he decides to be with me.

Basically, I'm falling for someone that in the end just might be there.
Ugh, he's so nice and everything I want in a man. I waited my whole life for this.

Do you think I should end it? Do you think I should be supportive and wait it out and just enjoy the moment?

 

[Seasoned]

I feel for you. It's not helping either of you that he is dabbling in both worlds while making up his mind. Let him try his calling on the outside before entering the confines of monastic life. It sounds like he is very conflicted and if he decides to remain a lay person he will need a lot of time to adjust. What you have is someone who is on the rebound. He'll need to readjust before he'll be able to make an honest committment. I think he should have space and time, otherwise he may use you to readjust. You are facing a relationship with someone who may be full of guilt and who may end up resenting you. Give him space now even if he doesn't want it. You deserve more than being a safety net. Take care of yourself and good luck.

 

[spencer]

ugh, I was afraid of that perspective.

Another one to add is, he orginally left the friary 4 years ago to live with his last boyfriend for 3 years.

Then he got really hurt after his 1st relationship after the ltr and when he first started dating me he pushed me away and we didn't talk 6 months. Now he's back and faced with 2 options.

It seems like the friary was his rebound (he applied for reconsideration where he left and was turned down). He said had he been accepted he would have gone. But now he doesn't think that would have been a good idea.

You're right though. He needs space and time.

 

[Horschallen]

Or he may be trying to escape the real world and go into "hiding."

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Spencer, this guy seems to have a lot more problems than appear on the surface. This in and out of the church is his lack of acceptance of himself.

At first, my intuition was to tell you to enjoy the moment, but upon reading further, I think you should go fish again, cuz you got a bad fish.

Be the person you want to be with and you will find the right person, but don't settle for whatever comes along.

I don't know how old you are, but if I remember right you are fairly young (mid-20's?)....take your time...pick wisely!

Jeff

 

[spencer]

Naw, I'm older thirty cough three

I actually talked to him today and asked if he could ever see us in a relationship and he said yes, don't you? I said yes and then said good cause if you said no I'd stop dating him.

He is conflicted and it sucks.

One thing, my whole family basically moved south. So if we don't work. I'm moving south even though I don't really prefer it there. So I'm not fishing here except for Jeremy. And so I guess I'm giving this a bigger chance than I would like. I figure if it doesn't work moving will be easier cause I've put it off for 5 years now (even bought a home there). Work is really struggling too so that leaves nothing to stay for if Jeremy and I break up.

Thanks for the replies. I'll keep you posted.

 

[cruisebear]

My last thread was confusing so I'm posting again cause I'm still torn, torn more than ever.

My man is trying to make the decision between going back to religious life (aka celibacy) and staying just a teacher (and not being celibate and possibly being in an LTR with me).

He's going to visit a couple of monasteries (friaries) to help get clarity.

When we talk about "his calling" he says he doesn't know and he says he wished it was more clear. And I want nothing more that if he gets called he gets called soon.


So about me, I feel like it's a competition against God. I don't want to "win" but in a way I do. I also feel like I'm a backup plan, which is really hurting me right now. I want him to pick but I understand his struggle.

We're doing really well dating wise and intimately thought I wouldn't get far with him sexually. (I'm guessing we're going to oral this week). I'm not giving it fully up until he decides to be with me.

Basically, I'm falling for someone that in the end just might be there.
Ugh, he's so nice and everything I want in a man. I waited my whole life for this.

Do you think I should end it? Do you think I should be supportive and wait it out and just enjoy the moment?

You could just enjoy the moment but that would depend upon if you are mature enough to accept any twist or turn that might occur? I don't know why these kinds of things happen especially in view of the fact that this person is everything you've ever wanted or waited for? Maybe this is just irony of life with the passion dial turned way up? But one thing is certain . . . no matter what happens and when all the smoke finally clears and you can see things for what they really are; you'll throughly understand that if you feel the least bit sad or inadequate about what happend, that means that you were not a complete person and possibly needed that other person to fill you out or make you a whole person? First and foremost, we should all be completely whole and feel good about ourselves to the point where we would never need someone else to make us feel better or more together or whole. If you decide to wait for this person to make up his mind and if you get sucked into the idea that this whole struggle is a contest between you and God or his calling as it were, then that is unhealthy and you might be said to have settled for something else when you really would like to have something more in line with your own wishes and desires. Please don't ever ever settle! YOU WILL REGRET DOING THAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Ok, that said, get on with you life, get busy living and fill your life with whatever makes you full, content and happy. This self confidence will radiate outwardly and make you a hot commodity to the point where you will not have to lift a finger to find that special person. And of course, if by chance a realtionship is not in the cards for you, then you won't even miss it! I hope that this helps?

 

[Telstra]

My last thread was confusing so I'm posting again cause I'm still torn, torn more than ever.

My man is trying to make the decision between going back to religious life (aka celibacy) and staying just a teacher (and not being celibate and possibly being in an LTR with me).

He's going to visit a couple of monasteries (friaries) to help get clarity.

When we talk about "his calling" he says he doesn't know and he says he wished it was more clear. And I want nothing more that if he gets called he gets called soon.


So about me, I feel like it's a competition against God. I don't want to "win" but in a way I do. I also feel like I'm a backup plan, which is really hurting me right now. I want him to pick but I understand his struggle.

We're doing really well dating wise and intimately thought I wouldn't get far with him sexually. (I'm guessing we're going to oral this week). I'm not giving it fully up until he decides to be with me.

Basically, I'm falling for someone that in the end just might be there.
Ugh, he's so nice and everything I want in a man. I waited my whole life for this.

Do you think I should end it? Do you think I should be supportive and wait it out and just enjoy the moment?

be supportive, be his friend and enjoy the moment.
Also enjoy other men if you have some.

 

[texpatriot]

Spence, I feel for ya buddy!

Your man sounds like this *cough* straight dude that I use to date.

When we were together, he was everything that I had hoped for to find in a guy; loving, caring, intimate, spiritual, and the only real "straight" thing about him was his ability to get straight to bed and throw his legs up in the air!

As much as we talked about a future together, it turned out that my guy had a mistress, and her name was called fear.

It sounds like the new love interest in your life is conflicted, and his mistress might be called fear too.

I'd be concerned that his conflicted desire to return back to "the religious life" (As if some how gay and religious are mutually exclusive!), would turn that into something where I'd always feel like it was something to compete with, or that I'd be playing second fiddle as some sort of back up plan until he could get back into whatever "salvation" that he thinks that he's missing by not being a part of that.

If you think that you might actually love this guy, share with him some of the things that you've shared with us here.

It's only fair to him that he should know, and you'll be doing yourself a favor, because you won't have to be putting your life on hold trying to figure what he wants to do with his life.

As to the straight dude that I was dating? I knew what his options where. I knew what he was considering. I was even so bold to tell him once that I wanted him to choose me.

I eventually got around to telling him that by not making a choice, that he was in fact making a choice.

He chose neither, and ultimately fear won.

You asked for perspective, and that's mine.