Struggling in dating after coming out

[sazboy246]

Quick catch up to set the scene:

I'm 27 years old. I came out October 2015 to my friends gradually, so almost 2 years ago. Before that I had been on dates with girls when I was 16-18, and in a relationship with a girl for 3 months or so in which we did have sex.

All my guy friends are straight. I have 2 female friends, one who lives far away who i don't see much.

Since coming out I immediately had downloaded Tinder, because I had been using it prior as a "straight" person and it felt easier just switching preferences to guys than delving into what I saw was an intimidating gay community app like Grindr.

The biggest problem is that I seem to only like a very specific type of guy. Basically your more typical jock guy or the types of guys I could never be friends with in high school. (yeah I know this seems to be looked down on in the community but I'm not obnoxious with my preferences and don't put it in my profile). It almost feels like I think of it as some sort of challenge to "bag" one of these men because I've been rejected socially from them in my life. I've only ever liked straight guys in real life, and I'm worried I've spent so many years fantasizing about celebrity males as well that now that I'm trying to date, the real thing doesn't compare.

I've been on 3 dates, and wasn't hugely interested in the first two (it was mutual anyway) and the third date I could imagine dating but the other guy wasn't interested.

I'm starting to feel more pressure than ever as well as my friends are all coupling up in long term relationships and soon I'll have no-one to actually go out and live my life with, which will make the situation worse. Its clear the dating app route just isn't working for me. I tried Grindr but I just seemed to get a lot of messages from men who were 50+.

When I say I'm not finding a lot of guys attractive, my friends tell me to go on dates and maybe I'll feel different. But I just "know" I won't if that makes sense? To me it's almost like saying I should start going on dates with girls too.


Did anyone else face this issue of coming out not leading up to their expectations because you stayed too long in the closet fantasizing and nothing will compare to it? Almost two years is a long time after coming out surely in which I've not actually achieved anything.

 

[Deandbn]

When I say I'm not finding a lot of guys attractive..
But I just "know" I won't if that makes sense?

When all else fails.. drop your standards dear.. don't be so prissy.. if you get what I mean..

 

[mcbrion]

This is all new to you, and it is not uncommon to have a "type." Sometimes that "type" remains with you, and sometimes you broaden your views on who is attractive as you have more experience. Two years - after many years of forcing your brain to not acknowledge you like guys - is not a long time. The guys I like back in 1976 are not guys I would find as appealing now that I'm older and look at something besides the external appearance.
Still, if you feel you're being held back by your own mind, find a therapist to help you look at your behaviors. As you said, you tend to want guys who wouldn't be friends with you when you were in high school. So, it almost sounds like you are inclined towards guys who reject you. You have a world of company, if that's the case.You'll find many other threads on here about this same thing ("who I'm attracted to"). An objective third voice (therapist) might be helpful if you find yourself pulled towards only those who don't want you.
And congratulations on having the courage to come out. I know men in their 60s who likely won't come out. Ever. I can't imagine how turbulent life must be to hide your real feelings. You've passed over that fear, so just muster up a little more courage and find out more about yourself so you can end up with the right guy(s).

 

[KaraBulut]

To be honest, there's a disconnect in some of the things in your post. It's probably some of these contradictions that might be the reason why you're not having success in dating.

Never do things because you feel pressure from friends or from society in general- especially when it comes to relationships.

If you really want to date men, you would be wise to get some friends who are gay. They are a source of wisdom about "the scene", the good gay friends will be honest with you (even when you don't necessarily want them to be) and they're also a good way to meet other gay guys- either as friends, fuckbuddies or potential "dating material".

At this point, you think you know what you're interested in. There are lots of guys who start out being attracted to one thing and then end up in a totally different place. Dating isn't just about finding someone to date- it's about learning what you want, what you like, what you don't like; a lot of that learning happens via mistakes you make along the way.

You've taken the big step in coming out- to yourself and to those who are important in your life. Now it's time to decide what you're looking for and put yourself out there to find other friends and lovers like you. It's not an easy process and at 27, you're still learning... but you're at an age where your chances of finding good friends and stable partners is a lot better than when you're in your early 20s.

Good luck and keep us updated on how things are going.

 

[Seasoned]

As already mentioned, gay friends and acquaintances would be a big help in normalizing your coming out. It's good to have somewhere you can be free to be yourself. The "type" thing may work when hooking up or masturbating, but may not be as useful to you when long term dating, falling in love or selecting a partner, when personality, compatibility and stability will mean more than whether or not a guy appears straight.

I came out late at 31 and had the same thoughts as you. I expanded by horizons and in the process became less judgmental. My husband and I, now together 34 years, are just ourselves and are comfortable and relaxed in our own skin.

Be aware of any internalized homophobia and just explore. Be comfortable having fun pushing your boundaries. I see being gay as freeing rather than restricting and I hope you get to that point as well. All the best.

