Stuck in a 3-year relationship. Don't know where to go...

[Seasoned]

Welcome. I'm sorry it wasn't a more joyous subject that caused you to contribute to the forum, but you are here, which is a good thing. You're going to get all kinds of advice, but do remember my signature, which is, take what you like and leave the rest.

I look at situations from the perspective of someone who's been in a relationship for almost 28 years. I have to say that's it's not all been wedded bliss, but we are still very much in love. I also have heard a lot from friends and family about relationships and I'm pretty open minded.

I will tell you that the best way to look at one's relationship it to start from what you have and not compare it to an ideal. That being said, no one needs to stagnate and become embittered because of a relationship.

I believe most troubled relationships are repairable, provided both parties are willing to hear negative things about themselves and both parties are willing to work and work hard towards an atmosphere were both are getting their needs met. One can compromise one's wants, but needs are obligatory until they change and they will change over time.

It seems that your partner is depressed and could use some therapy himself. In any case the only way to possibly save this is couple's counseling. My partner and I go for occasional tune-ups. Couple's counseling requires a therapist that is unkown to either of you. Do not attempt to use yours as that person will tend to just see things from your perspective.

If you don't take action you will eventually leave or become so depressed yourself that all joy will be squeezed from you. You may have to deliver an ultimatum, but never deliver one that you're not willing to carry out.

PM me if you wish to get more specific. Good luck to you both.

 

[Kyanimal]

I have to agree with everything that Soreknees has said.

"My" Kev, and I, have been together for 28+yr., too. However, over time, our relationship has seen some drastic changes.

I recently turned 60 (much to my surprise!), and today is "My" Kev's 54th B-Day! We've gone through the "usual" age stages, at different times, and have adapted differently, with each of those, than the other has.

Currently, I seem to be more like your BF! I've gained weight, and my interests have changed. On the other hand, "My" Kev has gotten more into working out, quit drinking, and quit smoking (tobacco), and is having the time of his Life!

Though we still do LOVE each other, and have a long shared history, these days we're more like "close" roommates than we are a "couple". BTW ... I was 32, and Kev was 25, when we first met. A bigger "age gap" than you, and your bf, but, still, I was your age when that happened. (Not sure if that's relevant.)

It seems that you two have reached the same stage as we have, but much sooner.

Both of you are still young enough to have a lot of "rebound" room. And, if all of this has happened so soon for both of you, it may, unfortunately, be time to make a break, and move on. It really does hurt for me to have to say that.

Both of you have the rest of your Lives to live. And, at your ages, there is SO much ahead for Both of you.

I know this is going to sound callous. However, for your own sake, given the current state of affairs, and for your own happiness, I would advise you break things off, as amicably as possible, for the ultimate benefit of each of you.

If there are such problems, at this "early" stage, I'm sorry to say there doesn't sound like there's too much hope for your current relationship.

It sounds as though HE may have more trouble with a break up than You would. But, both of you have the rest of your Lives to Live ... which is a VERY Long time to not be completely happy!

I think that each of us is presented with the "trials and tribulations" that will, eventually, lead to us living the Lives that we were meant to lead.

As considerate as you are, there are some limits as to what You should endure in order to be considerate of what He is destined to face/cope with.

By making an amicable break, NOW, you may be doing both of you a favor. It may, indeed, help/force Him to take a closer look at himself, and, therefore, prompt Him to take better control of where he is going to end up.

Are you familiar with the concept of "Tough Love"?

Of course, you have to look out for yourself before you can competently look out for someone else. By staying in your present circumstances, out of concern for him (Which is most admirable), you may be doing more potential "damage", to both of you, than you realize.

In short, follow YOUR Heart! It will seldom lead you wrong, even though you may doubt what it is trying to tell you.

Of course ... and most importantly ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[backpacker]

It's obvious that you both care deeply for each other. It's also obvious that there are serious communication issues and other problems in the relationship. Both you are going to have to be part of the solution, but you are also going to need some help. I strongly suggest couples counseling. Right now you guys seem like a carpenter trying to build a house with an empty toolbox.

There is a possibility that your partner is depressed, but there could be other explanations for the signs that were noted in your post. You may each benefit from some individual counseling in addition to the couples counseling.

