Stressed, I was outed by my mother

[elGeniuoso1721]

First off, my mother and I have lots of history. Imma give a brief intro about us then get to the current issue. I'll try not to write a novel.

About me. I'm 20, just moved to Philly. I'm out to my closest family and friends and the world. Essentially I just don't put stuff on Facebook. Ask = Tell. My closest family = Mom, Dad, two older brothers, my one Titi (Aunt in Rican). They all love and support me. Good. My primary option was/is that if I was to come out to the rest of my extended family it would be when I get a boyfriend. 1. It's not necessary, my cousins live in either Puerto Rico or Jersey, I never see them, rarely talk to them even by texting or online 2. My paternal grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and it's really bad. My Dad's side = 30 cousins. It's a hard time for us/them right now. Even though I WANT TO, it's not the right time to come out.

About my Mom. Due to her childhood and past she is loving and protective, but controlling and doesn't trust ANYONE. Especially when it comes to me (her "baby," I'm the youngest). She's also dramatic and over-emotional, and tends to victimize herself.

With that stuff said: I do not tell her a lot of things and lie about stuff. She's judgmental and tries to make me feel guilty. Example, I'm online dating. If she knew she'd flip.

Current problem. I told my parents and brothers not to tell anyone I'm gay. It is MY business, MY life. I will tell who I want, when I want, how I want. My life. Yesterday she was visiting with my grandparents (her parents [maternal], she's an only child). She told my grandma a few days ago. I was pissed. She says it was an "accident, her and her mother were having an intimate moment and she said it, didn't remember how the conversation went." I'm pissed. We argue. Also, it was her birthday -__-

All I asked was for her to not say anything. She says that the people that I've told are not the people on "her list of people who should know." I tell her "I don't care, my list matters, not yours." She keeps saying she understands, that she gets that I wanted to do it on my own terms. I told her NO she doesn't, if she did she wouldn't of said it in the first place. You're not gay you don't fucking get it. You're not ME, you don't fucking get it. After talking with my brother and my Dad I learn that she thinks she did nothing wrong and she's just upset that I'm mad at her. Well the guilt-trip won't work this time and I'm not letting it go just yet.

Ok, so I needed to rant. But I need advice? Stories? Tell me to suck it up? My Dad understands why I'm angry, he really gets it, but he already told me to just get over it. My brother is an Ally and gets it, he is on my side. But...what? I am going to talk to her again, this isn't over. How do I go about it? Have any of you ever been outed? What did you do?

Also for those wondering, my grandma is ok with me being gay, she still loves and supports me. And I knew that from the beginning, but that's not the point. It's about my Mom. She needs to realize what she did was wrong, she needs to understand why I'm upset, and she needs to realize that I'm an adult and she can't control me. She was not thinking about me at all and still isn't, she's stuck in her bubble. She pulls this shit frequently. Like I said, I don't tell her things, and I'm online dating. Today I went on MY FIRST DATE EVER with a guy I met online, and I can't even share with her how I had a great time. How do I communicate my feelings about her outing me in a way that she at least TRIES to see my point of view? I know it won't happen overnight, but she's not even making the effort.

I'm a very very logical and rational person, but I'm so angry, this is one of those few times when I can't seem to balance my logic and emotion. Advice, stories, blunt criticism. Thanks in advance!

 

[martin6]

You've got a right to be a little upset-- I mean, it IS your life and all. But even you admit you want to come out. Don't be angry when you talk to your mom, cuz that makes things worse. She's your mom: she worries and talks all the time about you. It's what moms do.

So one thing you've just gotta accept in this world, especially with family, is that people are always gonna talk about you. And this time, your family talked about you in a supportive way. Feel proud that they're all there for you and move on.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm so sorry you have long standing issues with your mom. You can't take back what she did and neither can she. I'm sorry that you lost the opportunity to come out to your grandmother. I think you ought to have a one on one with your abuela as soon as you can. As for your mom outing you to her mother, I understand your anger, but I also foresee you forgiving her because rather than gossiping she may have just been sharing and looking for support.