 

[sazboy246]

This is all new to you, and it is not uncommon to have a "type." Sometimes that "type" remains with you, and sometimes you broaden your views on who is attractive as you have more experience. Two years - after many years of forcing your brain to not acknowledge you like guys - is not a long time. The guys I like back in 1976 are not guys I would find as appealing now that I'm older and look at something besides the external appearance.
Still, if you feel you're being held back by your own mind, find a therapist to help you look at your behaviors. As you said, you tend to want guys who wouldn't be friends with you when you were in high school. So, it almost sounds like you are inclined towards guys who reject you. You have a world of company, if that's the case.You'll find many other threads on here about this same thing ("who I'm attracted to"). An objective third voice (therapist) might be helpful if you find yourself pulled towards only those who don't want you.
And congratulations on having the courage to come out. I know men in their 60s who likely won't come out. Ever. I can't imagine how turbulent life must be to hide your real feelings. You've passed over that fear, so just muster up a little more courage and find out more about yourself so you can end up with the right guy(s).

I do think my "type" may change, but I also could end up with a nice guy who has things in common with me. The issue is it feels like a very narrow scope. I don't feel comfortable experimenting and I feel I'll end up half assing or wasting someones time if I know I'm not too into them.

Have considered going to a therapist just to try and talk to someone and get all my neurosis out. I am very self analytical and constantly realising why I think certain ways. I do this with other people too which my friends can find annoying but hey, I always say theres a reason for everything. Not sure if a therapist would be frustrated working with someone whos attempting to do all their work for them.

As already mentioned, gay friends and acquaintances would be a big help in normalizing your coming out. It's good to have somewhere you can be free to be yourself. The "type" thing may work when hooking up or masturbating, but may not be as useful to you when long term dating, falling in love or selecting a partner, when personality, compatibility and stability will mean more than whether or not a guy appears straight.

I came out late at 31 and had the same thoughts as you. I expanded by horizons and in the process became less judgmental. My husband and I, now together 34 years, are just ourselves and are comfortable and relaxed in our own skin.

Be aware of any internalized homophobia and just explore. Be comfortable having fun pushing your boundaries. I see being gay as freeing rather than restricting and I hope you get to that point as well. All the best.

As far as being myself, I certainly feel free around my current friends. I've never hugely been into discussing who I find attractive in bars but my straight friends regular ask me if I'm dating and what my type is. I've met gay people in my town but I've not met anyone I have anything in common with or really "clicked" with. I'd want to avoid hanging around someone because they were my window to the community.

There's this pressure I feel from everyone around me as to what kind of life I should be living or what personality to have. It's almost like when I came out to my friends it was a case of "well, you lied about your sexual preference for years, so what else isn't true?" like they're waiting for the other foot to drop. The only difference there's ever been between me and my friends is that I've always been more sensitive and a lot more neurotic. Whether that's a difference between straight and gay men or just coincidence is another story. I've been to gay bars before and I understand it's a safe haven for a lot of people, but I don't feel uncomfortable in any way in any bars. I get that I'm a new era privileged gay guy in that way and it probably makes people roll their eyes.


Yeah I battle with internalized homophobia in the sense I analyse why i don't have any interest to get involved with certain things like Pride parades or watching popular gay shows or whatever. I feel like I am currently being my true self though. Surely I should be allowed that but when having any encounters with gay guys I feel looked down upon a bit for not being more involved. Not really complaining about the latter though, because as I said I know others have it a lot worse as far as that pressure.

 

[KaraBulut]

...There's this pressure I feel from everyone around me as to what kind of life I should be living or what personality to have. It's almost like when I came out to my friends it was a case of "well, you lied about your sexual preference for years, so what else isn't true?" like they're waiting for the other foot to drop.

This has come up before in other threads and it's more and more common these days for friends to take it personally. As in, "So you were lying all this time?". Or "You didn't trust me enough to be honest with me?".

All you can do is explain that part of the coming out process means that you have to stop lying to yourself. Once you get real with yourself, it's a lot easier to be real with everyone else.

And of course, you have to be willing to risk friendships as a cost of being honest.

...I've been to gay bars before and I understand it's a safe haven for a lot of people, but I don't feel uncomfortable in any way in any bars.

You probably meant that you don't feel comfortable in gay bars?

Yeah I battle with internalized homophobia in the sense I analyse why i don't have any interest to get involved with certain things like Pride parades or watching popular gay shows or whatever. I feel like I am currently being my true self though. Surely I should be allowed that but when having any encounters with gay guys I feel looked down upon a bit for not being more involved. Not really complaining about the latter though, because as I said I know others have it a lot worse as far as that pressure.

Part of this process is figuring out where you fit into the big picture. The most visible part of the gay world isn't all of the gay world. There's a group of gay people who live ordinary lives that involve going to work, going to school, etc. There's also a group who live absolutely fa-bu-lous-ly gay lives with lots of rainbows, tinsel and glitter. The majority of gay people fall somewhere in between.

But you will only find out if you get out there and meet people that you might not seem to have much in common with at first.