Struggling with sexual identity

[downrightdirty]

Hey everyone, new here.

I've been struggling with my sexuality ever since someone asked me if I was gay. Up until that point, I never questioned myself. Ever since then, I have been struggling socially and internally because I am still not sure of my sexual identity. I firmly believe(d) and have been told I don't need to put myself into a box, but I now think I do.

Here's what it comes down to. I am sexually and emotionally attracted to women, sexually attracted to transsexuals (basically if I met an attractive woman and found out she had a dick I'd be cool with it), and I watch gay porn occasionally and get off to it. I do know that kissing a man or cuddling with a guy repulses me but I might fuck a dude under the right circumstances. I also don't find any emotional attraction or connection to guys like I do with women.

I have spent a lot of time figuring out what I like and don't like, but still can't put a finger on it. I know it doesn't matter at all what I "call myself", but I think it would give me peace of mind and a little more confidence knowing where I stand on the spectrum.

Thanks in advance.

 

[HunterM]

Sounds like you're bisexual.

 

[hotb0d]

I think you already classified where you stand on the spectrum from your original post.

You are sexually and emotionally attracted to women but transsexual women will turn you on. If you're drunk enough, you'll be a three-beer gay top.

so while single, you can fuck whoever can make your dick strand north.

and when you want to find someone to settle down with, find a woman.

sounds like a good life plan to me.

 

[TheOscar]

Sounds like you are bisexual with a more deeper connection to women, but I wouldn't even classify it. Just do what makes you happy! I'm unsure if kissing a man repulses you because society has made you think that for a long time, but I'd really not worry much about it. You can call yourself bisexual, if you'd like to put a label on it. A bisexual who plans to settle down with a woman.

 

[downrightdirty]

Wow thanks for the quick responses guys. I came to the conclusion myself that I was bisexual, but I also feel like if I told someone I was bisexual (as a means of "coming out"), that it wouldn't be completely true?

My situation is more complicated because everyone around me thinks I'm gay and I don't know what to tell them. That's why I was seeking reassurance. Do I tell people I'm bisexual? In a way I still feel like telling someone that would be slightly inaccurate? I guess I see things REAL black and white. Maybe telling people I'm a 2.5 on the Kinsey Scale would suit me best. I think ultimately it comes down to accepting the homosexual part of bisexuality even though I am not driven to seek out male partners...

H0tb0d, that is actually my life plan more or less...

 

[downrightdirty]

Thanks Oscar - I didn't want to have to classify myself but I think I need to tell someone close to be about this (I have driven many people away for reasons I think ultimately lead back to my sexuality). When I tell someone, I would rather not have to explain the details and just be able to say "I'm ___".

I have spent the last 5 years completely alone because I am sure people (old friends, new friends, family, etc) are trying to out me so I have shut them out of my life - I am taking my self-identity at my own god damn pace. I don't really have a "safe space" to talk this out.

 

[hylas]

its nice to say "you feel what you feel, and thats ok."
but i always get a little suspicious when people say that they are repulsed by this or that.
if you are not into something, youre gonna be simply indifferent towards it. repulsion usually hints at unresolved issues.

i cant really tell you what to do about this, but if i were you, id have really long hard think before marrying into a monogamous relationship with a woman and having children.

 

[KaraBulut]

1. You don't need to explain your sexuality to anyone other than yourself.
2. If you need a word for it, call yourself "bisexual" or "heteroflexible".

 

[HunterM]

Have you had sex with women? Have you had sex with men?

Often times we play mind games with ourselves. We don't really know what we would like it or not until we have actually tried it out.

There's no need to worry about labeling yourself. Go explore your sexuality first...then decide for yourself.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am with Hylas on this one. I am always very suspicious of people who come here claiming to have attraction to gay porn and the thought of fucking a guy, but otherwise having a "deeper emotional connection" to women. I am not making fun of you in the least here. Just pointing out that I also think that speaks of unresolved issues of internalized homophobia. You are most likely bisexual (IF you really have this attraction to women, which is always in question when it comes to internalized homophobia), and if so, the emotional difference comes from how you grew up thinking about these things, not how you would normally feel if you were ok with homosexuality on a personal level.

Cause yeah, if you were not into something, it wouldn't really "repulse" you.

 

[downrightdirty]

Thanks guys - maybe repulsed was too strong a word. I have not tried it, but thinking about it turns me off - that's what I meant. Cocks turn me on, without a doubt, but kissing and cuddling a guy turns me off when I think about it.

I have been with more than a few women but have never had sex or even experimented with another guy. Maybe I do have "internalized homophobia". I have tried to question myself as much as possible to try to figure everything out but have never actually gone out and tried to get with another guy because it's not really something I'm completely interested in exploring [yet].

