Stuck in a Realationship

[EverythingIsRENT]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years now. It's been my longest relationship yet. It started great! But I feel things are falling apart. Our relationship has become more of a friendship. I usually feel like I am completing with his friends for plans. He is in his last year of college and I am working in the real world. He prefers hanging out with us and his friends, going out and drinking rather than doing something one on one. Whenever I suggest we do something his response is: "Sure. I don't care." And that is just it. I feel like he doesn't care.

But we do love each other and there is something between that I love. But lately things have been so hard. I've thought about breaking up with him so many times but I don't want to make a mistake in doing so. I do love him.

For instance: I haven't seen him for the past 2 and half weeks. He has been very busy. So this weekend I suggest us doing something fun! Just him and I! He agrees. Then he tells me he has plans Saturday morning so he can't hang out Friday night. Then Saturday comes around and he tells me he wants to day drink and go out that night. Completely ignoring that we had a special weekend planned. And I get upset and it just doesn't register with him. It just makes me really sad.

I've also been trying to keep my distance with him. To show him things aren't right between us. But he doesn't get it. I am tired of telling him things are wrong because I hate to nag and don't want to be that kind of boyfriend. I just wish he would get it. And things can be fun and sweet again.

I miss that way things were at the beginning. It's just gotten to a place where even the smallest amount of romance feels weird. And I LOVE romance. He doesn't really. We don't kiss often.We haven't had sex in a while. He don't discuss love much. We don't hold hands. It's just very sad.

I try to be hopeful and think it will turn around. But I just don't know. Do I wait for him to graduate college this year? I like to think things will change then. But I just don't know. Ugh, friggen' relationships...

 

[palbert]

Everything you've written says this relationship is over. And your partner doesn't care. I think it's time to face the facts and move on. By your saying you hadn't seen him for 2 1/2 weeks I assume you do not live together; that will make it easier.

(Sorry this had to be your first post on JUB. Welcome!)

 

[EverythingIsRENT]

He is just super oblivious. I mentioned breaking up before and he seems like he really doesn't want to. We once discussed what's going on and he said he really wanted to make things better. But again, it feels like he has stopped trying.

I just want to be his one and only (corny, I know) but I feel like I am sharing that spot with his friends. He didn't even get me something for Valentine's day. And I lost my job that day. But he got something for his friend for her birthday the next day. He told me he didn't have enough money to get me something but he would. (He hasn't).

 

[maxpowr9]

Just dump him already. I've encountered many guys like that; too self-absorbed to care about others. He's essentially stringing you along for the ride.

If you have thought about this for a decent period of time [at least a month] and your opinion hasn't changed, it won't ever.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm sorry you've been going through this. Paying attention to his actions, you know he doesn't cherish his time with you as much as you do. His idea of fun seems to be drinking and hanging out with a group. The two of you haven't been having sex together. Are you supposedly in a monogamous relationship?

If you were to beak up what exactly would you be losing? A relationship, or just the promise of one? It seems as though his priorities have changed since the time you met him. A lot of us assume that been in a committed relationship means "settling down" and giving up stuff. It doesn't have to, but certain changes usually occur. He's giving you signals that he doesn't want to give up any of his current life and that doesn't make him a bad person, but it seems as though you won't have what you need and want. It's ok to let him know your needs and wants aren't being met.

 

[sixthson]

It doesn't sound much like love to me. He sounds bored. At the very least, he is now taking you for granted. Before you break up, try not initiating anything and see if he starts. If he doesn't then you know for sure where you stand.

 

[KaraBulut]

Listening to your description, one has to wonder if he knows he's in a relationship. He's not acting like he's in one.

Is it possible that he is depressed or has a serious drinking problem?

If you had posted this early into the game, the advice might have been to sit him down and explain what you want from a relationship and that you don't feel like you're getting what you want. It's really up to you to make that clear and to make it clear that you're not happy with the situation. But honestly, it is probably too late for that option. It sounds like it would probably be better to end it and free him to party with his friends... and free you to find an adult who is ready for a relationship.

 

[EverythingIsRENT]

Thanks everyone. I actually talked to him tonight about it and we broke up. We were both very unhappy. And of course now I all I think of is the times we were happy and it kills me. I don't think we wanted the same things. He told me if I wanted to see him so badly this weekend I would have just saw him and even though he wanted to day drink and party. He said I chose to be angry rather than see him. I guess he has a point?

Super heartbreaking. But I appreciate everyone's advice.

 

[KaraBulut]

I guess he has a point?

He does. But only to the extent that the failure of any relationship is a shared failure. It's seldom ever one person's fault. Both sides make mistakes.

But most people who have been around for a while will tell you that when your partner is choosing alcohol or drugs and partying over you... well, that's something that you can't fix. He has to fix his addiction issues and he has to fix his priorities. If you try to fix it, it's called codependency.

 

[maxpowr9]

Thanks everyone. I actually talked to him tonight about it and we broke up. We were both very unhappy. And of course now I all I think of is the times we were happy and it kills me. I don't think we wanted the same things. He told me if I wanted to see him so badly this weekend I would have just saw him and even though he wanted to day drink and party. He said I chose to be angry rather than see him. I guess he has a point?

Super heartbreaking. But I appreciate everyone's advice.

Take some time to get over it and don't rush back into the dating pool until you're ready.

 

[bottomjosh]

Go get laid and get over it. You are holding on to something that does not exist.

 

[Naughty_Monkey]

Glad you took control of the situation. It sounds by his actions like he actually wanted out of the relationship but was too much of a coward (or liked the crutch of having a boyfriend) to do something about himself.

Plenty more fish, onwards and upwards

 

[NYClover54]

I came out of a 2 year relationship 3 months ago and I must say it does get better . Have I completely gotten over him, no, have I thought about getting back together with him, yes. I met so many good, attractive, and successful guys since then and most of the times I never look back. My relationship was falling apart for a while now and I think it was beneficial to both of us that the relationship ended. Go forward and don't look back.