"Straight" crush is actually gay, but is seeking a "cure"

[TX-Beau]

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he’s trying to change the fact that he’s gay, dating men and sleeping with them exactly what he’s trying to get away from; where does that leave you?

If what you’re asking for is advice on how to convince him not to pursue conversion therapy, I don’t know what to tell you. He’s gonna have to work that out for himself. Trying to convince him otherwise isn’t going to get you anywhere, be assured that they are telling him that’s exactly what predatory gay men do.

 

[Lube]

^ What he said. This is a very difficult situation about which you are almost powerless, unfortunately.

About the only thing you can do is lead a gay religious life, and subtly show him that you can reconcile the two. He, apparently, believes you can't.

Don't talk about sex/gayness with him, but do involve him in discussions of religion (and the meaning thereof), if you're comfortable with that.

 

[bankside]

Remember he is looking down on your gayness too. In the headspace he is in, he wouldn't wish it for you.

If you were both taken hostage and tied to a machine that would convert both of you to heterosexuality, he'd probably push the button, because he sees gayness as something not worthy of keeping.

Indeed he has taken steps to keep you at a distance so he doesn't have to hear your view that you are both human and complete as you are.

At some point, it becomes irrelevant as to how to help him over that crap, and it is a question of accountability that he has to accept responsibility for some very ugly and disrespectful thoughts.

No matter how well he can conceal or deny his nature, it is not an accomplishment to be proud of.

 

[Titanic]

I don't want to cause offense, but it sounds to me like you're being a bit hypocritical. Sure, I disagree strongly with his thoughts and what he is doing, but you've got to accept that that's his opinion and you have to live with that. By all means you can try to change it by talking to him about your views, but don't hate him because he doesn't share your opinion. What you're saying is so forceful that it sounds almost like you're wishing change upon him, which isn't leagues from what the church is trying to do for him.

If you see what I mean...

 

[Titanic]

Titanic, I understand that you interpreted what I wrote in that way. I in no way want to force change upon him, for it is his body and mind, but I just don't want him to end up hurt several years from now if the therapy doesn't work, especially if there is something I can do now to prevent such despair.

Sorry, I didn't read that into your posts - certainly not the second one. It seemed very "violent" towards him, especially with the references to hostages and the way you talked about him looking down on us (just sounded like you were rounding us against him, as we have nothing to do with him). Perhaps I'm just reading too much into your wording, but are you certain there isn't a degree of resentment amongst the care?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, let’s look at what you want. Bear with me, some rough water ahead.

...I'm in need of advice as to how to proceed, as my crush is unaware that I know of his struggle. My friend also said that my crush hasn't told me of his situation out of fear that I will try to convince him that being gay is okay, which this post signifies is quite true.

You want to date this guy so you want him to stop going to conversion therapy. He knows something is up and is deliberately avoiding any communication on the subject.

What CAN you do? Chase him around insisting you “just want to help?” Let’s be honest, that’s a lie you’re telling yourself anyway, you want him, the help thing is just a means to getting him. Ask yourself this, if you weren’t interested in dating him would this "help" thing be anything but academic for you? Would you think it imperative to “help” this particular guy? Be honest with yourself.

He doesn’t want your help. He’s decided that gay people are God cursed sodomites and doesn’t want to be one, and you, to him you are one too.

I want to provide support and help him realize it is okay to be gay and still have a relationship with God, as I do, but I don't know how to do so without driving him away or having him discover that another friend violated his trust in telling me his ordeal.

You want him to be OK with the gay because you want him to date YOU. How much actual energy would you put into any of this if you didn’t want him? I’m guessing you’d be sad and shocked like the rest of us, and have some vague and nebulous feelings about how it would be nice if people didn’t get all fucked in the head like that; and then you’d go on with your life.

Plus, my feelings for him have returned quite strongly in the knowledge that he is gay, which does make me somewhat biased in wanting to stop his attempt at "conversion". However, my main goals are to stop him from causing himself irreparable emotional damage and to not lose a friend in the process. Any help would be much appreciated!

He’s not gay, he’s EX-GAY, some conversion therapy for you. HE thinks you’re a godless sodomite going straight to hell! The fact that he’s in conversion therapy means he’s already fucked in the head – so, too late on that score.

I’m sorry for being so blunt, but – ya know, a hundred and one guys come in here daily looking for absolution or aid with relationships that aren’t going to go anywhere for obvious reasons, and it all stems from the choice THEY made about which guys to pursue. If you make that same choice, go after a guy who’s not available, what do you expect anyone to say about that?

This one is one of the more hopeless of the lot. He’s running from everything you stand for and your motives are not exactly unselfish either. Do you actually see long term potential in this?

What exactly do you think there is to be done? If you try to discuss this, he’ll see you in the worst possible light, trust me on this - they've prepared him for you wanting to "help" him, and they've cast you in the worst kind of mercenary role; and he'll believe them. You stand no chance of dating him. hell you stand no chance of helping him – you see why don’t you.

Stop wasting your time and go find a guy who wants to be with you. If at some point in the future your friend comes around, well, you haven’t destroyed your friendship, so you can pounce on him then.

But don’t hold your breath.

You deserve a big ole happy queer who not only wants your cock, but wants the picket fence too. THAT"S NOT THIS GUY!

 

[Lube]

He has helped me through many issues I have had regarding my sexuality, ...

That's really odd. Explain more, please. How can a gay-in-denial help you with your gay issues? What were his answers?

 

[TX-Beau]

TX-Beau, let me clarify that I haven't always had such feelings for my friend and I have been friends with him for way longer than I have been out to him. Getting in his pants has never been my motivation for any of this and I don't appreciate you insinuating as such. He has helped me through many issues I have had regarding my sexuality, which confuses me because he never once told me he was so harshly turned off to homosexuality or that he was struggling with it himself.

It's no wonder I so rarely turn to these forums for help because instead of getting help, all I ever get told is that I'm a pathetic piece of crap. Funny how the very people that should be the slightest bit compassionate are just as cruel, if not worse than, mainstream society! Forget I even asked for help.

If he wasn't so "harshly turned off to homosexuality," why is he in conversion therapy. Honestly do you even know how these orgs operate and what they say?

Getting defensive isn't going to be productive either. Nor did I call you a pathetic piece of crap. If all you wanted was some sympathy you should have said so, but no you asked for advice. Well there it is, you may not like it, and it may not be what you want to hear, but sometimes that's what it takes.

 

[trikky]

I disagree. It very much depends on what the guy and his parents are like. If he is pretty meek and his parents are domineering, maybe they forced him to go into therapy because he wasn't strong enough to stand up for his feelings. Maybe he came out to them too early when he hadn't resolved his own issues of his sexuality and they played on his remaining doubts. Without knowing what went on between him and his parents we can't say. When someone is in that situation and looking for acceptance, especially if they are still very young they can be manipulated. Maybe his parents gave him an ultimatum get cured or get lost.

The one thing that I do agree with Tex on is that the guy has to work it all out for himself in his own time and it is a real pity he didn't try and talk to you (if he actually wanted to) before he went into therapy and got his head screwed up.