When you approach him about going to counseling, don't issue any ultimatums. Just let him know that you love him very much, but that there are things in your relationship that need some work. Don't expect him to immediately agree. Give him some time to think things over. If he doesn't say yes, go without him. The counselor can provide you with some communications tools that may work to help him see the benefit in joining. Whatever you do, don't further damage the relationship by insisting that he join you.

The good news is that you realize there are problems that need to be addressed, but that you also realize there are many good things about your relationship. If you both work at it, things can get better. Should things not work out, the break up will be much easier knowing that you tried everything. I wish you all the best.

 

[Molitor69]

Get out while you can. Though you care very much for him today you will resent him more everyday. He isn't going to change and it seems he only became more himself when you shacked up. Nothing and nobody is perfect, but if you don't try to improve yourself then what the heck?
End of a chapter and a start of a new one.

 

[altlover85]

-He's one of the sweetest guys one would ever meet. He loves me dearly... He would do things even my parents wouldn't do for me. And I know that I can be fairly difficult at times; but he always puts up with me.

You may be difficult, but I doubt you are unbearable. Make sure that him tolerating you isn't one of the few reasons why you are still together.

-I also love that he is an honest, reliable, trustworthy guy; I won't have to worry about him cheating on me. He's just a really, really good, honest guy.

-We're both very affectionate. We love to cuddle watching a movie, and snuggle up sleeping, and we still do.

These are great qualities. Ideally it's something every guy you ever are serious about (if things don't work out with him) will have.

THE BAD THINGS

-Sex. We haven't had real sex in 2+ years. Maybe even 2.5+. The sex actually began to go downhill fairly early on in our relationship, but I always thought that could change. Early on, I also thought that maybe I could do without the sex because affection was more important to me. Of course, after this long drought, I really want some. And this problem is not so easy to solve because...

-I'm less attracted to him. Perhaps you can call me superficial or shallow (am I?), but he really gained a bunch of weight (about 3 waist inches) in the last 3 years. I've repeatedly dropped hints, but he really shows no motivation in going easy on fried food and soda. He tried hard to stay slim (mostly by eating little) while single, and completely jumped off the wagon after we moved in together. Sure, over the course of 20-30 years, or maybe even 10 years, we'll fatten up together; I know we can't stay in shape forever... but, in this short period, I couldn't help but feel slightly "betrayed."

No sex in such a long while is a big problem. Have you talked to him about the lack of sex?

The weight could be any number of things, but I wouldn't take his weight gain personally. That said, you either have to accept the weight or move on because it's hard enough to love weight when you want to.

As far as depth goes, can you have conversations about your feelings and needs and wants? I wasn't sure if depths referred to emotional depth or depth of knowledge in a field.

The common interest thing may not be solvable for the time being. Perhaps after counseling things will improve on that front.

-Daily annoyances. This is perhaps minor, and I understand that it's probably something that all couples put up with if they live together. But I am a very neat/organized person. And he's quite the opposite. I get so frustrated having to clean up after him. So now I just don't! And now I'm frustrated because I live in a dump every day...

Have you talked about this with him?

I really want the relationship to work, because he really is a great guy. It really hurts me to write this, because I'm afraid what the answer would be. I know that many people probably say that they wouldn't find someone better, but in my case, I do honestly believe that the likelihood of me finding someone who treats me the way he does, is quite low. So, I really want this to work out; I'm really afraid that if I do decide to leave, I would regret my decision one day.

A lot of people think they won't find anyone better and yes, I think there's a small chance that you might not find anyone better (the same could be said for anyone) but do you really want to be unhappy based on the small chance that he's the only one that will treat you the way he does?

Also, perhaps my biggest fear/worry about ending this is hurting him. And I'm not saying that I'm a saint...sure, I also hate to be single, and I also fear the inevitable heartbreak that I would surely feel. But, I really don't know how I would get over hurting him--a really, really, nice, honest, caring guy.

Not wanting to hurt him and having sympathy for him are not good reasons to stay together, even though they are understandable. Would you be happy if he was unhappy and was only staying together because he didn't want to hurt you?

To those who've read thus far, thank you so much! Any comments, advice, suggestions would be dearly appreciated!!

You're welcome!