It is apparent that you have long standing issues with your mom. If you're both willing you can repair your relationship with her and transition to an adult to adult one. It will take some work, but it is possible.

Spend some time alone with your mom and try to get to the major ongoing issues that you have with her. I'd even suggest a couple of joint therapy sessions. Your goal would be a mutually respectful relationship, good for the long haul. It sounds like you've had a history of being close and pulling away. That's just too much stress and a set up for guilt.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi elGeniuoso1721,

I feel very sorry that you feel right now very angry. So your mom told to her mom (=your grandmom) that she has a gay son (=you). And you told us that your mom is very supporting you and is also loving you (her baby son). Besides that, you also told us

My grandma is ok with me being gay, she still loves and supports me. And I knew that from the beginning.

So what's the real problem? Given that you have also told us

I'm out to (..) friends and the world.

I would like to advise you that you should reconsider your point of view that you can control the things that other people tell about you, in particular that you like guys (in stead of girls). I am quite sure that your life would be much more relaxed when you don't need to bother anymore whom of your friends / relatives / aquiantances is -already- aware that you are gay (or not). Do you really want to tell one-by-one all of these 30 cousins that you are gay? IMO, this is not needed when you stop with controlling other people about what they are allowed to tell about you.

Am I right that you are not -yet?- totally relaxed as a gay guy?

So I tend to think, based on what you have told us, that you are -more or less- out to all people you really care about. And why you still want to keep control about this? Guys who are totally comfortable about their own sexual preference don't bother if people around them are aware that they are gay (or not). I have loads and loads of aquiantances, and I don't bother at all if they are aware that I am gay (or not).

Lets assume you won't have a boyfriend within the next 5 (or 10) years? What's your plan? Keep telling people around you that they are not allowed to tell to others that the nice and friendly elGeniuoso1721 is gay?

So when you don't bother anymore what other people tell about you (and there is nothing wrong with being gay, and you have loads of accepting and supporting people around you) you will feel less pissed. I tend to think that it will be hard to change the behaviour of your mom.

Take care & best wishes & feel free to react.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am going to give you an unpopular advice here - try talking with her calmly. In my opinion, she is totally bullshitting you with the "accident" thing and she will just tell everyone she thinks should know. So try reasoning. If that doesn't work, just use her weapon against her. Guilt tripping is a two-way street. Very calmly explain that you are simply going to stop talking to her altogether if she can't respect your privacy.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Thanks to everyone who took time to respond. You all make great points. I still haven't talked to her...she didn't call me last night like she usually does. But I have calmed down since yesterday.

@martin6: I do need to remain calm. You're right. But the problem isn't people knowing I'm gay. I'm comfortable with myself. And I know people, family or otherwise, will talk about me. But in my opinion of the coming out process, it is something I need to do on my own terms. I told my mother that and she didn't respect it. That is the issue. And, like I said, I haven't told my family because it's not the right time because my other G-Ma is battling cancer. I do want to come out. If this wasn't happening I'd put it on Facebook and be done. But I can't add to the stress of things.

@Kien: That's good advice, but yea I def won't hold a grudge. I never hold grudges; that's not me. But this is something that will take more strength and time to get over, is what I mean. And yea, I don't exactly buy the "accident" thing, just cuz I know her and how controlling she can be. At the very least...she's stretching the truth....reallyyyyy far.

@Seasoned: I'm glad you responded. I will forgive her eventually and I understand that she may have just been seeking support. That's not what I believe, but I can't deny the possibility. I do want a mutually-respectful, adult relationship with her, but it will take a lot of work on her part, she needs to see me as an adult in the first place. It has been a lot of closeness followed by pulling away. And even before you mentioned joint therapy, I though about the idea of a family counselor.