I do understand I don't need to explain my sexuality to anyone but myself. I really appreciate your responses guys.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. First a note on sexuality. People are going to inquire, wonder, ask, look for explanations, they just are, because sexuality is an extremely public thing and sharing that part of our lives with out friends and families is not only pervasive, it's expected.

Your mother wants to know when she's getting grand-kids, your friends want to know who you're banging, it's everywhere you look, up front and out loud.

So what does that mean? Not much really it's just the way it is. Of course you are having an identity crisis, and there is a point in the development of guys who like guys - exclusively or not - where it's easier to tell yourself that it's nobody's business. What does that mean - just that you aren't comfortable with yourself, you don't know what's going on, and that's about it.

Anytime we see a situation like yours it's extremely difficult to know what advice to give - because the possibilities are very broad. You could just be a majority straight guy with a curiosity, you could be full on gay and lying to yourself. Neither is more likely than the other, why? Because guys with attractions to guys sometimes find it easier to repress than deal with all the homophobia we've been taught and absorbed all of our lives. That's why the closet exists - because for generations boys have been taught that the worst thing you can be is a faggot.

So we lie, to ourselves, to others, tell ourselves it's nobody's business, fuck ourselves in our heads, a whole host of avoidance behaviors designed to let ourselves off the hook.

One of these is "...men are for fucking, women are for relationships..." The thing is, that guys who are mostly straight and just have a passing curiosity now and then, dismiss and ignore, and they can because it's not a big thing, just some random thoughts that are easily forgotten on the quest for pussy.

These guys don't come in here asking for advice, they don't need to, if your attraction is strong enough that you can't ignore it, that's the best evidence that there is something deeper going on with you.

What is that? No one can answer that but you - so how would you feel if you turned out to be full on gay? You don't have to respond to that, just think about it. Your reaction to that will tell you a lot about yourself.

You know, if your dick and your head are in conflict, there's something running interference in your head and your dick is usually the one telling the truth.

The reason all those guys with issues say "...I'll fuck but I don't kiss.." Is because the intimacy terrifies the fuck out of them, because if they get intimate with a guy, they have to face the fact that they aren't as straight as they want desperately to be.

Is that you? We don't know. You're the only person with the answer to that. I don't think you should go find a guy to fuck around with until you are less unsure about yourself. You start doing that by putting yourself in all that possibilities.

What does it mean for you if you're gay? How do you feel about that?

What does it mean for you if you're bi? How do you feel about that?

What does it mean for you if you're just into lady-boys? How do you feel about that?

The first time a guy hit on me, I nearly hit him.

 

[Rolyo85]

Read TX's post carefully, and then reread it. I'm saving it for future reference.

 

[hotatlboi]

Thanks guys - maybe repulsed was too strong a word. I have not tried it, but thinking about it turns me off - that's what I meant. Cocks turn me on, without a doubt, but kissing and cuddling a guy turns me off when I think about it.

I have been with more than a few women but have never had sex or even experimented with another guy. Maybe I do have "internalized homophobia". I have tried to question myself as much as possible to try to figure everything out but have never actually gone out and tried to get with another guy because it's not really something I'm completely interested in exploring [yet].

I do understand I don't need to explain my sexuality to anyone but myself. I really appreciate your responses guys.

A lot of gay guys go through the "I would hate kissing/cuddling with a man" phase, I did myself, but I love that stuff now.

I'm not saying you are gay necessarily, but that's just something to think about. Especially given that you have no experience with guys, I think it's too early to tell where you will end up as to what you would or wouldn't like.

 

[mbamike]

I remember thinking sucking a guy's cock was gross. The thought of it made my stomach churned. Then I hooked up with my first guy. We kissed, tongue wrestled, and I was sucking his cock before I realized what I was doing.

Now, I love sucking cock and a lot more. So, maybe you need to go out to experiment a bit to explore your sexuality before you make any judgments or decisions.

 

[downrightdirty]

TX, thanks for your post. The funny thing is though that I've already thought about all that. Am I lying to myself, is my head getting in the way of my other head, etc. Trust me, I've questioned myself to ever possible end - then questioned again. I love having sex with women. I like being intimate with women (in ways other than sex). I would absolutely fuck a passable transsexual, suck her cock, and maybe let her fuck me. I might have sex with a guy too. I have sucked my own dick several times and tasted my cum. Not something I do regularly but it's fun sometimes. I just like sex, and my cock gets hard for anything - to a very fucked up extent. I think the worst thing I could possibly do is lie to myself which is why I'm here asking "professional gay people".

All I really want to know is what I tell people, because YES they definitely wonder and inquire. I have been asked seriously if I was gay because of my collection of tranny porn. I came out to myself a year ago that I was bisexual and I'm over it - I just think people are naturally greedy/curious and won't quit until I say something. I'm not ashamed with anything about myself, value my uniqueness and also value the struggle I'm going through in ways I think you can all appreciate.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, then tell them you're bi. Seems pretty clear