My main advice is to talk to him about your concerns and seek counseling with him, if he's up for it. If he's not receptive to changing things, I would move on.

Good luck no matter what happens!

 

[Bent-On]

It's doubtful that he's completely oblivious to these issues.

 

[joeG23]

You may have to get out, but give counselling a go first. You owe it to each other. Best of luck

 

[bankside]

My guy is a very picky eater. Fortunately he doesn't order for me off the menu, so I get to enjoy what I want and he gets to enjoy what he wants, even if I can tell you weeks in advance exactly what he'll order. I think you should let that one go.

The sex thing is a big issue. I've been with my guy for 13 years and there have been times where each of us was hoping for something in the bedroom but the other one was missing the point. For a while I thought our sex life was out of balance because I was on top all the time, and it felt like we were stuck in a rut.

I started to wonder if he didn't even like doing it the other way around, which made me almost as un-horny as I can get. Turns out when we were finally smart enough to talk about it, he was mostly worried about hurting me due to his size, which was making him almost as un-horny as he could get. All it took was some reassurance that I was enjoying myself and totally comfortable every step of the way and things got a lot better.

Attraction - LOL both my guy and I have had that extra time you were talking about to put on a bit too much extra weight. I basically snapped about this time last year because my own health was starting to feel so crappy, and I kind of insisted on us doing something about it. We just screwed around all spring, taking a bike ride every few weeks. But by summer we had a home gym, by autumn we were using it semi-regularly, and now we're kind of into the groove and beginning to see results. It does turn me on to see his arms and shoulders coming back to their prime. And it obviously helps to feel good about myself too. We have a ways to go yet, but I'm already convinced it was an excellent idea for our health and our relationship.

Depth? That's a big issue. I dunno what to say about that. My guy connect where we can debate every kind of issue and talk about pretty much anything. What's his idea of an interesting topic?

 

[bankside]

Oh, one other thing, two people are never going to be at the same place in the same time, one or the other will always go ahead, and sometimes one person always leads the way.

That's not the worst thing that can happen, and people can still have a good relationship that way.

If you've figured out what's wrong, say so. But put your issues on the table in a way he can do something about. If the food thing is a deal-breaker, talk about it. You don't get to decide what he eats, and you don't have to like eating the same things. But if it is stopping you from enjoying what you want to eat, that's not right either. And if it is annoying to have him fart around picking a restaurant for an hour, then plan ahead. Have him pick before you go out. Or do something like this: tell him every two weeks you want a date night, and you're going to alternate who picks in advance so when you go out you know where you're going. When it is your turn, take him somewhere you know he can enjoy his favourites. When it is his turn, ask him to pick somewhere new and ask him to find a menu with something he's never seen you eat before because you enjoy that. Maybe it will take him four hours to find a place with something new for you and something simple that he likes. But then it's his issue, and when you go out you'll both have a good time.

That's what I mean about putting it on the table in a way he can do something about.

 

[backpacker]

I know how annoying it can be when someone is overly picky about food. My best friend of 35 years is like that and it does get old. On the other hand, I can't help think that this wouldn't be a big issue if everything else was OK in the relationship. If I were you, I would focus on the communication issues. It seems to be many things aren't being said and those being said aren't really being heard. Good luck!

 

[shainski]

-Depth. I feel like I can't really talk to him about anything in depth...I resort to making up fake topics of conversation, just so that we have something to say..

-We have almost no common interests.

I couldn't do it. Not with the most good-looking person in the world. If i couldn't have a meaningful conversation with someone, i would eventually begin to resent the relationship.

That wouldn't be good for me, and that wouldn't be good for my partner.

It seems to me that everything else you have said won't work because of these differences.

I think you need to take a break from this relationship for both of you. Take a month away. If you're living together, move out for a month. If not, take a break. You need to see this relationship from the outside. You don't even need to date anyone else for that period - just see how you feel without the weight of this relationship.

If, after a month, you have felt a sense of freedom, you know your answer.

 

[altlover85]

I would advise you not to over think things.

You may love him, but not be in love with him. We don't know that, only you do.

It sounds like you like being friends with him, but the love isn't there. I know how that feels. I've been there.

I don't think what you're going through is something that happens in every relationship. But really every relationship is different.