And what everyone needs to see is what Seasoned above mentioned: the moment I was supposed to have, coming out to my grandmother on my terms, has been taken away from me forever. For me personally, individually, coming out was a life-changing moment, and every person who I tell is a moment all it's own. So on top of anger, I need to deal with the loss of this.

@Ganoderma: As I mentioned before, the problem isn't people knowing. No I'm not going to tell my myriad cousins individually. The point is that my mom broke trust, has no respect for my decisions, and is controlling. Yes, I am totally relaxed as a gay man, I have no issues with myself. I don't have a 5 or 10 year plan regarding my out-status to my family. The boyfriend thing was my INITIAL plan. But considering this particular context, it's more of a go-with-the-flow thing. BUT the point is I CANNOT come out to them now because my other G-Ma is battling cancer and there's too much stress.

Ganoderma, I do see your point of view and I do understand why you asked those certain questions and I do appreciate you asking. I hope my answer clarified a bit, maybe I said something confusing.

@Roylo85: I'm glad you responded as well, I was interested in what you had to say. You can see why I don't buy her excuse. Even after I spoke to her twice, she still thinks she did nothing wrong. I do intending to try reasoning and rationalizing it to her again. And I already considered guilt-tripping as well, although I really don't want to stoop to her level.

Thanks again for you comments everyone, I am truly considering all of your thoughts.

 

[Rolyo85]

It's not stooping, this isn't a "who's more noble" competition, it's a very practical matter of your personal issues being transmitted without your consent. You do what you need to do to ensure that stops.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Well I spoke with her again last night, and it didn't go well. It was a very repetitive conversation and we were talking in circles. She said that she thinks what she did was a bad decision, but BECAUSE she was talking to my grandmother, then it's not a bad decision. I tried to let her know that REGARDLESS of who she was telling that she did something wrong to me. She doesn't seem to think so. It turned it an argument. I told her I'm not mad anymore, but I just have to come to terms with the loss of that moment. She got all angry again, saying that if I want her to regret it, she will. Honestly maybe that's what I was going for...but regardless she doesn't ACTUALLY feel that way, it would be fake regret, and she's just trying to victimize herself when it's not about her. I told her I want to feel like I have some control over my own life. She says that I've been doing that, with school and moving to Philly, and that she and my Dad have supported me. But it's not about that, I told her of ALL THINGS my coming out should be under my control. I asked, does she understand why I'm upset as a gay person, not as her son. She said yes. I still don't think I buy it. We pretty much left it at that, I told her I'm done, I just need time.

In all honesty, I don't think I handled it well. And I don't think I was able to change her thinking in any way. I'm happy I was able to stand my ground when she said some other things in an effort to make me feel bad for her. But the issue is mostly unresolved. And even though I wanted to suggest we see a family counselor, there was no way I could've thrown that in there. I can't say I'm mad anymore, I'm not gonna dwell on it. But this whole thing just solidifies my impression of her. And idk what I'm gonna do about my grandparents just yet. I don't want to tell them over the phone, and there going back to Puerto Rico in the beginning of July. I'm not gonna see them again, probably till the winter or even next year.

I did tell her that she cannot tell anyone else. She agreed. I don't think she'll out me again. But if she does then that's the last fucking straw. She'll start World War 3. But for now, we will just continue having a fluctuating relationship.

Thanks for anyone who tried to help. I do appreciate everyone's thoughts. If you have any other advice, or if you wanna tell me I did something wrong, feel free to share. Honestly, I appreciate constructive criticism. Thanks.

 

[Rolyo85]

I know how irrational we get when arguing with a parent that we have a history of arguing with. I'm that way with my dad. As long as you see the traps and you don't fall in them, that's gonna have to be enough.

One last thing - when dealing with a parent who is set in their way, trying to CONVINCE them of anything just doesn't work. Sadly, what does is BULLY them into what you want. You need to let her know that her outing you will irreparably damage her relationship with you and that you are not going to compromise with that.

Remember - in this particular situation you don't need her to agree and understand. You need her to conform.