 

[KaraBulut]

Reading through your posts, what is apparent is that you've fallen into a lot of the patterns of people in a long term relationship who don't have good communication patterns.

What ends up happening is that you get annoyed and fight over petty shit- like they way he does laundry or the way he puts dishes in the dishwasher (or his picky eating habits?). Instead of dealing with the elephant in the room- the lack of sex in your relationship and the fact that he's let himself go and the fact that the two of you aren't having honest conversations about how you don't feel satisfied in your current situation.

You have the core foundation of a good relationship- you care about each other and you like him as a person- but somewhere along the line, you have stopped communicating and you both have started taking the relationship for granted.

Couples counseling is a good start. The fact that you don't know whether you want to stay in the relationship is something that you can sort out in couples counseling. But the big thing that needs to change is that you both need to start communicating and discussing these big issues instead of wasting time and energy on the petty shit.

Incidentally, your therapist made an amateurish mistake by telling you how you feel. It is up to you do discover whether you are still in love with your partner. If you had never stated that to the therapist, then the therapist should not be making that assumption.

 

[KaraBulut]

But having talked with my counselor a few times now, I'm wondering if the problem is a more fundamental one that might fall into the "irreconcilable differences" bin.

It's only irreconciable differences if both of you aren't willing to fix and/or compromise on the differences.

He hasn't had the opportunity to say whether he's not willing to change.

He is BORING.

This might sound a little mean, but now that I think about it, I think this (plus the lack of sex) pretty much sums it all up. The fact is, it's not that we don't have common interests, but he doesn't have any interests at all...

So, I think here's the problem. What exactly do you do when you're in a relationship with a very nice and good guy, who treats you VERY well, BUT, is boring as heck??

There are plenty of guys who would be quite happy to have a boring guy in their life, if that guy were someone who was a nice guy who loved them.

Some of what you listed falls into that "petty shit" category. Who would consider breaking up with someone because he didn't know the composer of a classical piece? Perhap the whole thing might be quite boring to him, yet he's willing to sit through a borning concert because you wanted to go. And it's quite possible for someone to enjoy something like a concern without having to Wikipedia it.

But there is- at the core- a fundamental difference between the two of you. If you are someone who values intellectual curiosity and who wants a partner who they can have deep intellectual conversations with, then that's probably a deal-killer.

Your partner can change a lot of his behaviors. He can lose weight. He can see a doctor about his waning libido. He can bend you over and fuck you until you scream for mercy.

But there are some things that can't be changed. If he lacks intellectual curiosity- at least about things that you're interested in- and that is something that you want in a relationship, then you're with the wrong guy.

But you're still not giving him an opportunity to address the other problems in the relationship. You're not giving him the chance to vent about the things that you do that annoy him. And you're not giving him the opportunity to say whether he's willing to meet you half-way to fix some of the problems in the relationship.

 

[altlover85]

Your partner can change a lot of his behaviors. He can lose weight. He can see a doctor about his waning libido. He can bend you over and fuck you until you scream for mercy.

But there are some things that can't be changed. If he lacks intellectual curiosity- at least about things that you're interested in- and that is something that you want in a relationship, then you're with the wrong guy.

But you're still not giving him an opportunity to address the other problems in the relationship. You're not giving him the chance to vent about the things that you do that annoy him. And you're not giving him the opportunity to say whether he's willing to meet you half-way to fix some of the problems in the relationship.

I agree with the majority of what you've written Kara, but I disagree with the bolded part.

As far as I've read it the OP has tried to bring up serious topics, only to be shut down by humor.

jub50012, do you remember out of the topics you've mentioned (sex, neatness, habits, weight loss, etc.) which ones you've actually asked him about and what the result was?

I want to make sure that I am interpreting this correctly.

Thanks.

 

[altlover85]

jub50012, I don't really see where you have a lot in common and it's obviously bothering you. You definitely need to have a sit-down talk about sex, where you let him know you are serious and tell him that you'd really like him to listen to you. If he doesn't want to have the talk, it may be time to end the relationship.

You're too young for all this drama, no matter how great his positive qualities are.

PS, I know a lot of this is easier said than done because I too have difficult talking about difficult things, but I think we both know that if you don't have these talks you get stuck in limbo.